I am so mad at my stbx right now I just called him and chewed him out on his answering machine. I no I have no control over his behavior but today his behavior just makes me want to scream!<p>I need to get this out and then calm down for an important job interview I have in one hour.<p>Ok here's what happened. My stbx had children the entire week last week. From Friday before the Thanksgiving holiday until Monday. He took them to school on Monday. He had them a total of 11 days! I told him my YS has a very important test to study for. I put the test in my son's overnight bag. He's 9 years old BTW. Then right before I left for my trip I called and told him again how very important it is for him to study for this test.<p>I thought it was all taken care of. I was wrong. I should have known. Of course this is expected from a guy who went to the school and asked the teachers if the children could be exempted from studying for test, projects and homework on the nights and weekends he has them. PUHLEEESE!<p>Also, I should of known better to not expect much! Afterall, when we were together I had a meeting once a month I had to attend for the neighborhood. I would ask him to help the children with their homework, make sure they got in bed by 9:00. I would come home around 9:30 p.m., they often would be playing games with their dad, no homework done, no baths taken, no teeth brushed, often didn't eat dinner, etc. My husband would be mad because I was mad. He would say, "I thought it was more important we spend quality time together. What does it hurt for one night for them not to do homework, take baths or go to bed early?" His only night to be responsible and he couldn't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>So anyway, last night at 9:00 I was putting the boys to bed. The YS said "Oh yea I need to study for my test." I said when is it, he said "I don't know but this week." So I said "Well, we will review in the morning before school." This was my statement because I thought his father and him had been studying all week! <p>This morning we start reviewing, when I learn he and his dad didn't go over one word of this test!!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Why can't he be more responsible? Now also of course I told my son this was his responsibility too, he should have studied for this test. However, this test is in Social Studies and my son has a reading disability. I knew he needed an adult to read these to him! <p>Well, I am mad, my son needed last week to study for this test, it's an important test. I did find out the test is this Friday so there is still time to study, but instead of the "A" he should get I know he'll squeek by with only two nights left to study. <p>When I had them all the time, I knew not to depend on my husband for things that required responsibility but now that I don't have them all the time, I find it frustrating. VERY FRUSTRATING!<p>So I LBed big time this morning. I don't want my husband back but I still try to use the things on MB to get along with him as the father of my children. Anyway I called him up and left a message on his answering machine, my voice was shaking and almost crying and it showed my anger. here's part of what I said, "Thanks so much for being so incredibly responsible with YS and helping him study for such an important test! I appreciate this so much. Things just don't change do they! You don't change ever do you! Why do I even think you can be responsible? Why do I think you will ever make an effort! This was an important test and he had all week and not one word was studied!"<p>I am sure I will regret these words but I just am so mad at him.<p>Well, I didn't stop there though. I then (shouldn't have but did) call the school and left a message on the teachers voice mail. My son has not once brought home a library book all year. His teacher expects him to fill out a reading log of books he read. My son has a special class for his reading disability, this class is during the time he should be at the library once a week. I have asked his teacher several times to make sure my son gets his book during the week. I have even had to take him to the public library to get new books for him because the school is not doing their job and making sure my son goes to their library. I was tired of being nice about him not getting to go to the library. Why is it we have to get mean or at least so frustration to get what is needed sometimes for our children? I called his teacher and said, of course again with a shaky voice, "S has yet to go to the library. I have asked several times nicely and now I'm telling you, I want my son to come home with a library book today. I do not want to have to call again and ask this. You give him a reading log to complete, well it's time he gets books to read. Please take care of this." I am sure I should have waited to call but then again school has been going on here for 15 weeks! Why hasn't my son got one library book in 15 weeks? If I would have waited, I probably would have been nice and then what. Same thing. No book. I have a feeling my son will have a library book tonight. Who knows? Maybe the complaining I did with S's father will make him mad at me but then again maybe next time S will study for that test! Geez I hate getting upset over things I have no control over!<p>Okay, well I am finished venting and rambling. I will now get ready for my important job interview. Oh dang, I hope this crankiness doesn't show in the interview!<p>Thanks for reading my vent.<p>ANNA

{{{{{{{{{Anna}}}}}}}}}<p>Hand all those burdens over to God. Take some deep breaths and find a smidgen of peace and tranquility to take with you to the interview. Take care.

Hi all,<p>Just to let everyone know, the interview was cancelled. The person I needed to meet with today called in work absent. So the interview is rescheduled. This is really a blessing for me because I worried about my mood.<p>Thanks lonesome heart and you are right to just get peace with this and put what I can't control in God's hands.<p>Take care all,<p>ANNA

Anna,<p>I am so sorry you are so frustrated at this..I do understand and empathize..It's apparent that education isn't as important to your stbx as it is to you..and I know this can be VERY frustrating..
Especially when it's not 'his' education but the education of your children..<p>Do you have books at the house for YS to read? Doesn't matter if he has read them 20 times..have him read them again. Sounds like a great Christmas gift to me..get him some books for the house..so when he doesn't get to go to the library then he has his own books..If you lived near me I'd let you borrow some that I have..for all ages from Dr. Suess, to Frank Peretti..Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Latin, German, Math, Electronics, Westerns.
When I buy me a new book I buy each of my kids a new book..and since I LOVE to read..they have lots and lots of books..(I even found a book store that had them on sale..buy 1 get 4 free..so I came home w/ 16 new books one day..LOL) I had one the kids each had 5..and they have read most all of them already..they love to read..(I need a room built to make a library)<p>Find out what things your son is interested in..and buy him books on those topics..he'll be more inclinded to try harder..which will help him w/ the disability..<p>If you can go to a used book store and buy some, go to yard sales and look for them..I know of one book store here that has a cash/trade policy..when you take books to him he gives you a discount on the books you buy..or if they would sell at the same price as the one your getting he'll just trade outright..Call around to some of the used book stores in your area and see if they have anything like that. <p>And as far as the test goes..just do what you can..to help him get prepared..but don't get mad and frustrated at YS, for not doing as well as he could have..even though he knew he has a test and could have also studied some on his own..because it is also his responsibility to do what HE can to be prepared for his test..even if it's just reading a little bit..it would show at least an effort on his part that he is trying..and the way I look at that..as long as they try and do all they can do..then they have succeeded..<p>And if he gets a lower grade than the A, praise him for how he did..don't say..You could have done better had your dad helped you study..even though you know he would have..just know that YOU did all you could do to help him be prepared..and that is what he will remember..Mom cared about how we did in school..Mom cared that I did well in school..Mom cared enough to help me study for an important test..which tells your son..Mom loves me enough to want me to do my best..I am worthy..I'm smart because mom has shown me I am smart enough to do this..I can overcome anything because Mom taught me how..<p>You are doing a wonderful job with your kids..
Just try not to worry about what stbxh did or didn't do..because he knows that you will do it..
you will help your kids study because it's important to you..and stbx knows this..Your the responsible parent..so why should he be?? <p>he wants to be the fun disneyland dad when they are with him..because he thinks this will make him more lovable in their eyes..they will like me more because I don't make them study, I don't make them do chores, I don't make them do whatever..so because I have no set rules to go by they will want to live with me and/or beg mom to take me back so we can do this all the time, and I will never have to be responsible for anything because wife/mom does it all..and I don't have to grow up
and be responsible..<p>And how did the interview go??

