First off, I'd like to say hello to you all. I've done a bit of reading on the boards and figured I would go ahead and post. I'm male and 23 years of age.<p>So here is my story...<p>My ex-wife and I started off as friends. I knew my ex for 5 years before marrying her. In this time we were apart for about 1 year. The year apart was because I had told her that I had more feelings for her than just a friend. The resulting relationship... I think that lasted for a week. She was apparently afraid of "hurting me or loosing my friendship" at the time. Well after not seeing each other for an extended period of time we got back together and after a lot of talking and what I thought was heart to heart decided to get married.<p>Why did I want to get married? To have a life partner, to be love and be loved, my guilt to justify my lustful actions in the eyes of God by marrying her, and my quest to help her put behind her past and help with her struggles in life. I feel that I was right for the most part. I know everyone is guilty of their own sin, but I felt most of my reasoning was noble.<p>The "quest" I speak of above is a bit more than what it seems, so I'll explain this. Before I was in a relationship with her, she had slept around quite a bit. I went into it knowing that something could and probably would happen. Because of my love for her, I did not want to see her risk her life by constant unprotected sexual relations. We both spoke about this, and she told me that she wanted to change and that she loved me. Being young and stupid, I thought it was the right thing to do all around. It became my personal "cross" in life... that I loved her so much that despite the consequence, I would help her. I thought God was trying to speak through me in this act.<p>The marraige was good on both sides for about a year. After that, she began to lie to me constantly about everything. At the time I did not even know about it. I kept having feelings about it, but I dismissed them simply because "I should trust her, she is my wife". It took about another year and "stuff" hit the fan one day.<p>I was at work and needed to grab something from at home to fix the problem I was having. Home being 10 minutes away, I got in the car and left without letting her know I was on my way. On my way home, I said to myself... "prolly go home and find her ****ing some guy". This was my paranoia speaking out after the feelings I had been having for so long. Well, upon arriving home someone elses car was in the driveway. I drove past at normal speed and parked down 2 houses. Quietly worked my way up to the door, and in one motion put in the key, turned the handle and opened the door. Needless to say, I saw something that haunts my mind to this day.<p>After a few quick words with an ex friend of both of ours and his peeling out and leaving, I went back to work and took care of things there and then went back home to talk with her more. She basically told me that she loved me, but that she wanted a divorce. That she was not sorry for her actions. Mentioned something about "it's good that you two guys didn't get into it because i wouldn't have stopped either of you". She confessed to lying and acting for the last year. What it really came down to though, was that she did not want to work it out, and was giving only two choices to me.. get divorced, or let her have her cake and eat it too. The next day was very confusing as I battled with demons in myself and dealt with the shock. I ended up going to and talking with her parents the following day. I explained everything and told them I wanted them to know the truth. (she had a real problem with lying to them and they knew it).<p>In any case, this was all too much for me to handle. I kicked her out of the house onto the street and gave her $300 so I didn't feel heartless.<p>There is obviously more to the relationship than I can explain in text on here. I'm just trying to give a detailed view of it from an outside point of view.<p>What makes the situation really odd, is that my brother is in a relationship with one of her past friends from school and things are going great for him, but everytime I see her I can't help but hurt inside about my past relationship. So that doesn't help much for the family environment.<p>It's going on a year since this happened, and I've only had a handful of people that I've really talked with about it. It's so difficult for me to trust in anyone. If I knew someone for 5 years and they did this to me, then how can I trust anyone? I'm trying to put it behind me, go on and learn from it. However, my lonlyness and sense of lack of self-worth keep coming back to me time and time again. It's also like I was betrayed by God. I honestly thought it was my lot, my cross to bear. Put in the shoes that I thought might happen though, I could not handle it and she would not allow it. <p>I never hurt her that I know of. Physically or emotionally. I was always the one to ask her to open up. I was the one to remain calm when she threatened to cut me. I think sometimes that she could not handle that I was trying so hard and that she didn't care.<p>I remember writing this shortly after the breakup... "i'm scared of myself sometimes. my mind is wretched with lust. if i do something, i feel the guilt and emptyness more than when i'm alone. in order to compensate for this, i attach myself to the person and become emotionally dependant to the point of possessiveness. i tell myself to let go and live by my feelings at the time... but that results in hurting others and myself. i break down. so, i seem to alienate myself from the world because of the fear of the inflicted pain."<p>Looking back, I'm glad I wrote this (as well as other things) down. I'm able to reflect back and see how I drew inward. I'd highly suggest getting your feelings out in type or print to those out there that are going though something difficult.<p>Well... I'm writing a small book, and I could go on forever about this, but it's really late so I'm finished for now.<p>Any comments/questions/etc are welcome...<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: Josh ]</p>

