Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
B
bonnet Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I feel revolting. I feel like I'm so full of hatred evil and spite.<p>Why? Everyone deserves to be happy, even him.<p>I guess I just wish things had been different. That he had even tried to work it out. He didn't. Not once.<p>It hurts that he's moved on so quickly, new wife, new child on the way, he'll probably be everything to her that I wanted him to be for us. Why didn't he feel he could do it for us. We were already a family.<p>Just the ramblings of a very sad today girl.

Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 622
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 622
Dear bonnet:<p>A cyber hug to you ((((((((((bonnet))))))))))).<p>I know exactly how you feel, i really do. I do not understand how these people can act so callously. My stbx wife is probably being those things to her new family everything she would not/could not be with me.<p>I am very sorry to hear of how sad you are and I do not want to make this a pity-party, because I could tonight. However, I do want to say that you are not revolting, none of us are.....being full of anger and spite?....well that one I can understand.<p>How long has it been since he left? Do you have a child?<p>If there is anything I can say, any question that I might be able to answer, please let me know.<p>
My prayers and best to you,
vb_guy

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 300
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 300
<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
B
bonnet Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
hi VB,<p>thanks for that. gads could I have a pity party right now.<p>I just spoke to someone from here and I feel so much better. Just having you guys around is worth more than a million dollars.<p>My basic story dday 7/99
-left 9/99
-divorced 12/00
- 2 children 6 & 3<p>thanks for the hug I needed it<p>K - thank you so much for your lovely words. I seem to have gotten over my anger, and just wish him well. Everyone deserves that. But at the same time I will continue to believe in karma, and that what goes around comes around!!!! <p>thanks for being there<p>Jo

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
Bonnet, <p>Your not horrible, nor ugly..try and do something nice for yourself..<p>I was going to say the same thing..if he hasn't
figured out what went wrong in your marriage and why it ended and what was missing in that relationship to make it so bad for him..
the same problems will start creeping into this one he'll do the same thing..OR she will..<p>I know that my dad had MANY affairs over the course of his marriage to my mom..and I also know that the OW he married (they've been together over 20 yrs from affair till now) doesn't know that after he married her..He had an affair with my mom..I do have a point here..He didn't realize then that the problems they had would follow him into his new marriage..and after he married her
he was still missing what it was that was missing in the marriage to my mom..He told me recently that he was stupid for ever divorcing my mom and that it was his own pride that kept him from looking at all the damage he had done in their marriage and from staying and working on the problems they had..<p>I don't know if he is truly happy where he is now
because when I call over there to talk to him..he's usually still at work..<p>my dad was always the outdoorsy type..he loved camping, canoeing, fishing..well his wife HATES those things..always has..we went on a 'family canoe' trip a few years ago..all my brothers and sisters (step and bio) our children, and our spouses--my step-mother and their kids bless their heart..had NEVER been canoeing before..they took everything BUT the kitchen sink..for a day of canoeing..they were loading up the canoe (the guy the canoe's were rented from gave her the same quizical look we did about all of her stuff, but we never said anything) well..they loaded the canoe..and climbed in..and it SANK!!! She screamed..and screamed..we laughed and laughed..
everyone including others who were there laughed..except her and my step sister they screamed..and cried..and wanted to go home..
but we didn't..we all got out and helped get the canoe..and went on our way..(we haven't been since..and anytime it's brought up it's an adament NO!!!) <p>I do know that before my mom died, he spent hours with her talking, holding hands and crying together..something I'd never seen them do the entire time they were married.. <p>I tell you these things..because (well the canoe trip was funny and I felt you needed a laugh)
but no, they may think that things will be greener..think they have more in common..and such..but after awhile..they find they don't..
and they find they actually sacrafice much of themselves in the process..and give up things that
they really enjoy doing to make it work..all in the name of pride..

