Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
S
surmay Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
Hi Everyone,<p>I know there's times when the husband who just up and walks away from everything about their marriage will have his highs and lows on weather he's wanting to get back togeather or not.<p>The thing that's bothering me is that now I'm having the ups and downs.<p>For two month's or so I've been trying to get my husband to come home. He went through the not speaking to me at all, verbal hostility, and now finanlly saying he's not sure what he wants.<p>Now for the last 5 or 6 days I've been thinking that maybe I don't want him back. All the things I'll have to give in to him about, and the idea of having to put my tail between my legs so to speak over things that have happen.<p>I myself went through the begging, crying, and pleading making a total fool of myself before finally being able to start doing things right.<p>That includes keeping my mouth shut about things that have happened, not voicing my opion so as to avoid an arguement, and the "yes I understand how you feel statements". <p>But now he believes that he truely carries no blame in our break up and I've basically have amitted to being the whole problem in our marriage. With everything I have said and done to try and get him back this is what he now believes. Don't get me wrong I definately did my share, but so did he.<p>Maybe it's the holiday just passing and x-mas right around the corner I don't know.<p>But it all started out with both of us angry, then I came to my senses and he remained angry for a long time, and really still is but softening. Now it's me again with the anger and resentment, and being down in the dumps again.<p>None of this makes any sense at all to me. Why would I go through so much to get him back, only to turn around and be angry and maybe not want him back ?<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 300
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 300
Sometimes the WH never admits that they are at fault - or at least they won't for ahile until the fog finally lifts. Of course your emotions will rollercoaster too. Right now your WH is not acting like the person that you love, and no one wants to be with a person who will treat them badly. But thatis not to say that he can change if he comes out of the fog and makes a committment to do so. By getting ourselves together we can be ready for a return - or to go on with our lives without the WH. That's why you go to Plan B after Plan A - so that you don't lose too many love units for your WH and not want him to return. It's also why you give both Plans a time limit - you won't want to wait forever because you will have healed enough to want to move on. Just ride the emotional roller coaster - keep a journal because your feelings will change, and then take inventory to see what you want. It's not a short or easy road we're on and WH's change emotions minutes by minute, hour by hour, day by day and week by week, so we just need to focus on ourselves. Hope this helps! K

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
Debby,<p>Have you been working on you? And you changing?
Which is what I suspect has happened..as for your anger--<p>Anger is a sign that something is wrong..it's like a stop sign that prevents you from going where you want to go..and for you it's your husband's not admitting his part in the problems of your marriage..so that you can move on to the type of honest and open relationship that you want and need..and his placing all the blame on you and your not sharing your feelings honestly or him not hearing what your saying..and just accepting all the blame..and so you have denied sharing your own feelings about things..or have been denied the ability to share them and they be accepted as your feelings..and them being validated as real..<p>So your taking on ALL the responsibility of the problems in the marriage makes your soul cry out in injustice..which brings on anger..because you
are taking on the responsibility for something that is not yours to be responsible for..<p>think of work for a minute..you have a co-worker who constantly needs help in finishing assigments because they are always up walking around talking to everyone in the office..so their work doesn't get done..then the deadline approaches and they aren't finished..you on the other hand have sat at your desk and finished all of your work and are ready to leave and go home..then your boss comes to you at 4:55 as your getting ready to leave and says you need to stay late to help this co-worker finish their work..now you've seen this co-worker all day walking around talking to everyone..and you've sat there plugging away all day working..
