I'm not going to make it. It feels like part of my heart has died and I do not even WANT to try to bring it back to life. Let it be dead. Every time I try to bring it back to life, I just get hurt again. Let it stay dead.
It's not worth it to try anymore. I can NOT do this, and even if I could, I'm not sure I want to anymore. There is just no way I'm going to survive!! I have bent over backwards to try to be a good wife...the kind of wife that every other man admires...but I do not even want to TRY anymore. It hurts too much to try. <p>Last year my H had his A, and when it was all over and he moved back home, he took one last trip to his OW's town and was gone for the whole month of December. He missed the entire holidays with us and it cut me to the bone--in many ways, worse than his A. So, this year I told him "Please do not travel in December this year. It hurt me so bad last year that I can not take it again." So, naturally, some of his business got pushed into December--we talked about it and I told him that I would agree if we had tickets to an MB Weekend (airline tickets and MB tickets). Well, MB doesn't have 2002 scheduled yet, and the business was this past week and next week, and I agreed to live with it, with the clear understanding that he would be HOME after next weekend, and he would even take some extra time off for the final two weeks of December. <p>Then, today he calls. Wanted to know if, after he comes back from his business traveling, could we go for another business trip--guess where? Utah. Where he met and won the OW. Yup--over Christmas weekend (which is a four day weekend for me)!!! <p>Now, at first I tried to be understanding, because he wanted to take the family with him and make a mini-vacation out of it, but to be honest it hurt and I could not ignore it, so like a fool I called him back a few hours later and told him. I wanted him to understand and say, "Of course I don't want to be away from you. I want to spend the holidays with you and the kids, and be a happy family in our new home. You are much more important to me, and you DID tell me that you wanted me to stay in December."<p>God, I'm dying here!! You wouldn't believe how he is acting. I'm always right...he's always wrong...enough is never enough...there's no point in trying to please me...I yell at him all the time...I change the rules on my whim...I have double standards...he can never be hurt because I'm always hurt...we weren't meant to be together...I came at him with both guns blazing...he was being sensitive but he gets no credit...I want to beat him over the head...<p>On and on like that. Why is he being like this? Because I told him "no" he couldn't go see his OW, and he wanted to go? Because I dared to tell him that I felt like he was TRYING to stay away from me? Because I stood up for myself and said, "Hey--this is hurting me!"? <p>I wanted him to reassure me and be kind and loving and a little smooshy to me--you know, "I can not wait to be with you. You are the most important thing to me...more important than anything." Instead, he closes down and shuts off all of his feelings and beats me into the ground and says he doesn't love me and he wants a divorce!! All because I didn't want to go to damn UTAH!!! I hate Utah. I wish we could bomb it. <p>He was supposed to come home tomorrow for a quick one day turn around before he heads off to his next business trip. TOMORROW!!! During the day today, he loved me. I have sent him ecards and love notes on his trip, and I have tried to listen to him when he's frustrated. Now tonight, he wants to leave me. I'm not worth the effort.<p>It would have been kinder if he had just ripped my heart out of my chest. I just want to stop hurting!!! GOD!!!<p>I don't know if there's much that you guys, my MB friends, can do or say, except to just let me have a place to tell SOMEONE how I feel. It's like living in a Freddy nightmare!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>CJ

((((((((((((CJ )))))))))))))))))<p>Of course it's all your fault! Can't you see how your making him do this? You're so unreasonable..<p>CJ - you know the story. Hurting all the time sucks. You deserved to get the things you've asked for. I don't know how they can do this...How has he done w accepting responsibilty for his share of the breakdown? It sounds like he's back to the ol' WS standard, blame and defend. It's always you,you just won't let him x, etc. They get stuck here, it's not healthy for us. Or them.<p>I know how it hurts. Who deserves this? It's difficult to not get stuck in the negative emotions; in a position of "victim".<p>Please take care of yourself. Please treat yourself well. What you want is what you deserve,please don't get stuck in a place where you allow yourself to be treated badly. Are you able to define borders w him?<p>If he acts in ways that are not acceptable, how do you define your limits? How do you show love for you? Do you have support there, or do you feel alone?<p>God bless you and your family ; prayers for your wisdom and strength. And for the love you want and deserve .<p>
Dan<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

CJ,<p>please, please try to calm down, cry when you are alone, be angry when you are alone, grieve when you are alone, but do not enable him to see the depth of your pain, do not enable him to say: "I told you, you can never forget, you never forgave me, that's why I had to find another, ...". do not place you in that position. Do not allow him to force you make some moves he in fact wants.
(my lousy english, hope you understood me).
Do not give him an excuse to meet OW again.<p>Did he really mention divorce?
Is he in any kind of contact with OW?<p>Do not allow him blame you for the A (like I did)<p>Let him see what a loving W he wants to leave (I think he does not want that)<p>Maybe you can say to him the exactly words you wrote here about pain and hurts December makes to you, they sometimes can be stupid and not understand the triggers and flashbacks.
But try to be calm and not offensive.<p>I am not sure it is the proper way, but do not give up , not after the year you were quite OK.
If you still have any love for him try to talk once again.<p>I failed but wish you luck<p>(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

