This is like a bad nightmare. I keep hoping I'll wake up and it won't be happening. Search for me in GQII to get more of my story. Basically, my H moved out in March, 01, to "start over" on our M. In May I found out he had started over with someone new. Since then, I've been waiting to forgive, Plan A'ing to the best of my ability, working on my part of the reason for the breakdown of our M. My H moved back in in July. Contact and lies continued. Finally on 9/22, I made him leave again. He sent 3rd "no contact" letter and this time supposedly meant it. I told him that we needed to stay apart so I could start to trust that it was really over. Well he came home on 10/27 (I did catch him in contact 1 more time). My issue was anger. I would get angry and express it abusively (verbally). I have really been working hard on it, and I know that my kids have seen great changes in me. However, the night of November 4 I was out with an old, old friend of mine. She told me something about my H that happened 12 years ago. At my friend's wedding reception, my H supposedly asked another friend of hers out. This was 12 years ago, I know, but it was like a PUNCH in the stomach to me. So, what do I do? I get home and confront him, screaming at him to tell me the GD truth. When he said "I don't even remember what you're talking about." He continued to deny it. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and wanted a D. Well, after me waiting and trying for the past 8 months, my H says to me "fine, I'm done." He meant it. We are now selling our home (neither of us can afford the house alone), moving to separate apartments and moving on with our lives (apart) [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . No amount of talking and trying to reason with him could change his mind.<p>I'm still numb. In all the past few months, I never once thought that this would be the outcome for me and my H.<p>How do I make it through without anymore begging, pleading, etc.??? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MOM

stay focused on healing yourself and developing a better life for yourself, let what ever he does run its course, no matter what the out come you will be a better person, you have no control over him and can not change him in anyway. You can only improve yourself.

Hi Myownme,<p>I agree with jabber. I couldn't believe my XH's actions and what little control I had over the course of events. <p>You must just concentrate on YOU and make the most of what you do and what you have control over. <p>I do know how tough it is, and the feeling that you just won't make it through.... but you WILL get through it, that I promise [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I will keep in my prayers
Petrie

Thanks Jabber and Petrie,
Trying to focus on myself has been tough (I'm a "saver" type of person). I have focused the whole M on my H's needs, so working on mine is going to be tough. I appreciate reading of people's successes despite getting divorced. It's so hard to think of my life without him in it. You're right though, I WILL get through it. Thanks again!<p>MOM

Hi MOM,
I have read a little of your history. I am usually on the emotional needs board, but do not post too much. When I read your title it brought back all kinds of memories for me.. scary ones.
I am divorced to my first H we were married for 18 years ( lived apart for the last 3). I was terrified about getting the divorce. Though we lived apart he financially supported me completely so that I could continue to raise our children (activities, private school etc..)the separation was not scary....the thought of divorce was. There was a security about being "married"...or "taken" no hassles. our marriage really had been over for years. My XH had a 2 year affair that I frankly could never look at him in the same light again. I did not consider him my friend anymore..it was too much for me..he begged me to stay in the marriage, and he traveled for a living so it was a marriage of convience for me, and frankly I was terrified of being a single mom..it is not what I wanted for my kids..and that was the bottom line...it was all about my kids...thats were the fear came in. I knew I would be fine,..I wanted my kids to be whole. Well we finally divorced, and it was him trying to manipulate my eldest ...he was a BIG time HS jock, being recuited by many colleges, my XH wanted him to move with him to play his last 2 HS years, my son wanted to stay..XH cut his tutition to his school...but also cut my younger DD also (***hole)..so being the resouceful woman that I am I went back to work...of course XH was mad (could not control the situation). but that was the beginning of the end. Worked with my X fiance' by acceident....did not know he was there...come to find out...he never got over me. Now mind you I had been separted for 3 years..but did not date ( XH, never stopped dating for 18 yeas)...I had male friends..but did not cross any lines ..I was scared. well long story short..I am now married to the man I was engaged too before my first H...and everyone is happy (even my two older kids)..My XH and I hardly ever fought, but kids knew (most kids do) that our marriage was long done..in fact the year I divorced/ remarried... my Older son..set all kind of HS records..at his HS and county..got a ton of offers..took one, and now is looking at law schools. My daughter, is looking at nursing schools. and we have a baby which both kids adore.
I guess the point of my post is...No one wants a divorce, but then no one wants to be unhappy....my kids knew I was very unhappy, to a point I was physically ill alot. I could not stay healthy. They were at a point were they were taking care of me...cuz mommy was sick. well I have not even had a cold in 5 years...and I have worked directly with sick people, and I have taken care of my family when they get cold..etc..
Nothing, is worth that emotional toll a bad marriage can do to you. and to make a marriage that has gone bad good..BOTH have to participate..if not it is not going to work, unless you give up part of your soul, which is what I did..I did not like what became of me...
MOM..Your H has told you what he wants..first thing you need to do is back up..and find YOU..forget him..the marriage ..get YOU BACK..that is where you will find your strengh..you will be strong for you and your kids, and you will be able to move forward...you maybe surprised...your H will probably come begging back...there is nothing sexier than a strong, lovely woman (so my XH told me)...then YOU can decide wether you want him back...Good luck..I wish you the best

(((MrsDoc.))) Big HUGS and THANKS to you. I hope you stay online today long enough to read this. I cannot thank you enough. Your words encourage and strengthen me. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, but it sounds as if it has made you so much stronger. I hope to be stronger too as a result of all of this turmoil. I just don't know what to say, except I plan to print out your response and take it out on days when I'm feeling scared, lonely, sad. I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving!!<p>MOM

Take one day at a time. It is so hard, I'm separated for one year and I have to file the papers myself. Try therapy, talking to friends and family and saving 30-60 minutes per day for yourself. Cry, laugh, scream, write in a journal, go walking, go to the gym or spa if you can, go to a movie, matinee , whatever helps you to feel. Don't pretend that nothing is happening. Time does not heal, it helps things hurt less. Good luck! Ms. T [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

thank you this i have always KNOWN kids DO knwo even if you put on a happy face for them...<p>i love to hear people admit it so many stay "for the kids " and that is just not right for ANYONE if you stay you stay for the MARRIAGE and because there is something left of it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

(((MOM)))<p>I'm Still hoping.<p>Kev