My husband has lost his mind. About 2 months ago he left me, our daugher (age 7), and our newborn son (4 months). He willingly didn't pay the rent for the month and didn't care if we were getting put out or not. I managed to get the rent paid without him. However, he has damaged our marriage forever and I don't ever want him back.<p>He keeps calling me asking me to let him come back home and things will be back to what they were(meaning that he would pay the rent like he always did). He really thinks that he can just waltz back into my house like nothing has happened like I am some kind of fool. He had the nerve to say that he still wants to be with me and that he's trying to show me that he is the man for me. He might as well give it up. In my eyes, he did a cowardly act just because he was mad (by not paying the rent and taking care of his family). How can any woman want a man after he has left his family because of a temper tantrum? He has even started taking the kids on the weekend. However, just a week ago, he said that he wasn't taking them because nobody is going to tell him when he can and can't have his children. He expected me to get all mad and upset, which I would have 1 year ago (this is my and my husband's second seperation and the last). However, I didn't. He knows that I don't care. I don't call him unless there is an emergency or the kids are sick. He is always calling me trying to strike up conversation about him and me. I always change the subject and remind him that this isn't a counseling session. He either talks to me about the kids, or else we have nothing to talk about. He does financially take care of my kids, but he could be doing more.
I like being on my own with just my kids, now. He's given me so much confidence and strength my leaving me. I know now that I can take care of my kids without him. I want a man (in the future, of course) that is going to appreciate me for who I am and love me children as well. I want to be in love with a man again. I haven't been in love with my husband in years. I want to experience love again. It is a beautiful thing. My husband was doing things to make my life harder in the last 2 months on purpose. I know why, though. It is because he knows that he can't have me and the fact that I don't want him anymore. I am taking time out to take a good look within myself. Of course I have my faults, but I wouldn't let them cost me my marriage like my husband has. In time, I will date again. I want to wait until I am divorced to seriously start dating, but I am aware that sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I can't file for divorce until Sept. of 2002. Do you think that I am waiting too long to start dating?<p>Let me know your thoughts and concerns.

You go girl!!! <p>It's always best if the marriage can work - but once they leave - it's amazing how many think it's a revolving door. My STBXH seems to think that if he wants sex he should be able to buy me dinner and hop in the sack... NOT HAPPENING!!!<p>Be sure your personal boundaries are set in stone. I didn't and was wavering - because I thought the marriage was worth giving a few things up for - but in the end - I was doing ALL the giving - just like I had been for several years. Don't do it - hang onto your self esteem and don't let him take it away from you.<p>Jan

Doesn't it feel great to be out from under the cr@p.. You are going to make it.. Enjoy life!!<p>Tex.

Have the two of you been to counseling?<p>My W and I went to a counselor 6 years ago, and I don't believe either of us got a good feeling about him or his ability to work out our problems.<p>Sometimes the counselor you choose makes all the difference. Don't stick with one that's not working for too long.<p>Until I found out about the A, I was willing to give W a chance to see a new counselor when she was trying to worm her way back. Even though I was no longer committed to the relationship, I thought there was still a remote chance we could be happy.<p>If you think there's a chance you two can be happy, I would still recommend seeing a counselor together. You can frame your needs and expectations, as well as his. And find out why he seems to have lost his mind.<p>Good luck,<p>Stable Guy

Canderella,<p>About 2 months ago he left me, our daugher (age 7), and our newborn son (4 months)
Why did he leave (or why do you think he left)?<p>However, he has damaged our marriage forever and I don't ever want him back.
??? It’s okay to be hurt by all if this but don’t jump too soon.<p>In my eyes, he did a cowardly act just because he was mad
What was he mad about?<p>this is my and my husband's second seperation and the last
What was the first separation about? How long & why, who’s decision, who left?<p>He expected me to get all mad and upset, which I would have 1 year ago (this is my and my husband's second seperation and the last). However, I didn't. He knows that I don't care.
And you are writing here because you don’t care?<p>I want a man (in the future, of course) that is going to appreciate me for who I am and love me children as well. I want to be in love with a man again. I haven't been in love with my husband in years. I want to experience love again.
So explain a little about what has gone on in your marriage over the last x years. Why did you get married?
Why did he leave/separate?
Why haven’t you loved him for years?
What you both done to get your marriage where it is now?<p>Of course I have my faults, but I wouldn't let them cost me my marriage like my husband has.
So you have done absolutely nothing to get the marriage to where it is now?<p>In time, I will date again. I want to wait until I am divorced to seriously start dating,
But you will date “not seriously” before the divorce? Are you seeing someone now?<p>but I am aware that sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.
It only “doesn't work out that way“ as long as you let it. If you are asked out on a date, then you can say, “I am not divorced yet”
and don’t go out on dates.
I can't file for divorce until Sept. of 2002.
Why not? You can file for divorce just about anytime but it takes varying mounts of time to be complete, depending on where you are.<p>Do you think that I am waiting too long to start dating?
I think you are waiting not even close to long enough to start dating. You have not even filed for divorce & you are ready to get going again?<p>Before you even think about dating you need to look at your marriage and try to figure out how it got where it is. 50% of the marriage was your responsibility, including the problems. If you don’t analyze what went wrong, you are only going to end up in the same place a few years from now.<p>seekingjoy2 & AgoodManInTexas,
This site is MarriageBuilders. We don’t encourage people to jump ship just because they want to. We try to find out what happened to bring them to MB in the first place and help them make LIFE ALTERING decisions which are not based solely on ever changing emotions.

