I have been married to my wife for a little more than two years (we're late 20's, no kids) and one day two weeks ago she told me the following things: <p>1) I don't feel like I'm happy with our relationship, 2) there's somebody at work that I'm attracted to and I kissed him while I was drunk, 3) we don't do enough fun things together and maybe that's because we don't want to spend time together, 4) I'm not satisfied with our sex life, 5) I don't think we allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other, 6) I don't feel like there is a spark or chemistry between us and I feel like there never was. This is a relationship that she very much pursued and wanted in the beginning. <p>I would agree that we had a marriage that I might have called in a rut and lacking passion. She suggested that we see counselor and the counselor suggested that we work on things to work on our relationship. But all those things are irrelevant if my wife doesn't know if she loves me.<p>
I posted this story about a week ago. In the past week, we have been to counseling twice, she insists that she has no other contact with this person at work. <p>However, she also insists in saying , "I know that now I don't feel like I am in love with you and I feel like it is likely that I never can be." Is it possible that she is just confused and this is the only way she can react or should I just take her at her word and move on. (As a side note, my W has lost about 30 pounds in the past year or so, and says she feels differently about herself now).<p>Up to this point, I have told her that I want to have the chance for both of us to work on our relationship, but she doesn't seem to want to listen.<p>To all those people that have been there before, any thoughts? Thank you for the support.

what was your thoughts and response to the first posting of this question?<p>click on the link below to find it<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=005124<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Basically, I thought all the response were good, and my wife and I are both intelligent rational people (maybe too rational), she has framed most of her responses since in a non-blaming me fashion. <p>I try to stay away from being angry, but its hard. If this is her decision I can respect that, but I am still so angry over the way she went about it. Basically, deciding that she didn't want to married anymore and seeking out someone else rather than coming to me to talk about it, and then telling me within two weeks of this revelation that she thinks counseling would be a waste, because she is certain that her feelings won't change. I feel she is being stubborn, but I can't change that. <p>Now she wants to leave, and I sort of do too, because it is nearly impossible for us to be in the house together. <p>She won'treally get into discussions about "her needs" and "my needs", because she keeps saying that we don't have "chemistry" or a "spark". Those are both nebulous terms, that are nearly impssible to work with.

Yea, they all say that about their feelings, its a pretty standard line, AND IT IS TRUE IF THE CURRENT SITUATION DOES NOT CHANGE.<p>OK, here is my best answer. . . <p>You tell her that you, not her, don't want to make any hasty decisions, even if divorce is the right decision.<p>Then you get on the phone to the Harleys, like right now, like after you read this message, as they specialize in situations like this, and you pay your money, and find out what you need to do to figure out your options.<p>so what are you going to do?<p>this could be the best call of your life, and Steve is very good at convincing the non-changing feeling spouse that it can change.<p>WIFTTy

Also, I would stay in the house, and make her move out. Again, you have to realize that this is about her, and partly you, but you can only change yourself.<p>So now, what part of the problem are you responsible for?<p>WIFTTy

