Hi everyone. I hope this topic doesn't sound like something everyone should know..<p>I have been told that child support money is for "food, clothing, & shelter" for the minor child involved. So with that brief definition I was given, can someone comment on this for me??<p>We pay my husband's ex-w over $1300.00 per month for child support of 17 year old daughter. In addition, we pay another $1200.00 per month to the ex-w for spousal support. <p>Here is the problem we have encountered on repeated basis. My stepdaughter will call and say "mom bought me a new sweater, but I would like new pants too. mom says she can't afford the pants and dad should pay for them..." <p>Am I missing something, or isn't $1300.00 per month more than enough to be able to have bought SD her sweater and pants??? My H is becoming frustrated thinking his support money is not being used for "support". We both do not believe we should have to pay for any other expenses unless we both want to buy her something "just because". <p>Are we being ureasonable? Or is the ex-w perhaps mis-managing her support money?<p>Any comments would be appreciated.

]<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

Sing? Did you mean to reply after the quote??<p>Skip

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Skipper:
<strong>Sing? Did you mean to reply after the quote??<p>Skip</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Decided what I had to say was better left unsaid. I am the STBX wife of someone and this is a very touchy subject for me.

I'm sorry Sing. I never intended to hurt or alienate anyone here. I really appreciate all you guys and gals...<p>This is sortof a touchy subject for me too. Maybe we can learn from each other's points of view?<p>Skip

I get more than amount you mentioned from my STBX and I am going broke. But my STBX left me for the OW so I feel that I deserve every penny and more.<p> I was a SAHM until I found out about the A 2 yrs ago, after teaching for a yr, I quit my job to move overseas so STBX could have the job he always wanted. The job wasn't what he thought & he found that he couldn't live without the OW.<p>Now here am back in the states, no job, most likely can't get one till school starts for 2002, I had to take some classes. STBX can't or won't give me enough for me to live on. I have used all my share of the sale of our house, my credit card is maxing out, but he doesn't want our lifestyle to change.<p>sorry if I am bitter but you know is it really that much to buy her some clothes, if she is like my OS (17) they cost a fortune. <p>BTW, you didn't offend me I was afraid offend you.<p>
Speaking of OS he wants the computer

Thank you for replying Sing. And no offense taken. I was not the OW in my relationship with my H. We met years after their D was final.<p>No, of course it's not about the money of buying her some clothes. Heck, we bought our SD her car, pay for the insurance and provide her a gasoline credit card for her to use. <p>However, from our point of view, his former wife recieves MORE than 1/2 of his take home income. She also gets a percentage of my income calculated into this figure for her spousal support. And she also has a full time job. So really, at the end of each month, she has more disposable income than we do. (and we are comfortable, not rich, or perhaps upper end, just average...)<p>So, I go back to the question I asked before...where does this money go? Maybe I'm just frustrated too.<p>Thanks again Sing. I am sorry for your situation.<p>Skip

Skipper,<p>this is a very sore subject for me, (since i was told the divorce was because I work too hard for money, but she wanted as much of it as she could get, grrrr!) and so i won't say anything about my situation, however,<p>some suggestions:<p>your 17 yo SD needs to start to appreciate the clothes she has by paying for them. also, i think a pre-college graduate should have to pay for insurance and gas, maybe not the car itself, but definately the insurance and the gas.<p>also, when was your support and stuff reviewed by the court and adjusted for reality? I think a good legal review and recalculation is in order.<p>I know how you feel, however, here in this state, CS is suspended while the student is away at college. Yippee! so one only has to pay during the summer. . . .<p>CS is rigged for the mom, and is very difficult to get a fair deal. . . . .<p>wiftty

I agree that this is a sensitive subject. <p>In my state, you rarely get spousal support if you get child support. And it makes not one whit of difference that my H's OW (now his wife) can comfortably support him and he hasn't worked in a year and a half. I wish I lived in your state - we only got about that much child support (and that was for six kids) when he was earning 6 figures - now he pays fifty bucks a week total for five kids.

wiftty,<p>I beg to differ that CS is rigged toward the mother - I think it is just the opposite. I live in the same state you do. The support order required my kids' father to pay only a little more for SIX kids than he would have been required to pay for 3. He only has to contribute to college expenses if he can "afford it." The only good thing is that there is NOTHING in there to allow him to stop paying child support when the child is at college - why should the NCP not have to pay child support nor contribute to room and board? My daughter's college, however, expects him to contribute - and therefore the expected family contribution this year exceeded 50% of my total income, income which puts me barely above the poverty line. <p>My lawyer said that because we have so many children, I would not be awarded spousal support in spite of being a SAHM at the time, because the judge's first consideration is always to make sure the NCP has sufficient money to live on. Whether the children do is irrelevant.

