Don't usually post here, but am hearing this type of stuff and wanted to know if anyone could help me with this mindset.<p>My W, BS turned WS, is still living at home, but threatening to divorce. Says she doesn't love me and just wants out. She's going so far as to look up new places to live on the net, craigslist and stuff, even calling, getting prices and I assume going to check them out.<p>We are going to counseling, both Christians, but nothing seems to be working for her. I'm doing great and am fully committed to this marriage at all costs.<p>One of things she has echoed consistently, is that a divorce doesn't mean that we can't get back together later. That she isn't closing the door to that possiblity. Does anyone actually believe this could be a good thing? I don't know that's why I ask. I know it takes both of us to work this out, but how could this be a form of recovery? Anyone?

I could be waaaaaaaaaay off base, but when I read your post the first thing that went thru my mind is that your wife is desperate to get you to understand how serious she is about whatever issues she has.<p>I realize that you are fully committed to your marriage, but it sounds like she doesn't feel that you are hearing her.

This would be an accurate statement BR...
The difference here is that I know she is serious, I also know the issue that has been broken (trust). She doesn't believe it can ever be repaired, the reason I am working like mad to show a difference, by my actions, not my words.

ok, but are your actions the actions SHE needs?<p>Do you know what she needs? Have you asked?<p>Doing what you think she should need or only what you need, instead of what she says she needs could be part of the problem.<p>Nothing makes me crazier than my H discounting what I tell him I need, and doing what he thinks is appropriate instead.

I am currently divorced for about a month now.....we actually are getting along better than in a long while.......and now even tell each other we love each other...and talk about trying to start over. I am not sure if talking about getting back together just makes it easier...or if we rreally both beleive it.<p>In retrospect, I wish we would have separated when we had problems. I do believe being apart was a requirement to get where we are now. We needed to grow and experience the separation to heal. That being said, we still have our problems, but we have reached a point where we both want to try again, to be together.......where before....it was always one or the other.....I have finally woke up myself....and ready to take a chance with her again......<p>If for whatever reason, we never make it .......I think this process has helped us heal.......becoming better people and parents......and I think we both realize that our lives will always be intertwinded regardless if it is only platonically.

i can only speak for myself here...when i divorced my H it was forever as a H...still friends tho too many years to not be....<p>too much trust was lost to ever love him as a H again..i couldnt even IMAGINE being intimate with him now ...not even a polite kiss...<p>i would have to say for me definatley NOT<p>but im not your wife<p>could she be saying that so you will let her go?

May I offer another perspective?<p>My WH and I are in recovery and doing well. We are not "officially" living together though he's been mostly staying here at my place for the past two months, partly because of recent surgery, but mainly because we just want to be together. I'm not yet certain that we WILL be together under the same roof again as husband and wife. I'm taking it VERY slow, not only for myself but also because I don't want to subject my kids to a "revolving door" reunion. I want to be as sure as the day that I first married him that it was meant to be. <p>I also have every intention of divorcing him. Why? Because that marriage, the one in which he withdrew, abandoned me and our children emotionally and was only at home to sleep and pay bills -- ichh! -- and ultimately betrayed me and my trust, that marriage is OVER. I want out of that binding agreement. I kept my vows, he chose not to. Whatever his reasons, whatever the causes and whatever it is he was going through at the time, those are still the facts and that contract is null and void as far as I can tell. <p>If we're going to do this together then I demand a new contract, with the added rider stating that is he choses to do this to us again, he's paying for divorce #2, and it will be final with no possibility of reconcilliation. Love is one thing, being somebodies patsy is entirely another. And yes, I'm serious about the contract part. <p>I want a fresh start, I want new promises, new vows. The old ones mean nothing now. That old marriage dissipated on Dday#1. If I can demonstrate enough faith to give him another try in spite of it all, he will have to muster up the faith to believe that I will marry him again.<p>Hope this helps.<p>Snow

Thank you Snow...
That does help me a bit. Doesn't make me feel any better but helps. <p>Now since you never had an affair, do you think that it changes things a bit since she did. The idea that you got me now I get you...I had one and she came out and had one. Not that its tit for tat, but doesn't the idea of reconciliation, knowing that the marriage we had is over and starting new...can't that be done without a divorce. It seems to me that your marriage too died, but remember, the only place that you can have a resurrection is in a graveyard! I'm just saying that I wonder, if there is even a slight ember still glowing, that it cannot be fanned into a flame. <p>You mentioned wanting a new contract...isn't that understood Snow. Obviously your husband knows that. But does is the contract really in that piece of paper?<p>Your words help me, because in them, I am seeing some glimpses of what my wife might be going through. I guess the question is...if your husband, like me, is doing everything to change himself, for himself/you/your children...and you still choose to leave, what is he/me left to think. That our work was for naught...that you can't forgive, that you will hold this power in your hand. He loves you, as I love my wife. The marriage we had was over on D-day...it was over again when she had an affair...but our recovery doesn't have to start with a new contract, rather a new state of mind...besides, its a three way deal, and in the eyes of the third party, God, the old contract still stands.

May I recommend a good book called Should I Stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Rafell... here's the link (just click [ http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...sr=8- 1/ref=sr_8_3_1/002-3849613-4333604 here]).
It's a time of up to six months doing nothing towards divorce nor reconciliation but gives a structured time with agreed upon goals/principles. After the end of the time, you then come together again to decide how it's going. <p>I can relate to what you are saying and what your wife is saying as I'm living in a duplex separated from my H. He needed the sense of independence and autonomy and control of his own life (he felt controlled by me). And we know that we'll be intertwined always because of our three kids... meanwhile, it WAS a wake up call for me and I've been working at myself and my issues for about two years now... our relationship has fundamentally changed. I don't know if we'll make it but I'm happier having gone through this painful time for what I've learned about God, my H and myself. So, take it slow... don't expect that just because you're making changes things will turn-around. There are consequences of behavior and treatment. Plan A will make you a better person and you have to work at making sure the changes you're making are sustainable and NOT with the expectation that you're going to win your spouse back.<p>Take care and ALL the best... pour your heart out here, read as much as you can!<p>Warmly,
Nicole<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</p>