Dear All,
I posted this in GQII, but thought there might be more people who've actually done this here. I need help. My H and I are separating now with D looming close behind it. We are selling our house, moving to 2 separate apartments, essentially my H has chosen not to try to save the M. I grudgingly made this decision with my H on 11/7. I know that my H is incapable or unwilling to see what his A has done to me, my self-esteem, my trust, all of it. He doesn't understand that just because his A was over (maybe it is, maybe it isn't, how will I EVER know), that I should be past it. Also, he thinks that since we're separating (for good this time, he says), I should not have to worry about trusting him, loving him, how he doesn't care about me, etc.
My C agrees about my letting go of worrying about trusting him. For instance, since the last "no contact" letter, my H would call me in the a.m.'s when he got to work (he used to stop by OW's house before work). He'd also call me at lunchtime, as they used to get together for a quickie at lunch as well. Well, I agreed to let him stop making the phone calls. I know I need to find a way to let go of him, but I still have deep feelings for him. He's just cordial to me and that's it. It's gotten harder, because I had agreed to let him stay in our house to have as much full-time with the kids as he could before we go our separate ways. It's hard because despite the fact that I know he no longer cares, I miss the affection, great talks, SF, all of it.<p>How do I emotionally disengage while he's still living there, talking on the phone to his mom and sister and laughing it up, as if he's happy as a clam about the end of our 17 years together?<p>Last night I made a big mistake and tried to talk to him about my anger over the fact that I'm still hurting so deeply over the affair, and that he's chosen to just "turn the page" on it as if it never happened, and he's moving on while I'm still in DEEP pain.<p>He got really mad, asked me HOW MANY TIMES I WAS GOING TO PUT THE BLAME totally on him. How many times I was going to tell him that he didn't care about me, etc. Anyway, the gist of it is he asked me NEVER to talk about it again.<p>I know this will be easier once we're not living in the same house, but does anyone have a way for me to turn it off so that I don't end up HATING him by the end of January?<p>Any help would be greatly appreciated.<p>MOM

MOM,
It sounds like you and your husband still have a lot of conflicting feelings towards each other that need to be resolved. Have you given up all hope of reconciliation?
If your husband has put forth the efforts you have mentioned, his recent actions are probably acting out on frustration over the fact that you haven't forgiven him yet. I can't believe he'd go to any effort to regain your trust if he didn't still care about you.
You have every right to your anger, but if you are to have any chance at recovery with him, he's got to know that he'll be forgiven eventually.
Most importantly, remember that you are responsible for your own happiness. With or without him, hold your chin up because you weren't the one who broke up your family. You and your kids will always know that.
There's no easy way to let go, but once you do you'll be amazed at how much peace comes your way. My wife left me two months ago for the OM, and I stopped holding on so tightly about three weeks ago. Since then, she's started calling me and has agreed to go see a counselor with me. I never thought that would happen. The best part is that no matter which way it works out, I'll be ready for it.
Your husband will never realize what he's done to you until he sees how much you still care for him. You'll never be able to fully explain it to him. Regardless of whether you want to get back together with him, you need to learn to stop focusing on your pain when you talk to him. You don't have to pretend nothing ever happened, but try to focus on more positive things. Otherwise the emotional scabs will never heal. Be honest with yourself, though. You need to forgive, but not until you're ready.
Good luck and take care of yourself. I'll be praying for peace for both of you.

Thanks so much for the reply. Since March when he first left to have his A, I have forgiven him approximately 8 times. Shortly after each time, I would again find out that he had not truly ended his A. Basically, he didn't need/want my forgiveness. I spent the time forgiving, then finding out he was once again betraying and lying. For example, on our 16 wedding anniversary, he bought me a dozen red roses. It was also Father's day, so we all went out for lunch to treat "dad." I gave my H a photo album that I'd made especially for him (he was still living in his apartment, so I thought, if he never comes back, he'll have some good memories to hold onto). Well my H just gushed and gushed over the album (even cried). He made a point of telling me how much it meant to him, how "far" that was going to get us in recovery. Then that night, he made his usual call to the kids to say goodnight. When he spoke to me, he said he was just going to go to bed early. Once again he told me how much the day had meant to him and how much he loved me and "hoped he would be home soon." After telling me he was going to bed early, he promptly hung up and drove to OW's house and slept with her that night. He was doing crap like this the whole time I was trying to Plan A. All the while, making ME feel guilty for being suspicious of his motives. The last time I caught him (he NEVER confessed, not once; I always had to "catch" him in the lies), he had been with her at lunchtime, gone to see his counselor that afternoon, and met with me to tell me "we belonged together" that night. I had found out he was e-mailing her, telling her he LOVED her and hoped SHE was being faithful during this difficult time. It's just been so much lying, so much hurt. <p>I took responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage right from the beginning. I've worked on my issues from day one. He still does not think he HAS any issues. <p>After last night's talk, I truly have lost any hope. He would need to become a different person, and that's just not going to happen.<p>Thanks for your response though. I know that once we're apart, the letting go should get easier.<p>MOM

MOM,
I'm sorry to hear that he's been jerking you around so badly. I would still say that you should focus on positives when talking to him, but mostly for your sake instead of the sake of the relationship. The more you try to make him understand your pain, the more frustrated you're going to be. Clearly, ever rebuilding any trust in him is a dim prospect. You said you can't stand the fact that he's already moving on. I don't think he really has. He's still stuck in his lying ways and has never taken responsibility for himself. That will always come back to bite him in the [censored], although you may never see it. As always, the best revenge is finding your own happiness. Good luck and I'll be thinking of you.

You are so right Lionheart. I think that because I've been in recovery mode for so long (really since March when he left), that It's been harder for me to stop being in recovery mode, even though I know he's not there right now (maybe never will be). He's a classic conflict avoider, and this instance has been no exception. I am going to try to keep things light and not "relationship" based for the next 2 months, as I really (someday) would like to still have him for a friend (it's essential, I think, when raising kids together). I appreciate your insight. I also need to learn to forgive him even though he hasn't sought forgiveness, just to let go of all the pain for myself.<p>Thanks again!
MOM