I said in a the first post since my divorce being final that I would begin writing about observations I have made and I'd like to start now.<p>First let me say that this board has and continues to help me each and every day. However, things have changed for me. I now find that I am trying to help others more than myself. In doing so I really believe that way down deep I'm helping myself. Why? You ask? Because I am "A Good Man In Texas" Yehawww!!! HeHeHe.
Man, I love my handle. But its true, for I am a good man. And people see it. <p>But enough jabbering and patting myself on the back. Now for the deep stuff.<p>As all of us that have been on this board that know me remember that when I started I've always tried to be as open and honest as possible and my first observation was/is one from the past. I ask myself what was it that turned it around for me and allowed me to take control of the things in my life, so I could move forward. I find 2 things. <p>1.) The very monent in time when I realized that my X didn't love me. The years of torment, resentment, sometimes hatered, and dashed hope all made sense. It was the first ephany (sp?).<p>This observation gave ME, the PERSONAL Strength to let go. It had nothing to do with anything other than ME. I feel this was an important step in my growth <p>2.) The day I wrote the post "In the continueing search for hope".
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=003328<p>That one was mind expanding for me. So much so that I couldn't write any other in search of topic. The hope topic drained me.. <p>Now I can say that the candles light is now a roaring fire. As a matter of fact I just had to take my sweater off, its to dang hot in here. <p>I need to come back to this post. Going to Hooters for lunch. DAooooo, to much visual..
I'll post more when I gat back.<p>Tex.

I've set here 15Mins. and after that lunch its hard to maintain a train of thought. Snicker, snicker.. ;-)<p>Anyway. I think that these were the primary things that got it turned around for me. <p>You do need to talk about it.
You can't keep it inside.
Even if it is the most painful thing in the whole of your being you need to let it out. I think things like this get easier to deal with when brought out to the light of exposure. You begin to hear things that aren't just the echo of your own voice in a cave/canyon. You start to listen and you really HEAR what is being said. I think your then start to use the info in a manner that is unique to you and only you. Each of us are different in the way we each deal with issues. There is only the commonality of the problems at hand.<p>While at lunch A buddy of mine starts talking about his wife and how he loses control and it all comes flooding back to me. I see his problem absolutly and completely, right down to predicting what the next words out of his mouth are/is going to be. I give the MB web page address. <p>Do I still need help? Yes. However, I find that the journey NOW is part of the fun of life. Will there be bad time ahead? Yes. However, I have there are a few more tools at my disposal to help me deal with the storms ahead. <p>God, How I love life. If there was a wish I could give each and every one of you is the feeling I have right this very moment. The cleanness, the brightness, the purity of the sense of hope, excitement, faith, and harmony with life that I am experiencing right this very instant.. WOW, It IS a real natural high. I can only compair it to the birth of my child. Seeing this new life in front of me. When you think about it they are very much simmular. I have a whole new life in front of me. The leaning, the new loves, the mistakes I'm going to make, the hearts I'm going to break(meant in a good way), the things I can and am going to do. <p>Please Lord Jesus let me feel like this forever.<p>Smoke Break.
Back in a second.<p>Tex.<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: AgoodManInTexas ]</p>

Man, Talk about wearing a good attitude on your sleeve..<p>I just got invited to Thanksgiving dinner by a lady that without question trips my trigger..<p>I think I've said enough for today. <p>Please feel free to respond. <p>Tex.<p>P.S. Dara, please come back.. We miss you.

Wrong, there, cowboy!<p>It's those tobacco things that are the smokers.
You're the sucker. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

WOW! Did I need to read your stuff today (see my post "I'm So Scared of Divorcing." You make it sound (almost) like a party. I read your Hope post as well. What a writer you are! Thanks so much. I know that one day (I pray) I will have the same attitude as you. Unfortunately for me it's too new, too shocking, too "not what I really want" at this point. Thanks again,<p>MOM

when you do good things you feel good things in your life, good things start to happen and you begin to attract other good people. I hear what you are saying and I am on the same path. I never thought it possible but I have met the most wonderful lady, it scares me at time because I keep waiting for her to turn into my ex, but this woman never stop giving and building me up. My ex made me feel so worthless and usless, wow what a feeling this new woman gives me and like you I pray that I never wake up from what I am feeling now. It is funny what a difference a year can make and staying focused on your own healing. Keep up the good work for yourself. You have come along way.