Thanks TR,<p>I should of known I could count on you to bring me back down to earth. <p>Regarding the books. I bought him some books and I have also taken him to the public library too. I do need to replinish the supplies some more. It's just so frustrating when he goes 15 weeks and not once has he had the opportunityt to go to his own school library. If it were just every now and then I could handle that easier but it's not fair for him. He loves going to the school library and checking out books. <p>Your right about the test too. You know what, I have never once criticized STBX in front of the kids, but today I can no longer say this. I was so mad this morning, I told son, "When will your father grow up?" Boy was this a mistake. Lesson learned, and thanks for reminding me. <p>I do think it's a little of wanting the kids to see he's fun, but I think it's more of being lazy. I think he just doesn't want to do work. He's lazy. Doesn't matter though because I can't control it, I just need to accept it.<p>Thanks again, you made some EXCELLENT points as always!<p>Love,<p>ANNA<p>P.S. All those books you talked about, I do have, he's just read them and hates rereading books.<p>[ November 28, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

My, my, you sound so controlling! wanting your kids to do well! wanting your X to be responsible the way you are! sarcasm dripping off of every word! now that i have typed that initial, irresponsible, inappropriate response, i apologize for it. . . . . real message to follow:<p>Welcome to the world of irresponsible X's
that is why they becomes X's, remember?<p>Welcome to the world of less control, or more appropriately, less parental influence.
Welcome to the world of divorce solving some problems and creating a whole new world of more and different problems.<p>The problems you had with your X with kids do not go away with divorce, instead the problems mostly get worse because the more responsible partner loses his/her influence on the less responsible spouse. <p>If you read through alot of my posts of my frustrations with my X, most of my frustrations are similar to yours, and i use the board the same way. My issues may be different, but the process of letting go is very slow process that takes time, and the longer the marriage, the longer it takes. (BTW, one should not seriously partner date until this frustration and letting go process has finished.)<p>That being said, the high road is to allow the less responsible parent to be less responsible, and be the responsible parent to show your kids the distinctly different parenting message. The messages that you were trying to send to the kids were partially scrambled by the influences of your X. (that was and still is my biggest battle, and part of the reason that my X chose to run away from me.) These messages are confusing to the kids. Now, take the opportunity and time to show your kids your way, and let them learn the differences between the lifestyles. Alot of kids will eventually pick the more responsible parent. . . . but not always.<p>and given their age, it takes time for the kids to figure out the differences in the messages, and then decide which parent they want to live with.<p>Now, i have a similar, irresponsible parental X, and it is very frustrating for me to watch my 9 yo d pick a flute as a musical instrument. when she came to my house for the first weekend after she picked it, she started fighting with me about having to practice, she would blow 3 notes, and then ask if 30 minutes was up. so then i sat with her, and in a few minutes she had mastered her scale, and was beaming. She wanted to play the flute everywhere she went, including while we were driving. . . .<p>she only practices ocassionally at her mom's house, the next weekend i had her, she started up with the fight against me, trying to make the 30 minutes go by faster without blowing many notes. . . her mom encourages in words. . . but not with actions. . . . and i talked with her early last night, and she hadn't practiced since sunday, and had her mom's excuses to not practice tuesday night.<p>There is little i can do, and as a very determined person, having been married to a very drifter type of person, I get very frustrated, as the message by the other parent does not teach responsibility, or pathways to success for when one wants to be successful. <p>I just have her practice her 30 minutes, and try to get her excited when she is with me. a good example: 9 yo daughter now does pumpkins completely by herself, (only at my house, X does not do pumpkins or dressing upfor Halloween) and she wanted to practice one this year before Halloween, so i helped her, but i had her do it, i gave only verbal help, did not give her an easy out, but gave her coping skills. When she cut her final pumpkin, and then i worked hard with the pictures, and worked hard at her mom's house to fix the printer, remember? Well, she won first place in the pumpkin carving contest!<p>She was so excited, and so she is slowly realizing the differences between us as parents, but she is too young to choose whom to live with, and X has too many guilt trips on them when we switch weekends, (i get really irritated at Xs that choose divorce to solve problems, and then don't support the divorce agreement that they wanted and agreed to, by using guilt with the kids to stay with her during my time, especially in public in front of the kids peers and other parents! that really irritates me!!! )<p>so take the high road, practice ignoring the X, and practice teaching your kids personal responsibility and show your kids what it means to be less responsible through failure in their way. (I have a hard time with that, especially when the X always has excuses to justify failure so that she is never responsible.)<p>I have a very hard time with those lessons, but i am slowly learning, albeit from a distance, but this is the legacy of divorce. . . . . <p>good luck,
peace,<p>alot of us here are in your shoes,
and it does suck big time, you just have a whole new environment to adjust to, and your kids to adjust to.<p>wiftty

