Happy Thanksgiving ! 'm wrestling with an issue, if anyone is on the boards I could use advice..<p> My WS ( we separated on 06/29/01) has been heavily involved w OM . Oficially, I'm in Plan? Sent a B letter in Sept.; wasn't comfortable in B; I caved.<p> Did an ok plan A before, have done a great plan A since.<p> On Monday, Steve said go back to B..<p> OK, but WS had earlier invited me to her mother's house for Thanksgiving. Her mother called later and also invited me.<p> I said ok, MIL asked me to cook a few dishes, I said ok.<p> While talking to my sister last night,she argued to not go to MIL, to take my power back, to go to her house w her and other sister instead. That my WS has acted horribly, I'm responding to an illusion, not the fact that WS has left marriage. Powerful stuff. OD wants to go to my sisters, watch them tape the news at her work ( sister is on air at a small tv station) and eat w her cousins. This all came up last night.<p> But I've committed to MIL and WS. I was thinking of dropping off my dishes before WS arrives, explaining why I cannot stay to MIL, and return later to pick up kids.<p> Not staying could say that WS is right to be w OM,I could lose IL supoort, I've given my word, etc.

WS has been taking kids to OM's to play w his, sleeps over there often, denies an affair, OM says he really loves her and deeply cares for her..We all work for same company, this has been very public at work.<p> Think I'll post on GQ2 as well.

I'm leaning towards sisters, reluctant to give WS any real ammo to "prove" how terrible I am.<p> Terrible situation.<p> Any thoughts?<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Wow, a tricky situation........<p>Family Man, as I understand Plan B, it is for the time when you feel your love for WS disappearing, and to protect your love, and yourself from further harm, you cut contact until they end the A. I know it is recommended here NOT to do Plan B unless you are truly ready for it, or it will fail, as it did with you the first time. Although Steve (bowing down to kiss the ground upon which he walks) is the expert on Plan B here, I would question whether you are indeed ready for another attempt....believe me, when you are ready for Plan B, you KNOW it.<p>So......if you are ready, it is effective immediately, you write the letter and give it to W, make apologies to MIL and go to your family for Thanksgiving. <p>BUT, if you are not ready for Plan B, that means you are still in Plan A, and you should see this as an opportunity to give your W as many deposits in her love bank as you can. That of course, would include going to MIL's with food and a smile on your face, and not committing any LB's in your W's presence. NONE!!! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Which brings me to a niggly little question....is OM going to be there? If so, do not go, under ANY circumstances. That is giving her a clear message that her A is okay to you, and it is NOT.<p>Hope this helps, and that your day turns out to be something else to be thankful for.<p>love and light,<p>Jacky

Nina too - Thank you for your wise words. As for plan B, I will follow the wisdom of Sponge Bob Square Pants. ( Uh - I have young kids.)<p>I'm ready!<p> I think pursuing plan B from a reactive" or "controlling" perspective dosn't invite the kind of conviction needed to see it through.<p> It has to come from the heart. I think.<p> Thank you for taking te time to respond when I needed help. <p> God bless you and your family. <p> I hope you are enjoying your new place and are still friends with your mom ! <p>
Dan

Family Man:<p>Steve is right
Sister is right
Nina Too is not QUITE right
The thanksgiving dinner reeks of "condoning" A, and assuaging HER guilt. ( her mother )
Make her face her mother ALONE (or with OM, Hah!)
Make your excuses and RECANT (you've got a right!DAMMIT!)
You can't score any points by going, YOU WILL LOSE!
By all means see her ALONE, or in a public place (and not often)
You are SPECIAL, not someone she can slot into a convenient role to make her feel better.
Better yet, tell her you have a DATE!<p>Are you serious about getting her back? Take some firm and decisive action. At the moment you are cow-towing to her whims and fancies, and willing to pick up scraps that are offered. Have some pride, and demand her respect by what you do.<p>Plan B is NOT only for when you want to give up, it's the right plan for the right circumstances. Plan A is for mutual commitment, and NO CONTACT. Get real here, or your Plan A will BOMB, and backfire on you. The danger of Plan B is, that YOU may feel after a while, that YOU no longer want HER back. But it certainly levels the playing fields.<p>Drop off the dishes by all means, but have a well-constructed excuse handy, so that MIL still thinks you're a sweetie. Wife will KNOW that you are "dis"-ing her, but cannot prove it! BANG, BANG!
Personally, I like the idea of dinner with your sister, and a fake date afterwards. Tell your MIL, she's SURE to tell your wife.<p>Take control!<p>Muzohead

LOL, yes Mum and I are better freinds living apart....and she loves to see the kids, when she knows they are going home again! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Yes Plan B does come from the heart.....<p>So you are entering Plan B when? After Thanksgiving, or immediately.<p>Muzoman, was the bit about plan A being NO CONTACT a typo? Plan A is for showing WS's your changes, love banks deposits, etc, etc.You can't do that with no contact, so I am assuming you meant plan B is for no contact.<p>Be strong!<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: Nina too ]</p>

Hey, Nina Too!<p>
...sorry, I sometimes think in shorthand....<p>Here it is:
Plan A should only be embarked upon when the WS commits to NO CONTACT with OM, amongst other things.<p>Hope that clears it up.<p>Muzohead [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Muzohead,<p>I am unbelievably confused!!!! Where did you get that info? I understood plan A was for improving yourself, depositing love bank units, meeting needs of the WS in the best way you can, but of course with some boundaries for yourself (like one for me was no sex), no LB'ing, and working hard to change those negative qualities in yourself, in order to present the best model of YOU to the WS, but mainly for change in yourself. <p>I then thought Plan B was instigated because the WS refused to give up OP, and the love the BS feels for WS is deteriorating, and it is too hurtful to be in that situation, so you go to no contact.<p>If, and only if the WS then decides to give up OP for good then the BS can go back into a Plan A, and you let the WS know this via the Plan B letter.<p>Am I way off base? Because if I am I will be a bit upset, as this was how I played the game.<p>Sorry to Family Man for hijacking his thread....maybe we should start a new one on this topic.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky