My husband filed for divorce almost 2 weeks ago. We have been seperated for about 3 months, but have been "dating" so to speak since he left. We went to the required "divorcing with children" class this past week. Up to that time, I was really hoping that we would be able to get things back together. Unfortunately, I am beginning to realize that it is really over. I went to my therapist yesterday and he made me realize too that I had to stop allowing my soon to be ex to come over, use the shower, takes naps, have sex, have dinner, etc. if I was to ever get over my emotional turmoil and roller coaster. So, when I got home he was here and I told him what needed to happen. My real hope was that he would take some time to think about getting the rest of his stuff, but when I returned from work today I noticed that he had begun to clean out his stuff.<p>My nerves are shot, I've lost 12 pounds (was not big to begin with), cry constantly, etc. It sure would be nice to have a easy way to get over this emotional ride that I am on.<p>Background - I was the WS, not him. I admitted to everything. He is angry, his pride is hurt, etc. I love him and would do anything to maintain our marriage. I guess that won't happen and I need to accept that fact. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad and sorry:
<strong>It sure would be nice to have a easy way to get over this emotional ride that I am on.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Unfortunately there is no easy way to step off this ride. Even if you divorce it may still take time. But day by day the lows don't go quite so low and the highs last longer.<p>Though it is no conselation one thing I guarantee you is that once you get past all this you will be a better and stonger person with character beyong reproach. <p>I am happy to see that you are in therapy. Time will heal all wounds once you quit picking the scabs.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers from Kansas

You took a big step admitting your wrongs and going to therapy, give him some time and space and see if he doesn't come around. I do agree with therapist, you can't allow him to use you for his own gain, if he is not going to except his part in things and work towards reconciling with you. Take care of yourself

I appreciate the support. I know it's not going to be easy. I hope that once the holiday season is over and a new year begins things will look brighter. I think one of the hardest things about it right now is the time of the year. Everyone is suppose to be so happy and "in love" and mine world is falling apart. Again, thanks for the words of wisdom!

I don't know why you are giving up so easily. If this is the husband you love dearly, don't you want to try a little longer? I think you telling him to get out seems like another rejection to him, and I don't understand why you are not plan A'ing him to your maximum capability. Maybe I don't know the whole story (I could find only two posts by you in the divorce forum), but I just don't understand why you are throwing a towel already. Getting over being betrayed takes time. You say he filed for divorce but he seems to not want to go away on his own.. doesn't that tell you something? <p>Just my two cents,<p>Tammy

S&S
I agree with Tammy. If your STBX is not seeing other people and is allowing you to meet any of his needs, I'd continue to do that until the D papers are finalized. I have no idea what the timeline is before your D is finalized, but in most states I think you can postpone the papers for awhile without totally withdrawing the case. Might be a good short term goal here. For you're own sake & if you have or can make enough time, I'd even step up your plan A. Maybe invite him over for a romantic dinner or a fun family day. Another potential thought is to write him an apology letter. Let him know what he means to you and the kind of wife you intend to be should your marriage survive. Letter is better than spoken for this stuff because he can take it with him and read it again. He's likely on autopilot in his actions and it could take some extraordinary efforts to wake him up.<p>
Good Luck,
HI

Again, thanks for your responses. In our state it is a 30 day process from filing for divorce to the end. We are mid way through that now. As for writing a letter, I have done that numerous times, we have had numerous romantic dinners and times together. And, we could continue with that, but he has made if perfectly clear that he wants to have the divorce. I think he would be content to continue with seeing me for intimate reasons, but that is too emotionaly damaging for me at this time. As far as plan A is concerned, we've worked on that too. He is just not able, at this time, to get over his feelings of betrayal and self pride. He has admitted that this is just as hard for him, but I think he is wanting to "prove" something for himself, in fact he admitted that to me the other day. So, for the time being, I suppose I have to go along with his decision and only hope that one day he will see the error in his decision and decide that he wants to be with me again. I would give and do anything to make him know and realize that I will be devoted and dedicated to him and him only, but as he has said, "I know you believe that you will be devoted, but I don't". How do you fight a response like that.<p>If only it weren't the holidays...

You don&#8217;t fight it at all, can&#8217;t be done. Empathy and compassion are your best tools for those feeling. When you see those feelings, think of him as a young child that you have hurt. When it comes to being hurt we're all children deep down the only difference is a child's memory is much shorter and can be erased with the security given by just one or two hugs and kisses.<p>I wish you the best,
HI

Sad and Sorry....it's been a long time since I've visited this board. I saw your post though and I just wanted to tell you that I think your husband is responding like a lot of betrayed men do. I too was the wayward spouse and my ex also filed for divorce. I'd talk to you about it if you'd like. Do you have an e-mail address? I don't have much time to visit these boards anymore.

Yes, Bonniesept, I do have an email address, but would rather not post it for all the world to see. I am not sure if there is a way to just get it to you and not others. If there is, let me know and I would be happy to talk with you.
Thanks for the support.

You could open up a free yahoo email account with an email address that doesn't contain your name (make it so nobody would know it is your email address) and post it here. You don't have to read anything in this account except the emails you get from BonnieSept. <p>Tammy