Background: BS, 35, M, 3 kids, DDay 12/10/00. WS has continued contact throughout. <p>Last week we had a discussion about breaking emotional ties so we could get on with life. Discussed several things and made some commitments to each other for each others sanity. I thought I really let her go. I thought it would be a defining moment and it felt like it at the time. Since then she has continued to lie and that hurt me again because we agreed to be honest and considerate "friends". I expressed my disappointment but did not get angry. However, I fell angry and betrayed again. <p>My eyes have really been opened now and I know I am enabling. I want to get out of this place and on with my life. I realized that I have been angry for about a week and part of that is because I miss her. I guess I'm going through withdrawals of the relationship we have. I am also totally unprepared because I have focused so hard on her and the M that I don't know were to go from here. I know letting go is hard but I want to do this. I don't want to be a crutch anymore. <p>Anybody out there that can help me. I learned a lot about rebuilding M's on this site and it has made me a better person. I never thought I'd be asking this but I feel like I'm starting over again and need some advice on how to tear down the M and become a better person.<p>
help,<p>
who<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: whothehellisshe ]</p>

You said: Last week we had a discussion about breaking emotional ties so we could get on with life. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------breaking emotional ties is not something you should be discussing with her. It defeats the purpose. How can you break emotional ties if you are talking about deep emotional issues like that. Here is a list I got from www.divorcebusting.com I call it an emotional divorce. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180. <p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! <p>2. No frequent phone calls <p>3. Do not point out good points in marriage <p>4. Do not follow him around the house <p>5. Do not encourage talk about the future <p>6. Do not ask for help from family members <p>7. Do not ask for reassurances <p>8. Do not buy gifts <p>9. Do not schedule dates together <p>10. Do not spy on spouse <p>11. Do not say "I Love You" <p>12. Act as if you are moving on with your life <p>13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive <p>14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. <p>15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words <p>16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING <p>17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse <p>18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing <p>19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only
show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. <p>20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) <p>21. Never lose your cool <p>22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic <p>23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) <p>24. Be patient <p>25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you <p>26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out <p>27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) <p>28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly <p>29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write <p>30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy <p>31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse <p>32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared <p>33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel <p>34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. <p>I am sorry you are here. I know you are hurting. This will help you whether you desire recovery or divorce.

notheard,<p>Thanks. I'm doing most of that. Saw a few things that I should change. I will take it to heart and think about those things I'm not doing. <p>We have talked about staying seperated for awhile but I'm just becoming more and more convinced that I should just end it now (D).<p>Having a hard time because I'm afraid that won't end the pain.

I don't know why but I'm just having a really bad day today. My worst in months. I thought I was past that. <p>
Thanks again,<p>
who

I understand the feeling of wanting a D but you are right it will not end the pain. Believe me, we tried it and reconciled after being separated 2 years + divorced 2 years. <p>I hear your pain.<p>I can relate.<p>I know all about continued contact and enabling. <p>I think if you want respect you have to demand it. If she wont give it, love yourself enough to know you deserve it and walk away.<p>Surprisingly this is usually the point when they turn around and come back - but it is not guaranteed. <p>Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B?<p>Keep posting. It sounds like you need encouragement more than advice. You have been doing this awhile now. You are not alone here.<p>There is a lot of wisdom here - but the wisdom has come through extreme pain.