Well, I finally made it to the library, and am trying to post in the middle of an open house...next to the only printer in here, so this is not my usual (unabashed) style.<p>God bless -Mike<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: waiting_for_her ]</p>

Mike,
I was so worried about you and at last I almost missed your thread.
Oh, god how I missed you - you realized why (please delete my name from your post, I'll explain you by e-mail why).
Sorry to hear that you are now in my boat concerning kids,but hope you'll settle things with #1 and #2. My #1 came to live with me and #2, finally. We still quarrel but the baby was "too much".
I can only repeat how happy I am seeing your name on the Forum and will wait to hear from you soon.
You still have my e-mail address???????
Love

(( Mike ))<p>Glad you took the time to check in us, great to hear from you.<p>I can totally relate to the floor thing. The other night Idiot Girl (My X) brought her next X to a Christmas program our oldest daughter was in. So we all sat together. Everytime I looked to my lift, where monkey boy was sitting, his eyes immediately focused on the floor in front of him. Actually I made a game out of it and it became quite fun. The best part was when Idiot girl took our other two daughters to the restroom leaving me and monkey boy alone. I swear you'd thought that he'd lost a bar of gold on that floor because he sure was studying it.<p>Anyway, have a great holiday season and do be such a stranger.

Hey Mike,<p>Glad to have talked with you today. I have missed your insight SO much, but I have coped alone okay.<p>I look forward to you being here regularly from next wek.<p>Love and light, Jacky

(((((Mike)))))<p>It is great to "see" you! Can't wait to "see" you here regularly again!

double posted - I must be really glad to see you!<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: Ragamuffin ]</p>

Mike,<p>I was so thrilled to see your name here. I look forward to catching up some. I've missed my "young luke skywalker" and "Yoda" sessions. <p>alot has happened since you've been gone. At first I thought I might have to drive to Illinois to get my "counseling" in person but somehow I managed. (the weekends the kids are at my STBXH's drive me crazy) Actually several of your buddies who also replied to your thread, especially Bill, Jacky and Nichole picked up where you left off very nicely. I even occasionally got some advice from Jacky from W-F-H's point of view. <p>It's been a while, but you've never left my thoughts. I look forward to having you back online.<p>I've really missed you.<p>Lynn

When you get on-line, e-mail me at lynndkil@aol.com

Hi Mike<p>Missed you! Thanks for all the advice you have given me and thanks for being there when I needed it. You're a great guy! Hope to see you back here soon.<p>Pantha