(((((((((CJ))))))))))<p>After having gone through my divorce sometimes I read a post and close it immediately because it brings me too much pain. I closed yours three times before I got the nerve to say anything.<p>Cindy you are exactly right that there is nothing that I/we can say right now to help you with your marriage but we can help you. In my darkest hours you were totally there for me and I'm quite sure that at times you felt the pain of my story. Well Sister just want you to know that I'll always be there for you if only to provide a cyber (()), to listen, to distract, to jest, or whatever.<p>Last thought. When I was down the other day what did you e-mail me? You'd be suprised how they can replinish some of life from your dead spaces if you allow them to.<p>"""I asked God to send me his friends...He sent you."""<p>My cup runneth over. Thank you sister.

((((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))))<p>My friend.<p>You have given so much to everyone on this board, and now here you are asking for help, like it isn't your God-Given RIGHT.<p>I cannot imagine what you deal with every day of your life with your H. I cannot imagine WHY he does not see the light shining from you. I cannot imagine why, for the life of me, that one of God's chosen inspirational souls would have to go through so much pain.<p>CJ, always remember what a wonderful person you are NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.<p>Remember it, cos it is true.<p>HEAPS of love and light coming your way, hon!!!!<p>Jacky

CJ,<p>I am so sorry that you are hurting right now..<p>I know that even the thought of Utah makes you ill..but, he did ask YOU to go..and I realize that
you don't want to go..because of the pain it brings you and that is completely understandable..<p>Does he HAVE to go to Utah for business?? Or is it just a little vacation trip?? 'IF' He HAS to go for business..then Go with Him..load up your kids and Go..it doesn't mean that you still wont hurt and that you still won't think "did he come here w/ her" but, it will give you peace of mind that he isn't going there to see her..because he 'wants' you to go..he asked you to go..he may "NEED YOU" to go with him..because he's affraid of what could happen if he see's her..and wants you there to avoid that temptation at all cost..maybe he needs for you to be there for him..so that he doesn't miss you so much..knowing that she is there if he just picks up the phone and calls..
maybe he doesn't feel strong enough to avoid that if your not there with him..<p>You can go and make some wonderful memories with him there and then when he 'has' to go there again on business he'll have those memories of YOUR time together as a family and won't feel so lonely the next time he has to go...<p>Maybe he needs for you to help him through this time too..just as you need for him to help you..
I know it hurts you and is VERY painful to even think of going..but how badly do you want your marriage?? Are you willing to go inspite of your
pain to be there for him so that he has YOU and his family there with him?? I know this would be a major sacrafice for you to make..but is it worth it?? Do you think your marriage is worth it??<p>You can explain to him that it hurts you very much to go there b/c of the past, and that you really don't want to go..but b/c he has asked you to go
and b/c you love him..you will go so that you can be there together..b/c your marriage is worth it..<p>If you don't go he may think that you don't care about how he feels and what he needs from you..we already know he can't put his needs into words..so maybe this is his way of expressing that need to you???<p>
{{{{{{HUGS CJ}}}}}}}}}

CJ,<p>I also wanted to add..apparently he see's this weakness in himself and doesn't know how to say<p>"Cindy, I am really struggling with this and I NEED YOU to go with me on this trip. I know how painful this must be for you too, but If you really love me, and this marriage is as importatnt to you as you tell me it is..then show me..by going and being MY strength, because I don't see that I have the strength within myself to not succumb to the loneliness I feel when I am away from you..and I know that it would just take one phone call from me and she'd be right there..and I don't want to even have that temptation available to me- so I WANT and NEED YOU TO BE THERE with me"<p>
Okay...had to come back and edit this to add...<p>CJ, <p>After posting this..I began to remember some of your e-mails and things that you've shared on here..about your husband...and it hit me..OMG..<p>He doesn't know HOW to express his feelings and emotions because he was probably always told "take it like a man" "men don't cry only girls do"
so in order to let out his hurt..he hurts you so that you will CRY FOR HIM!!! Because he was taught HE CAN'T!!! so if He can make YOU cry..then He's expressing what he's feeling inside himself because he's placing his own feelings onto you..
so that YOU will express it for him..he's wanting YOU to cry his tears for him because he was always told if he wants to be a man..He can't cry..because MEN DON'T CRY!!! It's a sign of weakness for men to cry..and men have to be strong all the time..or they aren't men..<p>And here you are asking him to express his feelings and it goes against everything he was raised to believe about men..so if you want him to cry then you obviously don't view him as a man..
(to his way of thinking about how 'men' are supposed to be) and in his mind thinks..WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME I'M NOT A MAN????<p>have you ever given him permission to cry?? Maybe you can help him see that to 'YOU' you don't see it as a weakness for men to cry and share there feelings but as a strength..(even Jesus wept)
maybe he needs to hear those words from you <p>"honey, it's okay for men to cry, and share their emotions, I won't think any less of you as man, but It will help me to love you even more, and give me an even greater respect for you than I already have" <p>Just a thought<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>

