Hi. usually I post over in emotional needs but I thought I might get some help here.<p>First off. . .I'm not seeking divorce, I don't want to divorce my W. I'm not happy in my marriage . . .but I'm committed to it because of my young children.<p>Here's the basic situation and then my questions. I'm looking for answers from folks who've gone through with it, or who've been close and have done the research. <p>My W is depressed. She was wired for depression by her parents who taught her perfectionism and from whom she never felt or saw unconditional love . . she had to earn it everyday with what she did or won. These attitudes also helped set the stage
for rampant materialism. They seem to go hand in hand. All her family only feels best when comapring salaries, or possessions, or vacations. Bad news for me is that her bio.brother has done well (over $200,000/year or so we're told) and her bio sister married a guy for his earning potential and at last boast he was closing in on $300,000.<p>So, never thought I'd say it, but my $85,000 a year is "po' white trash" in comparison.
My W's father and sister tell her so on a frequent basis.<p>As you're wired this way, you look outward for happiness, and life and other people are supposed to make you happy - at all times, and in all ways. While I know in my brain that these people CANNOT be made happy . . .I've spent 16 years trying to do just that. 7 years ago we brought children into the picture and the primary response of my W to children,much like her parents,is one of stress. I know children are stressful, but stress shouldn't be the primary emotion you have when you think of your kids . . .it is for my W.<p>As life each day doesn't turn out to be a wonderful walk in the park (kids made a mess,kids are sassin' back, we have to pay a charge card she ran up, whatever!) it brings her down and she comes after me. She leads me to believe that if only I made enough money for her to buy what she wants, when she wants it, have a cleaning lady, and a nanny (like her sister) then life would be good, and she wouldn't be depressed and angry (her sister is just that)As I cannot print the money for her, I have no solutions. I have taken on two other jobs to get to the $85,000 but those take me out of the house a few early evenings, and that's when she needs her break!!!!<p>So as she starts to complain to me about the sh*ttiness of her life, she adopts her mom's rules of fighting and goes for the juglar. Basically we don't fight anymore where she doesn't tell me how I've ruined her life and how she wants a divorce.<p>She'll go into a fantasy description of how great her life will be with me gone, with her dictating when I can see my children, living in the house we bought together, and me sending a big support check to her to allow her to live like she wants!!<p>So during yesterday's rage she told me she wanted me out of the house. I thought she might actually try to lock me out! (she didn't) or have thrown my clothes out in the yard (she didn't), but each rage seems to be worse than the last and last night as Iwas putting away laundry she had the yellow pages open to "divorce attorneys". She
didn't say anything, and I didn't respond. I simply put the phone book away this morning.<p>So, knowing that more fierce ragers are coming, I want to know the nuts and bolts of divorce. I don't plan on sharing these with her while she rages, but I'll drop little nuggets of knowledge on her when she's calm. So, can anyone tell me:<p>1) Can she throw me out of my house, assuming I've committed no crime against her or the kids? (I haven't, never will . .don't know if she's willing to lie about anything yet, we'll see)<p>2) As I won't file, what do I do if she files? ( I really don't believe that she will) Must I accept?<p>3) My salary truly goes to pay the bills and there's very, very little left over each month. She's a dental hygienist who can make $32/hour. Knowing her rage potential I would want the kids to come with me (knowing I'd have to put them in full-time Mon-Fri, day-care) Would I have to pay her support . . .especially at this lavish level
she imagines? I have a friend here at work whose ex-W is very similar to mine, and as he got custody of his kids (courts could see her rage potential) his ex-W, as a nurse,actually pays HIM some money!<p>
When my W rages she really does lose ALOT of contact with reality and her sole purpose of the rage becomes to hurt me. Even imparting her with the realities of divorce laws won't stop her, but I think she just deserves to know about reality.<p>Thanks for all your help!<p>WH

^

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

I agree 2M4, Its different in each state. I started exploring via the Internet. I knew a lot of things befoer even talking to my Atty. I kind of surprised him w/ some of the requests I made. He said I did my homework.<p>In Texas child support runs 20% of net for 1 child, 25/2, 30/3 and thats about it. She would only get alimony if she hasn't worked or does work but make below the preset poverty level.<p>But to digress, You can get alot of info from the Internet. <p>Tex.

