I don't even know where to begin. I basically found out about 2 months ago that my wife does not want to be married anymore.<p>A little background: I'm 34, she's 37. She's been married before (5yrs) one child, age 9. My first marriage. We have a baby girl, 17 months old. Both of us are flight attendants, this is where we met. We've been married 4 yrs.<p>Well, all this started out with her saying we should go to counseling, which she says she wanted to do 2 years ago, but with our jobs, baby, etc. we just never did. I was willing, then, and now. She says that she's not happy and any decision she makes is not going to be a quick one (she says she feels she left her first husband too quick). She said she wanted to talk with a professional about her feelings, and that it would be a long time (she said a year) before anything would be decided.<p>Well, before our first appointment Nov 15th, I started asking her why, how, etc. about her feelings. Prior to even going, she sounded as if she had her mind made up, to leave me. Told me she doesn't want to be married to anyone, doesn't even like my personality anymore, maybe it's better without a man in the house, she hated our wedding, and much more.<p>I have to add that since my wife returned to work after having the baby, we have had totally opposite schedules with only one day off together (which is used to catch up on chores you can't do while watching a baby).<p>I immediately suspected an affair. I asked her if anything was going on, she said there wasn't. How can someone change so quickly, I thought. <p>We've had other issues in our marriage with the blended family, and her feeling towards my mother (story would make this post much too long). I thought all these things could be worked on.<p>Then, we go to counseling on Nov 15 together, then each of us separately once. Well, the counselor gives me the names of a few books to read about saving my marriage, and tells her to go read this post-divorce book (The Good Divorce). <p>I just don't know what to think anymore. I am very committed to this marriage, but obviously, she is not. She felt so bad and guilty for breaking up her son's family with her first divorce, but now she's ready to do it again to our daughter's.<p>Sorry for the lengthy post, but sometimes it just helps to write. Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated

continue to pray, and i'll pray for you. give it to GOD! he know the future (jeremiah 29:11). Also, visit a website called restorem.org-it will change your life and give you the hope you need.<p>also, get into reading the bible daily! since my husband and I separated, I have depended solely on God for guidance. I am getting through this day by day with His help, it's the only way.<p>Be strong, and walk by faith, not by sight (II Cor 5:7).

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

there is some good news here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>she is going to seek help to decide! this says she hasnt truly decided what she feels...there is still a chance ! yesssss<p>do what you can to keep her interested in you even tho it will be difficult [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
try to find out what her life is missing ..talk talk and talk <p>there is NO substitute for honesty at all levels and communicating even samll needs <p>you have a chance [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>break a leg my friend ..and do try if it makes you happy to be with her!

Well, we went to the counselor together, and she basically said from what my wife told her, she has her mind made up, she is thinkly clearly, she has thought about this for a very long time, etc, and this is definately what she wants (divorce). I asked the counselor when someone comes in and tells you all this (like my wife did) don't you say to yourself, "Whoa, wait a minute..." Like what if she's just going through something? She said that when people come in like this, there's usually a sign of hope, or a sign of uncertainty. She said she saw none of this in my wife.<p>She told us, or me for that matter, that now we have to work on how we can end this relationship with the least amount of pain.<p>Needless to say, I am experiencing more hurt than before. I can't believe that she wants to walk away from this marriage so easily. I'm willing to do what it takes to save it, but she could care less.<p>Any help or suggestions are greatly aprreciated.<p>Thanks

Well, everything is pretty much the same. We are still living together "going through the motions" of everyday life. No more "I love you" s being exchanged. <p>The other day we were talking about our money, and she mentioned something about me geting an apartment, so I asked her how soon did she think "all this" was going to happen. She replied, "I don't know." Maybe this is a good sign, maybe I have some time to work on this.<p>Well, no one has replied recently, so I decided to reply myself and bump me up in the posts.<p>Thanks

1 more ex,<p>Here's some info incase you haven't read it. I strongly recommend you read about plan A. Also, posting about the things you are doing to plan A could help you by getting suggestions back from others.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=005023<p>Take care,<p>ANNA<p>[ December 18, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Not to doubt the counselor, but things can always change. You should still read the info. on this site. At least attempt Plan A so that you can look back on this and be able to tell yourself and your children that you honesty did everything that you could to save the marriage. <p>I have to say that my WH says all the time that he knows what he wants and that he's happy etc. He puts on a good front to some - but there are also other signs which have developed over time that are proving him wrong.<p>Your wife's opinion may change based on your behavior and how you handle the situation. But you need to get started ASAP! Let her make all the moves to leave, don't talk about divorce - read info. on this site and there are also other books too that can assist.<p>It still seems way too early to throw in the towel. K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 1moreEXinTX:
<strong>No more "I love you" s being exchanged.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Here is the first thing to change right off. Start the "I love you" stuff going. Even if it's only you to her.<p>Check out the EN section of this site for more ideas on how to make her more comfortable with you.<p>And above all else...pray...pray...pray.<p>jdb<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: J.D. Black ]</p>

A friend's wife wanted divorce- mind was made up- they have a 3.5 yr old D- counselor washed their hands- husband was like, OK guess the relationship's over- now 3 months after separation both are saying, maybe we didn't do enough. But there's been alot of pain- neither one wants to take a babystep toward the other- neither one wants to look at themself- so they stay on the road to divorce.
Learn everything on this site- go over to the other boards- not just Divorcing/Divorced you're not there yet. Say I love you, I want our marriage, we are the best people to raise our beautiful children together- if things are wrong- let's make this marriage into something wonderful. Find out her needs, don't love bust.And switch counselors! You don't need a counselor that gives you a divorce book!
My husband was in an A for 5 months, wanted to leave- we had two MCs- the first one was terrible. Now we are counseling with Steve he is the Best! My husband has learned so much, and grown so much and I have too.And we have rediscovered love after 14 yrs of marriage.
Your wife can leave but she will face the same problems with the next man if she can't communicate. It will be hard to find a good man with 2 failed marriages and 2 kids (but don't tell her that it's a threat and a lovebuster)
Look hard for an affair- as Steve says, most people don't leave to be alone........unless the situation is really abusive. If there isn't one, she may be like my friend's wife- hasn't found "the one" yet but is actively shopping for the next replacement model.She left with a clear idea that she would go out there to find herself a better husband rather than working out the problems with the one she had. The problem is she did try- but lacked the knowledge and tools of this site to help make changes happen.

Hello again,<p>Thanks for the replies.<p>I guess I stopped saying, "I love you," when, to me, it felt awkward, after all she's said to me. I thought, if she doesn't say it, why should I? <p>I guess I should not have stopped saying it. I am going to try to find a new counselor. She, I think , is going to continue seeing the present one. This could be bad.<p>I am going to take my D to my home town on Christmas day and spend time with my family, without the W. I will be there for about 2 wks. With all the stuff that has happened recently, it seems like I can't get there fast enough. <p>Thanks agian for the help, I need and welcome all suggestions.