Oh, dear sister, dear Lady-In-Waiting, what to say?<p>You don't need this. You don't deserve this. You shouldn't have to endure this. <p>You do deserve peace. You do deserve love. You do deserve admiration and adoration. And you deserve for Mark to meet those needs.<p>I don't know what to say except that I wish you weren't going through this. And that I wish Mark cherished you the way you wish he would.<p>If you look at his FOO, did they keep all their emotions in check? Did you ever see them rejoice or mourn? Did you ever see them when they were angry?<p>There could be something to the suggestion that he wants your family to go as a means of self-protection - or as a way to make up for being gone when he had agreed not to. There also could be something to the suggestion that he hurts you in order to provoke emotions he surpresses within himself. <p>CJ - is he still/ are the two of you still seeing a counselor? <p>I love you and worry about you. I admire you, also. I have never seen anyone work so hard on their marriage. NEVER! You are a source of inspiration for so many. I want you to know that, while I know the love of your fellow MBers is no substitute for the love of your husband, you are loved by people all over the world. <p>You are a person of love, beauty, and joy. You ARE special.

I am okay--managed to survive the night. There is a HUGE lawsuit at work. Some hackers got into the BIA asset management systems and stole a bunch of money, and the Dept. of the Interior (of which, BLM is a part) was sued by the Indians for mismanaging their funds...so all of our internet access has been terminated indefinately and all access to outside email too--sending and receiving. <p>So...I'm not able to send or receive any email at work except from other BLMer's. WAAHHH. : ) Other than the lawsuit, I moved to a new cubicle today, so even if they HADN'T disconnected us, I would have been off-line today. <p>Regarding the other stuff, well my H is driving on his way home and should be home around 8pm MST. I tried and tried and tried to stop it last night, and finally I just wrote to him "Darling, you have it all wrong. You mean more to me than any trip--even to Utah over Christmas. You are more important to me than that. I love you and we will work this out." To which he replied, "See? You're STILL yelling at me!!" Man--did you read yelling?? Sigh. <p>I don't know how to say this. I love the man and I sympathize with the fact that he has an anger problem and does not know how to express ANY emotions because his FOO doesn't, but part of my heart is just DEAD and I do not want to wake it up. Let it be dead!! I can not sacrifice myself in order to save him!!<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, I do not plan to say this to my H or anything. I just am afraid to see him because I don't want to talk!! ME!! Can you believe it?? I do not want to talk. I'm afraid to talk. <p>So...that's where I am!<p>
CJ

((((((((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))))))<p>I just want you to know that I'm still checking on you.<p>I so totally understand your pain. Good lord - you totally validate me sometimes - it's totally awesome to know that I have a soul twin out there, and that I'm not the only one that has had those kinds of feelings!!<p>I've tried to call you a couple of times (not in awhile tho) with no success. You still have my number I hope, call me anytime if you need to talk.

(((((((((((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))))))))<p>My computer is up and running, feel free to email me anytime, I'm just finishing up the last week of college, and I have straight A's, so I haven't had much time for anything else.<p>But I always have time for you, so send me an email if you want, I don't get here often.<p>I'm looking for BonnieSept also, I lost her email in my computer crash, if you have it, please forward it to me.<p>Thank you. Sending you hugs and prayers,
Dana

aged 38 years male
stbxw 40 year just
sex life dwindled due
to boredom and repitition
2 kids with no boundaries
slept in our bed till 6 years old.<p>Wife dropped bomb 7/10/01
10 year anniversary 7/15/01
she says she no longer loves me
and wants sex sex and more sex
with others- i moved out to friends
in shock- she took up with my sons
baseball coach - macho womaniser type
who dumped her after the nookie was given.
she filed during that relationship-thinking
she would marry him and live happy ever after<p>we had neg relationship last 4 years with me
drinking and complaining and not working on relationship. She drifted into escape mode
after i got sober 1 year and dropped bomb.
as always i did not know what i had till
it was gone and now wife is so far moved on
she has no o zip feelings for me. If she ever had
she says. Our current situation is final in feb2002- i am heartbroken and cry and angry
all the time- mainly with myself for messin up
and secondly because i have to accept it is gone
forever- Funny how you experience deep love emotions for someone when they are gone- its like
you were saving them for a rainy day and not giving when you could of. Tradegy
i called incessantly and blamed and begged
now she thinks i am a loony and cant wait
till feb 5th d day<p>Gavin39

Hi sweetie.. <p>I don't what to say that I haven't already said in some form or fashion. And now isn't realy the time for any pearls of wisdom.. <p>What I do have to say is that I'm thinking of you. You are not alone in your struggle for what you want. <p>In resent days I've had a tone running through my head from a band I hear on the radio all the time. There is a passage that says:<p>"I lean against the wind, and pretend that I'm weightless" <p>When I think of the passage the stress seems to just go away.. <p>I'm here if you need me..<p>Tex.