Wifty,<p>First, how is counseling going for you? I would have asked earlier but you pretty much told everyone if we disagree with you, you don't want to hear it. So I decided fine by me.<p>My responses are appended through yours.<p>My, my, you sound so controlling! wanting your kids to do well! wanting your X to be responsible the way you are! sarcasm dripping off of every word! now that i have typed that initial, irresponsible, inappropriate response, i apologize for it. . . . . real message to follow:
<p>Wow! This statement does not surprise me. Tom don't you realize how vendictive this statement sounds? Is this how you talk to people, ex's, children? You are right it's not appropriate. It also shows you do not handle critisism well. Can't you see the bitterness, anger and sarcasm in you. There's a difference in a vent every now and then and the hatred and control you feel for your wife. BIG difference.<p>
Welcome to the world of irresponsible X's
that is why they becomes X's, remember?
<p>Of course this is the real world, but I recognize these things are out of my control. I do not hate my stbx for these things.<p>
Welcome to the world of [b] less control, or more appropriately, less parental influence.
Welcome to the world of divorce solving some problems and creating a whole new world of more and different problems.
[/b]<p>Of course again, I am sure there will be problems. Maybe not more, some different, some the same.<p>
The problems you had with your X with kids do not go away with divorce, instead the problems mostly get worse because the more responsible partner loses his/her influence on the less responsible spouse.
<p>I never controlled my husband before the divorce. Here's the big difference. I knew I couldn't make him help with the kids. The thing I need to adjust to now, is when they are gone for many days, they may not get their homework done. I will work this out though, and I will not continue to be angry and bitter at the things I can not change.<p>
If you read through alot of my posts of my frustrations with my X, most of my frustrations are similar to yours, and i use the board the same way. My issues may be different, but the process of letting go is very slow process that takes time, and the longer the marriage, the longer it takes. (BTW, one should not seriously partner date until this frustration and letting go process has finished.)
<p>I disagree you don't use the board the same way. The board gives you advice often and you don't seem to take it. For instance, TR's advice, was excellent advice. I didn't come back to TR and say "but TR husband does this and husband does that and I need to put him in his place from time to time. I try hard to take productive critisism well. TR was so right on the things she said. I listened and I will do better with the way I handled things this morning. I'm sorry to say this Tom but I only see you opposing the words of advice people give you.<p>Tom, I see people on here like HurtTired, Persistent, Surmay, ohmygosh the list could go on and on. Most of the people on MB are humble people, they listen to critisisms, they take advice, they make changes. I admire them so much. I try hard to do the same. <p>I also see a lot of new people who take a few beatings before they "get it". I just think you've been here for a lot longer than me and it's just time you "get it". <p>I do think a good vent is great, if you use it to your advantage. You seem to want justification and sympathy with your vents. I vented, I got out my anger, and now I am going to work on solving the problem without controlling another person. I don't want justification, again, I loved the advice TR gave me, I wouldn't mind lots more advice just like that.<p>On dating. I'm ready to date, but I do appreciate your advice on that.<p>
That being said, the high road is to allow the less responsible parent to be less responsible, and be the responsible parent to show your kids the distinctly different parenting message. The messages that you were trying to send to the kids were partially scrambled by the influences of your X. (that was and still is my biggest battle, and part of the reason that my X chose to run away from me.) These messages are confusing to the kids. Now, take the opportunity and time to show your kids your way, and let them learn the differences between the lifestyles. Alot of kids will eventually pick the more responsible parent. . . . but not always.
<p>I don't want my children choosing the responsible parent. I want them choosing both parents. They need both parents. They need to respect both parents. Whether he is irresponsible or not, I know he has good qualities as a father. I hope they will get the good qualities I have and then also take the good qualities he has, along with their own great qualities and grow into even better human beings than both parents are.<p>I know your ex as a mother has good qualities too. You continue to look at her bad side. You are angry because she left you and you are almost saying she is the worse mother/person on the face of the earth. You need to forgive her and find these good qualities. I just hope you are not cutting their mother down all the time to your children. Instead, show admiration for things she does that are correct. Your children will grow up to be healthier for this.<p>I can not do a thing about this past week and not studying for a test. However, I plan to try to handle this diplomatically now that I screwed up. I am going to go back to MB ways, I am going to write a letter of apology to stbx for not handling the situation well and being so upset over the phone. Then I plan to ask him if he can give me suggestions on how we can solve problems of homework together in the future.<p>Perhaps he'll tell me he don't want to be part of this homework thing, but if he does I will live with that. I will try very hard to not love bust again. This is important to the children and *I* just screwed up.<p>
and given their age, it takes time for the kids to figure out the differences in the messages, and then decide which parent they want to live with.
<p>If my children ever decided to live with the fun parent when they are old enough to choose. I will not stand in their way. I can't see this happening. I can already see they like and respect the boundaries I have set at home for them. They need these and OS who is 12 has pointed out that he knows how much he needs these. However, if my 12 year old decides to live with dad. I know the courts may say he's old enough and allow this, so what can I do. I'll accept it and when he falls on his face, I won't be there to tell him "I told you so." I'll be there to tell him, "Everyone fails but you have to fail sometimes in order to succeed in life." Then I'll accept him back with open arms. I just plan to take that one day at a time if it happens.

Now, i have a similar, irresponsible parental X, and it is very frustrating for me to watch my 9 yo d pick a flute as a musical instrument. when she came to my house for the first weekend after she picked it, she started fighting with me about having to practice, she would blow 3 notes, and then ask if 30 minutes was up. so then i sat with her, and in a few minutes she had mastered her scale, and was beaming. She wanted to play the flute everywhere she went, including while we were driving. . . .
<p>That is excellent Tom. I would be proud if it were me too. I'm glad you also saw it was important for her to pick the instrument she wanted, she is an individual.

she only practices ocassionally at her mom's house, the next weekend i had her, she started up with the fight against me, trying to make the 30 minutes go by faster without blowing many notes. . . her mom encourages in words. . . but not with actions. . . . and i talked with her early last night, and she hadn't practiced since sunday, and had her mom's excuses to not practice tuesday night.
<p>You and I both agree on rewards for children. A suggestion might be to tell her if she practices so many times and you see improvement when she comes to your house you will give her "x" treat for this. <p>Here's one thing I plan to change when sons go to their father's house and have homework. I plan to tell older son if he helps younger son with homework, he will get a reward when he gets home. I plan to tell younger son, if he reminds older son to help him with homework and he finishes, he too will get a reward when he gets home. Also, if homework is not done, I will tell younger son, he will be ground that week from playing outside and TV. I can't control ex in this matter but I can sure do something about this.

