"Relationships Before and After"<p>Before she moves in , she wears teddies and garters, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and sex with all the trimmings follows ambient dinners like a fine port.<p>After she moves in, she farts in her grungy, tackie panties while hypnotized by her favorite soap; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and ***** about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great [censored].<p>Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished:<p>1. ADDICTIONS
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.<p>After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and lite up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.<p>2. BODILY FUNCTIONS
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.<p>After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it is hilarious.<p>3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming, supportive friend who you think is really nice.<p>After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-[censored] with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.<p>4. SEX
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You try impress, using all your tricks - your renowned booby grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like motion. Sex four times a day is not uncommon.<p>After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.<p>5. ATTENTION SPAN
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories if her childhood.<p>After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V. and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.<p>6 OVERALL EVALUATION
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships.....but she suspects you are full of ****.<p>After: She knows your full of ****!!<p>Have a great day!!
This joke had been edited for content to protect the more modest amoung us. I hope I have not offended anyone.

I'm offended that you didn't post more. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by father of 1, husband of 0:
<strong>I'm offended that you didn't post more. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm offended that she didn't tell us where she lives.<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Definitions of words by gender...<p>THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. <p>VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet. <p>COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.<p>BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.<p>COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. <p>ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. <p>FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. <p>MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. <p>REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

You might be a redneck if.....<p>You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.<p>You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.<p>Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.<p>Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.<p>You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.<p>You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.<p>You come back from the dump with more than you took.<p>You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.<p>Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.<p>You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.<p>You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.<p>You've bathed with flea and tick soap.<p>You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.<p>Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.<p>You took a fishing pole to Sea World.<p>You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.<p>You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.<p>You have a rag for a gas cap.<p>Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.<p>You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.<p>You can spit without opening your mouth.<p>You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.<p>Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.<p>You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.<p>The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.<p>Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.<p>You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.<p>You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.<p>Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you<p>home.<p>A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.<p>You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.<p>You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"<p>You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.<p>You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

First off WIFTTy I'll have you know that I resemble many of those remarks and I only consider my neck well tanned.<p>To add to our Rated R section:<p>A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before,.... so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.<p>Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." <p>Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" <p>Mary: "Head Cleaner"