I posted as Disconnected in Emotional Needs, but have discovered my problems are much more complex than that. I first visited this website to just smooth out a little rough spot in my marriage and find I have nothing to work with. Dr. H's column talks about the importance of recreational interests. My husband and I do not have a single common interest. We married due to our mutual contentment to be independent and do our own thing. I can see now that it was a bad way to begin, but how in the world do we fix it? Neither of us want a divorce, but he needs more intimacy and I am content the way things are. I have thought, during the three years we have been married, we were having a great life together. Now I find it is not so great for him.<P>

It is CRUCIAL that you develop recreational interests TOGETHER. But each of you must be genuine in your willingness to try an activity that the other enjoys. Not having a common interest is no problem. You can teach him about your favorite interest, and he can do the same for you. But there is no way this will work if the "student" is just going through the motions. In fact, it will do more harm than good. It will be very obvious to the "teacher" and will end in hurt for both of you. Don't do it with a goal that this will solve your problems. That is the wrong goal. Your goal should be to immerse yourselves in an activity that the other is passionate about. If you do, the rest will take care of itself. Try it. You will see!!

CC14:<P>In the back of some of Harley's books (probably His Needs/Her Needs), and in the 5 steps to Romantic Love workbook, there are a huge list of recreational activities that you and your husband can each rate.<P>I'd suggest that you do so (perhaps order the Romantic Love workbook). Find those few things you have in common---the ratings go from plus to neutral to minus. You want to start doing things you're both positive about, or (if there are none) things that one of you may be neutral about, but that the other one likes.<P>I'm guessing that you will find something in there that you can start to do together. It's very important that you take the first step. It may feel unnatural at first, but I'm betting that it will quickly become better.

It is ironic that I am the content one in the realtionship, yet my husband is the one who is not interested in a shared recreation/interest. He is an avid golfer. He spends every weekend, holiday and vacation day on the golf course. He plays with a group of guys and it is STRICTLY a guy thing. He DOES NOT want me to take up golf -- and I can't say I particularly care to. He doesn't even want me to drive the cart -- so that's a dead end. It also doesn't leave an awful lot of time to develop much of anything. I own a bookstore and work six days a week -- it is work I love and is my main interest/work/hobby. He hasn't read a book since the last one he was assigned to read in college.<BR>I have been racking my brain for a couple of weeks -- maybe Dr. Harley's book will give me some ideas. I did ask H last weekend to list his emotional needs. Instead of picking the top five he ranked all ten in order. As you might guess -- recreational interest was last on the list. Another question I have is that if recreational interest is not an emtional need for either spouse -- why is it so important?

CC14:<P>The workbook would help you out. It helps you devise a plan to follow the "Four Rules for Successful Marriages".<P>The one you're really missing on right now is the "Rule of Time". You and your husband should be spending 15 hours/week together with quality time---meeting each other's needs (sex, affection, conversation, recreational).<P>If your husband didn't rate "recreational companionship" high, then you shouldn't focus on it (and in relationships where its unimportant for both spouses, Dr. Harley would say "skip it"). Focus on his needs. He should do the same for you. But you must take the time together to do this.

K,<BR>Thanks -- I'll put those in my book order today. I also think I may have discovered a problem I have. I am not sure I have ANY emotional needs. Is that possible?<BR>I mean, I expect reasonable financial and domestic support from my husband because he lives with me, but I certainly do not need it as an individual. In other words -- I expect him to carry his own load. Other than that there is not really anything I feel that I need from him. Therefore, even when I am attempting to meet his needs -- and even succeeding -- he feels frustrated because he has nothing to give back, or rather nothing that I need.

CC14,<BR>One of the genuine pleasures in marriage is doing something which brings pleasure to your spouse. From what you are saying, it seems unlikely that your H would be able to do anything which could bring you pleasure. If this is true, it is no wonder that he is frustrated. If he can't make you smile, laugh, and contribute to your happiness, and if he doesn't believe that you feel fortunate to be his wife, his self esteem is rock bottom. Is there anything that your H does that makes you happy?? There must be something that he does that you appreciate.<BR>Let him know!!! Be genuine. <BR>Many Hs are reactionaries. They respond to<BR>their perceptions of their W's disposition at any given time. If you have no needs, your H has no clue how to respond, except to feel unneeded and worthless. He will be unlikely to feel differently unless he thinks that he is an important part of your life. If you want your relationship to develop, I am afraid that you will have to figure out a way to do that. Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by mayberryrf (edited December 02, 1999).]

cc14:<P>No, I think it highly unlikely that you have no emotional needs. You may be used to being independent and taking care of those needs for yourself, but you certainly would have emotional needs.<P>You can work through this workbook and identify them. Your top 5---even if they rank "low" on an absolute scale, are areas that your husband can work on to help his balance in your lovebank.<P>