Chris raises some very good questions. Canderella, your message is loud and clear how much your H's actions have hurt. I hear a lot of anger, and you have every reason to be angry. Anger will harden your heart, though. Time spent in resolving that anger is very worthwhile. Finding room in your heart for forgiveness will dissolve that anger. Along that road, you'll find things within yourself that need forgiving too. Your H may be a rotten sob, but somehow you ended up with him. I believe that each person enters our lives with a lesson for us to learn from them. <p>I agree with Chris that it's way too early for you to even think about dating. If you fail to learn the lesson in front of you right now (whatever it is), someone else with the same lesson to teach will enter your life. You don't what THAT, do you? That would be my biggest concern for you if you started dating right away.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>Canderella,<p>About 2 months ago he left me, our daugher (age 7), and our newborn son (4 months)
Why did he leave (or why do you think he left)?<p>However, he has damaged our marriage forever and I don't ever want him back.
??? It&#8217;s okay to be hurt by all if this but don&#8217;t jump too soon.<p>In my eyes, he did a cowardly act just because he was mad
What was he mad about?<p>this is my and my husband's second seperation and the last
What was the first separation about? How long & why, who&#8217;s decision, who left?<p>He expected me to get all mad and upset, which I would have 1 year ago (this is my and my husband's second seperation and the last). However, I didn't. He knows that I don't care.
And you are writing here because you don&#8217;t care?<p>I want a man (in the future, of course) that is going to appreciate me for who I am and love me children as well. I want to be in love with a man again. I haven't been in love with my husband in years. I want to experience love again.
So explain a little about what has gone on in your marriage over the last x years. Why did you get married?
Why did he leave/separate?
Why haven&#8217;t you loved him for years?
What you both done to get your marriage where it is now?<p>Of course I have my faults, but I wouldn't let them cost me my marriage like my husband has.
So you have done absolutely nothing to get the marriage to where it is now?<p>In time, I will date again. I want to wait until I am divorced to seriously start dating,
But you will date &#8220;not seriously&#8221; before the divorce? Are you seeing someone now?<p>but I am aware that sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.
It only &#8220;doesn't work out that way&#8220; as long as you let it. If you are asked out on a date, then you can say, &#8220;I am not divorced yet&#8221;
and don&#8217;t go out on dates.
I can't file for divorce until Sept. of 2002.
Why not? You can file for divorce just about anytime but it takes varying mounts of time to be complete, depending on where you are.<p>Do you think that I am waiting too long to start dating?
I think you are waiting not even close to long enough to start dating. You have not even filed for divorce & you are ready to get going again?<p>Before you even think about dating you need to look at your marriage and try to figure out how it got where it is. 50% of the marriage was your responsibility, including the problems. If you don&#8217;t analyze what went wrong, you are only going to end up in the same place a few years from now.<p>seekingjoy2 & AgoodManInTexas,
This site is MarriageBuilders. We don&#8217;t encourage people to jump ship just because they want to. We try to find out what happened to bring them to MB in the first place and help them make LIFE ALTERING decisions which are not based solely on ever changing emotions.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, Chris,<p>I am going to try to respond to your questions the best that I can. I'm still trying to learn to post messages and use the quotes. So, please bear with me.<p>1. Why my husband left me.
My husband left me because he felt that I didn't respect him. I respected him the best that I could considering the things that he said said and done to me while I was pregnant with my son (nothing physical).<p>2.The damage that my husband has done is not repairable.
My husband viciously refused to pay the rent when he had the money and ability to do so. He even told my sister that he hopes I fall on my face and that I cannot make it financially without him. What a cold, callous thought. He didn't care if my children and me would have been put out on the street and he said so. I didn't hear that from someone else---I heard it from the horse's mouth. He felt that respecting him meant doing what he said when he said do it, even if I didn't agree. When he refused to pay the rent like he has been all 5 1/2 years of our marriage just because he was angry, I felt like I really didn't know him anymore. This is a man who pays all of his bills on time and makes sure that they get paid. You mean to tell me that taking care of your family isn't one of the most important bills you have? I think not. My home has sentimental valuable to me. It is my place of rest, relaxation, solace, and where my children are raised. This is the only home that my children know as far as living in a house is concerned. He wanted to hurt me so bad, he put his own anger in front of his children's welfare. I don't know about you, but my kids is where I draw the line. I can take it if you are lashing out at me, however, I will never tolerate anyone, including my husband, lashing out my kids, who are the innocent victims. I have forgiven him, considering he drives a car that I've co -signed for him years ago that he barely lets me drive. I could have had the car taken back to the bank, however, I do not want to handle things that way. How my husband left me was cowardly and callous. A man does not leave his family the way that he left me--4 days before the rent was due.<p>3. He expected me to get mad and upset, but I didn't because I don't care.
I don't care the my marriage is over. I've tried to make it work with that man for too long and he has just taken it for granted. I've offered for us to go to marriage couneling numerous time and all he could say was that we didn't need it. So, I started to read self-help books on my own, not that I suffer from any low esteem. I just wanted to emotionally improve myself. When I cared about my marriage, I would scream, argue, fuss, curse because I felt that he didn't care. The more I started to care less and less, the less I did those things until it got to the point that I didn't do them at all. I knew then that it was over. I knew it was over between me and my husband while I was pregnant, but I was a bit scared of supporting my baby-to-be and my daughter alone. He put me through so much verbal abuse and luckily I have a great self esteem about myself not to let it get to me. He hated that. My husband suffered from low self esteem as a kid because he was bony and tall. When he became an adult (about 19), he buffed up, grew to be 6'2", about 220 lbs., and started to build himself a self esteem. He hated the fact that he could not tear down my self esteem. I am relieved that my marriage is over because I don't have to be subjected to the verbal abuse, the threats of him not following through on things if what he said or wanted was not done, or being the object of affection only when sex is involved. Let someone else deal with that. I hated having sex with him anyway because there was no intimacy involved. I love my husband as regards to him being okay, but I am not in love with my husband.<p>4. Of course, I have my faults.
I do and I admit that I had my contributions to our marriage failing. My husband was in the Navy for 4 years out of our 5 1/2 year marriage. He was stationed in Norfolk, Va while my daughter and I were in Baltimore. He would come home every weekend or every other weekend if the ship was very busy. He had 2 6-month cruises that he served during our marriage. I really wasn't lonely because my family was in Baltimore, my daughter was in so many activities, I worked full-time and attended college part-time. I didn't have time to feel lonely. However, I did write and call him and he did the same. I can tend to be bossy at times. I admit that. If there is something on my mind, then, I am going to say it, in a tactful way. I tend to say things that I shouldn't say at times. My husband has tried to make things right with me in the past, but I guess I held on to the way he had wronged me in the past, that I rejected him in covert ways. My husband has had an affair before (when we were separated the first time) and tried to hide it, then one day she shows up at my house with a woman in his (and my) car. She stayed in the car while he came in to pick up his mail. I felt that this was one of the ultimate disrepectful things that a man could do. Did he expect me to get mad or something? I don't fight over any man. Never have and never will. If he wants to be there with you, you don't have to fight for him because he's right there where he wants to be.<p>5. Waiting to date.
I'm sorry that I gave the impression that I wanted to start dating. I do not. However, I was wondering how long it will take and how will you when you're ready to start dating.<p>I would write more, but I am getting sleepy. Please reply to me. I really enjoyed your viewpoints. <p>Thanks,<p>Canderella

