I told our 6-year old son about his dad's affair (in kid terms that he could understand). Basically, my husband isn't going to spend the holidays with the kids because the "love of his life" would like him to be with her. My husband doesn't think it's a big deal to the kids if he doesn't spend Christmas with them. Just the other day, our son was on the phone with him asking him about his Christmas plans and that he really wanted Daddy to be with him. What is my husband thinking?
He's been 3 for 3 so far with the "special days". He visited the day after Thanksgiving, came the week before Halloween and completely missed our son's birthday. And now, another disappointment for Christmas. <p>To top it off, he lied to our son about where he lives. He says that he lives alone in our house (I moved away with the kids) when in fact, he moved in with the OW. That put me over the edge and I told him what was going on - why daddy didn't and probably will not spend the special days with us, where daddy really lives, why mommy is very hurt, etc. At this point, telling him anything but the truth made me feel like I was defending my husband's actions. That his infidelity is okay and what he's doing to me and the kids is normal. I didn't want to cover up anymore. I wasn't planning on telling our kids (our son's the oldest) until they were much older but with all that has happened, I just didn't feel it was right to hide this any longer. We're getting divorced and my husband has expressed his interest in having the kids at their place for the holidays and vacations in the future. I think it's because it's too much of a hassle for him to come out to where we live and he doesn't want to upset his "soulmate". How many of you told your children about your spouse's affair? And if you told them, how old were the kids?

Hi, <p>I didn't tell them, they told me!!! H took them out with OW. Bleh. And they know OW is Daddy's girlfriend because she said so.......sheesh!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My kids are 8, 5 and 4. The two youngest treat it as if it is kind of normal for daddy to have a girlfriend, but my son wishes her dead.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

First off, welcome and I'm sorry that you're here. They are many great people here that can help just about any situation. As others will attest, my first thought is ALWAYS the children. I have three girls 12, 9, & 6. Now I'm very opinionated when it comes to kids, but please hear me out.<p>I firmly believe that what you did was probably not the right thing to do. First because I believe that you should try everything to foster a relationship between the children and the other parent and ALLOW them to form their own opinions. Trust me they will form that opinion but it so much better if they come to it on there own. Plus if you help them with that opinion then there is a chance that some of that resentment will come back on you. Next at 6yo he's far to young to comprehend or compute all that information. All he knows is that he loves his Daddy and he loves his Mommy. Granted Daddy is being a total jerk-off but you have no right to try and influence that love with your problems or thoughts in any way.<p>Do I want to tell my girls EVERYTHING so that they know it was wrong? HELL YES!!!! My girls and I have an extremely special relationship and we do talk about everything. That being said, at this point and at their ages, there is absolutely nothing positive that can come from their knowledge of their mom's action. They do know that when the time is right that they will have access to some of my files, mainly the ones that relate directly to them, but some other documents will be with that. <p>So I've chosen to walk a different path, I LEAD BY EXAMPLE. They see their mom spending all her limited free time with her "Boy Toy" and they see that when they are with me they have my undivided attention.<p>They see that when they go to an activity that "Boy Toy" is there and mom pretty much ignores them and they see that when I take them somewhere it is just us.<p>They see that their mom talks down about me and they see that I don't do the same.<p>They see that if they need to talk with someone that they should call dad instead of mom.<p>They see that when they are sick that mom won't stay home with them but dad will.<p>Are you getting my point? They see. I want nothing more than for my X to be able to experience the same relationship that I have with girls because the girls deserve that. But the fact is that ain't gonna happen. I will always incourage it and never stand in it's way because that's what's best for the kids and at all costs I will always put what's best for them ahead of what's convienent for me. <p>Please think about it.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong>First off, welcome and I'm sorry that you're here. They are many great people here that can help just about any situation. As others will attest, my first thought is ALWAYS the children. I have three girls 12, 9, & 6. Now I'm very opinionated when it comes to kids, but please hear me out.<p>I firmly believe that what you did was probably not the right thing to do. First because I believe that you should try everything to foster a relationship between the children and the other parent and ALLOW them to form their own opinions. Trust me they will form that opinion but it so much better if they come to it on there own. Plus if you help them with that opinion then there is a chance that some of that resentment will come back on you. Next at 6yo he's far to young to comprehend or compute all that information. All he knows is that he loves his Daddy and he loves his Mommy. Granted Daddy is being a total jerk-off but you have no right to try and influence that love with your problems or thoughts in any way.<p>Do I want to tell my girls EVERYTHING so that they know it was wrong? HELL YES!!!! My girls and I have an extremely special relationship and we do talk about everything. That being said, at this point and at their ages, there is absolutely nothing positive that can come from their knowledge of their mom's action. They do know that when the time is right that they will have access to some of my files, mainly the ones that relate directly to them, but some other documents will be with that. <p>So I've chosen to walk a different path, I LEAD BY EXAMPLE. They see their mom spending all her limited free time with her "Boy Toy" and they see that when they are with me they have my undivided attention.<p>They see that when they go to an activity that "Boy Toy" is there and mom pretty much ignores them and they see that when I take them somewhere it is just us.<p>They see that their mom talks down about me and they see that I don't do the same.<p>They see that if they need to talk with someone that they should call dad instead of mom.<p>They see that when they are sick that mom won't stay home with them but dad will.<p>Are you getting my point? They see. I want nothing more than for my X to be able to experience the same relationship that I have with girls because the girls deserve that. But the fact is that ain't gonna happen. I will always incourage it and never stand in it's way because that's what's best for the kids and at all costs I will always put what's best for them ahead of what's convienent for me. <p>Please think about it.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi Lost Husband,<p>I do understand your point and it is well taken. Since I moved to another state, the kids only see their dad once a month (his choice). I'll paste my reply from another post regarding the point I'm trying to make with telling our son. <p>I don't believe I bad mouthed my husband. Of course I left out the details and explained to my son, in an age appropriate manner, what was going on. That would be too much for a youngster his age to digest. The point I was trying to make was that lying to my son to protect him would be disrespectful.
If during this time I tell the kids that their father is a great dad and loves them but just can't spend the holidays with them because he has work (or pick an excuse except for the truth), then I would be lying. And when the kids are older and reflect on the behavior of their father and remember all the times I tried to make him look good simply because he's their father, they will come to realize I was his accomplice in this whole mess. Not only were they betrayed by their father by what he did but they were also betrayed by their mother because she covered up for his actions - in essence justifying his infidelity.

