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#717540 12/08/01 04:20 PM
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OK- I don't want a divorce; I'll probably get one anyway.<p>I was hoping to learn how to put your life back together?<p>I try to stay as active as possible; I'm not sure what that addresses, but I'm still " searching"..<p>I want to live well and love again. If possible. And avoid staying stuck here..missing this and that..<p>And stop feeling like I'm falling in a hole that I can't get out of.. I'm a family man without..<p>What has worked? How to let go? How to move forward?<p>What do you do about self esteem..<p>Thanks<p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

#717541 12/12/01 05:03 PM
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FM,<p>Well, after 4 days you have no response. I'd like an answer to the same question. I have a book about it. There are plenty of books about it. I haven't read much of it yet.<p>I think part of it is to separate the real pain from the act. Sometimes, I at least, and maybe others too - find that I am in a situation where I should be hurt and so, I show hurt. Of course, I am hurt, but I realize that part of it is something else. I'm not always sure what. I really don't know how to describe this. Probably some psychologist can. Anyway, it's not that I'm pretending, but that I choose to concentrate on certain thoughts - with the full knowledge that they will make me very sad. Weird, huh? Anyway, it's easy to say "look on the sunny side", and sometimes harder to do it. On the other hand, I think we can succeed and not looking at the darkest side either. "The middle way", you might call it.<p>A lady called today (who met us a couple of times) - wanted to offer "us" (as if there was an "us") tickets to a Christmas concerts. I told her I would check with my W and call her back. I was unable to reach my W. After 2 hours, the lady called back - so I just told her that which I have told few callers "She doesn't live with me anymore - let me give you her number". She was shocked, of course. I need to do that more often - not to shock, but just to get everything out in the open.<p>Well, this doesn't answer your question, probably, but it will bump it to the top.<p>-AD

#717542 12/13/01 01:29 AM
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Hi Family Man- I feel the pain... and I feel kind of crazy for looking at my house... it is a mess, and reflects my troubled insides... Hey , I can get it in order, and I will! This is a big challenge to me... as I am putting my emotional needs in front of housekeeping, and making a living... which I had to snap up to quickly,.. and I still need to start making more dollars, asap.<p>I am putting as much energy as possible into career building and time with the kids! I think to not worry about dating for a while is a good idea.<p>I think if there are things you want to do, start doing them. I once made a goal book for myself and started acting on these goals... and they have moved me along! I really am glad I made that book! I have been meaning to revise it, or make a new one... and haven't had the time yet... or have been wallowing too much in pain... <p>I know it is hard... I am growing stronger... but my spouse has not totally left yet. But I NEED to step back majorly. I have a VERY difficult time NOT CALLING him, etc.<p>I keep wanting to talk to him.. and believe things could be good... well if I do not talk about us and I have lots of sex...he says keep conversation light... weather... etc... things are good... but still NO committment.. well I a feeling a little upset... but enough about that. <p>I think it is a good time for you to do things you enjoy... I know you already know that.<p>Realize that you can make your life whatever you want with or without her.<p>I am here and I support you. Thanks for your support to me.<p>Lisa

#717543 12/13/01 05:17 AM
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AbandonedDad - thanks <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I think part of it is to separate the real pain from the act. Sometimes, I at least, and maybe others too - find that I am in a situation where I should be hurt and so, I show hurt. Of course, I am hurt, but I realize that part of it is something else. I'm not always sure what. I really don't know how to describe this. Probably some psychologist can. Anyway, it's not that I'm pretending, but that I choose to concentrate on certain thoughts - with the full knowledge that they will make me very sad. Weird, huh? Anyway, it's easy to say "look on the sunny side", and sometimes harder to do it. On the other hand, I think we can succeed and not looking at the darkest side either. "The middle way", you might call it.<hr></blockquote><p> I hear you; we can explore the power to influence ourselves with how we choose to talk to ourselves..we can wallow in negativity, self blame, etc..or not. Lift ourselves up..<p> I also think that we need to explore what it is we feel we've lost; where we hurt and why.<p> My ws seems to have moved easily to a new life without looking back.. this, to me, discounts the value of what we had.. selfish pursuit at all costs ( vent warning)<p>Supressing the hurt means it will drive us " behind the scenes".. it needs to be felt and processed.. <p> I think we can talk ourselves into a "Succeeding mindset"; where we are resistant to the emotional flood that comes w this mess, and where we can take full advantage of opportunities.. thinking well of ourselves.. <p>For me, when I see my WS her beauty serves to illustrate the loss, I'm back to ground zero.. more work to do !<p>
Honey
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>and I feel kind of crazy for looking at my house... it is a mess, and reflects my troubled insides... Hey , I can get it in order, and I will! This is a big challenge to me... as I am putting my emotional needs in front of housekeeping, and making a living... which I had to snap up to quickly,.. and I still need to start making more dollars, asap.
I am putting as much energy as possible into career building and time with the kids! I think to not worry about dating for a while is a good idea.<hr></blockquote><p> I know, Iknow.. I joke that I live like a man... try to keep things in order.. but I'm still workin' on it.<p> Dating..if there were possibilities for me, they would be hard to resist..it would be nice..<p> And that's part of the "injustice" ( I hate to use that word..) WS gets the new life and emotional support/ affection.. just what is it they've lost???<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know it is hard... I am growing stronger... but my spouse has not totally left yet. But I NEED to step back majorly. I have a VERY difficult time NOT CALLING him, etc.<hr></blockquote><p> I feel my strength growing as well. Isn't it a great feeling! <p>Stepping back gives you a different view. You can see yourself and what you want with more clarity. To realize your strength and beauty.. and to know we deserve love with commitment..<p> There's so much I want to explore and learn..it's very exiting. You are so right.<p> We can be whoever we choose..<p>
Thank you for your support.. this forum has made a huge difference..imagine trying to go through this journey without it..<p> God bless us all, give us wisdom, patience and love...<p>
Dan

