This is for plan B, where we have not reached a separation agreement yet. If I want 40 to 50% of the overnights, what schedule is better for the kids? They are all in elementary school.<p>I thought alternating weeks, Sunday to Sunday. My wife thought I could have them Thurs-Sat nights, which is okay with me on the percentage but I don't want to enable her continued affair every single weekend. She says the shorter stays are better for the kids. I don't want to miss anything or be blinded by my own interests.<p>- Tom

Tom, I don't think I've seen you on the boards and I presume the same about me. I was divorced earlier this year and have 3 girls 12, 9, & 6. The custody and visitation schedule was a huge concern of mine. Originally I did want the alternating weeks but after much research I decided against that especially because of the youngest child. Now I'm glad that I did because there have been times where I'll have to go 4 or 5 days without seeing the children and I go totally crazy. As a side note I really wouldn't worry about enabling her to continue her affair for if she wants to continue it she will and you can't control that. The most important thing to focus on right now is coming up with the best arrangement for you to enable yourself to spend the most quality time with the children.<p>We ended up settling on a two week revolving schedule with each day listed being an overnight<p>Mon: Mom
Tues: Dad
Wed: Mom
Thu: Mom
Fri: Dad
Sat: Dad
Sun: Dad
Mon: Mom
Tues: Mom
Wed: Dad
Thu: Dad
Fri: Mom
Sat: Mom
Sun: Mom<p>Now that is our scheduled times but with my x's current lifestyle choices and work schedule, I have the children a lot more than that.

Thanks, Bill. I will see if she'll go for something along those lines.<p>Usually I post on GQ2, sometimes plan A/B. But I browse many of the other forums and recognize your id. I thought there would be more specific experience on this question, here in D/D. Thanks again for the suggestion.<p>- Tom

tmmx:<p>Thanks for raising the question, and LH thanks for the idea on rotation.<p>Just recently seperated and no formal agreements yet, pretty loose & accomodating. Better have something in the bag, though, in case of complications later.<p>Muzohead

tmmx,<p>Sorry to hijack your thread but this topic is also very interesting to me. My only child (daughter) is one year old. Does anybody have experience with visitation/custody schedule for this case. If we start now with no overnights when should overnights start? How do we get up to 50/50? At what age? I think by the time she is 5, it is possible, and LostHusband's schedule is interesting.<p>If I can actually get up to 50/50 that would make this situation so much more acceptable. I am so afraid of being a marginal part of my daughters life - to be forgotten by her or considered secondary if my W remarries.<p>Thanks for any suggestions and again appologies to tmmx for hijacking his thread.<p>-AD

AD,<p>Man that's a hard one. My X and I separated once before when we had a 4yo and 1.5yo. During our six month separation we did pretty much a 50/50 split and I had overnights. But I think a lot of that had to do with my parental involvement prior to the separation.<p>But with a little more wisdom I don't think that was probably best for that young of a child. So I commend you on realizing that and wanting to gradually work towards that goal. I guess I would start with some over nights right now (only one night at a time) and then by the age of 4 or 5 have all the visit overnight.<p>One thing to keep in mind is you don't need to get all worked up over the magical 50% number rather make sure your time is quality time. That was real hard for me because if you do the math I am scheduled to have my girls 43% of the time and I WANTED 50%. I settled out of court for my arrangement and not one month has went by where I didn't have my girls more that 50% of the time due to my x's lifestyle choices.<p>Best of luck to you!!

My H's affair started while I was pregnant...he filed when the baby was 6 mos. I moved out when she was 8mos.<p>Our visitation schedule is as follows...
M-W-F he comes to my house after work 6-7 to bathe her and put her to bed.<p>On either a Sat or Sun he picks her up from 11-6.<p>I just got my FOC papers and they are recommending, although i dont agree, that when she is one (which is in 10 wks) he will have one over night every other week from 11a sat-11a sun.<p>When she is 18 mos he will get 2 over nights 6p Fri-6p Sun. Then the summer of 2003 (she'll be 2.5 he will start getting his summer visitation.<p>I"m not sure I agree to everything FOC is proposing, but I guess I"ll have to see what my lawyer has to say.

