Rob,<BR>sounds like things are going in a positive way for you,can I get nosey again for a minute? you said that you dont drink when you are apart, and this is part of why you sepprated in the first place, why do you do it when you are home? please dont take offence but,is there alcoholism in your family? Even if it is as far back a a grandfather, even without a family history of the disease you could still have it, my family has a strong history so I have fought to seldom take a drink,but when I did the most damage to my marrage I had been drinking.I am glad you and youe W have started talking thats a start.with me it seems I talk and my H sits there on the phone like a not on a log. but in two weeks I'll have him here in front of me and he'll have to look at me when I'm talking not the tv <BR>but dont push alot of "tougher" time just yet I mean you can still talk and everything but unless she ask dont go overthere every night,but it never hurts to ask, if she says no leave it at that dont ask why? we had such a good time last weekend. but it sounds like you had a great tim this weekend. I wish you many more.<P><BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

LMS,<BR> The drinking was a problem for both of us. We both have alcoholics in our families. Her uncle recently died at 41 from chronic drinking. Her father drinks "regularily". My father and mother quit 17 years ago. My wife and I were partiers before and after we met. She slowed down after the boys, but when she drank, she got drunk. I did the same. We both tried to quit together, but as soon as one of us would stop the other would want to go to a party. At that point, there would be an argument and trouble. However, it seems that when we seperate I have no desire whatsoever to drink, I become active, I do the things I enjoy - golf, reading/writing, basketball, jock stuff! Anyway, she seems to go the opposite direction - WIDE OPEN. However, this time she seems to have not done that. She still drinks when I have the kids, but I believe she really doesnt want to. We just finished lunch. She said she wants us to go to church as a family. We will be going this Wednesday. I, too think it is a good starting point. Now for the father (hers) stuff. He knows nothing of our conversations and direction. He wants her to wash hers hands of me and divorce. He does not know the whole picture because my wife has always painted it like this - HER=angel, ME=SATAN INCARNATE! she is going to see him this weekend and explain to him that it is not that way. She admitted being afraid (he has $$$$) of him disowning her mentally and financially. She did say however, that she will choose the direction for her life and would not choose between us. Unfortunately, I believe she will have to if what he has been saying is true. That scares me. She has also stated she wants us to start seeing each other on a more regular basis and get counseling. I took that to be good. But this weekend thing has me really scared.<BR> Anyway, enough about me. How are you holding up? How long have you been seperated/divorced? Has he always been this closed off? Is it too much to ask about the circumstances? What happened? <BR>rob

Rob,<BR>that sounds great, I am so happy for you,and your family.<BR>as for my situation,well...almost seven years ago,while my husband was in Germany(we are millitary)A friend fo his and I got togher one night and was drinking well I dont think I have to say any more about that night.I told him a year later. Any way we got through it (I thought) and had a little girl,and lost another at 4 months. we moved to alaska and were getting along great, we were almost like the cleavers with our little family, we hardly ever fought. then one night when I came home from work(july,13) he told me he didnt love me any more and wanted a divorce. I was crushed,tryed and failed the most stupidest thing in my life. and then decided to show him how much I do love him,, I gave him what he wanted, I left my home and came to missouri to live with my folks,kids in tow.that was almost four months ago...we talk on the phone every three days for a few hours, he is comming to visit on the 22 and I hope we can get something worked out but I try not to hold my breath.he says he still cares for me and will always love me as the mother of his children and he wants to remain like we were best friends, but its hard to be friends with someone you love.so I am here just waiting ...and every night we dont talk I write him letting him know how I feel how I wish he would...not appolagize cuz he did what he thought was right...I just want to go home.<BR>but I remain ever hopeful and will wait for him for now I know how it feels to loose you soul mate.<BR>well,thats me in a nut shell,big nutshell but anyway, any male input would be greatly appreciated.<P>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Molly where are you?<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

