H was a bit shocked that judge ordered him to pay the 2nd mortgage and child support. He had tried to use an old paystub that didn't reflect all the overtime he gets. The judge didn't fall for it. <p>It really works out to about the same as what he has been giving me temporarily anyway so I should be fine.<p>The judge was also very clear that H is not to have girlfriend in house overnight with children during visitation. This should be really interesting since he is living in her house. He will either have to take them to his mom's to sleep, make OW leave her own house, not get the children for the weekend anymore, be in violation of the judges order or move out to a place of his own.<p>I have been incrediably strong throughout this. Maybe I've realized that any man who puts his own needs above his children's best interest and would try to lie to a judge about his income isn't worth being around anyway.<p>All our marriage I have done 80% to his 20%. He would make comments that "he had no bills" etc. He never understood how expensive it was to live. Now he will get that opportunity. He is not going to like it and I don't think the new little woman will either. Living with a depressed and broke fellow is not nearly as exciting as it was in the beginning. I hope his reality sets in soon.<p>Being a marriage builders site, I should mention that reconciliation is not completely out of the question to me. I just have decided to stop trying to make it happen. If he comes to the realization that he wants to create a new life with me, then we will go from there and I will insist on using MB principles. Otherwise, I know I'll be a much better person and potential mate for someone else. <p>I am so much better than what I thought I would be. I give God all the glory!!!!!!<p>PP

(((PP))) You go girl! You DO sound so much stronger! I'm so proud of you. You're taking care of you and your children. God is getting you stronger and stronger each day. Take care and my prayers are with you!!<p>MOM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

hey people pleaser,<p>you sound really good. i am happy that you feel this way (hope you feel as good as you sound)<p>i have a question though. i am going through a similar situation and i wanted to know what state you live in?<p>the reason i ask is b/c i told my stbx that i did not want our daughter around other woman. and that she is definitely not to sleep out of our home b/c stbx is also living w ow. and i don't want my child sleepin on her couch. <p>is that something that i could have enforced? i live in ny. and someone told me the judge will not agree to that. so reading your post made me really wonder if it is.pls let me know if so and exactly where you live.<p>it's ashame our children have to go through this all because their fathers don't know what it means to have a family and stick it out with them. <p>best of luck to you and stay strong. that is what i am trying to do.

