W has been calling more often, as you might have read, but I tell her I am only interested in seeing her with a counselor present.<p>She came over yesterday and tells me she wants to be straight with me, and doesn't want to have to tell me the following in front of a stranger:<p>She slept with another man, once, and is pregnant. And she can't bring herself to kill her baby.<p>I can respect that decision, but I've lost all respect for her as a person.<p>A lot of her behavior over the past few weeks makes sense now. I suspected she was having an affair, but I didn't want to believe it. I suppressed my suspicions. (Hint: it isn't a river in Egypt) I still don't believe her story, though.<p>That is, I think she's been sleeping with him for a year. And she's not so dumb that she doesn't know when she's fertile, and I think she wanted to get pregnant to force him to commit to her. I think it backfired, because he's rejected her, and now she's coming back to me crying for re-acceptance.<p>
She says he said never to call him again. And that she doesn't want anything to do with him. I think she's just sick in the head.<p>The bottom line is I'm going to my counselor, and I gave her a couple hotline numbers since she mentioned suicide. She called back this morning to thank me for the numbers. I guess they helped. She can go to counseling if she wants, and I encouraged her to do so.<p>I was ambivalent about our relationship before, and about counseling together. At this point, I'm so hurt, I want nothing more to do with her, and I hope she just goes back to Brazil where her twisted family can take care of her the best they know how.<p>I'm seeing a lawyer on monday to consult and to file papers(adultery is grounds for an immediate divorce in Maryland).<p>I don't want to be her husband when that child is born. That child is innocent and doesn't deserve any resentment from me.<p>My biggest problem is I am still fighting the urge to fix things. And I'm fighting the feeling that I should do EVERYTHING I can to make everyone happy again.<p>I need to be stronger than that. She made this mess, and it was entirely unprovoked by me. I blame her. Yes. I blame her. I'll say it again. I blame her. She has to live with her actions and decisions. I just hope I don't have to live with any consequences of her actions as well - I'm going to the doctor first thing next week to get checked out for STD's.
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sorry to ramble, but it's not like I'm going to get any work done today anyway. My head is too full of feeble attempts to piece the puzzle together.

Let me just update my signature file here.<p>That's more like it.<p>stable guy

This is even more accurate, now that I know about at least one affair.<p> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Stable Guy,<p>I am very sorry to hear this news. I would like to suggest that you post over in the pregnancy section of this site. However, I also realize that your intention is to file for divorce on Mon.<p>I suspect that you are right about the length of her affair and sleeping with OM. I can understand her reluctance to terminate the pregnancy. Perhaps you could suggest she put it up for adoption.<p>But, it may really be moot point if you have decided that divorce is the only solution for you. Having read a few of your other posts, it would seem that the 6 month separation as allowed you to see how life without her would be, and you like it.<p>Well, she certainly handed to you on a silver plater a good reason to leave the marriage . I get the impression from your post that you feel that she is coming back simply because he rejected her.<p>If you want to be a good friend to her, suggest to her that she make sure to contact a lawyer or the child support agencies to start to set up both child support, and even support for the medical expenses. Having a child these days can be a major expense, and you won't be around to pay it nor should you.<p>SG, I am sorry that this has turned out this way. I wish there were some advice I could convey to you man to man, but frankly with no other children in the family, I think you are on the right path.<p>So keep posting if for no other reason than to vent, and now really do some reading around here. You will need it for your next relationship.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Stable Guy,<p>I'm going to be the one who takes the other point of view OK?<p>If my w came back to me, really wanted to be with me, I would take her back - not without conditions - not without making sure that she is cutting off contact with OM, but even if she were pregnant with his child.<p>Of course, what I would do is not the same as what you would do - nor would I suggest that it is what you should do. I just wanted you to hear my point of view.<p>You have been married for 8 years with no children. I don't know why you have no children, and perhaps it is wrong to ask - as it is a very personal matter. But, if you do this - take her back - accept this child, it's got to have a huge effect on your wife - and you might be surprised at how well it turns out. As you quite correctly said "the child is innocent". You have the chance now to go through this pregnancy with your W - to be there when this child is born. I have only one child, and I can say that the best time of my marriage was during my W's pregnancy and shortly after the birth. I can't imagine what it's like to deal with the "who does [s]he look like" questions from friends and relatives who don't know. It wouldn't be easy, but it is something to consider.<p>'nuff said.<p>-AD

it sounds like you are making the right decision and know it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>stay strong !!!!!!