LMS,<BR>I am sorry about your situation. I will keep praying for you and your hsuband daily.<BR>If there is one thing I know, God can work<BR>miracles if we seek Him and ask.<BR>God has been really working in my marriage. My wife and I had a really good talk this past Saturday after I dropped off the kids. She cried in my arms. She now realizes that we BOTH are responsible for this disaster and we are both responsible for making it work. She burst out crying when I asked if whe loved me. She said "yes". Later that evening as I was driving home, I called and asked if she and the children wanted to have dinner. She excitedly said "I was thinking the same thing!" We had a glorious evening as a family. This past Monday we had lunch and talked some more. She said she began to jot down the ways I had hurt her and while doing so she realized she had done many of the same things. She stated that she had NOT told her father that we were talking and working towards reconcilitation and counseling (she said she was open to this). She is afraid that he will disown her both mentally and financially. She also said that he doesnt know the whole story (a first time admission for her) and that she was going to see him this weekend in North Carolina to tell him what was REALLY going on. We are also going to start going to church together as a family (her idea) and it starts tonight! My heart is so burdened for her and her relationship with her dad. He is not a christian and doesnt understand our perspective. Anyway, she wants to starting doing more together as a couple (dating, how exciting!) and a family. I am, however, concerned for her trip this weekend. Her father can be very persuasive and I am afraid he may try and manipulate her by hammering home the bad aspects of our marriage. Any advice,etc?<BR>rob

Rob I am so happy for you<BR>about her trip, go with her stand up to him with her trust me when a girl stands up to her dad she needs a hand to hold, I stood up to mine when I got home, I kept getting the I told you so's I told him it was my life and I had the choice of who to live it with,even though I knew he loved me that it was my life. I felt like hideing when the words started comming out I wished my H had been here to stand by me and hold my hand when he seen I was starting to back down but I had to do it myself. Not a good feeling!!<BR>so if you can go wih her I'm sure she would be happy for the help even if you just hold her hand and dont say a word if he sees you two in front of him as a couple he may be the one to back down.<BR>sorry I cant help more.<P>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<P><p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited November 10, 1999).]

