Hello everyone-<p>It is with sadness that I write to you all that I lost my dad to lung cancer last Tuesday. He was only 59, never smoked a day in his life, and a health nut. There were only 10 months from initial symtoms to death, only seven from diagnosis. It has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, yet I am at peace. He put up an amazing fight and our family has grown even closer as a result.<p>His death has also brought closure to my relationship with my husband. Granted my husband is a sick man. He is an alcoholic with many issues, but his actions towards me in the last two weeks have ended my hopes for him and in the same light given me hope for a new and better life.<p>My WH saw my dad a few days before his death. The experience left him so mixed up that he went on a drinking binge the next day to handle it. He then called in sick because of the binge but claimed he needed the time off because my dad was dying. That was a week ago Friday. He told work he would take Friday, Monday, and Tuesday as funeral leave to be with me and the kids When my dad held on for a few more days he panicked because he had jumped the gun and requested the funeral leave early. When Dad died on Tuesday he took Wednesday through Friday off to be with us for support and help with the kids or at least that is what he told work. In the three days he spent a total of 8 hours with us. During that time, at a time when I had a million other things on my mind I had to direct him what to do, etc. Then on Friday at the end of the funeral he asked me what he could do and what the plans for the weekend were. When I told him I wasn't sure at that time he said he'd check back. I thanked him for his help (even as limited as it had been) and he said he'd call me to find out what he could do. <p>Well he called Sat. morning. He was at the OW's apartment which is three hours away. He said I wasn't clear as to if I needed him and with everything happening he needed to get away. I lost it. I told him that he could do whatever he needed to do, but that it really made me ill to think that he had taken the leave to be with us and then fell through once again. I told him that I can't handle his irresponsibility anymore and that the 21 year old OW can have him because no real woman would. He hung up.<p>Then I got a letter in the mail from my attorney on Sat. which included a two letters from his attorney one denied that he had ever questioned the paternity of our infant stating that I had just made the whole thing up as a stall tactic to prolong the divorce. I wanted to kill him! He had the affair and to ease his guilt continually questions the paternity of this beautiful baby. When I say I want a paternity test he lies yet again, will it ever end? The other on stated that they want to rush the divorce settlement because of his dire financial situation. It also included a copy of my WH's last paycheck. Funny thing is that although the check was small it also showed where he had taken an unpaid day off. I guess if he wants more money he should actually work! To top it off he had met with his attorney and made the request on Thursday, this was only two days after my dad died, has he no compassion?<p>I guess in the end I have come to realize that although he has many good qualities about him, my husband has many problems stemming from his abusive childhood which he has never dealt with and these problems have overtaken everything good about him. He is self-centered and mean spirited. He tries to hurt me but only hurts the kids. His addictions are ruining him and I will no longer let them hurt me and the kids. I still pray that he overcome them for the kids' sake, but for now all hopes for us working out are gone. Every time I ask God for a sign to guide me my WH does something awful. I guess it is time I take the signs even if they aren't what I want. He has hurt me so much, but not anymore. With all that he has done and in his present condition, I simply don't want him anymore. 10 months ago I never would have felt this way, I had such high hopes. It is by no means what I have prayed for, yet is reality. Now I am stronger than ever and except for the inequality in free time, responsibility, etc. I am very content and excited to move on.<p>Thanks for letting me vent and keep us in your prayers.<p>K

I am so sorry for your loss still reeling.<p>I am really not sure what else to say. There is nothing I can say to make it better. Just know that you are not alone in this. Are you in individual counseling? You have an awful lot on your plate. Take care of yourself.