Thank you for replying and not getting defensive or upset.<p>Why did you move to another state? Just curious because that definitely makes it harder for the child to have a relationship with father by anyone&#8217;s choice.<p>I totally agree with you on the point of not lying to the children. I also refuse to lie or cover up for anything. However there are circumstances when I do simply state that&#8217;s not something I&#8217;m gonna tell you right now and my girls respect that. I know all things being complicated right now by the holidays makes the whole situation a lot worse.<p>My X and I fought for a while about a Christmas arrangement. She basically told the kids how it was gonna be and tried to do the same to me. This arrangement would have been totally unfair. When the kids brought it up in conversation I simply made the best of it while in my mind I was absolutely pissed off. The kids were really upset about the arrangement and I could tell that it was really bothering them but once they saw how Daddy was taking it their concerns were eased. I then worked out a better arrangement with my X, almost had to go back to court, but that&#8217;s another story. So when I approached the girls with the new arrangement they were absolutely ecstatic. My point being that I could of fueled their fire by showing my disappointment or I could of done what was best for them, which was ease their concern. Once again &#8220;they see&#8221; who was being unreasonable during this time and who they came to for comfort.<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;And when the kids are older and reflect on the behavior of their father and remember all the times I tried to make him look good simply because he's their father, they will come to realize I was his accomplice in this whole mess.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>True or they could look at you as a bitter person or they could look at you as the rock that was always there for them. Personally, I prefer the latter.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Hi OwnRoad,<p>I have to put my 2 cents in.<p>A little history...
My mother ran off with the OM and married him. He was my step-dad for umpteen years until they later divorced. (bad marriage, that "soulmate" "love" was gone within about a year) Take heart, their "love" will not last.
My XW has also ran off with the OM (not living together, but she's recently moved near him).
I have primary custody of our 5 y.o. daughter.<p>In one way, I consider myself lucky because I have some experience from my parents in how to handle my current situation. I have a lot of experience as the child.<p>Do I tell my 5 y.o. daughter what her mother is doing?<p>For me the answer is NO, even though I want to. This urge decreases day-by-day.<p>To my dad's credit, he NEVER told my brother and me about the affair. He NEVER spoke badly about our mother. I was 3 and my brother was a baby at the time of the affair and divorce. I was old enough to know that the OM was in our lives way too fast.<p>Over time, kids will form their own opinions by observing the behavior of their parents. My mother was a selfish, miserable person. Though with faults and my limited contact with him, my dad has taught me some important lessons in life.<p>I have tremendous respect for my dad not telling me about the affair. He chose to hold back his anger for my mother. I guess you may not understand the gravity of this. My dad has an anger problem which his 2nd wife says is getting better with age. He can be (has been to my step-mother, I have heard of one episode years ago) physically abusive. He held back all of that anger and did not tell us boys. I have tremendous disrespect for my mother having the affair. My mother has died of cancer. She died a pretty miserable person. Though I miss my mother as my mother, I do not miss her as a person.<p>As you know, it's tough being a kid. I urge you to not burden your son with this weight. Telling your son about your husband's affair will not stop the affair and will only serve to ruin your son's view of his dad. Your husband may one day come to his senses and start doing the right things. Let your son form his own opinions. I really believe that by you showing restraint that he will think more highly of you. I also believe that kids are smart enough to figure things like affairs out on their own and you don't have to tell them. Affairs are an adult issue, please leave it at that.<p>Should you feel bad that you've told him. No. It is understandable. Should you continue telling him, I think not. Your son needs to be able to look up to his dad for his own good personal development. Give your husband every opportunity to be that man.<p>Remember that your son is not your friend, he is your child. He needs to be treated as a child. If you need to talk to someone to vent, you can always come here.<p>Kevin<p>[ December 12, 2001: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</p>