now you are told that you not only have to stay late at work and be kept from going home to your family..after you've done ALL of your own work..your now required to stay late and do someone elses work..you are now responsible for carrying this other persons load so they don't lose their job..then add to the scenario the co-worker has a very important dinner date that they just can't miss so the boss lets them go ahead and leave early..while you are left there to finish this co-workers assignments..when you also have plans to spend the evening relaxing with your family..so anger and resentment start to build up towards the co-worker and the boss..the co-worker because they didn't do their work, and the boss for making you stay late..but, you also become angry at yourself..for NOT speaking up and saying wait a minute..they have been up walking around all day long not doing anything..and making them responsible for the fact they goofed off all day long and making them stay late to do their own work..or causing them to lose their job because they didn't do their own work..and the company could hire someone who will actually be responsible and do their own work..making it less burdensome for everyone else..<p>Looking at that in confines to any relationship including marriage..we all do things that we alone are responsible for..our actions or lack of actions..and when someone blames us for something they themselves are responsible for..they are shirking their responsiblity..and you take it on..you now carry the burden of everything you've done..and everything they've done..and the burden gets to heavy for you..so you lash out in anger..saying THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! <p>And your right it isn't fair..so how do you make it fair? stop taking the blame..learn to know what is your responsibility and what isn't..and start making them responsible for their own things..<p>When your h says you made me do this..say "No, I didn't make you do anything, you chose to do it"
when your h says..well You did/said this..say well, You know..Your right, I did do or say that, and I'm sorry that you felt hurt inside that I did/said whatever..please forgive me..<p>You are then taking responsibility for what you did or said..but not taking responsibility or the blame for what they did/said..your leaving it for them to deal with..and in doing this..you gain a sense of freedom..like for the first time you feel hey.."I am free white and 21, and I am not responsible for taking the blame of everyone else..only myself" and they are responsible for themselves..wow..what a concept..<p>Just like the co-worker..they become responsible for doing their own work..or lose their job..would it be your fault if they were fired because you refused to stay late and do their work for them??
No, you wouldn't, it would be their fault for not doing their work to begin with..are you to blame they lost their job? No..they would be..because they didn't do the job they were hired to do..<p>As you learn to set these boundries..you become free from feeling like you are responsible for everyone else..and you actually become less angry inside..because your not carrying the burdens of everyone else..just your own..<p>
Christ wants us to share each others burdens..
share is to do together..it doesn't mean that you take them on as your own and become responsible for taking care of it yourself..like on this board as a prime example..I can share this information with you..but I can't make you do any of the suggestions I've made..and I can't save your marriage for you..thats something you and your husband have to do together..so I've been responsible for sharing the knowledge I have gleened and thats all I am responsible for..to share what I know..now the rest is up to you to do with what you can with what information you now have..and thats what sharing a burden is about..helping another person find the information they need to deal with the problem they have..not trying to fix it for them.<p>Now, your goal is to stop taking on the blame and responsibility for all the problems in your marriage..and giving your husbands share back to him to deal with..and face..and yes, he too will become angry at you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his part in this..as I stated before..when he starts blaming you and saying that you did this so he did that..you just say..yes, your right..I did that and I'm sorry you felt hurt by that, will you please forgive me?-- and take responsibility for what you did..don't add the but you did this..just admit your part in it and leave his actions to him..<p>If you haven't read the book Boundries..I'd suggest it..it will go into more information of what I've shared here..and help you learn to set these boundries..