Welcome Symbyotic Zero:<p>I think that being here will be a good thing for you. There is a lot of release that comes from telling your story. You put yourself in a very difficult situation, one that a lot of us find ourselves in, mistaking the resuce of one in need for love. It makes us feel good about ourselves but is a hollow replacment for a true loving relationship. <p>I don't have a lot of time to type this morning but will check back later. I think that coming here and telling more of your story will help you to let go and experience the release that you desire. <p>You are a young man with a good intellect and a desire to move on. These are all good things.
You can learn a lot about yourself and relationships here. <p>Take Care

Thx for the positive comments. Changed my name to my real name because it's much easier btw.<p>I've been seperated for almost a year, and legally divorced for about 6 months. Round after round of paperwork was no fun and quite time consuming.<p>What sucks for me is that I hate the idea of dating. It's all a big game. I do not like to play games. Especially since I was in a big one before. Just looking for someone true that can accept my faults, and I'm willing to accept theirs. Noone is "perfect". I've gone on dates with about a half dozen women since the divorce, and I always end up feeling empty. They are always too good for me.. (like highly religious, i'm spiritual... but not a member of a faith. raised roman catholic, tried my hand at many religions and found them all to be imperfect from my point of view.)... or the opposite end of the spectrum and all whacked out in the head. I have to wonder sometimes if I'm just that unique that I'll never find someone to fit to me.<p>My female friends, (yes friends)... say that I am attractive and should not have a problem at all with meeting someone wonderful. Funny that almost all women will not even give me the time of day. Leaves me wondering if there is really something wrong with me.<p>I'm 23 and bored to hell with the party scene and realized about 2 years ago that it was time to grow up. It's really difficult for me though, because women my age or older want to date older men, and the younger ones that might show interest in me are still wild and that's not what I want. I'm sure if I wanted to go have sex, I could just go have sex. That is not what I want though. I do love sex... (oh man do i ever)... but when it's not with someone that I have deep feelings for it leaves me more empty than if I had done nothing in the first place.<p>I know, I know... most guys my age are out "sowing their oats" or whatever the stupid saying is, but frankly I hate the idea... the risk if death by disease, the empty feelings, confusion and hurt it causes, and the lonelyness afterwards. I'd much rather be married or in a long term relationship. I feel more comfterable when I am in one. It gives me someone to love. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to love unconditionally to the best of my ability.<p>Of course in my previous relationship this didn't last. You know... it wasn't the unfaithfulness that got to me. That is shocking, but I could have gotten over that and gone on. It was the total deception, lies, uncaring, and total lack of any thought of my feelings that hurt so much.<p>So I'm sitting here wondering to myself... where are all the good women, and why can't I find them?!

Josh,<p>I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. <p>I could have written your comments on dating. It is exactly how I feel most of the time. I was hoping that dating at my age, 37, would not be as bad as dating at 20 but it is worse. Mind games and the lets just have sex attitude prevail. <p>Like you I prefer the long term relationship. Casual sex is out there for the taking but without some connection it makes you feel worse. <p>I have found the release from my STBX that I needed. I also could forgive my STBX if all he did was cheat but he also lied, controlled and sublty verbally abused me for years. I don't need that in my life...I'm hard enough on myself the way it is. I always felt that he lacked respect for me and that hurt more than anything really. All I ever wanted was to gain his respect and I never did and never will. As soon as I would begin to meet his expectations he shifted them. I would never be good enough. <p>So, personally I'm better off without him. I have grown tremndously in a spiritual sense since he left and that has helped me a whole lot. I will be okay but dang I miss the companionship of a man! <p>It is late and I need to go.<p>Take Care Josh.