last night my daughter(7yrs old) told me she wanted to talk. which i have always encouraged her to do. i don't want her to be afraid to speak to me and i also don't want her holding anything inside.especially now that her father and i are getting ready to divorce. <p>she told me that she was sad that her father was no longer living with us. she has felt this way for sometime now. i feel bad and at the same time i ocassionally miss him as well. on the same note he was the one to leave and is living w ow. i wanted to try to reconcile but he doesn't feels bored,doesn't want to be married,has cheated throughout our 7yrs of marriage etc. so there is nothing left for me to do. only thing i can do is get divorced.<p>my daughter also asked me what kind of example her father and i were showing her.she said by him not being her and having a girlfriend.she doesn't feel it is right. and she said what kind of example is that for her when she gets married? can you believe a 7 yr old could come up with something like that. <p>i was caught totally off guard when she asked what kind of example was being set for her. i tried my best to give her a decent answer w/o putting her father in the dirt where he belonged. i did not say anything negative about him. <p>it just so upsetting for her to have to go through this. and she will not approach him b/c she is scared of him for some reason. i think it is b/c he doesn't pay her too much attention. b/c he is not the yelling or hitting type. but he is very laid back and lax about life in general. <p>i wish things could be different but i can not change things all i can do is give my daughter and myself the best lives possible. he is off being content w ow and not thinking he is causing any damage. <p>what would you guys have said in response to daughters questions. i haven't told him what she said b/c i don't want him acting anyway out of guilt b/c at this point that is all it would be. <p>i handle her on my own and don't force anything on him or tell him what is being said b/c he is just in hiw own little world with ow. maybe they will live happily ever after or maybe they won't i am really trying my hardest to move forward and leave all thoughts of them out of my head. christmas is making things real hard though. but i am really trying to be strong even though i get migraine headaches just about every day. <p>pls advise

I tried the best I could to relate to my children that their father was not doing any of it to hurt them. I told them that their father loved them, but was very confused and didn't really realize what his affair was doing to them. Does your daughter know that her father is with another woman? If not, don't you be the one to tell her that. I think I would just let her know how sorry you are that her father isn't there for her right now, but that in the only way he know how, he loves her (bite your tongue on that one). I tried very hard not to slander my H to my kids, because I figured that his behavior would do it eventually. One thing my daughter said to me that got to me one time was that she thought I was being very weak, letting her father continue the affair, trying to recover the marriage, instead of divorcing him. I told her that I was sorry she saw it as weakness, but that I needed to do everything I possibly could to try to work on the marriage, so that later, I would have no regrets. I guess as far as you setting an example, just be loving to your daughter and take care of you. That will show her that you love her no matter what her father does. You may also think about taking her to family counseling, so that she can talk to someone that she isn't so invested in emotionally. She seems bright beyond her years. Counseling never hurt anyone, so if it's available, I'd take her. The counselor can maybe explain better that it's not always the best thing for 2 people to stay together.... Take care and I'm praying for you.<p>MOM

((((leftalone))))<p>You did exactly what you needed to but more importantly what your daughter needed you to do. I totally understand and fully appreciate how difficult it is to always have to be the &#8220;Good Guy&#8221;. I can tell you from daily experience that it gets easier with time and it doesn&#8217;t hurt quite so bad to bite your tongue.<p>And trust me it would be of absolutely no value to share any part of the conversation with your hubby. I&#8217;ve tried on numerous times and all it got me justifications and then tormenting of the daughters for sharing their thoughts with me. So the girls and I pretty much agree that what is said to me doesn&#8217;t get back to mom. It is so sad to watch as the other parent starts throwing away part of a special relationship with the child. But on a positive note, my girls and I have a much deeper relationship now than ever.<p>Keep up the good work.<p>
Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

you did the right thing, always answer there questions and validate there feelings as real and ligitamate. I was is similar situation with 6yr old grandson, asked me why his nana left and when she was comming back and why she didn't want to be with us anymore, it ripped my heart out. But like you I assured him it was not his fault and did not berate her.

Quote from leftalone:<p>it just so upsetting for her to have to go through this. and she will not approach him b/c she is scared of him for some reason. i think it is b/c he doesn't pay her too much attention. b/c he is not the yelling or hitting type. but he is very laid back and lax about life in general.<p>The reason your D won't talk to her dad is because she doesn't trust him any more with her heart. This was explained to me in a recent counselling session....my son had some really good news, and I thought he would share it with his dad. Nope. I didn't understand this, but the C told me, in my son's mind, dad is no longer IMPORTANT enough to share good news with, and he won't share the good OR bad for fear of more hurt.<p>It has taken my son (8) over 4 months to tell me that he doesn't trust anyone now, including me. Can you blame him? His whole world was completely overturned by someone he DID trust with all his heart. I am working on earning his trust again, and we are getting there.<p>As for telling H? I seriously want to do that too, in an unemotional email...son said this, his counsellor said that. But you know what? No matter WHAT I say, and how I say it, H will twist it, and edit it in his own mind to justify his own selfish actions...in fact right now I can hear him blaming ME for not doing a good enough job keeping our son happy. Sheesh!<p>So I would advise against telling H anything, cos you will be blamed in the end.<p>love and light,<p>Jacky