There is little i can do, and as a very determined person, having been married to a very drifter type of person, I get very frustrated, as the message by the other parent does not teach responsibility, or pathways to success for when one wants to be successful.
<p>Yep Tom, you can't control her. There is very little, but I think you are working against yourself by having all this bitterness about your wife. Use some of the things you learned about LB's and also the things you learned about her personality to get more cooperation. <p>From the things you told me, you said you actually told your ex how to talk to you about things. How you want responses from her. You have said you get angry because you've told her how she should respond to you and she still doesn't. This is the wrong attitude. MB is not about you changing her but about changing you instead. <p>Try this for a couple of months. Be cooperative with X. As one example during soccer season she says she doesn't understand why she doesn't get a schedule and you do. I realize your coach and all. However, just cooperate and say, "I'll try to make sure they know both of us need a schedule, or I'll get you a copy and email it to you write away." Then get her copies of everything, whether she uses these or not. <p>Ask for her help with this problem or that problem. Make her feel she is smart and did help you. Don't LB, if she doesn't respond the way you like, just be nice and learn how she likes you to respond. <p>These are the things I've been doing with stbx. It's been working too. However, this morning I goofed. I admit it. I also admit I knew some people may straighten me out on here. This is what I was lookin' for. Funny but as soon as I read TR's first sentence about understanding and sympathizing, I braced myself for the cruel truth! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
I just have her practice her 30 minutes, and try to get her excited when she is with me. a good example: 9 yo daughter now does pumpkins completely by herself, (only at my house, X does not do pumpkins or dressing upfor Halloween) and she wanted to practice one this year before Halloween, so i helped her, but i had her do it, i gave only verbal help, did not give her an easy out, but gave her coping skills. When she cut her final pumpkin, and then i worked hard with the pictures, and worked hard at her mom's house to fix the printer, remember? Well, she won first place in the pumpkin carving contest!
<p>Excellent again, she did it all by herself. Her accomplishment. Great.<p>
She was so excited, and so she is slowly realizing the differences between us as parents, but she is too young to choose whom to live with, and X has too many guilt trips on them when we switch weekends, (i get really irritated at Xs that choose divorce to solve problems, and then don't support the divorce agreement that they wanted and agreed to, by using guilt with the kids to stay with her during my time, especially in public in front of the kids peers and other parents! [b] that really irritates me!!! )<p>Nothing you can do about that, other than I have a feeling you LB so much with your ex it is backfiring on you and you are getting no cooperation from her.<p>I am getting some cooperation from my stbx, but only when I don't LB. I knew this but LBed anyway.<p>
so take the high road, practice ignoring the X, and practice teaching your kids personal responsibility and show your kids what it means to be less responsible through failure in their way. (I have a hard time with that, especially when the X always has excuses to justify failure so that she is never responsible.)
<p>Good advice. I hope you take this advice also. Are you ignoring her? <p>
I have a very hard time with those lessons, but i am slowly learning, albeit from a distance, but this is the legacy of divorce. . . . .
<p>Yep<p>good luck and peace back at ya!

alot of us here are in your shoes,
and it does suck big time, you just have a whole new environment to adjust to, and your kids to adjust to.
<p>Yes adjusting is hard, but taking out the anger, bitterness and resentment will make it easy. It can be a very slow process but I think the process can be bumped up if we open our minds. We are all human though and need to know we all make mistakes. We just need to learn from these, pick ourselves back up and try again.<p>Take care Tom and thanks for your response.<p>ANNA

Anna,<p>yes, there is still anger at my X for continually being an irresponsible parent in my eyes, and her continual excuses to justify her position, and her lack of parenting. She has displayed this lack of parenting by leaving an 8/9 year old child who is too sick to go to school, home alone while she goes to work. This is against DSS rules, and i could drop a dime on her. Especially after she told me that i am a better parent, that I teach the kids better than she does, and she outright refuses to seek the best education for our kids, even though she is a teacher. And I regret that i didn't drag her [censored] through court with the amount of disrespect and excuses i get, after i was fair and open up front with all the negotiations, and i did what she asked me to do. Then she changed her stance at the end, and she said she wanted more, more time and more money, with the only excuse that it was in the best interest of the kids. Nothing more than that. Yes, she pisses me off royally, and continues to do such, and I have to speak up respectfully, or she will assume that if i don't say anything, I have agreed through my not disagreeing.<p>1) don't assume that because I LB and vent here, that i do this in front of kids and to X. I do LB since there is no more love to spare, and yes, i have made a couple of mistakes. However, very few, and because I have the opportunity to vent here, i very seldom LB to her. I have LB, especially when i get attacked for following our agreement, with no such provocation. In front of the kids, I got called all kinds of names, yelled at, etc, when I came to pick up kids for my vacation that we had agreed upon. Later, she said her behavior was ok because she didn't understand.<p>2) I can not control her, but i can control and speak up for myself. What is the difference between your saying, "I don't have to take this verbal abuse and you hang up the phone, " and my saying "I don't accept your blaming me for your problems. . . . if you wish for me to listen, this is how i will continue conversing with you" and then leaving when X continues disrespectful judgements?<p>I am speaking up for how i am to be treated, and if one can't accept it, then i will leave. I inform people on what i will accept and what i will not accept. One gets what they accept, and i do not accept disrespectful judgements.<p>how is this wrong?<p>3) be careful not to make the older sibling take on a parental role, that is not a good idea. it makes kids take on more responsibility than they should, making them a parental figure when they should be children.<p>4) When i say choose a parent, i should be more clear to say choose the better parental values. Your kids can't choose to be both responsible and irresponsible. Your kids have to choose one or the other, and so which would you like them to choose? Our kids would be exceptional if they would just choose the good qualities of each parent, and ignore the bad.<p>5) i do not get cooperation because she is now free, and does not have to agree with me about anything. she looked at POJA as control. if that is the case, there is not much sense in a marriage. <p>6) so, believe me, i do get it, i get it very well, and i see way too much that i don't like and can't control, so i vent here. so it is very hard to be a responsible dad when one has very little time to exercise the responsibilities, and have to deal with an X who doesn't know how to stand up to kids who play one parent against the other.<p>peace<p>wiftty

