I need your support and encouragement. My husband and I had a terrible disagrement last night and we're at a crossroads. I think I want out, but I'm so afraid of taking that first step. I can't live with his terrible temper/rage any longer and he won't consider any type of counseling. I can deal with the anger but not the verbal abuse and the mouth-foaming rage he exhibits when he gets mad. I could almost be afraid of him, except that he can be really nice until something doesn't go his way. We've been married six years -- my second marriage and his fifth. He's good at playing the victim and I fell for his explanations of making bad choices in his other relationships. There were some "red flags" while we were dating, but I guess because we were not together all the time, his ugly temper didn't surface until we had tied the knot. I still love him, but when should enough be enough? He hasn't hurt me physically, but I'm not sure he isn't capbable of it if I didn't let him cower over me when he's in one of his rages.

Hi Helga,<p>You didn't say if you have any children with him. That's makes all the difference to me in my point of view. Without them I say leave. What you wrote makes me afraid for you. With them tho, I guess there should be things he should do willingly to get help for his problem. There are therapists that deal with this, altho I'm not sure of what the success rates are. But if he's not willing to get help, then even with kids I would personally leave. I wouldn't risk a child in the face of a raging maniac for a second. I don't really like even you taking the risk being with him.<p>I say this because I've known a few like him. One in particular comes to mind who had an incredible problem with rage. My sister ran into him lately and he was divorced again. Then she told me she saw his name in the paper for domestic violence - he was living with his mother.<p>Two words - time bomb. I'd get out. You don't have to live that way and there are gentle kind men out there (that is if you really want to have anything to do with them anymore!). But be careful! If you make that decision, make sure you are not vulnerable to any type of attack by being alone with him. Like, tell him in a public place and then don't go home with him and then I don't know if you have someone who can help you leave like your dad, or even police so he doesn't lose his temper and hurt you.<p>Is there any way you can talk to any of his ex's to find out the extent of his possible temper? That might be a good place to start and I'm sure if they know he's dangerous they won't go blabbing to him that you contacted them.<p>Take care, be smart, and God bless.<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>

Thank you for your reply, Kathy. You're right, I need to get out of this situation. I haven't talked to my husband since the argument -- waiting for the "dust to settle" so to speak. He's usually fine for awhile after he loses his temper like that. In fact, he thinks it's good for him to get it all out instead of bottling things up inside. He doesn't seem to recognize the extent of his rage. <p>We don't have any children together. I have three by my first marriage, the youngest in college. He has two grown sons by another marriage.<p>It's so strange living with him, though. When things are good, he can be really nice, giving, and very loving. After I experience one of his rages and things settle down, it's almost like it didn't happen and I begin to doubt the severity of it. Several months ago, he was angry as we went to bed. I chose to go in the second bedroom and lay down. Next thing I knew he was standing over me ordering me to get up and go back to our bed. As I hesitantly sat up, he grabbed me by the arm and caused me to slide off the bed into the floor. He then proceeded to force me back into our bedroom. Later, when I tried to talk to him about it, he insists that he just didn't want me to have to give up the bed and that he was helping me back to the bedroom. I think in his mind he really believes that and he can be very convincing. <p>We've been married six years, and he's able to control him temper a lot of the time. I would say that the rage part of his personality surfaces every few months. That's why I've stayed I guess. I keep thinking he finally has it under control.<p>His youngest son exhibits some of the same volability. Several years ago, when he was still living at home, my husband and stepson got into a confrontation. It came to shoves and the stepson ended up pushing my husband over a coffee table breaking a couple of his ribs. I have never been around anything like this in my life before. I never really even saw my parents argue. My first marriage of twenty years was also very "tranquil". <p>My parents are both deceased and I don't have a lot of extended family. There are my three children, but I don't really want to get them involved in this mess. In fact, my daugter is pregnant expecting her first child and doesn't need the stress of my problems.<p>I know I need to be strong. I am praying for guidance and strength. Financially, it won't be easy but not impossible either. <p>Thank you again for your support. I really need to talk to someone and I don't have anywhere to turn.

Helga,<p>I don't personally know anything about these kind of situations and I don't feel too great about giving advice. I know there are many women here tho that have been thru this kind of thing. Who they are escapes me right now. Maybe you should post another topic titled "how did you handle rage, or anger, or abuse" so people who have dealt with this can chime in and help you.<p>I just don't like it. There is no excuse or reasoning for a man to handle a woman that way. My X knew if he'd ever hit me, ever!, he'd been spitting out teeth in the morning with a broken 2X4 laying next to him! Exagerration, but he didn't chance it. I don't agree with not bothering your kids...if my mother was in this kind of trouble, I'd want to know. I wouldn't want to find her bruised and beat up and not know about what was going on. I couldn't physically help her confront him, but she'd have a place to stay. You deserve support just as much as anybody else so please ask for it. Your kids would likely be glad to give it to you.<p>I know you say you need to leave, but I'm not so sure that you are totally convinced because of the good side of him that you've mentioned. You've got that roller coaster thing going like a lot of the rest of us do. It's hard to get off that and make a final decision.<p>I hope you'll post again with a different topic so others can help you and give you ideas. I wish I could say something to help you but I feel totally inadequate. I just know I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Please take care.

Kathy, I'm going to take your advice and try another posting to see if I get any responses from women who have been in this situation. I did talk to my husband tonight. I asked him if he would be willing to seek help with anger management or marriage counseling. I told him that it would be the only way I would consider staying in this marriage. His answer was "No", so I guess the decision is made.<p>I still love him, but I can't live with that side of his personality. He just doesn't get it and insists that it is my fault that he reacts that way, that I should see his tension building up over things and not aggravate him to that point. The whole thing started over my now waking him up to see the end of a television show. It's usually something minor that gets blown out of proportion. <p>Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me. I feel so alone in this.

Helga....<p>Well others here have voiced there view and I too would tell you that at the end of the day, your husband has to want, to want to make your marriage better or you are facing a real uphill battle.<p>But as the Harley's always advise, never make a decision while you are in an emotional turmoil and a book that you may want to get to help you on your jurney is called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. She gives you real life situations and gives you her opinion based upon what she has seen thousands of couples go through and talk with her after they either stayed or left.<p>Also, do some reserach and read up on and learn about the symptoms and possible things that also relate to mood swings and can be a part of bi-polar depression.<p>Wishing you the best.<p>mrrlk