Here's how to start:<p>Tell your wife that you understand why she is unhappy and that you acknowledge her feelings. Let her know that you made a committment to her (marriage) and that you need to be sure that you are both making the right decision because you feel that divorce is a very significant choice. Let her know that you don't want to have any regrets and ask for her help in this department.<p>If you are going to seperate, you need to come up with a seperation agreement and involves some sort of specific times that you will see each other.<p>If your wife is willing to go see a counselor, do it, but choose carefully - there are two types of counselors: 1) Those neutral to marriage 2) Those that are pro-marriage. If you're involved at a church at all, seek couseling there because you'll always find #2.<p>To address her specific issues:<p>1) Acknoledge her unhappyness and let her know that you are unhappy too. You do not want to continue an unhappy marriage, but you would like to try and do something about it, if for no other reason that to be able to say that you did your best to work it out... That way you can both go on without regrets.<p>2) Let your wife know that until you are divorced that you consider her to still be your wife and it would hurt you to know that she is involved with someone else. Just the idea that you wife is drawn to someone else hurts your feelings. (Let her know these things, but don't get angry with her)<p>3) If you wife agrees to at least try or see you during a seperation, set up a "date" night where you can spend time alone and talk about issues or do something that you both enjoyed in the past. One of the biggest mistakes that young couples make (myself included) is that we do not make QUALITY time for each other - you have to get away from friends, away from the house, and away from your normal environment.. In a healthy marriage, this should be done on a regular basis...<p>4) Does your wife like/want sex more than you? (You're LUCKY!! - Sorry, kidding) Ask your wife what you could do to make your sex life more satisfying.. Ask her while you're out on your "date". Just the discussion of the topic can be erotic and rather provocative. AT ALL COSTS - AVOID DISAGREEING with what your wife tells you. If she tells you that she "feels" or "thinks" something, you CAN NOT disagree with her, no matter how unreasonable that thought or feeling is. This point is paramount. If I knew more about why your wife was dissatisifed, I might be able to make a suggestion..<p>5) Emotional togetherness comes with a good relationship and time. It's not something that you can fix overnight or reason out together in a logical fashion. Let your wife know that you recognize the disconnect and you'd very much like to do something about it.<p>6) Acknowlege the lack of chemistry/spark currently. Don't disagree with her, but remind her that there was once something that drew you two together, even if that something is very hard to remember right now.<p>
I very much suggest a pro marriage counselor.. Approach your wife with the idea that this is something you'd like to fix at best and at a minimum would like to be sure that you're not making a mistake that you'll regret later in life. There's nothing to lose by giving this issue a bit of attention now, even if she thinks it's too late. Also let her know that you feel limited and would like to get some help with these issues, since you've been unable to work through them on your own...<p>-d<p>1) I don't feel like I'm happy with our relationship, 2) there's somebody at work that I'm attracted to and I kissed him while I was drunk, 3) we don't do enough fun things together and maybe that's because we don't want to spend time together, 4) I'm not satisfied with our sex life, 5) I don't think we allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other, 6) I don't feel like there is a spark or chemistry between us and I feel like there never was. This is a relationship that she very much pursued and wanted in the beginning.

Thanks for the help, here are some more problems that may indicate the gravity of the situation.<p>My wife has basically said that before (in my belief, before she lost all this weight) in the back of her mind she had doubts about the chemistry between us, however she told herself that the fact that I was a kind, good person that was attractive was enough. But now, she is saying that after reviewing the past six years she is facing her true feelings for the first time and realizing that she married me because I am a kind, good, attractive person rather than actually being IN love with me. The fact that she was kissed by someone else at work who constantly complimented her to make her feel more attractive probably didn't hurt. <p>My W believes that she didn't lose the feelings that she is talking about, but rather that she never had them in the first place.<p>Her basic problem with sex is that she doesn't feel like she is enjoying because we lack a true emotional connection<p>The counselor that we went to basically said that he tries to be pro-marriage, but that basically he can't do anything if one of the parties adamantly doesn't have any interest in making the marriage work because of a certainty about their feelings.

Chuckle,<p>blah, blah, don't believe the revisionist history. I have lovey dovey cards from the x UNTIL the last year of the marriage. Then she said she had been unhappy for over 10 years.<p>that's the fog talking. . . .
she is stuck in the past.<p>have you called the harley's yet? there are differences you can make without her agreement, she just wants you to change.<p>so what has been your part in not fulfilling her emotional needs as you see/figure them. and no, you don't need her approval or her response, you should be able to figure it out after reading the material and exercising the brain a little.<p>however, you need to act like you are still married, and let her do all the rejecting and after awhile, she will notice, and then she will be confused and you have the start of a turnaround.<p>now call the harley's, damn it.<p>WIFTTy