Wiffty, Thanks again for posting. <p>I am reading every word you say and taking it to heart.<p>The main difference in me not accepting verbal abuse, such as name calling, and you not accepting disrespectful judgement from what I can see is our views are different on what is acceptable and not acceptable in conversation.<p>You get angry at reactions that aren't disrespectful judgement just opinion. For instance, because your stbx doesn't answer a question with yes or no, you think this is disrespectful to you. It's not. Another example, regarding the vehicle, that's wasn't disrespect, maybe a little rude but you blew it all out of perportion. All spouses can say things like that, and most spouses hearing this will respond and say something to the affect "That's not why I said this." Then they let it go. You seem to dwell on these small human errors. Same thing with the printer, you dwelled on her reaction and claimed disrespect when it wasn't. It was just you not getting reactions you want.<p>You seem to have a mixed up view regarding another person's opinion verses disrespectful behavior. Your wife is not a child. She does not have to behave the way you want her too. Through your post you treat her like a child. You judge her harshly. I think she's a better parent than you give her credit for. Sorry that's my opinion!<p>If you don't want to cooperate fine. If you don't want to compromise fine too. Then you need to accept that you are not ever going to get her to see your views if you never see any of her views. <p>Being in relationships, even just parental relationships with ex's means give and take. If you don't give, don't expect her to either. You can then come on here and vent, but you won't get sympathy from me.<p>You said you think you have to speak up so your ex will know you don't agree with how she's raising the children. Is this helping or making it worse? I'd bet she backs off and becomes the oposite of what you want just to show you she's not going to be told by you she's wrong. So this is making things worse for you, not better. This is not helping the children either.<p>Okay, for two months Tom, change your attitude towards your ex. Do it as an experiment. Be nice, cordial, cooperative and try compromising with her. Just see if things can change. <p>Come on MB, give examples of what's going on with your spouse now. See if there are ways you can change some of your wife's attitude toward you. Get and take in advice given on how to react to your wife. Also, let go of this anger and bitterness and find ways to forgive her for the things you hate about her. <p>Also, same with the children, give examples of what you said, they said and take advice to make changes.<p>You said she left your 8/9 year old. I'm assuming she's almost 9 alone sick at home. I don't know how you handled this but here's a good way I think I would have handled it. I would have said in a nice, respectful tone, "When D is sick, I know it's hard to miss work, I can take off work and would love it if you allow me to take D when she's sick." Now, maybe because your relationship right now with D's mother is so poor she might say "No thanks." However, this is my point of why you need a better relationship. You are making no effort towards this. This isn't about your stubborness to not want to make an effort, this is about you needing to make an effort for your children's sake.<p>Also, if you don't want to hire a lawyer and drag her to court over the child support or over the time with children, then get over it. If you don't want to take legal steps then you are only hurting yourself by being mad at this. <p>If you have a legal document saying you get the kids on these days, don't worry about what she thinks. Take the kids your days, you have legal back up. <p>Again, another reason to try to gain her respect back again. You need to give her some kindness and respect as the mother of your children or she isn't going to cooperate with you at all.<p>I am learning when I cooperate and make compromises with stbx regarding the children. This gets me a lot of extra things from him. For instance, if I need them to stay with him longer or I need him to stay with him less, he allows this.<p>Regarding your advice on my OS, you are right about that. I will have to watch this. He is not a parent and I need to be careful not to give him too many responsibilities. However, he does love to help his brother study and often ask me to let him help instead of me. I will make sure I give him rewards and take other responsibilities away during times he helps YS. <p>I do also love the relationship YS and OS has. They are so incredibly close. I don't want that to change, if I start seeing that giving him a job to help YS do homework will build resentment, I will take this responsibility away. So thanks for pointing this out. I appreciate it.<p>Take care and thanks for posting on my thread. We may not agree with everything Tom but I think both of us can combine our differences and really help each other build great relationships with the parents of our children and relationships with our children. <p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Hi all,<p>Just an update on the social studies test. THE TEST WAS TODAY! We went over it this morning and I drove him to school in the car so we could review on the way. Good thing too.<p>Anyway, son said he made an 83 and with the 5 extra points the teacher gives him for me signing the study guide and him turning it in, he got an 88. Whewwwwww!!!! <p>I hugged son and told him how very proud I was. <p>I learned a huge lesson in the future, I will not depend on STBX for studying or homework. I will need to find other ways. I guess I'll take it one homework at a time.<p>Take care and thanks for the advice.<p>ANNA

The main difference in me not accepting verbal abuse, such as name calling, and you not accepting disrespectful judgement from what I can see is our views are different on what is acceptable and not acceptable in conversation. <p>yes, that appears correct. I don't accept responsibility for other people's behavior when they project it onto me.<p> You get angry at reactions that aren't disrespectful judgement just opinion. For instance, because your stbx doesn't answer a question with yes or no, you think this is disrespectful to you. It's not. Another example, regarding the vehicle, that's wasn't disrespect, maybe a little rude but you blew it all out of perportion. All spouses can say things like that, and most spouses hearing this will respond and say something to the affect "That's not why I said this." Then they let it go. You seem to dwell on these small human errors. Same thing with the printer, you dwelled on her reaction and claimed disrespect when it wasn't. It was just you not getting reactions you want. <p>You seem to have a mixed up view regarding another person's opinion verses disrespectful behavior. Your wife is not a child. She does not have to behave the way you want her too. Through your post you treat her like a child. You judge her harshly. I think she's a better parent than you give her credit for. Sorry that's my opinion! [\b]<p>right, i am not getting conversation with someone who accepts personal responsibility for their actions, thoughts, and knowledge. counselor confirmed this in my counseling back one year ago.
and if i am to accept the projection of her responsibility, then i become her parent!<p>right again, she does not have to behave however i choose, and I don't have to accept her behavior, I can tell her i don't and walk, (but first i tell her what i will accept for her benefit) or as i did, i can say nothing, and help the kids. <p> Being in relationships, even just parental relationships with ex's means give and take. If you don't give, don't expect her to either. You can then come on here and vent, but you won't get sympathy from me. <p>i give plenty, if you read, i gave up too much being nice, and didn't get anything back. never again with that woman, with selfish people, they continually take.<p> You said you think you have to speak up so your ex will know you don't agree with how she's raising the children. Is this helping or making it worse? I'd bet she backs off and becomes the oposite of what you want just to show you she's not going to be told by you she's wrong. So this is making things worse for you, not better. This is not helping the children either. <p>Helpful, very helpful!! the last time i had to give her a piece of my mind, it helped tremendously, although she did not admit it to me, she finally apologized to son in front of me for being whishy washy, confusing, and unclear.<p> Okay, for two months Tom, change your attitude towards your ex. Do it as an experiment. Be nice, cordial, cooperative and try compromising with her. Just see if things can change.<p>Come on MB, give examples of what's going on with your spouse now. See if there are ways you can change some of your wife's attitude toward you. Get and take in advice given on how to react to your wife. Also, let go of this anger and bitterness and find ways to forgive her for the things you hate about her.<p>Also, same with the children, give examples of what you said, they said and take advice to make changes.<p>You said she left your 8/9 year old. I'm assuming she's almost 9 alone sick at home. I don't know how you handled this but here's a good way I think I would have handled it. I would have said in a nice, respectful tone, "When D is sick, I know it's hard to miss work, I can take off work and would love it if you allow me to take D when she's sick." Now, maybe because your relationship right now with D's mother is so poor she might say "No thanks." However, this is my point of why you need a better relationship. You are making no effort towards this. This isn't about your stubborness to not want to make an effort, this is about you needing to make an effort for your children's sake. <p>i did, she refused, her lawyer and she both argued that they would make me first right of refusal only if the judge said so. before that, everytime i took the kids when they were sick, they got mysteriously better very quickly, after being sick for a week at her house and no signs of getting better (the trick is proper health care - my mom is the school nurse, has been for 30 years) <p> Also, if you don't want to hire a lawyer and drag her to court over the child support or over the time with children, then get over it. If you don't want to take legal steps then you are only hurting yourself by being mad at this. <p>true, i was trying to be nice and accomodative, and it back fired. never, ever again. since i got screwed, and got less time, i have to make sure i get my time, as she constantly tries to manipulate the situation into less time with me. If that means i have to fight for it, then i have to fight for it.<p> If you have a legal document saying you get the kids on these days, don't worry about what she thinks. Take the kids your days, you have legal back up.<p>Again, another reason to try to gain her respect back again. You need to give her some kindness and respect as the mother of your children or she isn't going to cooperate with you at all. <p>i do cooperate, but i just don't need the yelling and screaming at me when i show up. I don't need the excuses of not understanding or knowing.<p>peace,<p>tom

