Hi Everybody!<p>I used to post regularly on "in recovery" board, been absent some, lurked some, and now I'm back.<p>I've been seperated 2 weeks now, and my wife has invited me out for a drink on Friday night. (neither of us is seeing anybody).
I've said yes, but now have 2nd thoughts. <p>Brief history...
She had an A, lasted 3 months (EA/PA). She moved out one week. She comes back, but can't commit. after 6 months, I give up, and tell her it's OVER. I go on date, have a 2 week affair with new GF, but when GF is overseas, I cheat with W. I am now involved with both, (BAAAAAD!), and eventually wife has now assumed morally superior position, and threatens all kinds of stuff, including suing ( no Plan A here). I decide it better to break off, ( while GF is overseas), and afterwards W cools off. I accuse her of merely trying to ruin my life, or get even. I say I cannot commit, I need to start fresh, and she needs to stop acting like I'm the big bad boy. (constant head-bashing, and insults, verbal abuse, major LB stuff). I say I'm moving out, she says DON'T COME BACK. I hassle for 2 or 3 weeks, then eventually move. .........<p>Back to now...
So now I don't know how I feel about her. She's strange, I visited the other day, she shrugs my hands off her shoulders when I massage, but squeezes my butt as I leave(?????). Please, what's going on here?<p>Any comments?
I need answers SOON, the date is Friday night.<p>Muzohead<p>Muzohead

Wow Muzo, <p>You have a real mixed pot of stuff going on here. Her confused signals sound like your confused feelings. And you want to combine all that on a date? Let me know where in this world you are so I can watch the skies.....<p>Now can you both really make a go of this date? First of all whose idea is this anyway? What wre your plans - doing stuff in public or some cozy retreat? Not being nosy just wondering how explosive this combo of location, itinerary and feelings will be. <p>If you can get a handle on your feelings and she can control her mixed signals, you just might have a good time. If only one can control their sides then you still could have a nice time. So what does that mean? Well can you control your side? If yes, then go with blessings and try to have a good time. <p>JMHO,
L.

Orchid,
I&#8217;m just concerned that she may be into playing games, rather than being upfront & honest. The last time we went together, we had already decided to split, and she &#8220;spotted&#8221; someone she fancied in the club, and proceeded to &#8220;eye&#8221; him, and at the end of the evening exchanged phone numbers. I had no problem with it (we were there in a group ), but she told me later that she just did it to get a reaction from me. Go figure.<p>So this is my only concern. We are going alone this time, just for drinks at a bar. If it turns into something which I don&#8217;t like, I&#8217;ll simply leave.<p>I&#8217;ve always been good at controlling myself, perhaps too good. BTW, she can be exceedingly charming (I&#8217;m butter)<p>Any other thoughts?<p>Muzohead

Muzohead,<p>Just wanted to say i hope it goes well for you. It is a tricky time for you both.<p>Just a little fun advice...if she does that phone number thing again, if I were you, I would do the same, just to get a reaction out of HER! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sorry, but that is just silly game playing on her part, and I don't really mean you should play into it [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Okay, WHY does she want to meet? Any indication? To talk? To tell you to get out of her life? What can be her motivation? There surely is one somewhere. Try to figure that out, and you may be a step ahead. <p>Good luck...I really hope it goes well.<p>Oh, and the bum squeeze? Typical WS mixed message stuff. Don't ya HATE that?<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

muzohead - Good Morning!

To me, this date is a tough situation. Why? Because of playing games.<p>I don't think "playing" fosters the possibility of connection between the two of you. To me,it makes it more difficult. Because real feelings aren't being addressed; truthtelling ehances connection. But you know this.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>she shrugs my hands off her shoulders when I massage, but squeezes my butt as I leave(?????). Please, what's going on here?<hr></blockquote><p>I think this is a bid for control on her part.<p>I think you're doing the right thing to go. It can help you figure out what you feel and want.<p>Good Luck!

Hi Muzo,<p>Well, you have your exits planned. Stage left when you need. Don't wear those shoes with wheels.... LOL!!! <p>Enjoy the good and throw out the bad. Since she said she does this to get your attention, would she like to hear your ideas on how to get your attention without getting up your goat? I have to let my H know these things because he has that tendency as well. Then the real reasons come out or they change.... either way there is movement. This helps me. <p>Have a good one. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Thanks, all of you guys, for caring & responding.<p>Family Man:
I think you're right on the "control" thing<p>Nina Too:
You know, she was a bit jumpy and unnatural all night, and of course I only just figured that since her birthday is today, she was feeling a bit sentimental maybe?<p>Orchid:
Let the GAMES begin! Yes, sadly too many games. I bowed out because of that. ( amongst other things)
As it turns out, the date was a group, (she didn't say, but maybe changed her mind at the last minute). Dinner was OK, but she seems intent on making a big deal of unimportant stuff to make a point that we are no longer an item(?), as if she needs to prove it to herself in some way.<p>Big danger, though, because when we hug or kiss, the air positively CRACKLES!<p>So everybody, I'm glad I went, and sad that not much has changed in that particular area.<p>Keep you posted
Muzohead