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
B
bonnet Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
Oh TR,<p>thank you for that. That was great. I needed a laugh. The canoe sank........LMAO That would be my mum too- god love her!!<p>Thank you for sharing about your Mum and Dad. I do wonder if he will ever
a/ feel that way about our marriage and
b/ ever admit it to me.<p>Who knows and it's almost a moot point now.<p>When he told me he was getting married, and that she was pregnant, I asked him if he could now explain what had happened between us. There was no accusing, no anger, no sadness, just a genuine desire to know. He has never ever explained what happened. Just always said "I don't know..."<p>He said that night - "Jo, I don't ever think about that period of my life."<p>Like it was just "well, it happened, build a bridge and get over it."<p>I just wonder how far down he can push it. Whatever 'it' is.<p>I've learnt to live with the question of what happened, and learnt to live with the fact that I will probably never get an answer. I don't like it, but you can't force someone to give you an explanation. Maybe one day, he'll honour me with what went wrong. Tell me what was so un-fixable.<p>I guess I'll have to wait a long time for it.<p>Thank you so much for bringing a smile to this sad little face today. I appreciate it more than you know. I hate feeling like this but I'm going to allow myself to feel it today.<p>love and hugs to you<p>Jo

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 379
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 379
Jo,
You are really like my twin sister due to the time points, due to the events, due to the emotions we share.<p>You know, my ex never ever looked happy from the separation. He is living 15 months with OW in OUR house, sleeps in OUR bed (all other furniture bought new) but became absolutely grey and always is serious. I know that he maybe can't lough when with me but no one who ever met him says he seems happy, just opposite.<p>My OD came to live with me and YD and also said recently that "dad is not happy and did not want a baby BUT...he is so much in love with OW".<p>He also never gave us a chance A lasted 4 months and we were separated after 6 months he bought me a new flat to make me leave the family house and two months after moved OW in- all that after 18 yrs of marriage and 21 together, knowing her only few months before, knowing about her affairs, lovers, abortions....
On our first (of 3-4) sessions with MC he said he only wanted "peace" not rebuilding the marriage. What more to say about chances?
He never ever complained about our relationship during the marriage, would it be reasonable first to try to repair whatever with your W and then look for a new W??<p>Yours and mine two daughters whom they (ex hs) obviously love could not stop them from separating and divorcing and "making" a new one, who can say that they won't do that again.
When I discovered about a baby I sent OW SMS message: "Enjoy yourself while you can and wait for the moment when you and kids would be replaced with a new, younger and without obligations one" That was the second contact with her in two yrs.
You understand what I meant!<p>I also want to think that the sentence about the coming arround is truth (in spite of the fact that OW , 6 months ago, during the phone call, told me that if it was truth that God punished , half of our city would die-about 100.000 people) You see what I mean, if OW thinks in that way I really can't imagine a lot of happiness there.
One day the passion would go and the reality would appear, till now your and mine exs had a lot of fun, sex...without reality of Pampers, baby sitting, school...now they have to enter the same old story like they did with us....so the adventure is gone the life starts.<p>We'll see how it will go.
i liked TR's story about her parents cause I believe that will happen with them also but unfortunately that does not mean anything to us, especially now.<p>You and me have to go thru these days, have to get out stronger and better persons and WE WILL!!!!
Try not to be alone be with friends.<p>(((((((((((((more hugs))))))))))<p>
(excuse me for the spelling and grammar but I think you understand me well:we are in the same boat.
I think it sinks but hope someone will give me a hand one day before I drown)<p>And YOU ARE NOT UGLY YOU ARE HURT!!!!<p>(my ex and IL's made me believe that I am ugly, cold, not caring, not loving....person - and I was sure that is truth - but IS NOT, IS NOT!!!)<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]</p>

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,832
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,832
bonnet,<p>You are ugly and you sure aren't horrible! Look, these events are just picking at the scab of your wounds. It is natural for you to feel upset about the new marriage and the new baby, even though you guys are divorced. I think it is the comparison of where they seem to be vs. where you seem to be that causes the hurt. Life is a cycle of ups and downs. Right now, your ex seems to be riding the crest of a huge upwave, and yo are just coming up from the trough of a huge low.<p>Know this - YOUR time WILL come. You WILL have more crests of happiness coming your way, bonnet. Look forward to them, because they will come in their own time and manner. <p>Right now, think about the kids. They will have alot of adjustments to deal with, and some may not be too easy for them to accept. In particular, I am thinking about the baby. The baby will live with their Dad, while they won't. That may cause alot of hurt and confusion. You will have to continue to be the "rock", and I know that you are up to it.<p>Although I have never seen you, I know that you are one of the most beautiful people I have EVER met! Beauty is as beauty does, my old Granny used to say! You are beautiful and these hurtful feelings will pass, too.<p>Take care, Desiree