(((PP)))<p>I Guess? I know you probably didn't want it to ever come to court but it sounds like it went pretty great to me.<p>I absolutely love what the Judge did about the OW. I ended up settling out of court but if we had a judge that would of done something similar I definately would not of settled because that was one item that I wanted in our decree but it was dropped in negotiations.<p>"""Maybe I've realized that any man who puts his own needs above his children's best interest and would try to lie to a judge about his income isn't worth being around anyway."""<p>You know what? It took me a LONG time to figure that out (obviously replacing the word "man" with "woman"). I was stuck on the idea of a family and misreading that as being stuck on my X. There is both good and bad sides to your H's actions. The bad is that the children are going to see through this and form their own opinions of his actions. Granted I'm quite sure that they'll love him as a father but there is such a deeper relationship that they will not get with him. The good news is that, like mine, your relationship with your children will reach that deeper level. <p>I often complain to myself about always having to be the good guy, always having to comfort the children because of something mom did/said, never being able to express my true feelings about something their mom did, always candy coating. Plus I held a lot of anger towards her because of the lifestyle she was choosing. Then a couple nights ago my oldest said something to me that made all that anger go away and now I just feel sorry for my X. Though she may be with the girls a little more time than I during the month because of our custody arrangement, she will never have the relationship I have with them and that is truly sad.<p>Oh, did you want to know what my daughter said? Jessica (my 12yo) was sick on Monday and Tuesday and I was out of town on business (my first trip in 6 months). Well anyway Lisa (aka my X, aka Idiot Girl) spent a total of 10 hours at home over those 2 days. I can't even tell you how many time Jessica called me crying because she was lonely and sick and had to care for her sisters in the evening. My heart was totally broken. Each time I comforted her and got her calmed down. The last time we talked I said "Jessica you know that this is killing me being away from you and you know that if I was home you would never be alone while you were sick" and Jessica replied "Yes Dad I know that you are the only one who would always be there". Isn't that sad?<p>Well anyway, I didn't mean to bring so much of my story to your thread I just wanted you to know that the greatest rewards you will ever receive will come outside of the court room.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Thanks everybody.... Bill, your daughters sound precious.<p>This week my son's kindergarten class is studying families. I asked my son who was in his family and he said me, you and Katie(his sister). He then proceeded to add that Daddy wasn't in our family because he wasn't here(home) anymore. My son is 6 and he gets it. I don't see why a 35 year old man can't understand the importance of family. <p>Even yesterday, after the court hearing( it was just a hearing not the actual divorce trial) oops... anyway, I called him to see if he was ok and he said was surprised and tired but he figures he got what he deserves. I know I shouldn't have but I asked him how it felt to get what he wanted, meaning moving towards divorce, and he said, he still wishes none of this had ever happened. I reminded him that all he had to do was stop it, forget the past and move on towards building a future with me and the kids. He was silent of course. He said he doesn't hate me. <p>I have to remind myself not to feel sorry for him because I've loved him for so long that it is hard to see him hurting. But I'm doing ok reminding myself that it was his actions that brought this on. I accept my part in us drifting apart but I was totally commited to restoring things. I did not make him start having an affair and I have always let him know that he could come home at any time and be forgiven for his mistakes.<p>I've done all I can. Maybe that is why I have such a peace. That and the prayers of friends. I can not save him from himself. I have tried to make his life easy and comfortable for 17 years regardless of how much he financially or emotionally supported me. I think it time to cut the ol' cord, so to speak. You never realize what you had until it was gone. He is realizing it now, especially in his wallet.<p>The funny thing is that he has to pay 1 bill, a $325 per month loan. I get to pay the $820 house payment, $325 car payment, buy all the clothes and groceries, pay all the credit card bills, and everything else. I don't know why I even felt slightly sorry for him. The heart is a funny thing....... PP

left alone,<p>sorry I forgot to answer your question. I live in South Carolina. Ask your lawyer to include the statement that visitation must be carried out in a proper moral enviroment. That was the term my lawyer used. It doesn't prevent my H from having her around our kids during the day but she is not allowed to sleep in the same house with them at night. <p>I warned my husband repeatively that this would happen and he should be prepared. He thinks as long as he sleeps with kids or on the couch during their visits they won't realize she is his girlfriend. It still doesn't make it right and I'm glad the court system agrees. I have been allowing him to take them to her house for the weekends for the past 2 months but I never was happy about it. I didn't want them to hate me because I wouldn't let them see their Dad and he firmly refused to change his living arrangements.<p>I really don't care if he is inconvienced by the court order. He hasn't been inconvienced in 17 years, it's about time he had to make an adjustment. Boy, I'm sounding bitter now. I guess it's just hit me again how frustrating this all is. <p>Thanks for listening and good luck with your case. PP

Lynn,<p>Way to go girl.......I am so proud of you. You are STRONG!!!!!!!!! I always knew it, now you do, too.<p>The moving on thing....yes it comes when you realise that you did all you could, and then is it worth trying to be with someone so selfish that they put their own selfish needs above innocent children...does that sound bitter? It is actually still the one thing that GETS to me about this.<p>Love ya girl!!!!!<p>Jacky

Thanks Jacky and everyone.<p>If any one is reading this thread that just has started this process, please don't give up. Please take care of yourself and love yourself the way God loves you. <p>One thing I realize now is that the strength I have today was born out of the trials I've faced over the past year. Thanks for everyone who has been with me during my darkest times. Those times have brought me where I am today. Still in love with my H but unable to accept the current state of my marriage. I can and will make it and I will be a better person because of it. I already am.<p>Lynn

Lynn...<p>Way to go girl... you're strong, yet sensitive. Very sensible yet tender... I'm sorry about the pain you've had. This will wake him up... <p>Take care! Keep posting!<p>ps - a couple of us tracked Mike (waiting_for_her) down and called him. Not much has changed for him. Email me and I'll send you a phone number for him: OvrCsMB@aol.com