Thank you all for stopping by...I've missed you as well. Now, I am hooked up to broadband cable service, and I'll never go back! (Just need to keep the bills paid somehow!)<p>Well, I actually 'spoke' to OM the other day. He was getting into his car after getting gas at a station. I didn't think he'd actually speak, but he did. I did not control my tongue at all. I think things are clear between us for the time being. He said, 'hey', and I said...well, I was not as kind. There are expletives involved. I said, 'F*** you ******, you f***ing zero.' (Yes, I know...not very intellectual...) I get the sense of an attempt to manipulate my mood, too. Some of it is a stretch most likely, but there is absolutely an intent involved. I'm not sure what its purpose (if any) is, but I am curious to see what will come next.<p>Things have been basically okay, except the whole being divorced, and alienated from a lot of people that I care for. My job is about what you'd expect it to be. Lots of back-biting, and not so much actual working. I make a pretty mean pizza now, but I do not toss the dough. (Despite getting an almost daily request to do so.) I have been using NLP to examine my feelings, and life a little. Things still hurt a lot, however, and people that understand are few and far between. I pretty much walked away from my computer for a while. I met a young man in August whose son I have known since he was a baby (XW and I usaed to run a Day Care). He is an interesting guy...totally self-involved, and he is a big help (most of the time) to me as a result. I have been able to change from thinking constantly about what is happening TO me to what I need to make happen FOR me. It helps to have a lot of absolute Takers to keep the example fresh. I'm seeing a lot of that lately. It also helps (but is tragic to watch) to see a WAS in the early stages. I have found out a major truth in my life about why my children do not respect me as they should. It is not my example...I have set a good example (not shining, mind you, just good), but my XW and I argued in front of them, and she had a way of berating me in front of them (usually to get a 'compromise'...her way.). I had a way of being intractable when I felt right. She has a lot of very obvious support right now, and mine is a little more difficult to see. I regret that it has to come to this, but I think it must be inevitable at this stage...someone is right, and someone is wrong. The more she says it's not about that (if she even does), the more they feel it is. I have not been shy about saying when I thought she was not being fair.<p>Quite the ride, I must say. I remember my first night at Basic Training...wondering what I had signed on for...whether I have just made a huge mistake, or that my life suddenly turned off the road into the woods...that lasted for a few days, then I was 'in it'. I don't think I am quite 'in' this yet, but I am getting there. Last week, XW asked for Christmas decorations. I wanted to tell her no, since she had signed a paper 7 months ago that said that we had already divided the property to both parties' satisfaction. (This is not the Mini-Store, after all!) I couldn't do it!<p>What I could do, on the other hand,was take all the working strands of lights out, and hang them up here...so I did. As a sort of cosmic bonus, it rained on the box I left outside for her(AGAIN for those following along since June!)...no forecast...no real warning...just a small torrential downpour! She thanked me for them, so I told her I'd get her more. She did mess with the custody last weekend, claiming that S4 was sick...he is...a little. Oh, and he has a broken wrist, too! (Monkey bars at school.) Now, she wants to take them to XMIL's on the 23rd...Again, I want to say know...for the practice...but I have to work at 4pm, so I will 'compromise' (my definition)...she can have S3 and S4 at 4pm...BUT...the 24th is LEGALLY mine, and I don't work, so I am going to say that I want them before 12pm. Then, she has them on the 25th...again, I work, so this way it works for me, and she thinks she is getting what she asked for. (I HOPE.) We'll see. She's always been good at solving a problem over and over again, then complaining when noone knows what to do as a result. -Mike

Hey Mike,<p>Glad to see you are up and running again. Now let's hope you can stay on line!<p>I am sorry to hear how things have continued to go for you. You still sound pretty angry at the whole thing...you friend is very wise to say the things he did. You need to focus on yourself, for that is all you can change with any success.<p>As for that NLP stuff, Mike I am still very worried about that because in a lot of circles it is considered as brainwashing......if used by the wrong people for the wrong reasons. My H's OW, as you know is an expert...it expalins a lot of what H says and does. I have searched the net on this subject,. and some articles are very proud of the fact that NLP CAN manipulate people...<p>Anyway,<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

I've never read too much about using NLP on anyone other than one's self. I suppose that it could be used that way. As far as being brain-washing...I'd say that was a pretty fair characterization of some of it. Angry? Yes, again that's a pretty fair characterization. The problem is that, having gotten to withdrawal, I'm not anxious to go back into conflict, but she seems to want to 'go there' at times. I'd rather just leave all of it behind...as much as is possible, anyway. I'm also a little offended at my XSIL, who has been out here twice and has not stopped by, yet wants me to 'not be a stranger.'<p>I got a Christmas card from another XSIL (XBIL's W) addressed to 'Mr. & Mrs.', asking how 'all of' us are doing, etc. The Church (which I no longer attend) sent 'us' a box of cards with our names on it, too. Nice touch, considering they did nothing to try and save the marriage in the first place, except make me feel like it was all my fault. Whatever.<p>Yes, these are some of the things that I am angry about, but I haven't done too much about it, except those incidents that I recounted here. I have decided that I will not apologize for the way things are anymore. Like you were saying in your latest thread, and I alluded to earlier, I sense this need to control, and to blame. I just need to put my response to the side. That is where an ability to reframe things, and change their meaning is important to me. I've been told that I am not what (they want) at this point, which is supposed to be okay with me...like meatloaf on Monday, or whatever. Okay, then...they have given up the right to an opinion about me, and certainly given up consideration above and beyond what is best for me...I think that is fair. I may be wrong, but I don't think so. I also don't have that problem with S3 and S4 right now. I have to maintain that, and some of doing that involves not being a doormat to XW, or S1 and S2 for that matter. S1 is mostly mad at me for not letting him cuss out S3 about a shirt that S3 borrowed while S1 was 'on his own' the first time. He was on the edge of getting physical when I interceded. S2 doesn't want to lose his weekends watching S4 for me. I can't accept that. I need his support in this matter. He knew that.<p>So, now he is returning to OZ in January...is that right? You know, it occurs to me that you and I are mostly talking about how we react to what they are doing, and that means that some of that control is being given away...we have to stop that. -Mike