Tex - thanks for postin this; it's good to get info from the "other side".<p> And find out there may be life after all.<p>
Dan

WOOO HOOO good for you im actua;;y PROUD of you and i dunno you from a fence post [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>my friend is finally seeking the "ear" from a proffessional and OMG i hope he sees things as you have [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] you make the pain and fright sound worth going thru YEEEHA for you !!!!!

one question i have to ask..how did you or DID you get past the pain of leaving your child full time?<p>i ask for the friend now seeking an "ear" its his stumbling block....any help?

Wow, That probably incurred the least amount of pain, in the overall sense of the word.<p>1st. When all this cr@p really started happening for me, I had a buddy that had gone through it a long time ago.. I remember when his daughter was 12 and wanted to babysit for us. But I digress. He had been divirced and almost 8 years and he said to me a rather shocking at the time statement. "When you divorce your wife, to a certain extent you will be divorcing your daughter". When he said it I had to sit down and take a breath. It would hurt, I thought. <p>What it FORCED me to do was PAY ATTENTION, to what she was doing and how I was interfacing w/ her.<p>2nd. I, Me, Myself, realized that the relationship I was having w/ my Now X, was effecting in a negative way my daughter. After we seperated I noticed my D coming over to my house and I was constantly getting mad at her.. I then figured something out. She was acting just like my then wife. So, I wasn't piss#d off at my daughter, I was mad at the X and the way my daughter was trying (God Bless her) fill my needs by replacing my wife. She can't, as she doesn't have the skill set.(Does this make sense) At that very moment I put her in the truck and took her home to mommy. I got the X outside and asked her if when she gets home do you get ticked at her? She said YES!!.. I then told her (the X) that I wanted my daughter to have the chance to be a child. That I didn't want her to replace you at my house, nor me at your house. And If I had to move out of state I would to save my daughter.. (Fyi: I didn't have to ;-) )<p>Armer w/ this new information I was able to seperate the two personalities, My X's and My daughters. <p>I now have a working relationship w/ the X and a loving relationship w/ my daughter.. <p>Yes she still gets on my nerves but heck which 10Yo doesn't.. <p>I know this,, There is more of me in my daughter than my X. Yes the X has custody but I observe how they interact and I can make some grand predictions about the two of them..<p>My daughter plays football w/ the boys and can knock a bunch of them on their butts.. My daughter loves to go camping/fishing/hunting w/ me. And when she is w/ ME, I don't see the X, I see my daughter.. They are 2 different people. <p>We now have long talks about stuff. Just stuff. One thing she did say is that she likes it now that mommy and daddy aren't arguing anymore. <p>So the shocking statement my buddy told me in the beginning is only partially true. But,, it did allow me to focus and observe the relationship between both myself and now X, and me and my forever daughter. I only divorced my D from the standpoint of time. That's all.. <p>She will be my daughter FOREVER. <p>Tex.. <p>I hope I answered your question. I wish I could put it in a botle. I think it was really the Ez'est part..

Bless you, Tex. You are very wise, wise man. It's easy to predict that you'll always have a very good relationship with your daughter. She's a very lucky little girl!!

