Hello everyone-<p>It has been awhile since I have posted. In that time I have read Why Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson and have implemented a sort of Plan B with tough love. My WH is an alcoholic and Plan A was not working for me, he was simply manipulating me too much. Al-Anon urges us to take ownership only for things within our control. I realized my husband was using me to keep the needs I was meeting covered and that this was in fact enabling him and driving me nuts so cut him off. My WH has definately reacted, but I am still not sure what the outcome will be, it is simply too soon.<p>My father who has lung cancer has also been rapidly deteriorating. This last week hospice was called in and we are now keeping a daily vigil at my parents' house. It has been very rough yet we are surviving and are ready to let him go.<p>My WH saw my dad this past Thurs. for the first time in four months. The goodbye was very hard on my WH. He went on a binge the next day and now is avoiding the topic. I know he is hurting, but he is the king of denial, furthermore, I have myself, my children, and the rest of my family to worry about. <p>Friday he called drunk and asked what he could do for us. I swear he mumbled I love you to me over the phone, but when I asked him to repeat himself he said that I had heard him and knew what he said. He then hung up only to call back 15 minutes later and say, "Don't you have something to tell me?" He now says it was nothing when I ask him what he said or meant, but it isn't nothing. Granted it might not change anything, but it was something.<p>I don't know, in the past months I have come into a much clearer understanding of myself and what I want. I understand that my husband is a mess and that only he can help himself. He is still with the OW, but he seems more miserable than ever. In the past month he has told me twice how much he hates his life.<p>This is all so much to handle. Losing my dad is probably the worst experience I have ever had. All this stuff with my H just makes it worse. I wish I knew where my H was coming from. I could really use his support right now and not just with our kids. I need him. Any suggestions?<p>Keep us in your prayers. I'll keep you posted.<p>K

Hi Still Reeling<p>I have not posted in a while and only occationally lurk. But reading your thread I felt I need to at least say something.<p>My dad passed away about 4 years ago of lung cancer. It was sudden and I was ill prepared for his death. The cancer killed him in 4 months, since we found out. Those were the hardest months of my life. It is so painful to watch someone suffer the indigity that cancer bestows on its victims. I am so sorry that your dad too has to go through this. My advice is to spend all the time that you can with him, so you do not have regrets about not spending enough time with him later. Let him know that you are there for him and just hold his hand and comfort and pray for him. I don't think I will ever recover from my dad's passing. My divorce was final on 19/10/2001 and the pain when I think about my dad is still greater. I still needed him desperately in my life and will always miss him, but he is always close to my heart.<p>Your H sounds so much like mine did. It is amazing
how they cannot deal with reality, but instead go on a drinking binge. Becareful of his manipulation, I know that you need him desperately now to give you the support that you need while you are going through the hardest time in your life. But he is also draining you of the little strength that you have left by playing his games. If he wanted to you to know that he loved you he would not have minded saying it ten times. He again reminds me of my XH. He will send me an sms telling me that he loves me, but no phone call. I think that my XH needs me to say that I love him, so that he can feel ok about himself for a while. Well I think you should try plan B and stick to it. Good luck.<p>Pantha

Thanks for the support Pantha. I know from past threads how much my WH and your XH are alike. You are right, they are very draining. Thanks for the reassurence.<p>My dad was diagnosed only 7 months ago. It has been very hard. He was a health nut, did everything right, never smoked, and yet he gets lung cancer and had his life turned upside down. I have been fortunate due to exteneded maternity leave and living in the same town to have spent a great deal of time with him. I consider myself very lucky and am at peace with things.<p>How is life post divorce going? You sound good. I hope things are looking up.<p>K

Hi still reeling<p>You asked how things are going post divorce... well I've hit the point where I am feeling very sad again. I am lonely and miss being married, but I also don't miss the stress that was constantly a part of my life then. I guess I am mourning the loss of him now, but still have to see him when he comes to collect his things, which is going to be really hard. He blurted out on the phone yesterday that he has already found someone else. That hurt me incredibly, I didn't think it would but it did, so I still have a lot of pain to let go of. Otherwise I am taking my life just one day at a time (or more like an hour/minute at a time). <p>Do you feel stronger when you have no contact with H for a while, and then feel very weak once you have had contact with him again? That is how I would feel. If that is what is happening - just be aware of it, and ask yourself if he is really what you want now. Yes if he fixes himself up, I am sure you would want him back, but do you want him back the way that he is now?<p>I am really sorry that you are going through all this now.<p>Pantha

Hi again Pantha-<p>Hang in there. I can only imagine how you feel and know that I will be there too once my divorce is final. Who knows when that will be though, there have been so many unrelated things that have bumped back things, it is weird, I often wonder what God is doing. I feel like if you want this to work then lets fix it, otherwise let me go on. I know you can relate. Right now I am pretty numb to everything where our relationship is concerned. <p>Your X sounds a lot like my WH. Mine loves to blurt out anything that makes him seem happy, moving on, etc. I know they do it for themselves because they are miserable, but it hurts none-the-less.<p>Yes I do feel better, stronger, etc. when I have no contact with him. We have four kids so I have quite a bit of contact, but on his down days, especially when he is mad at me or whatever and trying to make a point so he doesn't call to check the kids or talk, everything is so much calmer.<p>I have to admit that I still love him, but you are right, I do not him back until he fixes himself and until then I am so much better off. I do not miss the stress of dealing with his problems on a daily basis. I am giving it to God. If we are meant to be we will.<p>Take care and keep in touch,
K

HI K
You have truly had more that your share! And YES, he did mean it. He is also so predictable, going on a binge after seeing your Dad could not have been a surprise.<p>You do need his support and maybe it's beyond him to give it, however ASK. Give him the chance to "be the man". What have you got to loose. I really believe that with all that has gone on, he does love you and even may want to come home. He is so deep into his desease he does not know how.<p>I want to give you an update on my D. After spending several days with my Al-anon sponser, I had come to some really good enlightenments. As you know she has been acting out lately, more than ever really angry. Then she asks for her Christmas money early. We tell her that we will subtract what she owes us and she can have the rest(she also has a birthday at this time so that money too). Anyway, I wrote a letter to her and gave it to her when I gave the money to her. The letter said, " I have come to realize how much I have hurt you. I wish I could go back and make the past right. What I can do is to tell you that I want this hurt to end. I hurt too! I will do anything that it takes to make this happen. I'm asking you to go with me to the counselor of your choise so we can talk.<p>She was so amazingly receptive I was taken back. She even said that she had done some really stupid things and wanted this also. Well, now it's up to her and who knows if it will happen or not.<p>The point is, sometimes we have to take the step and ask. I know your situation is not the same and it does seem that he could see that you need him but when they are in the desease, they can't. He knows what he has done, he knows the hurt he has caused, he is stuborn and prideful and can't bring himself to do what he needs to do. <p>Don't expect him to say that he will but ask anyway. <p>I think that my D has been into my computer. She doenot live here but I still think she may have been there. You can still E-mail me, but I wanted you to know.