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>seekingjoy2 & AgoodManInTexas,
This site is MarriageBuilders. We don&#8217;t encourage people to jump ship just because they want to. We try to find out what happened to bring them to MB in the first place and help them make LIFE ALTERING decisions which are not based solely on ever changing emotions.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Chris - I appologize. I was wrong in my response - I was reacting out of my own situation. I'm married to a man who walked out May 2 after trying to convince me that it's not his responsibility for more than 12 years to support his family. He hasn't paid a dime - until he showed up with a check for $400.00 last night. He's never asked if the kids needed anything - if the rent was paid - if they had groceries - if they needed coats for winter, etc. I've tried - at his request - several times since he left to work things out with him... He's SOOOOOO angry - I can't imagine why he wants me in his life if he's really THAT angry with me. The reality is I think he's angry with himself - taking it out on me.<p>Guess that's how he wants to live - NOT me. I can't imagine living with that kind of anger the rest of my life.<p>Canderella - if your guy is basically a good person - give him an opportunity to become the husband you need. Determine why he was angry and your part in it, then make the changes necessary in yourself. I'm NOT saying to give up yourself or to allow him to destroy you as a person. Be yourself, broaden your horizons, strengthen your boundaries, and plan a yourself - to be the best person you can be. It really is your choice... Be what YOU want to be.<p>Blessings,<p>Jan

sounds like you have already decided GF [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>i applaude you for being strong , when you knew it was over while preggers it must have been excruciatingly painful [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>be strong and do what your heart tells you is right...may i suggest a good book ?<p>its called too good to leave / too bad to stay it will either help you decide you are concreetly right or that it may possibly be worth saving [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>its available online , got mine at amazon !<p>good luck to you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>life is too short says I