Okay, Tex. You asked for it…you got it. Here's my thought:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>First let me say that this board has and continues to help me each and every day. However, things have changed for me. I now find that I am trying to help others more than myself. In doing so I really believe that way down deep I'm helping myself. Why? You ask? Because I am "A Good Man In Texas" Yehawww!!! HeHeHe. Man, I love my handle. But its true, for I am a good man. And people see it. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I couldn't agree with you more. Yes, there are times when I still need the comfort and reassurance of my friends, but most of my real friends are email friends now and not necessarily on the D/D forum at this time. Of course, there are still folks here that I care about, but for the most part, I remember the desperation of feeling like my world had just fallen apart, and so I try to help the new folks or the folks who are slipping down the list with only one reply. And you know what, Tex? WE know you are a Good Man too-known it all along. YOU just had to start to believe it!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>As all of us that have been on this board that know me remember that when I started I've always tried to be as open and honest as possible and my first observation was/is one from the past. I ask myself what was it that turned it around for me and allowed me to take control of the things in my life, so I could move forward.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I find it interesting that you started your observations in the past, but my guess is that you HAD to start somewhere, so you did it chronologically. I love your question, though, because I'm sure SO MANY people here are wondering that exact thing…what is the magic ingredient that will turn me around and allow me to take back my life? You are very wise, in a Yeehaw kind of way.<p>Here are the two things that you found: <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>1.) The very moment in time when I realized that my X didn't love me. The years of torment, resentment, sometimes hatred, and dashed hope all made sense. It was the first epiphany. This observation gave ME, the PERSONAL Strength to let go. It had nothing to do with anything other than ME. I feel this was an important step in my growth.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, I have to congratulate you and pat you on the back for that one. Many folks never ever get beyond this one because they are unwilling or unable to let go of the illusion that their spouse loved them. Some will carry on for quite a while in the unrealistic idea that their spouse still has their best interests at heart and will be "fair"-heck, it's nothing personal, but their spouses are only looking out for themselves!! The minute you accept in your heart that YOU are the only one looking out for you, and your spouse will do everything they can to look out for themselves, the quicker you can heal.<p>On a personal note, Tex, I'd have to say that you are even a little bit ahead of me on this one. I still want to hold on to the dream that my spouse cares for me and has MY best interests in mind; however, as you continue to remind me, even though we are still together-that does not necessarily mean that he isn't thinking of only himself. I need you to keep reminding me of that now and then, okay?? {{Tex}}<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>2.) The day I wrote the post "In the continuing search for hope". http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=003328 That one was mind expanding for me. So much so that I couldn't write any other in search of topic. The hope topic drained me. Now I can say that the candle's light is now a roaring fire. As a matter of fact I just had to take my sweater off, it's too dang hot in here.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>(Big old smile) Oh, Tex, I remember that post so well. WHAT A POST!!! I'm not sure how you did it, but the spirit moved you that day, didn't it?? You were so eloquent and the candle illustration was nothing short of PERFECT. I can see how writing that post would change your life and your perspective of EVERYTHING.<p>In your next post on this topic, you wrote: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> Anyway. I think that these were the primary things that got it turned around for me:<p> You do need to talk about it.
You can't keep it inside. <p>Even if it is the most painful thing in the whole of your being, you need to let it out. I think things like this get easier to deal with when brought out to the light of exposure. You begin to hear things that aren't just the echo of your own voice in a cave/canyon. You start to listen and you really HEAR what is being said. I think your then start to use the info in a manner that is unique to you and only you. Each of us is different in the way we each deal with issues. There is only the commonality of the problems at hand.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>AMEN BROTHER-testify!! I have so many friends right now who have cried and who have felt sad and rejected, but the REAL, DEEP DOWN stuff, they are afraid to let out. I think most people think, "If I let this out, I will lose control," or "…people will think I am horrible for feeling like that," or "…I'm full of so much hate and I'm not supposed to be that way." Yeah, they have cried and felt sad and felt rejected alone-or maybe with a small, selected group a little bit-but exposing it ALL to one other person??? OUCH-too much!! <p>I firmly believe that somewhere, somehow we need to find someone that we trust and let them know it all-ALL OF IT! Maybe a counselor-maybe a best friend-or maybe just a pen pal, but somehow it had GOT to be brought to the light of day, otherwise we just get STUCK there and can't move any further forward in our healing process. <p>Oh, it's painful. There's NO DOUBT!! It feels like your heart is being ripped right out of your chest, but once you start to let it out, and then you hear that you AREN'T nuts, and you ARE a wonderful person, well…the healing can begin. Your heart may feel empty, but now there is room to fill it. If you keep it in, it will stay filled with anger and hate and bitterness and revenge.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Do I still need help? Yes. However, I find that the journey NOW is part of the fun of life. Will there be bad time ahead? Yes. However, I have there are a few more tools at my disposal to help me deal with the storms ahead.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Once again, amen brother-testify!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I used to feel like the lows in the rollercoaster were SOOooo low, and the highs couldn't be trusted…and I used to think that my goal was to get to a point where the ride at least "evened out" and wasn't so wildly low and high. Now I realize that my goal is not to have continual HIGH, but to ride the ride!! When I am low, accept it and allow myself to be low-and when I am high, accept that too and enjoy it!! But it's the ride that is life. <p>Finally, you wrote: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>God, How I love life. If there was a wish I could give each and every one of you is the feeling I have right this very moment. The cleanness, the brightness, the purity of the sense of hope, excitement, faith, and harmony with life that I am experiencing right this very instant. WOW, It IS a real natural high. I can only compare it to the birth of my child. Seeing this new life in front of me. When you think about it they are very much similar. I have a whole new life in front of me. The learning, the new loves, the mistakes I'm going to make, the hearts I'm going to break (meant in a good way), the things I can and am going to do.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I wish that your feeling could be bottled too. I'm so happy for you, Tex, and I can't tell you how proud I am of you! How about a congratulations hug?? {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tex}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>
CJ