Hi anna, hope you are doing better- I know how hard it can be to be married to an irresponsible spouse,,, or soon to be exspouse...<p>Good luck , hand it over, I heard a long time ago you can always start your day over at anytime. That helped me get through many bad times, by knowing I could start over fresh... once the bad things had happened..<p>I do not think you overreacted... but you may regret a bit... although I did hear your tone... sometimes wait a while when you get angry before acting... maybe make a deal with yourself that you will wait a certain amount of time before doing anything about the problem at hand... I know this is way easier sd than done. Good luck studying with your son for his test... it sounds like you just may have the conviction it takes to help him get that A!<p>Good luck! lisa [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Wiftty,<p>Sounds like you have all the answers so you don't need my help.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>Hi anna, hope you are doing better- I know how hard it can be to be married to an irresponsible spouse,,, or soon to be exspouse...<p>Good luck , hand it over, I heard a long time ago you can always start your day over at anytime. That helped me get through many bad times, by knowing I could start over fresh... once the bad things had happened..<p>I do not think you overreacted... but you may regret a bit... although I did hear your tone... sometimes wait a while when you get angry before acting... maybe make a deal with yourself that you will wait a certain amount of time before doing anything about the problem at hand... I know this is way easier sd than done. Good luck studying with your son for his test... it sounds like you just may have the conviction it takes to help him get that A!<p>Good luck! lisa [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Lisa,<p>Thanks for the advice. You are right, I need to take a few hours before I react or maybe even a day or two. This was not an emergency and could have waited until I thought of a rational way to deal with it.<p>c'ya,<p>ANNA

Anna, what about a star chart or something like that for things the boys need to do while they are at their dad's? That way they can have a list. Tell their father they have it - tell them they have it. And have a reward for getting everything done. Reward could be as small as ice cream for everyone. Game night. Anything special would work. Doesn't have to be huge.<p>And congratulations on that test score!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>Anna, what about a star chart or something like that for things the boys need to do while they are at their dad's? That way they can have a list. Tell their father they have it - tell them they have it. And have a reward for getting everything done. Reward could be as small as ice cream for everyone. Game night. Anything special would work. Doesn't have to be huge.<p>And congratulations on that test score!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks Cinderella, I have done this before and your right I need to get a new one going.<p>My younger son's grades are really high. Of course I want to keep it that way. It's my older son that is struggling more with grades, and have more concern about right now.<p>He has been struggling for years. He has a lot of sinus/alergy problems and he's tired all the time. His IQ is very high, he scores high on state test and so forth but as the years go on he scores lower and lower on report cards.<p>I think due to the divorce also, his grades are hurting.<p>The school district here is very strict. They pile on the homework, even lots of weekend homework. If you don't turn an assignment in on time, it is an automatic "0". He has turned in several late assignments, due to poor organizational skills, forgetting to bring home necessary materials, forgetting to take to school his homework, or not completing the assignment at all. His report card was really bad this last 6 weeks.<p>Anyway, I talked to his counselor today and she made alot of sense. I had resently grounded him for three weeks until his progress report. I wanted to see his grade improve substantially. She explained to me this was too overwhelming for him to meet this goal. She gave me a better suggestion of a day by day goal. It reminded me in some ways of Al-anon/AA theory of one day at a time. If he comes home and has his assignments written down, has his necessary materials and does his completed assignments then he can go out and play that day. If he brings home a bad grade then he can't. Just do it day to day. <p>I'm going to try this because I must admit for him the the long term punishment is not working.<p>Also, she suggested his self esteem is very low and needs to be brought up higher. I agree with her. His pressure has built substantially this year. I know I've been more impatient with him than usual. He tells me of a teacher who says, when he doesn't turn in his homework, "I should be paid double to have you in my class, you drive me nuts." Also, I have made some mistakes, I need to boost his confidence. I think we, as parents, sometimes accentuate the negative instead of the postitive. I know one thing for sure, my methods are not working with him and I need to make a 180 degree turn around.<p>I am also planning a meeting with all the teachers and his counselor to discuss this matter and to find ways to make him feel a success again.<p>Any suggestions from anyone is greatly appreciated.<p>Well, there's the latest.<p>c'ya,<p>ANNA

some suggestions:<p>a definate reward known ahead of time for a good report card:<p>All A's $100 or the outing of his choice with friends
!/2 A's 1/2 Bs $50 or a lesser outing, listed outing.
B average $25 or a single outing with one friend
C average $10 and a dinner out with mom.<p>OK, you get the idea, this example is for the conceptual idea. Last year, for 9 yo d 's good report card, she got to take 3 of her friends down to the laser tag place, and we played two games of laser tag and had pizza! they had a blast!<p>This year, we haven't figured out what to do yet.<p>Also, my 12 yo s could not spend any over nights unless he turned in all of his homework for two months. Then i had him take a form to school and have all the teachers sign it. He was very diligent, and was pissed when one of the teachers was not in that day! I still let him go. . . . .<p>set a time up for play, say, from home from school to dark he can play outside or with friends. From dark until bed, he has to study, and any topic he needs help with, you are available to help him.<p>that way, he learns studying structure.<p>TV is also a reward, on weekends only. <p>if the kid responds with any comment about other kids don't have to do this, you respond with "I don't care about other kids, I care about you!"<p>show enthusiasm about learning, and how you learn something new each day, and how you marvel at how impressed you are with big feats, such as astronauts going to the space station, and how much they had to study, <p>good books to read to your son are books about inventions, inventors, and the struggles that they went through to make their breakthrough.<p>I took the kids to Kitty Hawk last summer, and they learned that theWright brothers made over 1,000 practice flights and took them 4 years to perfect their plane. If the kids complain about 30 minutes of work, i remind them about the Wright brothers and how hard they worked.<p>good luck.<p>just make some goals attainable so their is some reward for trying and adhering to the structure. then make the rewards progressively grand but he must be able to get some rewards along the way. A counselor told me that i must make the rewards reasonable and attainable.<p>and i have done that. . . .<p>good luck/

