My W and I have a long history of not getting along. The "I say black and she says white" thing. I spent 10 yrs trying to build the marriage. Trying to find out why she's so cold, hateful, manipulative (w/o using those words).<p>Affection since day one has been non-existent. For our first two years lovemaking happened basically once each 6 monthes. I put a lot of effort into the experience with bookreading on the subject. (i.e. It was not because a selfish perspective of sex on my part) Despite books, seminars, counseling, etc., nothing has made it better. For the last 3-4 yrs I have been caring less and less. Now I tend to try to block out her constant stream of derision.<p>At this point, I don't expect anything from her. Maybe that's not good, I don't know. The house is always trashed, no meals, money overspent, etc. I don't say anything- it's useless and she would just turn it around and say it's because I don't help her, which is untrue. In the past (4-6 years ago) I spent all my "not at work" time helping her. If I came home to no dinner, I cooked it. I then cleaned the kitchen whether I cooked or not. I honestly feel I've done all I can do. Maybe if I was a better person (i.e. more Christlike) I could keep going. <p>I have, several times, encouraged her to go see her doc re the apparent depression, lack of energy, bad attitude, etc. but, she seems to enjoy being a sort of manic depressive.<p>The problem now has become the children. In a nutshell, she seems to "need" them to be her friends and need their affection/acceptance that she is failing miserably at discipline/character training. I as my 7 yr old son to do something and he falls to the floor and throws a fit. When I try to turn him from this behavior/attitude by being firm, my W is immediately in my face defending the kid(s). I feel that she has totally undermined/destroyed my position as Father in my own house. My older (13 and 11) kids basically scoff at me because their Mom has let them know that Dad is ridiculously out of line. (Just stick w/ mom, I'll protect you)<p>I have certianally never abused the kids but I have been firm when I expect them to do something. During the latest episode, she became violent and started hitting me w/ a fly swatter (in front of the kid's) and told me she wanted me to leave the home. She also said, in her rage, "and you have no idea how many people will back me up" meaning her friends/family that she has stacked against me.<p>At this point, I feel that my staying here is counterproductive and futile. In my opinion, she is co-dependent on the kid's needing her. Even to the point of making me the bad guy.<p>The most chilling/sobering thing however is her comment re her "back ups". This indicated to me that she has been laying the groundwork for coming out "on top".<p>I work in a town 35 miles away. I'm thinking that I should rent a room there and basically stay away for the week and come home on the weekends. A couple times a year (like now) project dictate that I need to work long hours some extra hours. My absence could probably be explained to the younger children (4 & 7). The older two would probably get the picture and we would probably need to tell them more.<p>I never thought I would be here! I'm really hurting.

After reading this I was almost in tears because it made me realize how my husband must feel. I am a depressed person and nothing seems to work. My husband and I only have sex about 2 or 3 times a month. My situation is not totally the same as yours but it is similar. What do you think can be done to make a difference? I know that my husband is ready to leave me because he is unhappy not because he does not love me anymore. He did all that he could to help me I think that he feels responsible for me now. I just want him to be happy. <p>Sometimes I say to myself that I love him enough to leave him so that he can be happy. Is that the answer? We have our first counseling session next saturday. I hope it works. Have you guys tried that? If so... how did it go?

Keysha<p>To make him happy get yourself happy.

Cad drafter,<p>that is the WORST solution possible, i was in a similar situation, and IMO, the best answer is:<p>to get some professional help to LEARN how to deal effectively with your wife, to learn how to be a strong, non dominating non reactive person, to learn how to resist being manipulated, and to learn how to speak up effectively.<p>Once you learn how to deal with these types, you will see a big difference in her, you will begin to see the manipulation, and be more resistant to it, and there for, provide a more stable environment, with less fighting.<p>Your W probably has some serious personality disorders which she cannot see and you will not be able to fix her. Therefore, you can only fix yourself with knowledge and practice to learn how resist respectfully.<p>Basically, the idea is to get the less stable person to leave, to then provide the stability to the kids.<p>good luck.
so have you phoned for counseling information yet?

If you want a divorce, separation works.<p>-AD

I agree with AbandonedDad, if you want a divorce then separation is almost guaranteed to work. After almost 1 year of separation, I've come to the conclusion that the decision to separate is a decision to relieve yourself of the commitment to your marriage. Outside of abuse, I have a tough time agreeing with separation. My marriage wasn't what either one of us wanted it to be but the only thing the separation has helped is my wife build a life outside of me. <p>Having said that, I think counseling would be a much better next step. From your post, it seems like your wife has been using your kids as weapons against you and that's never a good thing. The kids are the victims and shouldn't have to choose sides. Maybe a counselor could open her eyes to what she has been doing and she could start to correct the issues. <p>Good luck.

My first reaction was why did you marry her in the first place ..."no affection since day 1." Well, we all have funny love spots that make us do funny love things!<p>I would seriously consider whether she has become addicted to some substance? That is really what is sounds like to me.<p>I hope for the best outcome for your family! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Reading your original post made me think how the heck did this guy get info on my marriage. Had the same things happen to me...verbatim (divorced Aug/01). Tough situation to be in. Do agree that moving out is a bad thing. Place concern about the back up statement spouse made. You are; unfortunatley entered into a high stakes poker game with your spouse. From experience it is an extremely tough and cruel game. Your spouse could be bluffing, or she could not be. Only you know what she could possibly have against you. From here on out would recommend making sure you have all your bases covered, i.e. legal representation and whatever you feel you need. Your spouse has forced you into this mode, not you. I may be going contrary to the belief's of this web site (plan a or b whatever...), but feel strongly that a person has to prepare him or herself for all possible outcomes. Your spouse has threatened you, do not take it lightly.