I am so furious at my X-MIL.<p>She took my kids to see Santa this past weekend.<p>Sidebar: Not her place to do this. She has a history of doing things with the kids before I get a chance to. Whoever heard of going to see Santa before Thanksgiving? It isn't even her son's holiday this year!<p>I find this out because on the way to school this morning my son tells me 'Santa' is going to bring him a GERBIL to MY HOUSE and (a short list of videos and toys) to Grandma's house. I try to cover my fury and gently let him know that last time I knew, Santa didn't bring live animals because pets are a family decision. I asked if he talked to Santa, and he told me about Grandma taking him. (Why is my X not doing these 'parent' things? He wasn't even with them! That's right, he never did before, why start now. Grrrr.)<p>Okay, divorced parents with the every-other-holiday custody arrangement, does 'Santa' come to both houses every year? How do I know that Santa won't bring the same toy/game/whatever to MY house on MY holiday the day AFTER 'Santa' brings it to my child? If he does, how do I explain that to my kids? (I'd really love to say the REAL Santa ONLY delivers on Christmas morning and that his Grandma must have been WRONG but that will only bite me in the @$$.)<p>Do I say something to the X-MIL? (She hates me and has said awful things about me to my kids, etc.) Do I say something to my X? I am so infuriated right now, but I can't think of ANYTHING I can do that won't ultimately hurt my kids. I want to scream but all that comes out is a sob.
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

This is my 1st yr for this buy my STBX & I have decided that Santa only comes to 1 house, mine where the boys live. And as this is the more than likely the last yr YS believes, STBX will be here Christmas morning. This is the plan now, of course what I had thought was planned for Thanskgiving seems to be changing. I would guess we will stick with this plan unless the OW that my STBX lives with throws a hissy fit.<p>I would tell your son, that he must have misunderstood that Santa only brings live animals to the house of the person that is with the child when they see Santa. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't have any real words of wisdom to offer as I haven't faced this yet, but it is coming!
I can understand your frustration with your MIL, especially about taking the kids to do this before you can. But, you can still take them and they will get to see Santa TWICE!
As far as the issue of where Santa brings gifts, I think it is ok for Santa to bring gifts to more than one house. You need to be able to coordinate with H and MIL (and whoever else is buying gifts) so that Santa does not duplicate. <p>I would definately call MIL about the gerbil thing and just tell her - "I was a little concerned about what _____ told me about their visit with Santa. He said SC was bringing a gerbil for Christmas. If you would like SC to bring a gerbil to your house for ____ to visit that is wonderful! But, since I am not having a gerbil at my house I am going to have to explain that Santa misunderstood. Please talk to me before promising things like this so the kids are not disappointed."<p>Even if she didn't mean any harm, she has not right to be telling them what they will be getting at your house - especially involving gifts that EAT AND POOP AND STINK!<p>It is good that you get your anger and frustration out here before you talk to her, so you can be cool, calm and in charge in the conversation!<p>Keep us posted,
Wiffle

P.S. My bad memory just gave me an unpleasant surprise. Last year X had them for Christmas (picked them up Christmas Eve) ... and the kids were told in the morning that Santa didn't come because they had already HAD Christmas twice!!
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>(My family got together a few days before [nothing was from 'Santa'], and I gave them the things I had bought for them on Christmas Eve since I wouldn't see them again for four days ... so OF COURSE I told them Santa would come that night to Grandma's house!!)
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So everything they got on Christmas Day was from 'Dad' and 'Grandma' (they didn't have to take half of what they bought and make it look like it came from 'Santa' so to the kids it looked like they bought them a LOT more stuff), AND worse, they made Mom look like a liar!!
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Bumping myself up ... I'm going to need to talk to the X soon because of the holiday break coming up and other stuff ... please help me with approaching this the right way.

bump = HELP!<p>I am thinking of writing my feelings in a letter for the X. Something about needing to discuss the whole 'Santa' matter and explain what our son told me in a non-accusatory way, etc.<p>Problems:<p>1. He never wants to 'discuss' anything. He would rather tell me how it is going to be (or not talk to me at all). If I want him to do something, it had better benefit him three times more than it benefits me.<p>2. If anything I write seems 'controlling' to him, he will blow up (he's sure that *I* have always been the controlling one) and refuse to listen to reason, and that is something I don't need right before the holidays.<p>3. If I mention his mother AT ALL he'll go into cornered wounded animal attack mode. He's just sure she can do no wrong, and that my entire family is evil. No that is not an understatement.