Well... you can't be thrown out of your house, as long as you are on the title and there is no exclusive use court orders of the house, you are entitled to stay at your house. Believe me, just went through a whole learning curve lesson on this stuff.<p>Custody is an interesting situation, here in a no-fault state, they do try and give equitable custody and support is measured out on the incomes of the parents to make it so that they have fairly equal net spending amounts. Alimony is based on length of marriage, such as married for 8 years, alimony could be paid for 4 years. Marriages over 10 years do not have the 50% ruling, though. <p>If she files, there are things to do to protect yourself, but I am not one to ask that of. My experience has been that trying to use the MB principles while in a divorce situation led me to a 4.5 hour deposition of why I wanted a restraining order, but that is because of the attorney my STBX has and STBX's wanting to destroy me. Just know that divorce brings out some pretty scary things in people, especially if they are the materialistic angry types like my STBX and your W. Protect yourself early on.<p>She is living in a fog if she thinks divorce will bring her happiness and riches. It is a hellacious experience that takes years to recover from emotionally as well as financially. <p>My thoughts are with you, do your research, talk with an attorney (but don't let them talk you into a divorce if you aren't ready for it), and spend as much quality time with your children as possible.<p>Lori

hi whathappened ...isnt that funny my post and your answer were both deleted...Hmmmmm <p>i meant to thank you for an honest answer [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>my friend is seekin councelling now...he broke down at work a few datys ago and knows now he has decisions to make and help to make them.<p>if he decides to stay like you have...he will stay depressed and dependant on prescription drugs to create the distance he needs to survive, or with hte lack of them alcohol, i know its a bad way but right now it keeps him sane thru the rages ,,, his must rage more than yours?<p>im just really thrilled that he is finally reaching out for some help !<p>he fianlly admitted he couldnt make the decision alone [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>imnot the one to take him there he needed a totally unfettered opinion and to talk things uot out loud ! im sorry it took for him to fall apart to seek guidance but...sometimes it does take extreme things to wake up and guit the denial ;(<p>its VERY bad he IS ddepressed and it IS affecting his child...he knows this now..<p>i will be here for him when he needs me as he goes thru this hard time ...and hope he comes to the right decision to save his own life...and be happy

Thanks Bangarra and Soulmate,<p>We had one of those "it really didn't happen" weekends (very popular in her family) where my W acts like she didn't say these incredibly hurtful things to me (but no acknowledgement or apology). . .but (in spite of the skills I'm trying to develop) it's getting harder and harder for me to let these words and behaviors slide off my back. . . .they really, really hurt and I find I'm more down more hours of the day, on more days . . waiting for the next attack.<p>Soulmate, unlike you're friend I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol yet to cope. There would be NO ONE there for my kids if I did. I DO go to counseling on my own though. It does help to talk, but I'm waiting for some counselor to give me a "magic pill" that would make me not care about her words and see them as coming from a sick person . . .but I haven't found that counselor yet.<p>I do take kava as a herbal thing to soothe my anxiety about being around her and some days it helps more than others.<p>Bangarra - everyone who knows someone whose gone through a divorce basically echo your sentiments, and that's why I believe (in my head - not 100% in my heart - or I wouldn't be writing this stuff!) she says them to me just to hurt me because she's hurting so bad . . .and feels she can take it out on me. Any situation that she claims she has right now that causes her life to be such a hell on earth would only be multiplied ten-fold were she to divorce.<p>In terms on all the emotional things I wanted to put in (and get out of) my marriage - that is, an intimate loving relationship with another person . .well, she've really driven a stake through the heart of that over the last few years . . .but I'm intelligent enough to know that divorce wouldn't solve ANY of those issues. I'd just have to start over again with someone else, and on certain days, believe me, that sounds pretty good to me!!!<p>I have another question. I'm pretty sure the legal admisibility in court is questionable at best . . .but I purchased equipment to begin to tape my W during her rages. I'm hoping to capture comments that she makes about the kids either to me, or directly to them, as a way to bolster my case for getting at least primary custody if she were to ever "push the envelope" on this.<p>Is taping someone a good idea, can it be used to help your case at all?<p>WH

^

i dunno legally...but it seems like a really great idea!<p>if nothing else should you show her the tapes at some later more rational time when she will sit calmly....she might FINALLY see the monster she has become [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>might help , might not but i think she probably has NO idea how bad she is , and seeing it might open her eyes to the level she has reached...<p>and yes in a divorce case i believe <tho i have no idea weather im right or not here> it would seem that it would go a long way towards you getting custody [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] i wish my friend could do it...his is a good mom HORRIBLE partner / wife...<p>he would leave so fast if he thought for one second he could have custody and controll over the childs life *sigh*<p>sending the book i mentioned in the other thread to him today!!!!<p>too bad to stay / too good to leave...hope along with the counceling it gives him the clarity, and the permission to get out