Muzohead,
"she seems intent on making a big deal of unimportant stuff to make a point that we are no longer an item".....yet "when we hug or kiss, the air positively CRACKLES!"<p>Hmmm...sonds like waffling to me!
Heck

neither of us is seeing anybody
That’s good as you are both still married.<p>I go on date, have a 2 week affair with new GF, but when GF is overseas, I cheat with W.<p>I say I'm moving out<p>She's strange, I visited the other day, she shrugs my hands off her shoulders when I massage,<p>the date is Friday night<p>Your wife is as confused as you are. She can’t read what are your true intentions/meanings. Either you want to try & work it out or you don’t. Decide for yourself & then let your wife know. If it is over, then tell her. If you are still confused as to what you want to do, then tell her but stop messing around (physically & emotionally) with everyone including yourself.<p> I accuse her of merely trying to ruin my life, or get even. I say I cannot commit, I need to start fresh, and she needs to stop acting like I'm the big bad boy.
This sounds like the line all bs have heard and now it’s coming from you.<p>My advice?
Friday night should not be a date. It should be going out & talking about what you want, what you think you want and what you don’t know you want. It should not be anything else. No kissing, no hugging, no sex. Don’t get the issues confused. The issue should be saving your marriage or not.<p>Keep going as it seems to be going and it will be more difficult to do anything (repair the marriage or divorce.)

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
I accuse her of merely trying to ruin my life, or get even. I say I cannot commit, I need to start fresh, and she needs to stop acting like I'm the big bad boy.
This sounds like the line all bs have heard and now it&#8217;s coming from you.<p>[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>CHRIS:
It ain't all that simple, mate.<p>Why don't you try this on for size:
After I had broken it off with GF, she "lost" interest in me. Remember, I had only seen GF for 2 wks, after which she left for o/seas. I dated 2-3weeks after "throwing in the towel", since my W could not decide to make a go of it one way or the other. This was 6 months after the end of her A. She also amongst other things, refused any form of counseling. <p>I told her that I could not be in the position of having my life permanently on hold, (give or take 2 1/2 yrs), and that I finally "give up".<p>While the GF was away, she appeared to attack me in all earnest, and we ended up getting along well, and got entangled physically as well. When I gave GF the boot, she cooled off, indulged in constant verbal abuse, and repeated threats of suing myself & GF for emotional damage, and called me every name in the book, since I had a telephone relationship with GF, and a physical one with her.<p>Answer me this. When you've been threatened with divorce & subjected to W's depression for 2yrs, and endure a torturous additional year of EA / PA behaviour, do you suddenly immediately "boot" a recent friend, because it "seems" things are better with W?, or do you evaluate carefully what it is you are experiencing at your W's hand.
....hence the accusation.
May I add also, that this accusation was made only after receiving constant verbal abuse from W, during which she has called me every dirty name in the book, merely for what I have related above. She also attacked me physically, which she apologised for afterwards.<p>The end result? I'm now without GF, ( a marvellous woman whose reputation W has mercilessly attacked, notwithstanding her recent behaviour), and W is intent on divorce.(again)<p>
My question when moving out [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] already broken up with GF)
"shall we seperate & review evrything once we've had some space & time on our own?....."
W's answer:
"....no, this time I think it's final"<p>
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>.....hence the accusation<p>I vacillated about moving out, yes. It's not easy to turn your back on your kids, is it? She's also the WS, and emotionally unstable parent.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>She's strange, I visited the other day, she shrugs my hands off her shoulders when I massage, <hr></blockquote><p>Yes, I was being friendly & casual, which she rejects, then she makes a sexual overture(?)C'mon Chris!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>the date is Friday night <hr></blockquote>
I expressed my concern & uncertainty about going here....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>No kissing, no hugging, no sex <hr></blockquote>
Look, I realise you do not know me, but the kiss is a "peck" goodbye, and the hug is just that. We haven't had sex in 2 months.<p> I realise that the "brief history" was just that, but to bleed all over these pages won't serve any purpose. People generally feel so sorry for one, that objective & constructive criticism is lost. Therefore I accept what you say, and it's good food for thought.<p>I value the criticism greatly. Don't stop! I believe in it.<p>Thanks, mate! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Muzohead

My point is she has affair, you have affair, you both hate each other, you have sex with each other, she doesn’t want you, she wants you, you want her, you don’t want her...<p>The paragraph you wrote had my head spinning & I only got a short paragraph. I can just imagine what you & her are going through.<p>Before you get involved with anyone (including you wife) stop & decide what you want. Then make it crystal clear to your wife what you would like, then do it!<p>But until you make a decision & stick to it, everyone (you, your wife, boyfriends, girlfriends etc.) is going to wonder what is going on.<p>If you don’t know what you want at this point, then do nothing.<p>The end result? I'm now without GF, ( a marvellous woman whose reputation W has mercilessly attacked, notwithstanding her recent behaviour), and W is intent on divorce.(again)<p>My advice? Don’t get even remotely involved with anyone until the divorce is final. You won’t have to worry about gf being bothered by/about wife.