PB - I would be very careful how I handled this one.<p>The gerbil thing - I might have a pet store deliver one to GRANDMA's HOUSE to STAY there - on Christmas morning!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] But the animal rights activists might have a problem with that. <p>I think I would explain carefully to my son that some gifts are just not delivered by the REAL SC... of course - the REAL SC is NEVER seen in public BEFORE THANKSGIVING either... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It MUST have been an imposter. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Strange how children actually are so adaptable. My children realized because Santa wrapped his gifts in the same paper I use - that Santa must be MOM. But, the other side is, my STBX NEVER bought gifts for my kids - they always knew who bought them things... so it really wasn't a problem. <p>It's up to you how you handle it - but remember the real point of the season is Christ - and you don't want your children to loose the 'spirit of Christmas' because it became a battle of the parents.<p>You can 'refuse' to be part of this 'battle' - by just stepping out of the picture. Not the picture of your child's life - but, by just not allowing your MIL or XH to draw you into their battle. It sounds like they just like the fight.<p>It's your choice - make the one you want to make.<p>Jan

Like I said, my evil side wants to say the REAL Santa ONLY delivers on Christmas morning and that Grandma must have been WRONG, but they defend Grandma just like they've seen their Dad do, and it would only make me look bad. I wouldn't do it.<p>We donate used items to the thrift store, we drop coins in the red buckets, we talk about how lucky we are to have the things we do have, and every year (more often than that, but...) we watch Veggie Tales' The Toy That Saved Christmas which is a GREAT video by the way. I know I do these things with the kids, can't control what the X does on his time.<p>When I can't ignore X's decisions is when they affect me and my relationship with our children, ie. 'Santa' bringing the same toy to two houses ... kids don't believe in Santa for very long these days, my son is already 6 and who knows if he's heard anything in school. I don't want this to be the way he finds out Santa isn't real, just because his parents can't communicate.<p>It's been a rough week. I need to take a break from this stress.

Another book you may want to get to read to your children is "The Polar Express" - it is all about 'believing'.
My oldest son is almost 12 and he knows there isn't really a man who lives at the North Pole and flies around the world in one night, but he can still believe in the wonder and miricle of Christmas.
As can we all.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by seekingjoy2:
<strong>You can 'refuse' to be part of this 'battle' - by just stepping out of the picture. Not the picture of your child's life - but, by just not allowing your MIL or XH to draw you into their battle. It sounds like they just like the fight.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, after a long weekend 'away from it all' I am fine with just letting it go ... I won't bring up the subject with the X unless he brings it up first. If he wants to make an issue of it, that's all on him now. I can see that what was said and done was to make me react and I won't play this game. Well, I *did* react here, but they didn't get to enjoy my initial heated response. ;}

I just have another little vent I don't want them to enjoy...<p>The kids are not allowed to bring home anything that Dad and Grandma buy them. Not even for a week. They were told that if they did, "they" (Dad/Grandma) wouldn't see it again.<p>Translation: My children were told that Mom will steal it.<p>My daughter just had a birthday and she told me about all these things that she got at her party at Grandma's house (can we say 'buying their love'?) ... excited about it at first, but then I think even she figured out that she will only get to play with these new things every other weekend.<p>My son's response to my suggestion that he ask if he could bring home a favorite toy he had been talking about was, "I know them. They won't let me." What a mature response for a small boy. It was then that I found out he was told that Mom wouldn't return it.<p>These people just irritate me.

Don't you just hate that? <p>I went through that with everything. <p>"Oh these socks or underwear need to go back to mom's house"<p>or<p>"I need to take X to mom's" Then it truly is never seen again.<p>I finally got fed up with it one day and told my X that these things are all the children's things and are not defined by what house they are in. Let the kids bring things back and forth as they wish.<p>Well that worked for the socks and underwear but that's about it. Funny thing is that I swear to Goodness that I've bought 9,000 pair of socks since we split and I think the girls have about 5 each left at my house. I wonder where the other 8,955 are? Let me guess they are at the person's house who was afraid that I would steal them.<p>This whole thing is just petty, childish, and rediculous not to mention that once again the people that lose are the children.