#717544 12/13/01 09:47 AM
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Dan,
Are you seeing a counselor? I suffer BIG TIME from self-esteem issues. I married my current H about 6 months after my first H committed suicide. My first H had an affair, kicked me and our infant son out of the house, then 6 weeks later could not handle what he'd done. I did NOT get help to get over his A and the rejection I felt. Instead, I married the first guy that came along and paid attention to me. Unfortunately, I have basically spent the last 16 years GIVING everything emotionally, materially, physically to my H always with the fear that I would LOSE him if I didn't. About 2 years ago, I started REALLY resenting the way things were going. I first tried to explain it calmly, quietly. My H did not understand why I was no longer willing to cater to his EVERY want, need, whim. After trying to talk it over calmly, I got mad. I started swearing, screaming, just generally being VERY mean to him and our kids. It was wrong, I know that now. My H chose to run to a new relationship rather than tell me he was falling "out of love" with me. Oh, he was on the fence all summer, lying, betraying the whole time. He's finally decided not to work on things, but to run away to this new relationship. Yet I still feel the incredible pain over the ending of my M. I still feel love for this man who has hurt me so deeply. I should HATE him for all the lies, the guilt trips he's put me through. It all lies in FEAR of being alone again. I NEED to find a way to LOVE myself, and I suspect so do you. I have recently begun to read The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to you. She is the author of Co-Dependent No More. I think I'll also get that book, as my H has been addicted to pot for all the time I've known him. I spent the last 16 years trying to help him FIX himself. Guess what? I CAN'T!!! Big revelation to me, my man. Please get the book. One thing I've figured out is that while I am grieving the loss of my M, my H has decided to avoid that grief by seeking comfort in another "love." So right now, I'm at the "In-Between" stage that the book talks about. Here's the prayer for that day:<p>Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.<p>My prayer for you is that you will accept this stage as a place for you to grow in your love of SELF, rather than dwelling on the fact that your W has decided to avoid her grief and moved on.<p>Hugs to you. We will ALL make it through this.<p>MOM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#717545 12/14/01 05:45 AM
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((((((((MOM))))))))<p>Your words spoke to me.. Thank you.<p>I have seen 2 IC.1st was very good; kept cursing; really cursing. Funny at first, but..then knocked prayer. 2nd one was also very good. He felt I had to " feel the pain"; but thought I was OK..if you need me call me, otherwise..<p>Thank you for sharing your story.<p>Y'know, I do have "Language of Letting Go" on audio. It's content seems much different than the text version.<p>I'm going to get the text version.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>One thing I've figured out is that while I am grieving the loss of my M, my H has decided to avoid that grief by seeking comfort in another "love." So right now, I'm at the "In-Between" stage that the book talks about. Here's the prayer for that day:
Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.<hr></blockquote><p>Good stuff.. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My prayer for you is that you will accept this stage as a place for you to grow in your love of SELF, rather than dwelling on the fact that your W has decided to avoid her grief and moved on.<p>Hugs to you. We will ALL make it through this.<hr></blockquote><p>And my prayer for you as well. You sound like you're on your way [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thank you, MOM. We will make it indeed..<p>And then we should have a party..<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I NEED to find a way to LOVE myself, and I suspect so do you.<hr></blockquote><p>Yes indeed. I hear it takes practice. I've been tryin' to practice my a** off.
MOM, there are two bools, " The 4 Agreements" and " Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz.
They talk about love, especially loving yourself. If you haven't read them PLEASE do.<p>Dan<p>Dan<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

#717546 12/14/01 12:12 PM
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Dan,
Just wanted you to know I read your reply today. I hope you are doing o.k. The book I got is an updated version with some of the same quotes from Co-Dependent No More. It's giving me a lot to think about. It comes and goes in waves. I want to get off the ship, I'll tell you!!<p>MOM

#717547 12/14/01 04:32 PM
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Don't know if this helps, but I've just completed listening to Dr. Phil's book "Life Strategies" on CD and it is soooooo awesome! If you like his style - taking the bull by the horns, tell it like it is - then you'll love this book. Even if you don't like that style, it has so much valuable wisdom.<p>I have just ordered the workbook that goes with it and I can't wait for it to get here. The book lays it on the line about getting a strategy to go thru life. And at the point I'm at, it seems like the perfect tool to use right now. I plan to enter 2002 with a new strategy and a new outlook.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O


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