Hi Mike,<p>It's so nice to see you!<p>I'm not around much, but I am very happy to see you among the living. <p>Take care, and continue healing,

Funny, Mike,<p>You talk about control. I love being in control of the decisions in my family here, all by myself. The freedom to choose my bank, buy my car, discipline the kids without him around. I like control of my life, and I feel I have it, UNTIL H comes along and upsets the applecart.......the phone calls for instance. He wants to call so he does.....I have said don't. That is a bit of a power issue. Oh well! I am just going to hang up now....and a few other strategies I have up my sleeve. Nothing too LB'ish!<p>I am concentrating on myself as much as I can, and the children too. I am trying to get a life together without being somebody's wife. So I will get there. Divorce doesn't even scare me anymore.<p>He is coming home for a supposed two week holiday sometime in January, though he hasn't given me any dates. This totally stuffs my time with the kids...they are on holidays in January, and I can't plan anything much for the four of us to do because he will NOT give me a date. That, to me, is him controlling us. I suspect there are reasons for him not being able to give me a date, but of course I am left totally in the dark.<p>Anyway, it is still nice to have you back. Please do me a favour. Look at JD13's thread on emotional needs. I think you could have a good response or two for her.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Hello Mike,<p>I am so glad you checked in. Keep in touch, there are a lot of people here who care about you.<p>Michelle

{{Mike}}<p>Just read your thread and have to say, ouch. I do have my kids, even if they are ungrateful snippets at this time. I think the guy you met who is totally self involved may be able to teach us all a few lessons, but also have a feeling that being self involved would never have landed us on a forum board trying to make sense of things.<p>Do you think control could be about stepping back and viewing the overall picture rather than looking at it piece meal?<p>Have a good holiday!<p>lori

Yes, Lori...I do. I sometimes....often...nearly always spend my time trying to fix a little thing here, a little thing there, and there are these little 'things' all over that need my fixing, so I fix them. I'm pretty good with it, and I don't even need duct tape most of the time, but two steps back from that there is a whole new vista that I have missed. I'm not saying don't sweat the small stuff, but rather try to step out of that myoptic view of things. I miss some things when I am so involved in the minutae of life. I keep forgetting to take time off from it!<p>I had an interesting encounter with my XW today. She wanted to know about the 23rd, and would I switch weekends with her, since last weekend got screwed up. I told her that she could take them at 4, when I go to work, but that they needed to be back here before noon on the 24th, back to her before noon on the 25th, and back here before noon on the 26th ('normal' rotation resumes). That's not too complicated, but she agreed. She tried to apologize for the mess up, but I sensed cover-up, and told her not to apologize to me. She seemed pretty upset the whole time, and I'm not sure that she said all that whe wanted to, but she got what she wanted, so I'm sure she was pleased with that.<p>I can't control her, or the kids...only me. I don't even always do that well, but I'm getting a lot better with the practice! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] -Mike
BTW...No, I can't say that being too self-involved is a BS trait, but I would say that I have been pretty much drowned in 'myself' since becoming one...not exactly the same thing, but at least I see where to stop short of in redefining myself...you know?<p>[ December 15, 2001: Message edited by: waiting_for_her ]</p>

Hi Mike!<p>Nice to chat with you the other day... albeit briefly. I will have to try again! I'm very glad to see you back online! Your advice to many (including myself) was sorely missed. We've all been going thru some stuff these past weeks and it's sad to see someone go... like yourself... but GREAT to see them ... like yourself... come back!!!<p>Welcome back! I'm not here much though... I just don't have a lot of time it seems! But, I'll check back in a little more frequently. Jacky is the one who told me you were back online!<p>Take care and stay here!!!<p>Cheers!
Nicole