I agree - absolutely ridiculous! There isn't a better word for it.
In my very humble opinion, you have 2 options as to how to deal:
1. Call MIL on the phone (or their idiot father) and say in your nicest, sweetest, most adorable voice, "Daughter was so excited about the wonderful _______(fill in the blank gift) she got for her birthday! Thank you so much! She hasn't stopped talking about it. She was a little upset when she realized she will only get to play with it a couple of times a month. Next time she's over, why don't you just stick it in her bag before she comes back so she can really enjoy your thoughtful gift."<p>I know, it sounds sappy and stilted. The point is to catch them off-guard with so much sugary sweetness they don't know what to do with it. Also, you make a point that is hard to argue with.<p>Option 2:
Ignore the whole thing.<p>I guess, you do have a 3rd option, which would be to call them up and ***** about how ridiculous they are being - but, somehow I don't see that obtaining the desired result!

Guess I gotta go with Option 2.<p>As much as I'd like to say something, I know me. I would start out as Option 1 but their selfish attitudes would push me right into Option 3. Perhaps.<p>I do have a lot more control over that than I used to. Debating with one of them is like arguing with a rock. But they don't affect me nearly as much as when I was depressed. I'm happy now and they don't have the power to take that from me.

PBC,<p>I'm glad you let the Santa thing go. If anything I'd tell the children they are special and get to see Santa twice.<p>Regarding the gerbil. I'd tell son to inform grandma and father if he gets the gerbil from Santa, this means Grandma ordered it from Santa not you, therefore he must keep it at their house or the gerbil will be adopted to another nice home. Unless you don't mind a gerbil. As for me "No rats in the house! EVER!"<p>LH,<p>About the socks and underwear. I can tell you, I tried sending socks and underwear and then getting them back....Clothes work, underwear and socks don't. I bought extra socks and underwear and sent them to stbx's house, I told him to keep them and when he runs out, he can buy new ones. He agreed to this with no problem, as he too saw it was easier for us.<p>I did have a problem with getting all the clothes back dirty. I sent them clean and folded, he brought them home dirty. Even the clean ones were mixed in with the dirty ones, often wet clothes from the pool, mixed with dry, clean clothes. What a mess? Because of the sports and the pool, they would go through three outfits a day at his house.<p>It took a few emails but problem was solved. First, I sent him an email saying, "I sent the clothes clean and folded, please send them back that way, with the acception of one dirtied outfit each to be put in a separate bag."<p>He sent me an email stating he wouldn't do this, they were always too busy playing and didn't have time, (same excuse and not getting homework with them [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>So I sent him back an email stating this, "Out of fairness to both parties, if you don't have enough time, then I will send dirty clothes for you to wash, and you can send them back dirty." <p>Wow, was he mad. He sent me emails arguing but I stood firm. From then on, I got clean, kind of sort of folded, clothes back. Geeez!<p>c'ya later,<p>ANNA

Anna,<p>You see in our situation there is no dropping clothes off for the other. We have joint custody and we each have a ton of their clothes. In the beginning my X wanted every sock, pair of underwear, shirt, or pair of pants that the children wore to my house given back to her. Mysteriously she never thought of returning the clothes that they wore from my house. Well I pretty much laid it out that this wasn't gonna be happening. It's the kids clothes and they can wear what they want. My X has gotten quite a bit better but this issue still bugs the heck out of me. <p>I buy them clothes all the time and really could care less when they wear them. However if SHE buys them something she tries to make sure they only wear it when they are gonna be at her house the next day or if by some off chance they sneak out with something new on then when I'm folding laundry I'll hear "Mom wants that shirt back". UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!! <p>It's not like our girls are deprived they have clothes coming out their ears. So what difference does a SHIRT make.... It's just frustrating.

LH,<p>Okay I gotcha now! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have thought of a similar option. It would have to be in the future, as we are now both unemployeed and to have two sets of clothes would be too costly. I could also see my older son still wanting to pack his favorite clothes. He's so picky, but I guess that could be his choice.<p>Thanks for clearing it up for me.<p>ANNA