My H and I are separated and have not yet filed for divorce. We have 3 kids 11, 16, and 17. My 17 year old daughter is very angry about the separation anyway but she is extremely angry about having to split up the holidays. She said she would rather stay home alone than choose to go to grandparents with either one of us because she will be feeling so bad wherever she is knowing the other is alone. She doesn't want to do it. This is so out of character for her because she has always thrived on family time together. In the past my H hated the holidays because he hates all the fuss and demands. The only part of any holiday he really enjoys is the football. Why don't my kids see that now? Why do they think he will be so lonely without them when all he will be doing is watching football games on t.v. as he's always done in the past. For 20 years I had to push him to participate in family activities at the holidays and they know this. Why don't they remember that? What should I do? We haven't filed for divorce so there is no set rules. Should my H and I make the plans as we see best and insist the kids go along with it or should we allow the kids to decide? Please help!

Divorce and holiday's are all new to me but I'll share what I've tried to do through our divorce and now through the holidays.<p>My x and I had a pretty bitter custody battle going along with all the other issues and it made it real hard to separate my feelings of anger towards my x from doing what's best for the kids. The fact is that the children have nothing to do with your marital problems or feeling or opinions of the other person. They see two parents that they love and don't want to hurt either of them. So I did and do everything possible to ensure that my girls never have to choose a parent. I kept them out of court and I keep them out of holiday discussions until a decision is made. Sure they don't "like" the final decision sometimes and sometimes they'll say that it's unfair towards one of the parents (namely me) but once the decision is made between the x and I, I don't whine, gripe, complain, or anything, rather I approach it with a positive attitude.<p>Just my .02<p>Best of luck to ya!<p>[ November 19, 2001: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</p>

Thanks, Lost. I know you are right. I need to just stick to the original plan and keep the kids out of the responsibility of deciding. I will make a very big effort to do as you suggested - once the plan is set, to follow through with a postitive, upbeat attitude.
Thanks!