Hey Lesa<P>It's me MOLLY!!!! D)<P>Want to smile?<BR>Picture this!!!!!<P>I went out and bought the MOST to DIE FOR BLACK DRESS!!! BACKLESS AND FORM FITTING!!!<BR>But Alas I had to return it!!!<BR>IT WAS TOO BIG.........Size 8.....TOO BIG!!!!<BR>In June I wore size 16.<BR>I just returned my dress and got it in SIZE 6<P>Let me say that again SIX SIX Holy COW.....Ranch reference there....Did you notice? <P>I'm sorry I haven't written. This is going to sound so blonde. BUT, I would keep coming back to see if you answered my last post Nov 6, every time I saw you hadn't come back. Dummy, I was on page one....you've been going to town talking away to others and I thought you were lost somewhere. I was the lost one. Typical Blonde..reading from the wrong page. <P>From reading your posts to Rob I gather things have not improved much with H.<P>Lesa hon, you know in your heart I wouldn't say anything to hurt you. Please remember that. Start walking forward Lesa. I mean it. Not just say it...do it. Please beleive me Lesa, if it was meant to be, he'll follow.<P>I know others are reading this but really only you will understand.<BR>Remember back....<P>That hellish month of July...We stood on the edge of that cliff hand in hand Lesa. Nights when your ONLY lifeline was a damn computer at 2 in the morning....listening to imfomercials till you wanted to run out and buy EXERCISE in a bottle, for cryng out loud!!!! Maybe getting an hour sleep a night. God forgive us,,,thoughts of suicide making the pain stop. Crying till there was no more tears left then crying some more. Having your heart nearly stop if he so much as smiled at you. Then back to the pits of hell for another wild ride.<BR>Dying by inches!!! Watching helplessly as your whole world blew up. Frantically trying to hold all those fragments of your former life together. Oh if only he would listen. Oh God if only I could say I'm sorry enough. Oh please God let him come back, I'll do it right this time. Please God he didn't mean that he doesn't love me anymore.<BR>I just know that this will end and everything will go back to the way it was.<BR>Remember Lesa? Standing...swaying on the edge of that cliff. Truely scared that you were losing your mind. That any second you were going to blow apart and there was nothing you could do to stop it.<BR>Lesa, I remember vividly writing on this board the first time. I have gone back and read our old posts. It hurts my heart to read them. It's like looking at pure pain.<BR>For each of us this has been a hell of a journey.<BR>Lesa, you say that things haven't changed. But they have!!! You are different. There comes a time when your own survival instincts will come out and you'll see you really are different. Forever changed by this. There is no going back Lesa. I don't mean you can't work it out with him, but I do mean that you can't ever get back what you have already lost. Those horrible words can never be unsaid! "I don't love you anymore" or "I never loved you" NEVER UNSAID LESA.<BR>So what I'm trying to say here is walk forward. Do it now. You'll be absolutely amazed at the results. And whether or not you go forward alone or with Him doesn't matter. Walk...to a better life....find out who Lesa is and how much of her is still intact. There wasn't a whole lot left of ME!! But the most amazing thing happened. Even though there wasn't much left of the real ME, Little things started showing up. Some things about the new me I love, some I like alot...those I cultivate...Then there are the things I don't like so much. Well darn it...I change those. Just that easy.<BR>Poof, I don't like it if I'm defensive. So that was it, I was bound and determined I would not be defensive. Soon I no longer automatically went on the defensive.<BR>But once I started forward, I never went back. I kept slowing down, waiting for him to catch up or at least start moving, but Lesa I kept going. I couldn't stop, to stop is to die. Only you can make you happy. He can't! <P>I don't remember if I told you this but here goes again.<P>After more pain than I ever thought I could bear, I went to church and asked God to help me.<BR>A friend once told me "God never gives us more than we can bear. And that HE will gladly shoulder the burden for us."<P>I asked God to give me the strenghth to let him go. And if it was HIS will that he come back, let it be with only love in his heart, but if not then help me to keep walking.<P>Right after church I went to see H. I said good-bye. I let him go Lesa and in doing so I released myself too.<BR>In the first two months after he left, I would have crawled over glass to get him back...But honest to God Lesa I have absolutely NO IDEA what I'd have done with him if he had of come home.<BR>I NEVER thought I would stand before a judge and calmly blow up my world. I really never thought I'd be there. But in my heart I always knew I would one day be there in court letting him go.<BR>You know whats really sad though. I slowed down and I looked back to see if he would come with me, oh so many times. I once said it would be a sad day when I looked back only occasionally and then would come the day when I could no longer see him in the distance and The new person would not want to backtrack and get him moving. The new person Molly doesn't want to ever go back to trying to be whatever He wanted me to be. I'm me now Lesa. I'm happy being me. I understand what H said about not loving me anymore. He doesn't even know me. How could he? I just found ME.<P>This got alot longer than I wanted. I have to get some sleep.<BR>Hey about ICQ....I have it but can't remember my password or number. Try calling me, to see if you can get through. If you have my number still, e=mail it to me.<P>Still skipping. Skipping is great for the legs too. AND it makes you smile. Psst...so do RED toenails.<BR>Love and Hugs<BR>Molly

