This is what I had waiting for me in my work e-mail inbox when I arrived this morning:<p>There can be no question that the following will be confusing in light of my recent declaration. However, it has never been more clear to me. I am not in love with you and I don't want our marriage to continue. I want to pursue divorce and I want to do so in conjunction with your going to the half-way house or in close proximity to that time frame whether you go to the half-way house or not.<p>The reason for this 360 degree turn is none other than the my coming to the realization that what I want is no longer. I simply do not love you anymore and it is time to carry on with our lives otherwise. I am so beat down by this whole thing. I will not continue on this way any longer. I remain hopeful that you and I will be civil through out this and I believe that we will. You are a good person and a loving mom. Your involvement is needed and desired to the fullest. <p>I will be sending you a response to your settlement desires. I know that our primary concern is the custody issue. I am in favor of the least restrictive determination possible. That is, I agree to joint custody as long as I retain the authority to make final decisions. I have played phone tag with Terry Cromer in an effort to seek more information about this issue. I will let you know what I find out. <p>I have already expressed that I will take care of my parents and George. I do not have any desire to take any other debts. You will need to seek arrangements to have the Pontiac put in your name. I will help you do this if you wish. As I understand it you can get health insurance through your office at the firms expense. Please confirm this. Your life insurance is an automatic deduction from my bank. Let me know what you would like to do with this. I will continue to have it deducted for whatever time frame. I assume that what or however we divide our personal effects would not need to be done until you get out of the half-way house. If you do not go in January then we would need to make other arrangements. As you pointed out, I agree that we would take those furnishings which were brought into the marriage by one another. I would request that the childrens rooms be disturbed as little as possible.<p>I will be responsible for the childrens medical, dentist, extracurricular activities, after daycare/homecare and other related expenses. Likewise, I expect to claim the children as dependants for tax purposes. I believe my 401K and IRA should stay in my possession. Each is small and has not been contributed to since August of 2000. I know that there are other issues to be determined but this is a good start. Please let me know your thoughts.<p>
For those of you unfamiliar with my story here is a link to my first post:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=004173<p>I didn't respond all day and then he called me at work a couple of hours ago. He said, "are you ok?" I said, "yes." I gave him absolutely nothing. Then I sent him an email back that said this:<p>I will refrain from saying what I want to say. I am not surprised, but I am deeply hurt and disappointed. You must do whatever you must do and I will respond. <p>That's it. I wrote him a letter which I will not send where I did allow myself to vent. He is a selfish SOB and I really really hate him.

wiffle,<p>Hugs to you....I am so sorry it has come to this. <p>My H sent me a similar letter a while ago, not in as much detail, but certainly as hurtful.<p>All I did was begin my Plan B and try to move on with the knowledge that he didn't want to save the marriage. I actually found Plan B kind of freeing, because I did not have to be trying so hard all the time in the face of constant rejection.<p>Yes you are right, he, like all WS's are selfish.<p>It is now time to look after yourself and the kids' future. I don't know the laws there, but I do know that ALL assets here in Australia are included in settlements, unless agreed to by both parties.<p>I am about to hit the lawyers myself to determine settlement details, and so I know how hard that will be for you.<p>hugs again.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Wiffle - as I read your post I kept thinking..<p>for better or worse, 'till death do us part..<p> I admire your apparent strength and willingness to adress the issues as you see them.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He is a selfish SOB and I really really hate him<hr></blockquote><p>I'm curious, did he support you during the past year? ( if I have the time frames right)<p>It sucks that now you have to add this to everything else.<p>Do you know if you want to fight for the relationship?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There can be no question that the following will be confusing in light of my recent declaration<hr></blockquote><p> What declaration would that be?<p>Dan

The "declaration" of about 10 days ago where he said he was willing to work on it. He first mentioned divorce in aug 01, then in October he actually filed, but on Nov. 26, he said he wanted to try and work things out.
He has been somewhat supportive over the past year. But, I think he really misses the "facade" of a good marriage. I think he is shallow and self-absorbed and full of *hit. Did I mention he is an attorney?