Thank you to tmmx, LH and Independent,<p>I think my W would be really crushed by even one night away from our daughter. I was very involved prior to the separation and I see the baby at least 4 evening a week - often 6. My W is still breast-feeding which I approve of, but probably it will not go beyond 18 months. Dr's recommend keeping it up for at least a year and we are past that point now. She (the baby) can drink regular milk from an open cup now. (If we watch and keep her from spilling.) Nursing is more of a comfort thing. Baby still doesn't sleep through the night and nurses at maybe 1am and 5am. At 9 months, her Doc said this is unneccesary, and recommended discontinuing this and trying to get her to sleep through. We have a one year checkup next week and I will raise the question again. Probably I should tell him that we are separated and divorce is likely.<p>I am surprised and encouraged that overnights could start so soon. Maybe I should get the ball rolling on the D just so I can get some pressure on W to start the overnights. She was reading Dr. T. Berry Brazelton's books and he is very conservative about time away from the "primary caregiver".<p>W just called while I was writing this and we had a long conversation about this. It's really hard for her to imagine being away from the baby for even one night right now. Well, she'll have to start imagining.<p>-AD

Thanks for everyone's comments.<p>Moving day was yesterday (Wednesday) and we signed a paper, drawn up by us, agreeing to Bill's schedule except that the first Sunday is not an overnight. I am to have them back to Mom's by 9 p.m., probably earlier given their ages. She stated a concern that the kids should be "in their own beds" as much as possible on school nights. So I have 5 overnights every 2 weeks.<p>Yes, I was hung up on the magical 50% but this is okay. My wife, as a SAHM, thought I was trying to punish her by asking for 50%. So it seemed like the best thing to do it this way.<p>We are still thinking about holidays and birthdays. This is plan B and I want to limit contact between us.<p>After moving yesterday, I picked up our kids after school and we drove 11 hours to my parent's house. Thanksgiving Day will be at my sister's. This is a nice way, for me at least, to start plan B. The custody rotation starts with Sunday of week 1, when we get back. It will be after 9 p.m. but they have off school Monday, so it's okay.<p>I'm going to try and read Mom's House, Dad's House while I'm here. Any other recommendations?<p>- Tom

Tom,<p>The only other thing I offer is that you be "rock" for these children to rely upon. If your situation is anything like mine then your X will do things without being able to see the effects it will have on the kids. It's up to you my friend to provide them with stability, pick up the pieces that she lays scattered on the floor, and do all this without your kids being able to see any negative feelings you have for her.<p>Watch your children's behaviour's and try to understand where some of these things come from. I'd like to share a quick story with you.<p>A couple weeks ago my 9yo daughter (Myki) was helping me move into a smaller house. After the divorce I tried to stay in our large house but it was financially impossible. So anyway, her and I are working outside and I can see her frustration. I asked her to do something and she started back talking me. Under normal circumstances I would have sent her some where to calm down and then maybe ground her from something. But on advice from our counsellor I just stopped what I was doing and said "Myki I understand and I love you". You would not believe the conversation and emotion we shared after that.<p>Now go and be their rock.<p>God Speed!

AbandonedDad,<p>As the mother of six children, whom I breastfeed an average of over two years each, I am horrified that anyone would even consider allowing a baby (and a one year old is still a baby), especially a breastfeed baby, away from her primary caregiver overnight. Children should not be taken away from home and left with anyone other than their primary caregiver overnight until they are old enough to discuss it.

Nellie,<p>Thanks for your point of view. We will discuss it with the baby's doctor on Thursday.<p>...and it is my W who took the baby away from her home, not me.<p>I, personally, am horrified (I like your word) by a wife who leaves her husband with whom she has a young baby, to have an affair with another man. This IS a horrifying situation, but we have to make the best of it. My baby is just about the only reason I have left to live. The only thing I have to look forward to is to being a good dad and having a good relationship with my child.<p>-AD

AbandonedDad,<p>I agree that that is horrifying - not to mention very odd as well. I can't imagine how a breastfeeding mother could have enough energy to even think about having an affair, much less want to. <p>I have read that by far the best situation for babies of parents who are not together is for the father to spend time (ie several hours) every single day with the baby. In cases where the baby is too young to spend that length of time without nursing, then the mother should be present as well.