Anna,<p>Give your Son a great big hug for me for that test score..that is wonderful..YEAH!!!<p>Now..for older son..how old is he? He sounds like my OD..same thing..it's gone on for years..not turning in assignments..even if she did them..I struggled just to get her to do them, did the write them down, have teachers and I both sign a form, she's lose the form...so last year..I quit..I told her she knows what her assignments are..she knows when they are due, if she does them fine if she doesn't she'll get zeros and she'll fail the choice is hers..she didn't believe me..
she'd failed 4th grade and they administratively passed her to 5th based on test scores..even though I went to the principle and asked her NOT to pass her, but they ignored my wishes so she learned they will pass her anyway because she does well on tests..so like I said..I QUIT..I quit saying anything to her about her assignments unless she asked for help..other than that I didn't say anything..didn't harp about her grades..asked her if she thinks she applied herself and did the best she can? she well, not really, I said, well,I am disappointed because I know how smart that you..and it hurts me to see you not even trying..she failed two classes last year..the teachers said send her to summer school, and she can do the work then and pass, OD was like yeah I'll go to summer school. I asked her how she planned on getting there because I work and can't leave work to take her and pick her up, so she'd have to walk or ride her bike..she looked at me like "I" was Nuts..LOL..I said well then I guess you just go back through it again next year huh?
she was like..well yeah I guess if you can't take me I'll have to..I said I'm sorry kiddo, but you knew what your assignments were, and you didn't do them..I can force you to do them like I have in the past but you didn't learn anything..so what did you learn about this? she said..that I can't just not do the work and expect to pass..I said..as long as you've learned something from it your growing and I'm proud of you..well..she's repeating the grade this year..making A's and B's..she's turning in ALL of her assignments plus extra credit work..the classes she's making B's in this year aren't the ones she failed last year..but one's she struggled in and made C's in last year..the one's she failed she's making A's in..and she's excited about learning..she's grasping things this year that she didn't before
because she learned something..that she can't just not do her work and expect to pass..she has to apply herself..<p>I told her I'm not mad at her for failing, disappointed yes, but mad no, she didn't fail me, she failed herself. I asked her how she feels about it..she said "I hate it, but you were right, I didn't apply myself, and I failed and it's not your fault I didn't do the work it's mine" I said,
"you know, I love you very much, and I know how smart you are, and I hurt to see you not even trying to do your best" just like now..I tell her how proud I am of her that she's doing so well, it shows me and everyone else that she's learning what we already knew..just how smart she really is..<p>You can continue punishing him for not doing his work..or you can allow him to face the consequences of his not doing his work..it doesn't make you as a parent look bad-<p>even though everyone told me how wrong I was, that I'd destroy her self-esteem, and that it would just devastate her emotionally- I didn't agree with them..because I knew for her the immediate consequences weren't working, and that this would teach her something that she will ALWAYS remember..so even though everyone thought I was wrong, I knew what was best for my daughter..
She's even got one of the same teachers this year that she failed last year..he's one that couldn't believe I wouldn't send her to summer school and said that it would destroy her emotionally..he told me recently..WOW, You really know your daughter - she's doing remarkable this year, she's came out of her shell is more outgoing, said by the way she acts you'd never know she failed..
I told him, "I'm very proud of her and she knows it, and she knows that I love her no matter if she makes straight A's or F's, she's learned that yes, mom will be disappointed if she fails..but as long as she does her best I'm proud of her..but I love her just the same..<p>the point being here is maybe the immediate consequences for your son won't work..but if you allow him to be responsible for his own work, his own grades..and let him suffer his own consequences for doing the work or not..and gain a greater respect for himself, by knowing that just because he doesn't make straight A's I am still loveable..and it's not that mom doesn't care, it's just that she's allowing him to learn his own lesson about responsibility..something he can take with him the rest of his life..

The tough part is balancing the two approaches, such that one learns what failure means, and that one learns what success means. both are very important learning concepts.<p>one more point to the mix, is to always be available to help out if they need help. . . .or have questions, etc.<p>and encourage them or let them know that you are always available to help if/when they need it.<p>good post
TR

Wiffty,<p>Thanks for your suggestions on the report card. Actually, I have had something in place similar like this for years already. <p>It's a little different but same idea. Although I do every 6 week rewards. I like short term rewards but a long term reward would be positive too. The kids have this guide hanging up on their wall. It's this.<p>for every A add $5.00<p>for every B add $3.00<p>for every C add $0.00<p>for every D deduct $2.00<p>for every F no money whatsoever<p>However, I like your plan better. Except, I will only change a few things on your plan for my family. I'll basically do $50.00 for A average and $40.00 for B average. Also, I will continue with the short term rewards too. For the 6 week report card, I'll go with $30.00 for A average $20.00 for B average and $0.00 for C or below average. This will also be a great way for my younger son to practice averaging now that he is getting older. THANKS!<p>Just FYI, the reason I won't do rewards C is just that average, this is easy to obtain, they get rewards for working hard and doing above average. They should strive for above average grades. Of course one or two C's on a report card to me is different than the report card averaging a "C". Although, that's an individual thing, depends on the child and also I'm not saying giving money for C average is a good or bad thing, because it isn't either good or bad, just more of an individual preference.<p>
OK, you get the idea, this example is for the conceptual idea. Last year, for 9 yo d 's good report card, she got to take 3 of her friends down to the laser tag place, and we played two games of laser tag and had pizza! they had a blast!
<p>Well, this is good too. My son loves lazer quest, I will tell him if he likes he can take his money and we can go to lazer quest also. Kind of giving him a picture of what fun he can have with his money.

This year, we haven't figured out what to do yet.

I bet it's fun brain storming though!<p>
Also, my 12 yo s could not spend any over nights unless he turned in all of his homework for two months. Then i had him take a form to school and have all the teachers sign it. He was very diligent, and was pissed when one of the teachers was not in that day! I still let him go. . . . .

Good for you that you let him go. I often hear cases where the school teachers or faculty are so set in their ways and rules, they don't use logical thinking.

set a time up for play, say, from home from school to dark he can play outside or with friends. From dark until bed, he has to study, and any topic he needs help with, you are available to help him.

Tried this, for younger son it works, for older son it was a nightmare. He has chronic sinusitus. He's had two surgeries but still many problems. He can't sleep well at night and by the time he plays out side he is too tired to do homework and the problem of getting it done becomes worse. I just had to make adjustments though and now I think I'll consider a little more adjustment since it gets dark by 6:00 here now. I think I'll do one hour of play or relaxation time, then homework, then play inside when it is finished. That may work better.

that way, he learns studying structure.

yep, that is very important to set timelines and schedules.

TV is also a reward, on weekends only.

I allow for TV on weekdays but this is an indivual choice. They rarely watch tv weekends or weekdays but they do like to have the tv on for 30 minutes to watch their favorite show every day. It's great though because often they are busy and miss it.

if the kid responds with any comment about other kids don't have to do this, you respond with "I don't care about other kids, I care about you!"