SG - Good for you to be so strong at such a difficult time! I think some of us need a slap in the face before we snap out of denial and accept the reality of the situation. It sounds like you got a little more than a slap in the face though. I think you are wise to go through with the divorce. I think a child brings very much happiness to a marriage and helps to strengthen a relationship, but it can also be just the catalyst to totally destroy anything you have at all. I say that because the time prior to and just after the birth of a child is a very special time for a couple - you can't help but bond with the experience. However, the child grows up and requires total commitment by both parents 24/7. You can't just walk out when the going gets tough . . . you can't just ignore it and hope it will take care of itself in time . . . it's a commitment forever! I would think very long and hard before I brought someone else's child into my home to raise by you and a wife that has already left once. Does she really understand what commitment means? Really? Or is she more the ". . . when the going gets tough, I'm outa here!" type?
Whatever you choose to do though, just know that you have many friends on MB who are here to support you. We will accept your decision and try to help you along the way as you need it.
Good luck!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your replies. I feared my post would drown in the bowels of the board.<p>She came over on Saturday and cried and lied some more. She told me over the phone that she was 12 weeks pregnant, and then she told me when she got here that she was 10 weeks pregnant. She is definitely only telling me as much as she thinks she needs to, and she changes her story if it suits her case. Very Clinton-esque.<p>In fact, she had told me "there is no one else" when she told me she wasn't going to move back in, when in fact either story - 12 or 10 weeks - would have conception before that point. I pointed this out, and she said there wasn't anyone else - she used the word "IS" at the time! Are we re-defining the meaning of the word "IS"?<p>Just Learning, I already told her she should get a lawyer to go after the father for child support. I told her I realized that the very same lawyer might come after me for alimony if she let him/her, but that it was most important to make the father responsible for the medical expenses and child support.<p>She said "you don't understand - he's left the country". I don't know for sure who the father is. But, if the father is who I think it is, he's american, and he's the owner of a business based in the UK. He's accessible. But he also happens to be her boss. But when she said "you don't understand", I yelled at her for the first time in my life. I mean yelled at the top of my lungs with force. Not threatening her - she wasn't scared. I yelled, "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME EVERYTHING!!!!" And she knew it.<p>I know it was the first time I've ever raised my voice with her, because it was a new feeling. I haven't felt in touch with my own anger for a long time. I've always suppressed it. Ever seen Me, Myself, and Irene?<p>JL, That's exactly why I think she's coming back - because it's too hard to do it alone, and it's too hard to go home to Brazil and swallow her pride and ask her family for support. I'm the easiest option.<p>Abandoned Dad,<p>We didn't want kids all this time because her career was always progressing or in transition whenever we discussed it. I never really felt ready for children anyway, financially or emotionally. So it was by choice, and I do believe it was a mutual decision.<p>If the father is who I think it is, we might have been able to pass the kid off as ours. But I don't want to live with that - it would feel like lying to everyone we meet.<p>The child doesn't deserve the resentment and passive aggression I know I'm capable of dishing out subconsciously. And if you want a reason why I won't take her back, Keeping Boundaries said it: Suppose we have the kid together, and five years down the road, she sees another butterfly. She'll chase it. And I'll be a single father. Do I deserve any of this? NO!!! I deserve to be happy. I'm not going to throw the rest of my life away because I feel sorry for W. Feeling sorry for W is no reason to take her back - in fact, it's the worst reason.<p>The fact is, Just Learning is right. I've tasted life without her. And I can't wait to at least get everything resolved, whether I pay alimony or not, but at least defined so that I can start a life living for me.<p>Thank you, Laura Lee. Even before I learned of the A, everyone was advising me not to take her back. Only my parents suggested counseling. Now that the A is a factor, there is no one left that is willing to say "you know, you should consider counseling together".<p>Thank you all for your replies, and you bet I'll be all over these pages in my next relationship, whenever I'm ready for it and/or it happens.

SG, Please excuse me for prying, but how did the lawyer visit go?<p>Tex.<p>You go dude.

