Hello everyone, I have been waiting for H to get his act togeather for 2 years now, and his version of trying was moving back in and continuing having affairs, I made him leave and I am having a hard time getting over it, everytime I think I am at the point to heal and let go something happens and makes me relive all the pain.
Yesterday I get a call, and this guy says you don't know me, but your husband is with my Wife and has been seeing her since June (*he came back professing his love to me in Feb I made him leave in Sept.)He told me all kinds of stories that I found out were not true, first he got in an accident with this womens husbands car, (he told me it was his friend and his girlfriends),then he had this guy go to his work and they had to go down to the police station, because the guy wanted to kill him in front of all the customers(he told me the guy thought he was his friend who was seeing a married women),he went away about a month ago he said with friends, and I found out yesterday he took her!!! But get this he called me from there and said how he was lonely, and he missed me and wished he could be the man I need...why ? From what I understand this was the first time they slept togeather. He says he loves me, but has never done anything but hurt me.He is lying to everyone he knows and no one wants to help him get help,he has a chemical disorder and won't take his meds. I want him to get help because we have three children togeather and I can't take much more of his crap, How am I ever gonna have a happy life when I am constantly dealing with stuff like this.He destroyed my life & our family and seems to want to ruin any chance of happiness for me.I don't know how to get him out of my heart and it's killing me.

Hey Kimberly10!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I ever gonna have a happy life when I am constantly dealing with stuff like this.He destroyed my life & our family and seems to want to ruin any chance of happiness for me.I don't know how to get him out of my heart and it's killing me.<hr></blockquote><p>Is your husband really my wife??<p>What strategies have you tried ? Personal or marriage counselling? Both?<p>I understand about the lies. The betrayal of trust destroys any chance of connection, of intimacy.<p>So... connection is not what he wants. <p>Did you tell your husband about the phone call? How did he respond?<p>My sister once said, about my WS, "If she's breathing, she's lying.."<p>Sometimes it pays to watch what they do, not what they say..<p>Do you have kids?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He destroyed my life & our family and seems to want to ruin any chance of happiness for me.I don't know how to get him out of my heart and it's killing me.<hr></blockquote><p>OK; you control your own happiness. You decide what and when. He doesn't have that power.<p>I just loved being a husband and dad. When my nightmare hit, I just couldn't function. I was stuck ( may still be) in the old dream..<p>I'm beginning to see that I can have a dream where I'm happy, and truly loved, and supported. And my SO is not in it...<p>Kimberly10 - to me, the first step to letting go is to dream a new dream...<p>Dan

Dan,<p>I have tried everything he wouldn't try at all, he has many problems and is the most selfish person ever.<p>I know that every councelor says people cheat for a reason, his is the fact that he is addicted to the newness of a relationship the excitement, the challange and once he gets what he wants he moves on to the next, he loves me(in his twisted way) and wants to stay married, and I should except that he needs to do this ??? <p>I think there is a word for it?<p>Since I found out about this one he has already said it's gonna be over soon, that along with boredom ends it everytime.<p>He came over last night because he said he was worried that I would fall apart, knowing all of this new info,but he is the one who is falling apart and will soon hit bottom when he realizes how empty his life is.I was upset yes, but only because I feel the kids will suffer if he doesn't get help.<p>I am doing everything I can to get happy, but I could not imagine getting into another relationship, everytime I even think about dealing with a man in anyway I get ill(no offense), I guess that is my problem now to get through, I know it takes time to heal. <p>The worse part is when the loneliness comes.Ya know the kind you can't seem to get away from ....

Kimberly10 - I feel I understand your pain. It really, really sucks.<p>What did he say about the call, about his actions. He's such a great guy, concerned about you falling apart...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am doing everything I can to get happy, but I could not imagine getting into another relationship, everytime I even think about dealing with a man in anyway I get ill(no offense)<hr></blockquote><p>I'm not talking about another relationship..IMVHO you're not ready anyway..<p>There are many things you can do to explore the joy in life. It does not depend on being with someone else...<p>So what do you do for you? What does Kimberly like to do? What would you like to learn to do?<p>How have you tried to deal w all this mess? Have you tried professional help? This mess is the type of thing where a good professional can help..<p>If your husband is in your heart, then he's in your heart. Feel what you feel, understand it.<p>And then control your actions. You can do this by understanding who you are and where your borders are. <p>I think you would benefit by talking to Steve or Jen. The $ would be well spent.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The worse part is when the loneliness comes.Ya know the kind you can't seem to get away from<hr></blockquote><p>Yup...know it well. <p>You can take the time with yourself to rediscover what a great person you are. And where your beauty is. And to stop feeling guilty.<p>And to love yourself.<p>Because when you do, you will get your power back. And he will not have the power to mistreat you. Because you will own it.<p>Many WS try to "control" us.. They want to go, but they want us in the role they want. For many reasons.<p>I don't want to turn this into a book... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dan

Kimberly,<p>So sorry you are experiencing this. I think maybe the word you are looking for to describe your husband is "narcissist". Do a little research on the net and see if he fits.<p>My therapist has told me this is my S's problem, and from the way you describe your H, the characteristics are similar.<p>Does your H lie about everything, or just the A? Has he always done nice things for you in the past? <p>Hugs to you.

"narcissist" yes i believe i heard this on the radio the other day, he lies about everything even when he doesn't have to.<p> Has he always done nice things for you in the past? no, i had to pull him kicking and screaming to do anyhthing with me, he seemed to like the Idea of having a family and wife, but never truly commited to it, he took everthing for gratide. He is using these women as band-aids instead of facing the true problem and as soon as it gets complicated he is out looking for the next victom.<p>It hurts cause i feel like i missed out on having a real relationship all these years and a normal marriage. he is no good for me and will never change, it is just a matter of time.he said he was sorry again for what he did, but he doesn't even begin to understand the depth in which he has damaged me.<p>Thanks