Do this already...My older son is so perceptive he makes me proud. He realizes that I care about him and he says it makes him sad when other parents don't get involved with his friends lives. <p>ohhh one quick proud story too. One day waiting in line a child around 11 was acting so immature and using inappropriate behavior. The son asked "Can I have this thing?" Father, "No, we aren't buying anything." Son, "How about this." Father again, "No." Son continued, father said, "We are going to CC's Pizza we aren't getting any treats." Son continued with more whininess in his voice now. Father starts getting irritated. The son just had to buy anything no matter what it was, with this son said, "Well then how about a drink." Father yelling almost at this point, "NO! We will get one at CC's." Father finally said, "Ok fine if you shutup you can get the d*** drink."<p>Son looked at me while this was going on and raised his eyebrow. On the way out the door, son says, "Mom about that bratty kid in the store. You would have cut me off before I got that bratty and said, "No treats here, no CC's pizza either, and you would have taken me home, without either." I worried a little about his answer to my question but asked it anyway, "Well, are you saying you want me to be more like his dad and give in?" He said, "NO WAY! That kid made me see why you take away privledges. The way his dad handled it was wrong too." I am tooting my horn here but boy did I walk with pride that day!

show enthusiasm about learning, and how you learn something new each day, and how you marvel at how impressed you are with big feats, such as astronauts going to the space station, and how much they had to study,
<p>I agree about showing enthusiasm regarding learning. Also, be careful not to give your children the wrong impression that you are only impressed by huge success stories. They may feel the only way to get your respect and love is if they become one of these people you look up too. This is too much pressure for them. There are every day people, teachers, firefighters, nurses, doctors, caregivers, police officers, stay at home mothers, that are JUST as successful as the astronaut going into space. I even put some of these great people on the same level as the Wright brothers and other historical persons. I know you are grinding your teeth right now. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Instiling in our children, being a successful person does not necessarily mean the great prestigious job we hold but how well we do the job we choose, is very, very important. I try to instill into my children if one chooses to be a scientist or successful entrepreneur, and the other wants to be a firefighter, police office or teacher, I will be proud of both as long as they give the best they can give. I also instill in them, more importantly than jobs is being a good father, human being and good husband also.

good books to read to your son are books about inventions, inventors, and the struggles that they went through to make their breakthrough.
<p>He has some of these, I should get more though.

I took the kids to Kitty Hawk last summer, and they learned that theWright brothers made over 1,000 practice flights and took them 4 years to perfect their plane. If the kids complain about 30 minutes of work, i remind them about the Wright brothers and how hard they worked.
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If I reminded them of other person's hard work, for my own kids, this would be my kids love buster. Bringing up how this important man/woman succeeded through hard work, irritates most kids I know. Especially as they get older. I think it's more effective to just reinforce they have responsibilities, if they don't do it then they have consequences.
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good luck.

Thanks!

just make some goals attainable so their is some reward for trying and adhering to the structure. then make the rewards progressively grand but he must be able to get some rewards along the way. A counselor told me that i must make the rewards reasonable and attainable.
<p>Very true. Also, very importantly if your plan doesn't work, which with older son on school work my plan is not working, then I realize I need to make some major changes in rewards,schedules and goals.

and i have done that. . . .

Great!<p>My older son is going down hill. I think he may be going into a depression for not living up to what the school, I and my stbx expectations. The things we are doing is making it worse, not better. <p>I am also concerned about the affect the school's zero tolerence policy is having on my child. First, just FYI, I am not in Houston Independent school district but a more stricter school district. IMO, our school is too strict. They slowly change their policy through elementary until they reach 7th grade, then they start an almost zero tolerence policy. You get an automatic zero if one assignment is turned in late. This can be devestating to a grade depending on which assignment you don't complete. Also, when you turn in an assignment incomplete, some teachers give an automatic zero for this too. I think there should be points taken away for incomplete or late assignments. They also, have zero tolerence for being tardy. You have several classes to go to per day and if you are tardy one time in the year you do a strict lunch detention. They say this is the real world. This is not true, the places I worked at has more tolerence than the school system does for 11 and 12 year old.<p>I thought it odd when I learned they do not fail many children who actually have a failing report card. They say if a student has high TAAS (A Texas State test) and a high SAT test they will usually pass these students. I think I am beginning to understand why they have this policy enforce now. I am wondering if this is because too many students would fail due to their zero tolerence affecting report card grades. I'd like to get my hands on reports the school has regarding how many students are failing classes verses passing.<p>The school districts policy is to slowly introduced to this "zero tolerence rule". As stated by 7th grade there is almost no tolerence. As it is becoming more strictor, he is giving up more and more. For most children who are not slow in completing assignments this may be fine but for a child like mine, who is slow I can see how my child is feeling defeated.<p>I think it's worse for him because the teachers know how intellegent my son is from state test. They are constantly, as well as I too are reminding him, he is not performing at the level he should be.<p>I may not be able to change are school systems policies, but there are some changes I plan to make in the way I treat this. I know he has chronic alergies and sinus problems and this is a lot of it, but I think too I am listening to these teachers and the school system too much.<p>I did also get a couple of names of persons in our district, I am writing a letter and going to try to make some changes in the policies of the school. You know, this makes me wonder about these kids who lose it and all the school shootings. They say a lot of this is peer pressures but there have always been peer pressures and this didn't make my peers go shoot people. What has changed in our school system today is more homework, more expectations and less tolerence of normal child behavior. I see teachers who forget to send information necessary home or who come to meetings unprepared, they think this is fine with them but don't allow this with our children.<p>When I started writing this I sure didn't expect to write about the school system my child attends, so sorry for the vent. However, I'm glad I said all this because it just makes me realize how much I need to try to change this policy. Now back to what I plan to change about me and his home environment.<p>I'm called the school for a meeting with teachers and counselors to discuss positive reinforcement.<p>I need to change the critisisms of older son that he is slower than others. His teachers and I see it takes him 3, 4 or 5 times longer to get his assignments completed than the other children. They've told him he's too slow and needs to speed up and I've told him too. The thing we are doing wrong is constantly telling him other children are faster than him, instead of just encouraging him when he completes assignments on time. This is backfiring and has never worked. It's like spouses or employees you give them negativity, you'll get negativity.<p>I am going to talk to the school about working with a team effort to help my son feel like he's a success. Right now he feels like a failure and he's giving up. He is losing all his self confidence. I think this is due to the way I, my stbx and teachers have handled him. A couple of days ago my son told me a teacher has told him several times, when he hasn't finished an assignment and she gets frustrated with him because the class is through, she says this, "I should be paid double for just having you in my class." I told him she was probably just teasing him, but he said the look on her face said other wise. I am going to ask the teachers to please come up with ways to give him some positive guidance. <p>At home, I need to show more positive reinforcement when assignments are completed. Than critisisms for those not done. I did this last night and I got some results.<p>I need to let him know how proud I am when he gets an "A" instead of how disappointed I am that he got an "F" on another paper.<p>I have done a good job in other respects of parenting but in the past regarding what my son needs to feel like a success in school, I can see I am failing miserably and need to make a 180 degree turn around.<p>Any good advice on this would be greatly appreciate from all.<p>Thanks Tom for all your advice. It gave me a lot more to think about.<p>ANNA