Hi Stable Guy,<p>I can go along with how you feel about it. Your wife is very UNstable and that can make for a very painful future for you depending on whatever her whim is at the time. Especially because she is STILL lying to you. It's the lying that sets me off - some people just make a way of life out of it. Who needs that. It's the same reason I'd never take my X back, I lived thru 20 years of lies and cheating until I finally caught on, and he's still the most incredible lier I know.<p>I really can't see why you'd have to worry about alimony especially if she has a career and is obviously pregnant by someone else. I thought alimony these days was mainly for women (or men?) who are unemployed for a great deal of time such as in a mutual decision to stay home and raise the children (forsaking their own advancement). I say "men" also because I know a woman who is divorcing her cheating, won't-ever-ever-work cause he's lazy, husband who claims he can't work because he has a disability (ADHD!!!) - and she will have to pay him alimony because she was the only who always worked and kept the family going and the judge has told her that having been married to this guy for 10 years means that him not working must have been acceptable to her. So she busts her butt, has the kids, and has to pay him alimony so he can go ride around in his dune buggy with the wind in his long hair and not work. Of course, what does this have to do with anything?? It's just an interesting situation I felt like telling about.<p>I think you'll be fine. Start again and find an honest woman next time (if you even want a next time, I know I don't). Sometimes "ALONE" is not so bad! I'm loving it.<p>Take care.

SG,<p>Thanks for taking my comments gently. Not many people would do what I suggested and I fully understand, but I thought I needed to say it anyway - didn't figure anybody else would. There is a whole forum for that problem and some folks there who probably did it.<p>I can only imagine your pain in this situation. <p>Did your W imply that OM was running away (leaving the country) to escape the situation? Or was it just something that he did in the normal course of his business and he will be back?<p>Do you know what OB/GYN your W is seeing? or has she seen one - or just relied on the home test?<p>What a mess! It could happen to me too, which is why I'm interested. My W uses depo-provera shots and she was due for one a month ago but didn't go. She says she's "not going to do that anymore" (sleep with either me or OM), but I know from experience (with her) that it doesn't always work that way.<p>-AD

Let's see, Tex.<p>Lawyer visit went well. W and I went over all the terms of a settlement, and I will have the lawyer draft it up. No alimony, and I keep all my retirement.<p>Turns out that property division in my state is equitable, not 50-50. That means that since I have a lot of pull where the financial division is concerned, since I was the one that contributed the most to the marriage - she made some awful mistakes in our early years up until 2 1/2 years ago - we were $18K in credit card debt. And I alone was the driving force in getting that paid off, and I can honestly say we are debt free thanks to me alone. She would agree, believe it or not.<p>So I've offered to maintain and let her use the truck until she moves home, to continue to cover her health insurance on my plan until the divorce is final, and to give her half the equity in the house - we need to refinance to get the house in my name anyway, and rates favor the decision.<p>That way she walks away with more tax-free cash than she ever made in one year, and she doesn't have to worry about insurance of any kind at least until august, which will be the divorce proceeding date.<p>I don't think either of us are getting cheated financially if she actually signs the agreement we worked on.<p>It's a no-win situation, though - she got screwed, I got cheated. If you think about it. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Weirded, I think alone is a relative term. W is really alone, but it's not a happy alone. I'm alone, but I have family, friends, co-workers, therapist, and activities. I'm pretty damn happy for being alone and for having been cheated on.<p>Her "career" isn't really a reliable one - she can't ride horses when she's pregnant, and her company is less than 100 people. She's going to get fired in a couple months when she's too big to ride.<p>But then again, that's not my fault, is it?<p>AD,<p>She says OM goes back and forth routinely. He's back in the country now, so she says.<p>She's showing a little now. She says the date of her last period was September 9. And we last had sex around August 15 at the latest. And she has a doctor who confirmed the pregnancy. I don't know who, and I saw no test results.<p>The latest news is that she gave her landlord 30 days notice 28 days ago, but never found a place to live. She came over to my house on Saturday to cry and whine that she needs to find a place in 2 days. I told her she can stay where she is, the only things her current landlord can do is start eviction proceedings and continue to charge rent. Ever see Pacific Heights?<p>But she just sat there, waiting. I just let her. She was waiting for me to say "you can stay here for a while". I never did. I just asked "Well, what are you waiting for?" So she left. I haven't heard from her since then. I felt like crap for having to be so cold, but if I let her move back in, there would be no getting her out again. I feel SO GOOD now for having stood my ground that morning.<p>Meanwhile, I'm doing the refi, and doing Christmas shopping. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm getting the house appraised, and soon will be drafting the settlement using that information.

Life will be great soon. I can tell.<p>Thanks for all your posts!