K
OH how sorry I am for all of this pain. You have been through so much. He just can't "be the man", he is too deep into his desease.<p>Not only are you greving for the death of your Dad, but at the same time you have the death of the hope for this marriage to deal with.<p>You have given as much as anyone could ask for. You can at least know that you did all you could do. Moving on is so painful and at the same time a relief. <p>You have to take care of you!

steel reeling,<p>I am so sorry for all your pain. <p>I read your situation and it makes me think of my own dad. He smokes too much, drinks too much and is killing himself. It's so sad.<p>Also, your husband sounds so much like mine. The time you needed him the most he couldn't be there for you. It is always and will always be about them, never us, even when it's our own relatives. I am so sorry that you went through this and then had to deal with an extra child on top of it all. I think it is good you have hope for the future. You know there is better out there for you, as I do also. <p>Take care and my prayers are with you!<p>ANNA

Hi, I am sorry you are dealing with the alcohol problems - are you involved in alanon... there is a website with a chatroom on the web if you search under alanon in a search engine you will find. Very good support for these issues. I know, i have been there... and am there. Lisa

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Lost my father june of 1999 after three horriffic months straight in the hospital from a stroke. He was 58 years young and a new grandfather. <p>It hurts so much now for you. It still hurts for me. We also have something else in common--our husbands have emotionally abandoned us. What has been so hard for me was that my dad was my protector. With him gone, feel as though no one exists which can stand up for me. Maybe you feel like that too. I have this story to tell you to give you newfound hope. It is absolutely true..<p>On the night of my father's death, I received a call from the icu nurse at about 2 am. She said he was crashing and gave me his vital stats ( I am a health professional and my brother in law is a surgeon). Immediately I got in my vehicle and drove to my sister's house. She was pregnant at the time and my bro in law was already at the hospital (had been doing rounds) and was at my dad's side. My husband drove down after me and brought our baby with him. About two minutes before I drove into my sister's driveway, I felt a sensation, a perception I can to this day not accurately nor fully describe. I felt a presence hovering over me in my suv. It was my father. He asked if it was ok for him to go now, the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. I told him to go towards the light, go towards God and our Savior. That his father and a grandchild would be waiting there for him and that we'd be there soon. All this happened while driving. Very soon I pulled up into my sister's driveway. I ran in and she was running out the door w/tears streaming down her face. "We've got to go there now" she yelled. I said why do you want me to get there so fast? (She only lived 5 minutes from the hospital). My sister then told me that just before I drove up, she felt the presence of our dad. He "asked" her too, if it was ok for him to go now. She answered the same as I did. <p>This happened to us at the very same time, but in different places. I did not tell my sister what had happened until after she had fully told her experience. We drove up and parked in the doctor's entrance right by the er. Ran all the way up stairs to the icu. When we began walking down that long, white, hallway, we saw the docs in their while lab coats moving towards us. I instantly knew what that meant..Next, my brother in law emerges from dad's room wiping tears out of his eyes and his glasses off. He said, "you just missed him. He's gone now." I asked how long and he replied--"five minutes". <p>Please understand how hard it is to tell this story to you. I have not told anyone outside of my immediate family about this. As a woman of both science, medicine, and faith, it only confirms the presence of our loving creator. That we are instantly out of our mortal bondage and in the presence of our God. As hard as it is to simply go on in this season, as if our relationships are hard enough, you have to deal with this too. Please realize that I do not post here, and happened to be here reading when I saw your post. I just felt like you needed this now. To know that hope is alive and that you will one day too, see your father again. God bless you friend.

Thanks for all the kind words and support. I really feel at peace with everything. I have great faith and it is keeping me going. I also have the support of family and friends (including all of you), and four awesome children.<p>My husband on the other hand has very little of anything; he has lost the respect of many people including family members and friends, not to mention our nine year old. He is financially struggling, and to top it off is totally guilt ridden. The only thing he really has is the OW which I guess further fuels their fire. I doubt it will last, but I just can't wait around for him. Furthermore, after 13 years together and 10 married I realize that I can't fix him and that he isn't ready to fix himself.<p>Marry-<p>Sorry I didn't get back to you. I am so excited for you and your D. You see, your patience and perserverence are paying off. I wish it were the same for me, but for now it isn't. Keep us in your prayers and keep in touch.<p>K