Molly,<BR> I know wht you are saying but...molly this just isn't right I cant tell you how I know it it is just a feeling I have. I tryed to get back on the track I was before I left alaska but, I keep getting pulled right back to this point,him. I dont know if it is that its just such a small town but every where I go I am reminded of him , us ,our family. I cant just turn around and start over, I dont want to as bad as I did before. Before I was mad and hurt but, when we talk there is something still there, and I dont think its just wishful thinking, his family sees it to, he askes his mom and dad if I am ok and if I have been keeping my dr appointments, Its just hard to thnk he truly has no feelings for me if he wants to know how I am. but thats not where the feeling that its not righr comes from. shoot I wish I knew where it was comming from.I'm like some silly love struck teen that cant think of any thing. I find my self actualy scribling his name on my note book when I am doing my lessons. Oh molly I am such a basket case, I know you are probably disapointed in what I am saying but hell girl I'm not ready to give up and I have made up my mind not to.I will be home this summer!!!!!! and dont worry I will still keep my pride well whats left any way,no underminded stuff or beging,so dont worry thats not me I'm just going to be me when he gets here on the 22. he dosent have his single friends here to tell him how much fun he can have when you are single, I'll have him on my turf for 20 days and if it dont work well I'll cross that bridge when it comes.<BR>I know you what to hear me saying something diffrent molly but PLEASE beleave me I'm doing what something, is telling me is right. <P>Love Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Oh Lesa<P>I'm so sorry you misunderstood me. I never meant to suggest you give up on him. Or give up on love. I meant only that if you keep standing still Hon, you won't be able to fix what's wrong. It's so hard to explain this. You need to find yourself Lesa. Find that person inside and Love HER. Make her happy. Because if you don't Lesa, someday you will stand here again.<BR>It's so easy to think that everything will be OK if only.....<BR>But it won't Lesa, Where do you go from there? What if he does come back? Or you go home? What then? That's what I mean. What does LESA like? What does Lesa WANT. Who the Hell is LESA? Lesa, NO ONE is ever going to LOVE you like you deserve to be loved until you love you. No one is ever going to make you happy unless you are happy inside.<BR>When he gets there, show him the Lesa you really are. Show him that you CAN live without him, you don't want to, but you can!<BR>That's choosing HIM, NOT needing him! That's choosing to love him, NOT being desperate to save a marriage, a life, a home.<BR>I'm sorry Lesa, I'm not explaining this very well. I know what I want to say but am having trouble getting it out.<BR>Please beleive me, I never meant for you to think I'm disappointed in you. I would never suggest you give up on Him until every last Hope was well and truely dead. YOU know what's right Lesa. You know in your heart what you need to do.<BR>The day I said good-bye to Rick was the hardest thing I have ever done. But Lesa, it was the right thing to do. For ME, it was the right thing to do! That's the key. For ME!!!! I made that choose.<BR>If I had thought that the right thing was to fight on, then by God, I would have crawled over glass to get him back. The point is, it's what YOU know is right for YOU!!!<BR>Go for it girl, It's not over until it's over in your heart. If there is a chance, then take it. And Lesa, know this, I wish you every success!!! I wish for you a Love bigger than anything you've known before.<P>Done being sappy!!!<P>Did you get my ICQ greeting? I got yours. I'll be online Saturday, 12 noon my time. We'll talk then. I've missed you.<BR>Sorry I'm having such a hard time communicating today.<P>Skipping rattles this blonde head! <P>Have to go, "M" will be here soon.....That was a teaser..if you want to know about "M'...better be online!!! <P>Talk to you then<BR>Smile for me<BR>Love and hugs<BR>Molly

molly,<BR>ok I'll try to be on here but tomorrow is the first day of deer season and I was going to go but I'll probably be back by 11 so I'll try to get here and YES I want to hear about M.<BR>thanks for the other I realy do think that fighting is right.<BR>Love Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Like the shades?<BR>That's cause I'm in sunny Florida.<BR>And Happy<P>Now where are you girl?<BR>I've been checking ICQ since yesterday. I missed you when you sent the message to me earlier. My computer shows you are online but can not contact you. It says your ICQ is off.<BR>I'll keep checking every few minutes. Hopefully you'll check ICQ before you get off line.<BR>Still dying to talk to you my friend. What's this teaser about next summer? GOOD NEWS? God I hope so.<P>Love and hugs<BR>Molly

MOLLY,<BR> he comes in monday night 8:30 I get to go pick him up I get to bring him here where he will stay I get to... well you know what we talked about!!!!!!!!<BR>we had such a great talk tonight he was deffenatly being a flurt and he said he has something for me!!!!!!! oh crap I cant wait till monday!!!!!! <P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

NOW THAT WASN'T NICE!!! YOU LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS. HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT? I'M SOOOOOO GLAD FOR YOU. I'LL SAY A PRAYER THAT IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU HON.<BR> TALKING IS GOOD TOO! TALK AND "YOU KNOW" IS PRETTY DAMN GOOD TOO!! <P>yOU BETTER KEEP ME POSTED ON HOW IT'S GOING. I'M HOPING FOR YOU.<P>TAKE CARE<BR>LOVE AND HUGS<BR>MOLLY

Boy no one visites this site any more<BR><P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Molly,<BR>Just a post to let you know that I am still alive and VERY well <BR>Love ya Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Hey Lesa<BR>I do visit this site. I've missed you.<BR>I haven't written because I thought you would be busy with your visitor. Did things go OK? I need details girl!!!!<BR>I have alot to tell you.<BR>If your not busy, try to be online tomorrow at 6:00 PM my time. I miss talking to you my friend.<BR>Love and Hugs<BR>Molly

Molly, <BR>hey girl,sorry I havent been around but I think you know what I am doing and who I'm doing it with . but he leaves sunday and you will have me all to your self again. how are things with you and mike? I hope well.<BR>well I got to run if you need me you still have my #.<BR>love ya <BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

ok now people are going to talk poor LMS she is talking to her self LOL you who molly where are you?????????