Nellie,<p>no way you live in MA! also, mylawyer told me that if i don't work, given i had the same potential as your X, that the judge would award me a given amount based upon my earning capacity, whether i worked or not.<p>so now that i want to try a new career, and X encouraged me to do it during her little selfish period, i still have to fork over an amount equal to my earning capacity, whether i make it or not.<p>so i think you have not gotten good advice, or live in a bum state. also, i would never let my kids suffer, and i will work whatever jobs i have to to pay for whatever education my kids want and are willing to qualify for through undergraduate, whether or not the X can pay for it or not, public or private. I also limited my exposure by telling X that kids were expensive, that i only wanted two kids, to make sure we do a good job with two, instead of a half assed job with three or more. (that was held against me at one point!)<p>so i realize you are in a crappy situation, but most fathers are responsible people, not all are dead beat dads.<p>WIFTTy<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

WiFTTY,<p>Yes I do live in MA, which is why rent eats up almost my entire income. The judge set child support based NOT on what my H could potentially earn, but on what he received in unemployment compensation, which of course was a whole lot less. <p>When my H was home, he would do almost anything for the kids. Even shortly after he left, he stated that having his kids go to college was extremely important to him. While we were in court waiting for the divorce, he expressed a great deal of concern to me that one of our daughters was going to stop after getting her associate's degree. Yet the other day he told another daughter that she should be thanking him for paying what he had paid toward her college education. <p>His children were always so important to him. This is a man who was never unemployed during our marriage for more than a couple of months, and even then he was willing to get up at 5 am to go milk cows for five bucks an hour in order to support his children. <p>This is a man who less than a year before he left said he would have liked to have had more than six kids if he could have afforded it.

I get $75.00 a week in child support for our two kids.<p>I'm not sure WHAT that is supposed to help me pay.

Skipper, I have to be careful too here. I get both supports in about the same amount. I have two little ones at home tho, not one older one who can potentially work at least some sort of even part-time job (I had to at that age).<p>I don't have a job yet since my youngest just this year started school full days and I'm in the process of moving back home (yes, out of state where I came from). But even still, I have had so many times where the church stepped in to help me when I was down to only mac&cheese. Kids are not cheap, mortgages are not cheap, food isn't, clothes aren't, shoes aren't, school activities, their fundraisers, their sports, their sports equipment, gas to get them all over heck's half acre, fixing the car after it breaks down from getting them all those places, and they wear everything out in record time from their clothes to the furniture.<p>But even still, I see it like this. We both worked hard for lots of years and finally bought a home and were able to have kids with me giving up my own advancement to raise them, while he shot right thru the roof with his career advancement. We finally got to the point where we were doing really well financially as a family, and off he goes with his honey who gets to reap the rewards that I struggled along side him to attain thru LOTS of years of sacrifice. I'm dumped with no job after 10 years of child rearing, no career, 2 kids, 2 dogs, a house I can't afford which is up to ME! to sell and get out from under. Find out the whole 20 years was FULL of lies and lots of OW's and thank him very much for the STD which he still denies. And he goes his merry way leaving me holding the bag.<p>SORRY!!! He should be paying me FOREVER as far as I'm concerned. The 3 years of SS I get (now down to 2) is a piddance compared to what my potential could have been had I known what a pig he really was and never believed his so-called vows and made babies with him in the first place and stopped working. I think there should be an element of punishment included in all support for walking out on someone and your children (which he doesn't bother to visit or call)!!!!!!<p>I don't know about your H, but mine could charm an entire room of people. Prince charming. His OW has no idea of all the other women who came before her and I'd love to tell her but want her to suffer years of loss like me and find out for herself. She seriously thinks she's the only one. My bit of ranting here I guess.<p>The only thing I can say without emotion is that if her SS is non-modifiable (like mine is) then it cannot be changed no matter how much money she makes. The CS can be reviewed but, at least in my state, it is based almost totally on how much he makes, and only slightly on what she makes. So if he's had any increases since the last review, it may be a waste of time going thru the motions. A lawyer could tell you, it's usually just a calculation on his computer.<p>This is a sore spot for lots of people here tho because most of us here were the ones that had the divorce decision made FOR us by our spouses. I for one am going to enjoy hording his money for the next 2 years after I move and begin working again. AMEN!<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>

