My husband and I have a history of communication problems. He usually flairs up in anger. As a result, I don't talk to him about our marriage very much. At least, when we were fighting, we were communicating. Now we don't communicate at all. A week ago, my husband told me (in anger as he has many times) that he wants a divorce. We went through three days of the cold war while my emotions fell deep into the valley. When he woke on day 4, he acted as if nothing ever happened. My first reaction to this was that he's staying because I have something he needs. Then I just welcomed the cold war being over. However, I still feel hurt. I still feel anger towards him. I want to laugh with him. I want to have quality time with him. But I can't because of my repressed feelings. I want to ask him what the last week was all about and why the sudden change but I'm so afraid of fighting again--or, I'm afraid of the real truth. I guess I looking to the forum to tell me what they think was going on but I know the answers can only come from my husband. I don't know what to do. I know that we need to talk so that we can remove these layers of repressed feelings.<BR>

If your husband is getting angry each time you try to talk about your marriage, you may need to look at how the two of you are communicating. When do these discussions usually come up? Is it at a time when one of you is already stressed or tired? Also, is it possible that the things you say are putting him on the defensive? If he gets angry, he probably feels like you are accusing him of something. Try focusing your statements on yourself, and phrasing them in a fashion that is not accusatory or likely to cause him to be angry. <BR>It's normal to want to avoid unpleasant situations, but bottling your feelings up inside doesn't help either. Like you said, when you were fighting, at least you were communicating. There will be no change if you don't talk about how you feel.<BR>I suspect your husband said he wanted a divorce simply as a way of lashing out in his anger...he was being deliberately hurtful in response to how he was feeling. If he's now acting like nothing happened, he probably didn't mean it. That doesn't make it any less painful an experience though.<BR>You don't say how long you've been married, or whether or not you've had counselling to deal with your difficulties. Perhaps a counsellor could help you learn to communicate in a more healthy manner.<BR>Meanwhile, think carefully about how you typically approach him when you want to talk, and how you could adjust that so it would be less threatening to him. Good luck to you.

I posted a reply to one of your other messages before. Here is my answer in a nutshell. Your husband is feeling trapped. He does not sound like he is a happy person right now and is laying the blame on you for this. <P>As for the question about his behavior and seeming to have forgotten that he just ripped your heart out in one of the most sadistic ways possible. I can not answer that without more information about him. However, my first guess is that he does not know how to tell you that he is sorry. Apologizing in an honest and open fashion is something that is learned and it takes quite a bit of insight into ones own self. It’s one thing to say “sorry for hurting you” and something different to realize what you have done be able to swallow your pride. Often, we justify our actions by blaming others. Sometimes, the “sorry for hurting you” is really “sorry you hurt”. Big difference! It may be far easier (in the short run) to just not say anything and forget about it. The problem is that it adds up and the real solution is far more difficult than coming up with an acceptable apology. It is taking responsibility for your own actions and your own happiness. <P>I know that I offer no solutions… Unfortunately, if I had solutions that I could fit into a message reply, I would not even be on this board…. I might be able to identify some problems but I am here looking for solutions for many of the same problems… <BR>

One thing I learned last night from my hubby is that he feels very insecure aa a man and in our relationship, since his history has shown him that he will be abandoned. Any comments or questions I ask him increases that insecurity, gives him the sense that he is no good, etc and ergo the immediate defense response. He also identifed some of the things I do that affirms his fears that I will abandon him. I do know that my hubby says the divorce word as a defense for the perceived hurt he feels and justifies it as giving back what he got, but at the same time he has said he felt stupid and angry at himself for saying it and that it increases the egg on his face feeling. To discuss it, apologize, etc would just again focus on his failings and he already feels so vulnerable that he doesn't want to reexperience the feelings. Something to think about.

Sounds like you two had a good talk. How did you feel about the things he told you make him afraid that you will abandon him? Are they easy things to change? It is a hard battle to fight against things that other people did or didn't do to him...it seems unfair to be judged on other people's actions. Did you tell him how it made you feel when he said he wanted a divorce? What a shame that we are driven to say such cruel things when we are angry, and then regret them as soon as they are out of our mouths.

I want to thank everyone for their input. I really do have a new understanding towards my husband. Stile, you hit the hammer on the nail when you said he's feeling trapped. In his own way, he did say that. I chose not to hear this. But I hear it now and will try to work with this. And we very, very rarely say "I'm sorry." And, SueB, abandonment could very well be an issue with him. This is his third marriage. His first two wives wanted out. And when his son was 15 or 16 years old, he wanted nothing to do with his father. His son is now 26 and they've just begun to communicte via e-mail. Tiny Baby, we'll be married 7 years in December. I still haven't figured out the best way to approach him when I want to talk. But I'm working on it. Again, thank you everyone. You really have helped.