Hi,<P> About 3 weeks ago my wife and I had a big argument and she decided<BR>to leave me because I had been drinking for a long time and avoiding<BR>the fact that I had become an alcoholic. Basically I learned that<BR>she was afraid of me when I drink but I never have physically hurt<BR>her or my two daughters (4 and 9). I have also not been abusive but<BR>was suffering from bouts of depression where I felt I was "better<BR>off dead" and said so to her.<P>After this fight in which she went to a friends house after I tried<BR>to stop her from leaving, she decided that I 'attacked' and 'chased'<BR>her (her perception, mine is I tried to stop her from leaving by<BR>standing in front of the door, and by holding her arm and asking her<BR>to stop and by yelling for her to please stop when she ran out of<BR>the house).<P>I'm not making excuses, I know she believes this because of her perception<BR>but she never really let me know that she had been 'afraid' of<BR>me for a long time.<P>She filed for divorce two days later and wrote this terrible<BR>deposition to get a restraining order against me. Since then I have<BR>been in AA and I have a lot more clarity in my life.<BR>She also told my daughters about the divorce and told them that<BR>"mommy loves daddy but can't live with him when he drinks and if<BR>he lives with us he will start drinking again"<P>We live in a really nice house in a great area that she almost<BR>immediatly has been pushing me to let her sell it. She says of<BR>course that she (and we) can't afford it since I'll have to find an<BR>apartment, etc... but to me it just seems like she is dismantling<BR>the marriage as quickly as possible.<P>I read some of the articles on the marriagebuilders site and concluded<BR>that the best thing I could do was let her find out our options to<BR>sell it so she could go on with her life if that was her desire.<BR>She gave me kind of a shocked look when I told her this a week ago<BR>but has moved forward like gangbusters.<P>I've been having 'supervised' visits with my daughters on the<BR>weekends where we meet at a park or for dinner. This past<BR>weekend she asked me to come to the house to visit my daughters<BR>instead of meeting somewhere away from the house. It was a fun<BR>visit and the girls and I had a great time on halloween. My wife<BR>was non confrontive and we had some laughs about the costume I<BR>wore and she even took a picture of me because 'she had to have it'.<P>Later, she asked me if I knew where the information about our<BR>mortgage was and I helped her find it. She then told me she had<BR>a pretty firm buyer at a good price. I said to her that was good<BR>to see our options but I wanted to think about it. She then hit<BR>me with 'you said I could sell it because you wanted me to go on with<BR>my life!' and got pissed at me. I left it alone and didn't say no<BR>to her about it.<P>This is my dilemma. I don't think our kids should have to lose<BR>their dad AND their home all at once. I would prefer that we keep<BR>the house until the holidays are over partly because it's only been<BR>3 weeks since we split and partly because of the children.<P>If I tell her that she will most likely be pretty mad at me and<BR>alienate me even more. However I think that she isn't getting any<BR>help (like al-anon) to deal with her feelings, instead having a<BR>friend of hers be there whenever I'm there and being 'supported<BR>in her decision' by her friends. Translation: they probably agree<BR>that a divorce is the best thing because it's better for the kids<BR>not to be around daddy the drunk. Problem is, I don't drink any<BR>more and I'm feeling a lot better these days because of it.<P>It seems like people would rather destroy a marriage than do the<BR>work it takes to make it work. <P>Any advice would be appreciated<P>frank<P><BR>

I don't know why some spouses are so quick to run rather to work on a marriage. All I know is that we can't control what they think and say. I'm so glad your in AA. You made a tremendous move. Hopefully, your wife will see it that way too.

Prepare for a long period of ambiguity, followed by startling revelations. (No, I don't have any idea what those will be. I'm not suggesting she's found somebody else. It could be anything at this point.) Unfortunately there is probably nothing you can do to prepare. Behave. Treat her as you would like to remember you treated her, no matter what happens or what she does. As my friend advised me when I was in a similar situation, "Always be a gentleman." No holding arms and restricting people's movements. Strictly not allowed.

It's been building up for a while because I have been saying I want to stop drinking but just wasn't able to admit I had a problem.<P>But going right to divorce instead of separation and acting out of fear is difficult to understand.<P>frank