I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I went to the funeral home today and was basically shunned. I feel so badly for my Mother-in-Law, she is a wreck. I want to help but I am not really part of the family anymore. My husband and I have been seperated for 9 months.<p>I don't even feel I have the right to grieve. Tomorrow is the funeral.

Dear Twilight,
I don't really have any good advice, I just want you to know that I understand how you feel. My father-in-law died suddenly last December. He and I were very close, even though my Husband had left us 9 months before that. So I have been in a very similiar situation. And I know it is rough. We had dated since age 16 and had been married 22 years. So I thought we were close, even though I am not their daughter. So it is tough when things change. And regardless of what people say, things change for the kids and their relationships with your former husbands family many times.<p>My mother-in-law has also been devestated by the loss. I have continued to try to be there for her when she needs me, but over time, I have felt an increasing distance from her, and this really saddens me. And the kids do not understand why she never calls them. <p>I think you are doing the right thing to try and show your mother-in-law compassion and that you care. Regardless of how she acts, and I understand that she will support her son, you can feel good that you have acted with dignity and caring.<p>Again, I am sorry for your loss.
God Bless you,
Lisa

twilight -<p>Having a family member, in-law or close mutual friend pass on during the time you both start on your separate paths is a tough thing.<p>My Father died just before we separated and my wife did attend the various family, religious and funeral events but I really felt that she did not want to be there and attended more because of what it would look like to people if she had not been in attendance!<p>That was one of the problems and challenges we had big time in our marrige...she felt it ok to do things based upon how things would look to family and friends and not what was in her heart. I told her to do what she really wanted and to follow her heart!<p>I tried to make her consider that the issues in our marriage were with just the two of us and the caring and love of my Father for her was never in his mind conditional on how the two of of us felt about each other and the issues we had with each other in our married life. I went on to tell her that she had to do what she had to do...and if she felt paying her respects and saying goodbye to my Father was not someting she wanted to do, then by all means make the choice and not attend. She knew deep down inside that my Father's say, if he was alive, would be for her to choose to attend not out of any obligation or concern for how things looked on the outside, but in reality the total oposite in attending to say goodbuy becuase your really wanted deep down in your heart.<p>Yes, you are correct in what "They" say about things changing with in-laws and family members and joint friends that you had while you were married. After our separation, my wife asked for 1/2 the money back I had spent to bury my Father and related costs for the funeral and church services, since I had spent marital funds! I wish that experience on no-one, no matter what divorce and marrige issues have haunted them.<p>So, do what is in your heart!<p>mr rlk<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi there-<p>I had to reply because my father died this past week and my WH who left me and our four kids 10 months ago took paid funeral leave and came to both the visitation and the funeral. Although I give him credit for coming and having to face a lot of people who have absolutely no respect for him, I feel he did it for the wrong reasons. The sad part for me is that I feel he did it more for the show and out of guilt than to be there for me or my family. Furthermore, he didn't handle the whole death and situations associated with it very well and it has in fact made things worse. <p>The timing of all of this has been horrible. At a time when my children and I really needed the support of their father and my husband of 10 years, I found him uncomfortable and not really helping at all unless told directly what needed to be done, etc. which only made things more awkward. Of course my WH is a special circumstance. He had a very abusive childhood and I have now come to the conclusion that he simply doesn't get family love and bonding. <p>My advice to you is to follow your heart. If you were close and feel the need to go then you should. I know if my soon to be ex-mother-in-law were to die I would be there because we are very close.<p>K