Keep up the good work guys, your prayers are definately working. Much to many people's displeasure, I've decided not to work so hard on physically(not literally) removing myself from H and just start to detach emotionally. This means I'm not doing a perfect Plan B. <p>I've decided that nothing I can do is going to affect my H because he has what he wants. He was not cooperating with the not coming in orders and I don't want to place a restraining order on him. His physical being has never been and is not now any threat to me.
By hiding from him in my own house each morning, I found myself playing a game. From all I've read Plan B is not about playing. It should be about living. <p>Therefore, that is what I've decided to do. Live. Live for Christ, live for my children, and live for myself. The Grace of God will get me through. <p>I don't mean to denouce any MB methods because I truly believe they are sound priciples. Harley's books and this forum are God-sends. I don't doubt that. I've just spent so much time and energy trying to get a reaction from my husband that I'm suffering for it. Nothing I've been doing has been for me. I've tried to be a better housekeeper, not for me but to show him I could. I've tried to make improvements to the house and landscaping, somewhat for me but ultimately to show him I could accomplish something without him. I've tried to ignore him and hide from him but it only proves to him that I still love him so much it hurts to be around him.<p>The last 3 days, he has come in briefly in the mornings. One day was wear your PJ's to school day for my kindergartener. I felt I had to explain that one because son did look a bit funny with his PJ's coat and tennis shoes on.<p>The other days, I've basically been friendly but not hanging on his every word. I don't start any conversations but I'm not rude if he asks a question. I'm sure this fulfills some EN of his and that I didn't give plan B a chance. It just wasn't for me. I could not do it and it was making me look like I had no spine (which I don't by the way).<p>I will not do family things with him. I will not talk to him on the phone or write him letters anymore. He does not have e-mail or pager availability so those aren't a problem. I have reached a point that I can see him on my terms not him. I am still doing my best to have kids dressed, feed and bookbags packed when he arrives therefore limiting his reasons for coming in. BUT I'm not going to change my entire life and schedule to accomdate him. I was doing that. By having to hide in my own house, I felt trapped and emotional. I was only avoiding him to get a reaction, not to prevent any further pain.<p>I've realized the pain came from within me. He did not cause it just by coming in the door. I allowed my feelings to cause this pain. Totally based on expectations. <p>I just want to start living my life and by doing that, I can concentrate on me. I see the merits of a strict plan B and I think if I could have done it properly there would have been merit. I don't think it would work ultimately because my H has made his decision where he wants to be and there is nothing I can do to change it. He can change it and God can change him. I can do nothing about it but pray. <p>I hope this makes some sense and I hope I didn't offend any body. I just want to explain I'm going back to sort of plan A 1/2 . Can't fully plan A because I don't intend to purposefully meet any of husband's needs. BUT can't plan B either because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I think with time a strick Plan B will be in order for me. Once I've got past doing it expecting it to change him.<p>Thanks for your support. <p>PP

I've just spent so much time and energy trying to get a reaction from my husband that I'm suffering for it. .
MB is NOT about trying to "get a reaction" from the ws. It is about learning what you do/did in thge relationship & improving your own behaviors, NOT FOR YOUR spouse, but for you.<p>I see the merits of a strict plan B and I think if I could have done it properly there would have been merit. I don't think it would work ultimately because my H has made his decision where he wants to be and there is nothing I can do to change it.
Plan B is what YOU do to help you detach from your spouse and pull from yourself what you need. You learn to depend on YOU not him. If you say it can't/won't work then you are in for a terrible post divorce. If you do Plan B (even the way you are doing it [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) and understand what you hope to gain from it, then it CANNOT fail. It may ot save your marriage but it is not designed for that sole purpose.<p>We aren't offended (at least I'm not [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ). All this MB stuff is done for you and no one else. If you understand the reasoning behind them (possibly save your marriage but definitely to make you a better person!) and what you can expect (it may not save your marriage but it will affect your attitudes/outlook on life as much as you will let it) then you will walk away a winner.<p>It's okay to be sad the marriage ends and your spouse is clueless/rude/insensitive or whatever but if you had not followed at least SOME of the MB principles just think how much worse you would have felt?!?<p>Your doing just fine PP even if it doesn't seem so.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hi peoplepleaser,<p>I can understand where you are coming from. I agree with Chris....Plan B is more about you, than it is about him. <p>Plan B is meant to protect you. To keep you from ending up in emotional turmoil every time you see or think about your H. Granted, with kids, Plan B is gonna be hard. But it's possible....Laura Lee gave a couple of good examples. Detach.<p>The way you stop caring/loving is to STOP CARING & LOVING! It sound so simple! And in reality, it is. But you have to be very "present" within yourself and aware of what you're doing.<p>Because I am a visual oriented person, what I did was this: Whenever I had a thought or feeling about my H, I would visualize Jesus standing beside me with His hands cupped in front of Him. I would visualize myself taking that thought/feeling and physically placing it in His hands. (Afterall, He loves my H more than I ever could!)<p>This did two things for me: It seemed to give me some sense of relief that the feeling/thought was in "good hands" and that I wasn't alone, as well as, allowed me not to have to carry it. In other words, I would transfer my love for my H to Jesus...and ask Him to love my H....because I certainly wasn't getting thru to him!<p>Anyway, just a suggestion. Keep the faith!
Aloha,
Ms.O

Thanks. I'm glad I didn't get fussed at too much for my really bad Plan B.<p>The entire reason I started this thread is because of the things we have all said.<p>Plan B should be about me. Mine wasn't. I shouldn't expect anything from my H in his current state of mind. I was. etc....etc...etc...<p>Thats why I realized that what I was doing was hurting me more than helping me. I have to learn not to love him so much that I stop living without him. I know that. I don't want to forget how I felt or our time together but the ways things were had to change. <p>I have made progress and I've learned alot to help me with my new Plan B. I accept that I will see him briefly but I will not allow myself to be drawn into a relationship with him. He is the bus-driver.<p>I know I must seem manic-depressive. Last Friday I was crying my eyes out trying to figure out how to get over him, this Friday I could care less whether I see him again or not. I did see Doc today and plan to continue meds. I think I was extra sensitive last weekend due to hormones and skipping some dozes of my meds. <p>Things are looking up. Thanks for responding!<p>PP

Hi...<p>You sound so healthy again! Yes, you do go up and down just like all of us. Your thoughts are lucid and I'm glad you feel *in control* again... in control enough to let God do the work instead of trying to do it all yourself!<p>I am following along... though I don't have much to add to what others have said. I've learned a lot from you, Laura_Lee and others on your threads so, thank you for sharing your progress.<p>Take care!<p>Nicole