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by soulmate11:
<strong>be strong and do what your heart tells you is right.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>That is exactly the WRONG thing to do. The ws‘s who leave are following their “heart” or their feelings, which are totally out of whack because affairs cause such a tremendous upheaval in emotions and feelings.<p>When making life changing decisions, use your head. Examine everything. The past, present & future possibilites. Examine your own motives for decisions and the likely AND unlikely outcomes of those decisions. Don‘t totally discount your feelings but a very minor part they should play.

Hi Canderella & Soulmate11, <p>First, I am sorry for the hurt you're experiencing. And I being a BS, know what you're going thru.<p>But ...<p>You should really listen to Chris. He knows what he's talking about. These are pearls of wisdom he's sharing with you and I would at least explore the possibility of what Chris is telling you before doing what most WS's call "MOVING ON".<p>And the "dating" thing, if you become involved while still leaving unresolved issues from your marriage on the back burner, you will most definitely end up with the same duck, just a different set of feathers.<p>I do have a question for you Canderella. Why is/was your H so angry in the first place?<p>
Jo

Hi:<p>Chris has some very solid points. <p>We should make decisions based on something other than our feelings. Our feelings are reactions based on circumstances. Circumstances change... feelings change.<p>When we get married we say things like, "For better or for worse" to balance ourselves and give us a point of reference when one spouse or the other acts in a harmful way.<p>We all need love. Paying the rent means "I love you" to wife and children. It's more than just the money. <p>Laura

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hi, Laura Lee<p>I really enjoyed your reply about what your pastor had said and I do agree. A husband is financially responsible for his household in God's eyes. The wife should be there to pick up the load that is too much for him to handle, as most wives do who love their husbands. When a husband willing refuses to take care of his family, such as mine did, it is something detestable to Jehovah God. How can a man ask for his wife's love when he has shown that he has little or no regard for his family's well-being. There is no excuse or reason in this world for a man to treacherously, callously, cowardly and intentionally leave his family in financial straits. I know that I didn't give my husband the affection that he wanted and I had my reasons for that. I loved my H, but I wasn't in love with him. However, I loved him enough to try to make things work until he abandoned me and my children. After that, there was nothing left to save or hold on to. Any remainder of feelings that I had left for him were plummeted. <p>I know that I didn't give my H the affection and reassurance that he wanted and I had my reasons for that. I loved him out of duty -- a wife is supposed to love her husband. However, I did treat him well, until he started to take my kindess for a weakness. He was lying, breaking all promises that he had ever made and was starting an affair (at that time, nothing sexual) while living in our home. He must have thought that I was an idiot. I've never been the type to argue for fight over a man and never will. That's what he wanted, though. That would make him feel like I loved him. That is definitely a distorted thought. I am Canderella, not who my H wants Canderella to be or become.

Hi, Laura Lee<p>I really enjoyed your reply about what your pastor had said and I do agree. A husband is financially responsible for his household in God's eyes. The wife should be there to pick up the load that is too much for him to handle, as most wives do who love their husbands. When a husband willing refuses to take care of his family, such as mine did, it is something detestable to Jehovah God. How can a man ask for his wife's love when he has shown that he has little or no regard for his family's well-being. There is no excuse or reason in this world for a man to treacherously, callously, cowardly and intentionally leave his family in financial straits. I know that I didn't give my husband the affection that he wanted and I had my reasons for that. I loved my H, but I wasn't in love with him. However, I loved him enough to try to make things work until he abandoned me and my children. After that, there was nothing left to save or hold on to. Any remainder of feelings that I had left for him were plummeted. <p>I know that I didn't give my H the affection and reassurance that he wanted and I had my reasons for that. I loved him out of duty -- a wife is supposed to love her husband. However, I did treat him well, until he started to take my kindess for a weakness. He was lying, breaking all promises that he had ever made and was starting an affair (at that time, nothing sexual) while living in our home. He must have thought that I was an idiot. I've never been the type to argue for fight over a man and never will. That's what he wanted, though. That would make him feel like I loved him. That is definitely a distorted thought. I am Canderella, not who my H wants Canderella to be or become.