I'm right here Silly! <P>Merry Christmas ALL<P>It's Xmas morning. Lesa, this is the first Christmas morning I have spent alone in 25 years. I have dreaded this day for weeks but it's not so bad.<BR> It's really funny though. The first Xmas we were married I spent both Christmas Eve and Day alone because he had duty. After that there was my daughter and from then on both my girls have been home for Christmas.<BR>Now the last year I was married I am again spending it alone. What's wrong with this picture? I need an eraser <BR> I'm getting a little tired of the way people are treating me. It's weird. As the holidays drew nearer I could literally feel the PITY! I think that's part of the reason I'm so bummed this year. This is my favorite time of year and this year I would have been happy to skip it entirely.<BR> I don't even miss him Lesa. Isn't that sad. Today I miss my family. I miss the life I had. The holidays are a big deal with us. It usually starts at Thanksgiving with Dinner and the whole family at my Mother-in-laws, then we would all shop together and work up to Christmas Eve at Cousins Bruce and Sandy. Christmas morning we stayed home and I loved that with my girls. Then Dinner with the whole crowd was at my house Christmas Day. Then we would do New Years at my sister-in-law's house to finish out the year.<BR> This year I was not invited. My girls didn't even participate. That makes me really sad. Ex is being such an A-hole about all this. He won't let go and is even turning my girls away. I don't know what he's thinking!!! Everyday I see the girls getting farther and farther from him. He just continues to live in this dilusional world. He tells them I'm stalking him and trying to bring him down. By the way I have not had any contact with him since October, when the divorce was final. In fact I talked to him and told him I was glad he did it. I asked him to just let this all go and lets be at least civil and get on with life. I have no hard feelings. I want him to find happiness..I truely do. But I think the man has lost his mind. He dreams up these THINGS that I'm supposedly doing and rants and raves. He hides his whereabouts and is soooo paranoid that I will find out. Maybe the man was really a blonde in his other life. It never occurred to him that maybe I've known where he was all along. The internet makes it real easy to find anyone.<BR>He made phone calls to his Bimbo from my phone and all I had to do was type in her number and trace it in reverse. Tada!!! He's still trying to hide the fact that he lives with her, won't even give the girls his address. <BR>I don't even have to stalk him Lesa, he's stalking himself!!!<BR>What's really really sad is. You know the truth of all this is, that if I hadn't married him way back when, I have the horrible feeling that we wouldn't have even been friends. He's not a nice person and I really don't like him much. Ah, wouldn't it be nice to be able to go back and know that back then.....<P>This is beginning to ramble here. And I'm going to be talking to you in a while anyway. Hopefully you won't come to this site until after the holidays. Don't let me depress you. I'l be back to my cheerful self shortly and start making Christmas calls.<P>Again Merry Christmas. And Lesa my toenails are still red! Did I tell you about that?<BR>Update on Mike when we talk later today.<P>For Christmas I wish you a happy heart and all your dreams to come true. I wish for you...all your dragons to be harmless....all your monsters to be toothless....all your fears to be gone....but most of all I wish all your secret wishes to be granted and all the love in the world to be yours.<BR>With all my love my friend and hugs to carry you through the tough times. Skip and paint those toes red my girl. Smile in your heart. <P>Love and hugs<BR>Molly

Now look who's not here Lesa!!!<P>Where are you girl?<P>Just stopped by to see if you ansered.<BR>Love and Hugs<BR>Molly <BR>By the way Florida is sunny but tooooooo cold for me. Burrrrr!<BR>This wimpy Yankee is freezing her butt off!<BR>Later<BR>Love Molly