I seriously need advice from any of you who have gotten back with your ex. The time you were apart, did you ever think you would get back together? My ex and I have been broken up since Jan and divorced since July...he moved to NYC at the end of July and called me a week later saying he loved me, that the divorce was a mistake, etc...we talked until about October and now he says he wants me to leave him alone. He swears he doesnt like anyone else,
but that if he ever had feelings for me he would not accept them. This guy and were best friends before anything and have this connection that neither of us deny. He doesn't even want to be my friend. He said why would he want to talk to me and chance feelings developing. We also have a son together...if that matters. He has expressed to me that he just wants to be by himself.....that he's in a very selfish state right now. Today he said he
doesn't "want" to like me....if he liked someone else he would, but that he doesn't. Please help! I havent seen him since he's been gone, and he probably wont come home to visit until Jan....can not speaking to him help or will it just make him forget about me? Also, anyone who has gotten back, did you know you wanted to get back together all along or did your feelings just change? Also, did they change automatically? Or did you just start
talking or seeing each other and they developed? PLEASE HELP!!!!!
Val

do you want him back? really?<p>sounds like he is sending all kinds of confusing debilatating messages ...for now let him go [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I just keep thinking if I let him go, then all hope will be gone in ever getting back together. How do you know when you are with a person you will get back with and one who you will just stay broken up with???

Unfortunately you think the same way as me.
I say unfortunately cause this thought made me crazy thruout these past two years.
Even now (when OW is pregnant) I think that IF i say NOTHING, IF I leave him in peace, he will be back.
Your H decided to D in a very short time, so I think nothing you make towards him NOT letting go , can make things worst.
Take some time for yourself to fid peace, and for him to see what he lost.
Give him some time alone.<p>Wish you more luck then myself.

Got this from a friend.<p>First off let me say, if you have been with some one for years–some one who has vowed their undying love for you–some one who would jump in front of a moving train to save you...and then one day they think bad thoughts of you, think you're obsessively jealous, or over insecure, or worthless, or needy, or stupid, or fat, or lazy–they have the issues, not you. I don't mean little problems. I mean these people have huge issues! It's not you. You are not any of those things. It's them. <p>Okay, so your ex thinks you're a dirty rotten lying needy insecure cheating brow-beating nagging jealous controlling unappreciative ugly ogre! If they thought you were great the cowards wouldn't be able to muster up the courage to leave you...and when someone has to convince themselves you are all those things to leave you they are a coward. Scared of you. Scared of love. Scared of commitment. Scared of losing their identity. Scared of losing themselves to a relationship. Scared of only having one woman/man. Scared of having to provide. Scared of having to settle down. Scared of having to be dependable. Scared of having to make unselfish sacrifices. Scared of having to provide (oh wait–I said that). Scared of being found out they are failures. Scared of having to put any effort forth. Whew! They are sooo scared that they, at times, have to get delusional about you and see and hear things that aren't done or said. These actions are only done by the real love-/commitment-phobics who are truly scared to love because they're scared they will get hurt, or not measure up. Scared of failure. Scared of being found out for the frauds they are. Scared that if they don't dump you they won't find that great ego-lift they will get by conquering the next unsuspecting woman/man that comes along. Scared they can't provide a home for a family. Scared they are the ones who can't get a life.<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: ronnb ]</p>

so has anyone gotten back together? Does anyone have any real solid...this is what I should do advice? I am desperate here!!!!<p>Thanks!
Val

Dear W,<p>Take a gander over to the recovery board. Look up BrambleRose, Alberta, Zorweb, Lor, LostVA. There are more. Some of these went the D route and back. <p>The point where you appear to be at with your H is in the early stages. Your H appears to be waffling and you may be in for more of that infamous rollercoaster ride. <p>My H tried to come home 4 times. During that time OW claimed to be prego 2 out of 3 times (1st time was d/d time, I miscarried once, H changed jobs 3 times. H is home now (actually he is at work). H says he considers OW a nuisance. He does not want to say he hates her but he doesn't say he hates anyone (oh yea, except me but he doesn't remember that). That's another thing, selective memory loss. Another fogese sign. <p>So are we in recovery? Well, I won't fess up to that stage yet but we are headed that way. I am a pessimist by nature so until I feel better, I will say we are headed that way. I post on GQII most times but stepped over to check on a few friends. <p>You might want to check out the recovery or GQII sites as well. Many from here post on GQII so you will recognize some of the names/stories. <p>Hope this helps. My personal story can make you laugh and cry. I did most of the crying already, now the OW is just as my H says a nuisance. Note: this nuisance has a name: Mrs. Psyco Babble Rabbit. She earned each one...... LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

I just dont know what to do!! Do I just leave him alone and don't call him? Obviously pressuring him is making things worse and making him have no respect for me, but I just keep thinking that if I just don't talk to him he will think I moved on and forget about me forever

Dear W,<p>Do you need to talk? You sound very frustrated and alone right now. We can talk on ICQ or on the phone. I have been at MB since Jan 01 and talked with a few MBers here. They have helped me and in turn I was able to share a few words with others. <p>Let me know. <p>L.