I can't imagine a father who cares about his infant child (still nursing) wanting to take the child away from the mother - for any length of time. Maybe while she gets her hair done - but not for overnight EVER. I had to leave my nursing baby overnight once. I was in REAL MISERY - and the baby cried for the whole time. I had no choice not to leave the baby - I had to have surgery... It was an absolute disaster.<p>50/50 to me does not seem like a stable HOME environment for children. Just MHO - but I would think they need to have one HOME and one place where they visit - two homes just seems a bit out of kelter. Maybe the adults could have an apartment - when it's your night you stay at the house and your wife goes to the apartment - when it's her night she stays at the house and you go to the apartment? Rediculous - no more so than parents expecting their kids to live that way!<p>Sorry - not sure I buy this... But then I don't like divorce either - the fact that I'm in the middle of one and it's not my choice aside... My STBX has been here to visit the kids - very few times. But he's seen them almost as much since he left as he did before he left. He wasn't interested. It's your divorce -- not the kids - don't make it inconvenient for the kids.<p>Jan

I love LH's plan of every 3 days or so - my H (can't quite call him stbx - even though he has filed and we are hashing out an agreement) and I will probably adapt something along these lines.<p>Our kids are 11, 9 and 5. I agree with Jan (and others) that splitting time and moving back and forth from house to house stinks. The whole thing stinks. I can't really speak to the nursing baby idea - I would think overnights may not work just yet in that scenario. But, in our case I can't imagine that the kids have one home they live in and one home they visit. That would mean they have one full time parent and one part time parent. NO NO NO! Not for me.<p>They still get to have 2 full time parents. A divorce does not have to mean that they will lose their family. We will always be a family - even H and I because we have the gift of these 3 people that we share. They weren't a gift just to me or just to him, but to both. <p>I am not choosing this divorce -he is. I am the one leaving the house though. It is going to be hard and it is going to be painful, but one of us dropping out of the kid's lives is not the answer. <p>Just my .02

My opinion: worth less than 1 cent<p>The younger they are, the less time away from mom,
the older they are, the more time with the father, up to 50-50 when they are late teenagers.<p>Have i seen this done? yes, two weeks with one parent, two weeks with the other parent near the end.<p>does it take two reasonable parents? yes<p>does it take two responsible parents? yes<p>does it take two healthy parents? yes.<p>does it takes living in the same town? yes<p>does it take similar living conditions? yes.<p>good luck.

Thanks for all the interesting replies. My kids have been great and they are bringing me handmade presents each time they come. No cable TV here so we do a lot of the more traditional family activities. We all sleep on the floor, on air mattresses, in the same bedroom and that's nice, too. At some point it will be less of an adventure and I'll have to get more actual furniture [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My wife has been asking them questions about the place, and conveying her financial uncertainties to them. I mean, she had them wondering whether they'd still get their weekly $1 allowances. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] So I've explained that their needs will be provided for, but they can't be wasteful and will be eating out less. They all want me to come back, and I've explained that I also want to come back but it's also up to Mommy. But generally we just try to have some fun, deal with schoolwork, and some daily chores. I even dragged the 2 boys to a laundromat with me, while daughter was at a birthday party. I had forgotten how much hassle it is, having to use a laundromat.<p>The 5 overnights out of 14 is actually just about right, at the moment. I work at home, telecommuting software developer and engineering consultant. The school days they are here, end up being half-days of work so far. But over a month or so, I think I will be able to set a groove and will be able to handle more overnights.<p>WFITT mentioned that living standards have to be comparable over the long term, and I can see that. But one of the things that strikes me, is that my wife might end up with the house and more than half the net income, notwithstanding her infidelities. Hardly seems fair. Hearing my wife say "I only want what's best for the kids", when she's really looking out for her own interests, doesn't seem to make it any better. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Tom