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
S
surmay Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
Thanks again everybody as usual you came through for me !<p>mylife,<p>Thanks so much to start off with for your concern and opitions. They are always welcome !<p>I don't think my husband will ever take any blame for our marriage being in the condition it's in without some kind of professtional help. He use to tell people when we first split that I would'nt go to counseling. I go every week, he's yet so show any interest at all.<p>I am trying very hard to prepare myself, my children and our lives togeather for however this turns out, so we'll be ready, one way or the other.<p>Journal, yes I write it dailey, and then burn it the next day. Why, because if he were to find it and read it, it would only add fuel to the fire.<p>
ThornedRose,<p>Yes, I have been working on myself, and have been making changes. Maybe that part of the anger I feel also. Again I'm doing all the work and he's doing nothing.<p>How do you get them to first accept that they played a part in the distruction of the marriage, and then get help to help them change ?<p>The way you explained it all as a work related issue is maybe a way I should put it to him in a letter of course.<p>We don't speak, yet ! We have lived separately since September 22nd this year. He's been a very angry person through all of this. First not talking at all for the first month and a half. Now he's writting these short letter, first very abbusive but he now seems to be softing up some. For now I don't want to talk to him, letter are just fine for now.<p>Thanks for all your advise and time, believe me it's really appreciated.<p>Thanks so much all,<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
Debby-How do you get them to first accept that they played a part in the distruction of the marriage, and then get help to help them change ?<p>TR-You can't..You can't 'make' them do or accept anything..all you can do is work on you, and admit what you did and apologize and ask forgiveness for those things and also forgive yourself...you do this for you..Not for him..but YOU..It will help you move forward..it won't make things easier emotionally because you still feel the hurt and betrayed..but they are your feelings..so you work on those..Pray a lot..ask God to help heal you emotionally..something that I have come to realize is I hurt less, when I focus on God..and not my stbxh..or anyone else..and what they are doing..or not doing..because when we put so much attention to what the op is doing or isn't doing..we are putting them before God..and making them an idol in our lives..because we want them to make us feel better..when God wants to work on the OP..and US!!
God is the only one who can work in your husbands heart..You can pray that God will put Christians in his path that are open to God's leading..<p>Debby-The way you explained it all as a work related issue is maybe a way I should put it to him in a letter of course.<p>TR- I'm glad you understood that..I was trying to make it a word picture most ppl can relate to..<p>Debby-We don't speak, yet ! We have lived separately since September 22nd this year. He's been a very angry person through all of this. First not talking at all for the first month and a half. Now he's writting these short letter, first very abbusive but he now seems to be softing up some. For now I don't want to talk to him, letter are just fine for now.<p>TR- Actually, IMHO since he's the WS and writing to you even in anger..this is a GOOD SIGN!! And you have a wonderful opportunity here to really help him..(I am speaking from the WS perspective
and did the same thing, and so maybe I can share with you something that would have made a world of difference for me) and it's basically the same thing you are looking for from him..Validation of your feelings..that his actions hurt you..so I'd suggest..you go through his e-mails..and reply to them..take your time and don't just lash back in anger..think about what you would want said to you..and respond in the same way..<p>You know, Honey, Your right, I did do that..and I am sorry that it hurt you..When you said/did such and such..I was really hurt and I lashed back in anger and I was wrong to do that..can you forgive me?<p>This validates his feelings of hurt..and allows him to see that you were hurt too..and hopefuly he will respond back the same way to you validating how his actions/words hurt you..<p>And you can ask to meet him say for lunch or dinner, so that you can talk..share with him things you are learning here..about emotional needs..and how you are learning that we all have these needs..and how we've both failed to meet these needs in each other..and you'd like to see if you can work on this together..<p>I don't know your story and if he had an affair or not..but, for now if he did put that on the back burner..and try to focus on the things that were missing in the marriage..and try to heal through some of those things first..because the affair itself wasn't the problem..it was a symptom of the problems and how he chose to deal with them..<p>my stbx turned to alcohol, porn, and work..I turned to someone else..I needed someone w/ skin on-- others turn to food, tv, sports, games, bars whatever..but everyone has a vice they turn to when they aren't getting those needs met..and talking doesn't seem to be doing any good..<p>I am reading a book that talks about communicating using word pictures to get your point across so that the other person can understand what you mean..I used one when talking about the co-worker and anger..maybe you can try something like that..to help him understand what your feeling inside..(but if your husband is like stbx..it will go right over his head, I tried the direct approach, I tried word pictures and he just ignored it both ways)..but hopefully, he's not..and will be able to understand..

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
S
surmay Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
Thanks again for your help and advise ThornedRose. I'm gonna think about what I'm gonna do and I'll get back to you.<p>Debby<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
S
surmay Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 51
^


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5