Touchy subject here... <p>But - I'll jump right in. <p>I appreciate dad's who are not dead beats - but in my experience there are more who are than are not. <p>My STBX seems to think $400.00 is more than enough money to feed, clothe, and shelter four children 6, 8, 11, & 16. The 16 year old works full time, goes to school full time (home school - but is still doing 7 credit hours each quarter), and is paying the car payment, insurance, and gas for her car. She came in last month and offered $200.00 to help with rent - since Dad isn't paying enough to do it. <p>He was angry that I took his $400... sheesh - the state says he owes $1400 minimum - 1800 at the top end - and he feels I'm taking advantage of him. The man has no clue - his job pays housing, utilities, phone, vehicle, and insurance - and he still can't seem to make ends meet on what he earns... which is more than twice what I earn. He doesn't see the kids - never asks about them - but he always has new clothes on when I see him, has bragged about having a new 27 inch TV - for watching the NEW satelite on. <p>Sorry - most of the men I know don't pay their child support, complain about what they do have to pay, and don't bother to support their children emotionally. When one does support their child - I'd like to pat them on the back and tell them "WELL DONE!" <p>BTW - nothing has changed - he didn't support them when he was here either.<p>Sorry - to inflict my opinion on this site - but I feel better. <p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Blessings,<p>Jan

Nellie,<p>what county? I live in Middlesex. . .

Well, I pay $1,450 per month to a woman who:<p>has a free 3,500 sq foot house, food and utilities
the only utilities she pays is phone and cable tv.
and she grosses 50% of what I did. I am officially unemployed in two weeks, and I have my resume at two head hunters, and on monster.com, and have had only one offer of a job at a location where the commute is horrendous, 25 miles and over an hour each way. (avg 20 mph)<p>I have to pay $1,450 in rent and $1,450 in
CS before i get to eat.<p>So now, she wants to apply for scholarship
when her interest from her bank account is equal to her portion of the tuition, and the school has given her a 2/3 scholarship before that.<p>And she has a very well kept grand voyager, and because she had two mechanical breakdowns, which were fixable, she decided that she needs a brand new, top of the line Expedition for safety .<p>my take always has been: the goal for spending money is for educating the kids to give them the best start in life possible, and to offer them opportunities to grow, explore and learn about the world. she always disagreed with that philopsophy, saying that the kids friends are more important to them than doing family activities.<p>so yes, i am jaded, in a big way,
and yes, i will be spending more than i care to say on my summer vacation with the kids next summer BECAUSE the vacation is what X and I agreed to do with the kids at this age before we had kids, and so i will fulfill that dream with the kids without X. And X and I agreed it was the best vacation ever. . . . and that the experiences that the kids will have will be unforgettable. it was for us.<p>WIFTTy<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Skipper,<p>You are talking about two separate issues, child support and spousal support.<p>Fortunately, I wasn't required to pay spousal support. She divorced me. I can't speak to that issue.<p>Child support is another ball game. She started out as custodial parent. I never had a doubt in my mind that she spent every dime of child support for the care of the kids. Yes, I sent the child support payments and when the kids needed something extra, I paid for that too. And I sent the kids a weekly allowance on top of it. No big deal.<p>How do I know all this? Well, I got the chance to walk in her shoes. One by one, my three kids all came back to live with me. And no, I didn't get a cent of child support from her. Let me assure you that $1200 a month for the care and support of a 17 year old daughter isn't extravagant. It took everything I had to raise and educate those kids. They were long out of the nest before my income reached what you are now speaking of.<p>You never get done with your kids until you wind up in a nursing home legally incompetent, or they start shoveling dirt in your face. Grandchildren came along, and nobody bothered to clear it through me first. I have a thirty year old son who is is terminaly ill. He is totally disabled and lives on disability. He still needs my help, usually five or six hundred a month, and as his dad, I'm grateful for every month I'm still able to provide for him.<p>It was tough going through it. For a while there I described teenagers as creatures who eat and destroy. No other function in life. Nice part about it, I didn't know what boredom was. They maintained my undivided attention 24-7 for several years. Sometimes you wonder if it is all worth it.<p>Well, I'm getting kinda old, fat and wrinkled now. This past weekend my grandchildren took me to see Harry Potter followed by lunch at Pizzeria Uno. I'd say the investment payed off big time!

WiFFTY,<p>Norfolk.