Why did you marry an attorney, for god's sakes?<p>Its as bad as marrying a home plate umpire. . . .
they have no feelings, they just think they are gods in suits.<p>ggack!<p>sportsguy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Wiffle:
<strong>The "declaration" of about 10 days ago where he said he was willing to work on it. He first mentioned divorce in aug 01, then in October he actually filed, but on Nov. 26, he said he wanted to try and work things out.
He has been somewhat supportive over the past year. But, I think he really misses the "facade" of a good marriage. I think he is shallow and self-absorbed and full of *hit. Did I mention he is an attorney?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Wiffle,<p>I know this is all devastating for you, but I wonder if you realize just how devastated your husband and family must be over your choices. I think your husband feels betrayed. He needs reassurance. All this must of been such a shock to him. It will take a long, long time for him to get this trust back. I think you need to continue with plan A and be patient.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Oh Anna,
Thanks for your reply. I hope I don't sound defensive, but yes, I do realize just how impactful my choices have been. I have been living with the consequences of my actions for 17 months +. Before the discovery (and firing and prosecution and sentencing hearing..) I was living with my choices alone and in silence. Actually the light of day and even the publicity and public humiliation have been preferable to the internal hell I was dealing with.
I know I have put an enormous burden on my family. I fight the guilt of that daily.
I have come to recognize and understand a lot about my self and my demons through intense counseling, prayer and faith. One of the important things I now know is that I did not get to be who I am in a vacuum. I AM NOT ABDICATING MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS! My friends and those close to me will tell you I have stood up and taken full responsibility for what I have done and the terrible choices I have made. I do not under any circumstances consider myself a victim.
However, mental illness is a very complex thing. Had I felt "safer" and had a more trusting relationship with my H, my depression might not have gotten to the point it did and I do not believe would have manifested itself in the way it did. I would give my left arm if I had been able to say "HELP - I need help". In my need to please everyone and be the 'perfect wife, friend, mother, daughter, executive, volunteer, sister....' I lost me. Me got pushed so far to the bottom of the trash can that nothing mattered if it only hurt me. The embezzlement was an enormous scream for help that could not be ignored.
None of this explanation excuses my choices or in any way makes anyone but ME culpable for them. I just offer it as information.
I think our society has less tolerance for mental issues than other physical ailments. If I had cancer, who would sympathize with my husband for leaving? Depression (especially untreated or self-medicated) is as debilitating as cancer. But it is the hush-hush disease. <p>Anyway, I digress. Thanks again for your thoughts. I appreciate sincerely everyone who takes time out of their own suffering to respond to others. That is the beauty of this forum.

Wiffle,<p>You should take pride in all the progress you have made. I hope you continue bettering yourself, I think you made a huge step. However, I think you still have some way to go and do think you recognize this and that is so very good.<p>I know of two persons who have been to prison. <p>One person embezzeled money from our neighborhood. A huge sum of money. He put our neighborhood in the red and left us poor as a neighborhood. He had many excuses. He had blame for everyone and everything. He told people that our neighborhood wanted to see his family be without a father and starve because of the charges we filed.<p>He never "got it". He never saw he made these choices. He never saw the danger he put his family in. The humiliation he put his family through. The blame was incredible. Even as he got out of prison, I hear he still blames. Everyone but himself.<p>The other person was for insider trading. He put his family through humiliation. His daughters, his wife. For his own greediness of never having enough money. He went to prison and risked everything because of his greediness. He didn't learn a thing, once out he put his family through this risk once again. <p>I hope you learned this incredible lesson. The price looks very steep, but know it could have been worse.<p>I hear you when you say this was a cry for help. However I am glad you see your actions were still your actions. You made the choice to steal instead of get the help you need. Even though you have made these giant steps, and you should take pride in this, as stated, there as still things you need to work on. You said you know the excuses doesn't justify what you did, however, I think your husband still sees you as making excuse as long as you remind him or your family of these. <p>I hope you don't mind but I am going to get really personal here and tell you what I think it'll take for you to have a "chance" at getting your husband back. It may not happen but with what I am seeing it won't with the direction you are going in.<p>Okay, here's the things I think
your husband may need to hear from you...<p>He basically needs 5 things, humility, gratitude, appreciation, respect, and validation.<p>First, you need to humble yourself. No more calling your spouse a selfish SOB. Even if it's not to him, thinking this is wrong. <p>Second, Your attitude towards him needs to change. It needs to be more of gratitude for trying the past 17 months instead of giving up now. He's been through an awful lot.<p>Third and fourth, he needs respect and appreciation from you. You need to thank him for all the efforts he made to keep you out of prison, you need to thank him for trying all these months to get passed the hurt and betrayal your actions caused in your marriage. <p>Fifth, you need to validate his feelings and tell him you understand how this trust is gone and you see your actions alone caused the distruction of your marriage. (Just a side note...Yes, it does take two persons to cause a marriage to be in a poor condition, but often it takes a major betrayal to finally destroy a marriage). <p>Lastly, you need tell him if he ever wishes to try to work on the marriage, you will welcome him with open arms and all humility.<p>I could easily be a person who just post here to support you and say something like, "I'm so sorry he gave up, he won't try anymore, he's being selfish." I won't though, because I care enough to tell you the truth. I want your marriage to work and if I said that, and you continue with the attitude you have, your marriage will surely fail. If you take my advice, you still may not get him back, but your chances just increased. <p>Take care,<p>ANNA