I had a very interesting conversation with my two girls (7 & 12) last night. We were talking about what a great Thanksgiving weekend we had and how they were looking forward to Christmas when the conversation kind of turned a little bit. My 7 year old brings up that Christmas won&#8217;t be that great because she wants her family back. A little history for you, my mom and dad moved out of state at the end of July of this year and then my husband moved out in mid August of this year. I explained to her, using a tactic I learned on this site, that we are still a family but we just look a little different right now. That seemed to ease her emotions a little bit but is more worried that she will never be able to spend the night at her grandma and grandpa&#8217;s again.<p>Anyway, while this little conversation with my 7 year old was going on, my 12 year old got real quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn&#8217;t want to tell me because she didn&#8217;t want to upset me. After finally getting her to feel comfortable to tell me, I was kind of shocked but not really surprised by what she had to say. She proceeded to tell me that even though she really misses daddy a lot and wants him back, she is very used to him being gone. I simply explained to her that I too understand the feelings she is having at this time because a part of me feels that way too. We all sat and cried for a few minutes then we decided to watch Jim Carrey in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.<p>This brings me to my questions for my friends on this board. While it seems we have all accepted my H/daddy being gone, are we going to be able to completely accept him if/when he does decide to come home? Which for the first time this weekend, he told me his goal is to be home before Christmas.<p>Does this mean that I have been somewhat successful in my Plan A to provide a safe and happy environment for my children so that they know we are going to be okay no matter what happens?<p>Will me or the kids have some resentment towards him if/when he does decide to move home?<p>I think these are all the questions I have right now. I am sure more will come up as I think about them.<p>Thanks for all of your continued support.<p>Michele

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sballplyr:
<strong>Does this mean that I have been somewhat successful in my Plan A to provide a safe and happy environment for my children so that they know we are going to be okay no matter what happens?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>((((Michele))))<p>To me that means more than anything that you've been a great mother throughout this ordeal. You should take great pride in that.<p>Faith, Hope, & Love - The greatest of these is Love.<p>
Hugs, Thoughts, and Holiday Prayers

Michele,<p>How wonderful that your kids have come to this point....they have aedjusted well, and it is due to you being there for them.<p>I hope you and your H have a good talk about both your expectations of his moving back home. Go through some of the questionairres and stuff. This is so you both know he is coming back into it with a genuine commitment to work at it, and the goals will be set.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Hi Michele...<p>Glad to hear the news about your H... are either of you two in counseling? Will he consider this? Because if/when he comes home, I'd do what I can to ensure that this time it's sustainable and for good... I'd worry about the revolving door syndrome... <p>The best thing you can do is give the space necessary for your kids to feel free to talk openly... your sharing honestly and appropriately with them is also good.<p>Hang in there!<p>Warmly,
Nicole

Michele,<p>I would strongly encourage you to get some "reconciliation" counseling from the Harley's on what to expect, as there will be resentment and confusion on the part of the kids.<p>Second, reconciliation can be rougher than the pain of separation. I suggest that you consider making one of the groundrules for reconciliation that you both participate in marriage counseling to get through this period.<p>This period is very intense as it includes opening past wounds, continually opening past wounds as they are trying to heal, confusion as to motivations due to lack of trust, emotional withdrawal by WS, and the outward signs of withdrawal can be taken the wrong way if not understood by both spouses.<p>please, consider making the Harley's part of your reconciliation plan in order to get the maximum potential points for your efforts.<p>wiftty

I agree 100% that we will need counseling if/when he does move back home. The unfortunate part is that my husband thinks that counselors are bad and I don't know how to convince him otherwise. I try not to push the subject with him because it is an LB to him. I do feel that the kids and I both have built up a little resentment towards his leaving and we have all gotten so used to him being gone that it will be hard to accept him back at first. I have actually discussed my fear that I may become resentful towards him with him recently. He really didn't have much to say but that he could kind of understand. HMMM!<p>I have let him know the best that I can that if/when he does come home that it is going to be difficult at first but that we will be able to get through it if he is truly ready. I also gave him a list about 2 months ago of things that I will need to see have changed before I can even consider having him come back home. We have talked about the list a couple of times and he has no problems with any of my needs from the list. I have asked him if he had a list for me and the only thing he says I need to change is my negative outlook on everything. I think I have come a long way there with that one but it is something I was brought up around all of my life.<p>On a little different note. Something interesting happened last night that he questioned this morning. He was at OUR house visiting with me and the kids and stayed for dinner. Well it was getting past the kids' bedtime and my H was still over and I actually said to him "okay, I have to get the kids to bed now". I wasn't trying to make him leave but in the 3 1/2 months that he has been gone, I have gotten the kids into a normal routine so they could feel comfortable adjusting to daddy being gone. Anyways, when he called this morning he just asked "so did you get the kids to bed okay last night". I said "yes" and he said "wow, I felt like you were trying to get rid of me". I told him "not at all but you know how it is trying to get these kids to settle down at night". He wasn't upset or anything but I guess he just felt like I didn't want him there. Which is not the case at all and we actually joked about later on in our phone conversation. Who knows, maybe it was good for him to see that I am actually doing okay on my own.<p>Thanks.<p>Michele<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</p>

Michelle,<p>Heading for bed, but wanted to respond to your thread.<p>First, growing up my dad was an alcoholic and gone most of the time. One year he stopped drinking and was home all the time. As I look back on that year, it was the worse year I could remember growing up as a family. My whole family wasn't use to him being around. The adjustment was incredibly hard. I really hated it, but I also felt so guilty for hating it. I pretty much kept my misery to myself because I felt so selfish about it. Later I learned I wasn't the only one in the family that hated dad popping into our lives for a year. I also felt so guilty when he went back to drinking and was gone again, mainly because I was so relieved.<p>Also, on counseling, if it were me, he wouldn't be coming back into the home unless he agreed to major family counseling. <p>Take care and good luck,<p>ANNA<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>