I want to call him soo bad....what should I do? I am so afraid that he has someone else...he tells me he doesnt, but that it is none of my business if he did because we are broken up...but he says he assures me that he doesn't. I guess it doesnt do any good to ask him every day because even if he says no it still doesnt put my mind at ease. I keep thinking maybe I should just wait a few days or a week to call, but I am just so scared that the next time I talk to him he will have someone else...I wish you guys could understand our relationship because we have gone through things like this for about 6 years and we would always end up back together, but I guess it was easier before because we weren't married or divorced. He wasn't ready to be married and I know that is probably the biggest reason things did not work...he even said he's learned so much about himself just being gone for a few months.....GREAT his parents just called and want our son tomorrow night til Sunday. I have knots in my stomach now because I know my ex will just call over to his parents to talk to our son (he's 4)WHAT DO I DO???? I am soo lost!!

Val, <p>I hear your frustration but we have to know, are you reading our responses? We can't help you unless we know you are listening. <p>ok?<p>L.

yes I am reading them! things are just so hard right now...is it neccessary for a clean break before there is even a chance of getting back together?

You should go and read the MB principles on the website. They will help you know how to change yourself, so that you can let go of your husband's actions, and realize that by changing your behavior, you will be a better and more confident person - someone who your H would want to come home to. Read about Plan A and try to follow the principles. Right now it seems like the end of the world, but you can't believe everything your H says right now. He's very emotional and confused and his emotions will change. You do have to work on yourself and give your H time to come back to reality. There are also some notable posts on under GQII and do a search on Plan A to find out more. It's hard to have patience and wait, but that is what you are supposed to do right now. Good luck. K

I always thought plan a and b were for people who had affairs...i guess I'll look into it...thanks...Val

Okay...more complications...yesterday my ex's sister got engaged. Is this going to make him want someone new...since at the beginning it's usually happy and exciting? Could it make him miss me or us? I am genuinely happy for her, but I was really sad when I was alone to think about it.

I am so sick...I talked to him tonite...he said he will never ever get back with me and he knows the feelings won't change. He said it doesnt even bother him if I were to go out with anyone else and right after the divorce it did. Do people who break up and get back together feel at the time that they would take the person they brok up with back? Please help

Repeat after me. You cannot take anything that your H says right now as fact. Your H will say lots of things and go from one extreme to the next. Right now, don;t pressure him for any decisions or answers, don't beg or plead for him to say what you want him to say. You need to take a breather and really look at your relationship. Give your H a few days to calm down and then look to see if you are doing any LBs(love busters). First - stop doing those and let you H see that you are someone he would want to come back to. Plan A and B aren't just for affairs. Take some time to read the MB website articles and letters and see if you can identify with any of the situations or if any of the advice seems like its for you. Then come back adn ask lots of questions. But for now, don't be too clingy and weepy with H, I know it's hard, but ut will drive him away. I hope thios helps. Good Luck! K

thanks for the advice...but now I'm really worried...I talked to him again....
Is it possible for someone to gain respect for you again after it is lost? Tonight he told me that getting back together wasn't hopless until recently. He before the actual divorce he still thought I was special and that our marriage just didn't work out. He said because how I acted during the divorce and how I wont stop calling him and stuff now puts us in the "hopless" category because he cant respect someone with low self esteem (although everyone else thinks I'm overly confident...I'm only like this w/ him) and that he respects himself too much to get back w/ me. He said if he ever wanted to get back with me he would then have issues w/ himself. Please help...any advice would be appreciated.

Yes, the H's opinions can change. Two months ago my WH said he would never forgive me for how I acted when I found out about his A. Now it seems like that is not even an issue. The reason why you want to read about LBs and getting yourself together with Plan A is so that your XH can see the changes in you. So he can see that you've changed into a self confident person. When you talk to him - be happy! Don't LB and let him see a confident person. That's the person he'll come back to. Once he's back, then you can let your guard down and work on the marital issues. Get familiar with Plan A - if you go to any of Kevco's posts - usually on GQII he has links for new comers. They may help. Keep strong. K

so should I just not talk to him at all for a while? How will he see I am becoming different if he doesnt talk to me? I guess from reading its obvious I am doing some things wrong, but its hard not to...if I call him and he's telling me not to then thats just making him more upset with me, but if I don't, wont that make him just move on even more?