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
Bonnett,<p>I am glad I could make you laugh...just think
everytime you need a really good laugh think
"canoe sinking" with 4 people in it..and EVERYTHING going down in the water..(I personally think of the song.."Way Down Upon The Swuannee River" b/c thats where it was) my kids still laugh about it..(we all do) I think about my mom watching that from heaven and falling over laughing..and I just smile..<p>I was thinking also..he may have felt like he didn't have a choice in the matter..(yes, I know that we all have choices..but, some of us NEVER REALIZE that we have a choice) I don't know all of your story and I don't know your ex. but you do..
Nor his value system when it comes to what he thinks about getting someone pregnant..was he raised to believe that if you get a girl pregnant YOU HAVE to marry her, YOU HAVE to give that child your name?? So maybe he felt that it was the only choice to make b/c of this new baby..and felt that you would understand b/c you know him so well..and wouldn't pass judgement on him..maybe deep down he was thinking that she's a strong person and will get past this and will still love me..I'll always have something special w/ her b/c of our children
and we'll always have that connection..I'll never
"really" lose Bonnett b/c of that..I'll still be able to see her and talk to her..but I owe this child a father too..it's my 'obligation' to take care of him/her..Bonnett knows deep down in her soul that I love her..and will never stop..but, I've got to do this to be responsible for my child..(maybe one of the traits that you fell in love with that he was always responsible and kept his word???)<p>I'm not trying to make excuses for him..just trying to maybe help you figure out the why's of it all..and I certainly don't know that he was/is thinking these things I don't know him..but you do..You know him b/c of the relationship that you had for so long..<p>Betrayed and Desperate-<p>It sounds as if your ex is much the same way as Bonnetts..and from what you shared about OW it sounds as if she was hurting deeply inside and wanting to be loved..and your ex tried to 'comfort' her by listening to her and letting her
share her hurt and pain..when he wasn't really qualified to do that..(she should have been talking to a counselor) and if your husband is the kind and loving person that you remember him to be..he listened to her..and in trying to comfort her and help her feel loved..(she probably thinks that the only way to show love is to have sex, and if she was from an abusive home which is what it sounds like) always looking for love but never really finding it..and your exh showed her that he actually cared about her and her feelings as a friend (probably something she'd never felt before, a non-judgemental love)one she didn't have to earn..b/c he was that way..a loving and caring man--sounds like he got in way to deep before he
realized what was happening..by trying to be her friend..then she comes up pregnant and not wanting to be the next person to hurt her and cause her that same pain..he had to make a very painful choice..<p>And in order not to feel the pain that these men were causing you two wonderful women..they had to move quickly..and most likely burying their own pain deep within pushing it aside..being mean and hateful to you because they know they were hurting you and knowing that you would hate them because they were mean and hateful, you'd let them go, hoping it would make it easier on you to let go..but also hoping deep inside that you would understand..they had an obligation to these women and children because of their mistake..<p>It doesn't make what they did right..and it doesn't negate the pain it has caused either of you..and you may never know what they were feeling inside..and they may never realize what happened
to get them into this situation..other than being a friend to someone who was hurting inside..I bet they will be cautious around other hurting ppl in the future..to avoid this ever happening again..
and will stay and suffer in silence trying to make the best of the choice they made..<p>So if these are some of things that you loved so much about these men..that they were responsible and loving and caring..and always trying to help someone who was hurting inside..trying to be a friend..that sounds like what got them into the situation they are in..and they probably don't understand what happened..they were just trying to be themselves..and before they knew what was happening they were in way too deep..didn't want to tell you at first what was going on because they thought they could 'fix' it and then when they realized they couldn't 'fix' it they began
to change towards you..to make it easier for them to fullfill this obligation they felt they had..<p>
This is all just speculation on my part..from the little bit I know about what you've shared..and they could have been callous and hateful to OW and OC, and they apparently aren't cold and callous men by nature..which makes sense why you don't understand how they changed so much towards you..
because it is so out of character for them...<p>May God Bless You both with His peace and Love..

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,294
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,294
Bonnet, <p>I am here for you, hon!<p>Just a phone call away.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
B
bonnet Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
TR and RMA<p>Thank you so much for your lovely words. I really needed to hear those.<p>love you both<p>Jo<p>B & D,<p>gosh, did my exH have a twin I didn't know about??<p>My exH would have felt exactly how they said. He was brought up to do the right thing, and that was one of the things I loved about him. As soon as I knew she was pregnant, I knew how it would end.<p>love to you, keep strong<p>Jo


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 1,135 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
arielwilson, Insight Therapy, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe, Sourdine
71,849 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5