What should I think of this.<p>First, their father had the childreN last weekend. He says he didn't have time to get their laundry done so he'd bring their clothes and belongings by on Monday.<p>Monday came the children wanted their things. I emailed him this...<p>To STBX....

Need to get the children's things, please advice.<p>Also, I need to know if you plan to keep the child support up to date.
<p>STBX emailed this back on Monday....

I'm still doing laundry. I'll send you a note when I'm through.

Today, no clothes, no answer to child support. Which btw, I can never depend on the child support being on time.<p>Today, I emailed him this...

Please bring the children's clothes back.<p>Could you answer my question regarding child support?

He just emailed me this....

The clothes are almost done.
I found some money in the drier. I didn't know the kids left their money
here. How much is it?
I plan on paying child support. What are you fishing for and why?

Okay, my first question...How long does it take to do a weekends worth of clothes???? He's not working, btw. He's usually home all day.<p>Second question...What does he mean when he says, "What are you fishing for and why?<p>Would it be inappropriate for me to say, I'm fishing for child support and the children's belongings. Why? Because I need the money and the children want their belongings back.<p>I just shake my head in confusion over his emails.<p>HELP!<p>ANNA<p>PS<p>On the first question regarding how long it takes, I am of course being smart, I just need to understand his fishing response.<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Okay, Father of 1, just pointed this out to me...<p>My answer shouldn't be I need the money because it's the children's money.<p>Here's what I came up with...<p>It's not what I am fishing for, it's what the children are needing. They need their clothes and they need the child support money. They have many expenses. I appreciate you letting me know the child support will continue as scheduled. Thanks!<p>Anyone got any suggestions of making it better.<p>I want him to stay on top of the support.<p>ANNA<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Anna,<p>the fishing response is merely conflict avoidance and responsibility avoidance by changing the topic back to you. . . ..<p>a very simple tactic, i use it myself. . . and sometimes get caught by my MB friends, who are aware of the tactic, right CJ?<p>I believe you said that your x put play before work, especially with the kids, so why would this change? if he is ADD, then getting the laundery finished may be difficult to accomplish with all the other distractions.<p>Now, it is a LB to hold people with the irresponsible gene to be responsible, so that can be a situation that needs to figured out how to get what you want with out LB too badly.<p>wiftty

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>Anna,<p>the fishing response is merely conflict avoidance and responsibility avoidance by changing the topic back to you. . . ..<p>a very simple tactic, i use it myself. . . and sometimes get caught by my MB friends, who are aware of the tactic, right CJ?<p>I believe you said that your x put play before work, especially with the kids, so why would this change? if he is ADD, then getting the laundery finished may be difficult to accomplish with all the other distractions.<p>Now, it is a LB to hold people with the irresponsible gene to be responsible, so that can be a situation that needs to figured out how to get what you want with out LB too badly.<p>wiftty</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Wiftty, <p>Your response was right on. I didn't look at it quite like that but that is so exact. He is putting this back on me.<p>NOW, HELP! I do need to respond, so help me come up with the best non LB response.<p>ANNA

Okay, how does this sound?<p>"Thanks for taking care of the clothes. The boys have so few to wear. They need these for school tomorrow. Also, I need the child support money to help pay for all their expenses. I appreciate you helping me and keeping it up to date as best as possible. I realize all this is temporary and things will get better as we both get jobs. The child support will definitely be solved. Also, perhaps we can both consider going in together and buy the children enough clothes to keep enough items at both places, without shipping these to and from."<p>What do you think?<p>ANNA<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Anna2000, as tempting as it is don't use his gameplaying sarcastic words: what your fishing for: Try this or something like this for a response: <p>-------------------------------------------------Lets work together to come up for the best plan for whats best for the kids. <p>How about if you buy another set of clothes to keep at your place. That way you will have until their next visit to finish the laundry. Plus we won't have the hassle of packing/unpacking and meeting to exchange their things.<p>(If he is not working how is he paying you child support??) The children have expenses that needs to be covered. Ask him if he would mind giving you an ATM to his bank account so you can get the money you two agreed too for child support and let him know that you will only take out that amount on the scheduled days. If he is working there is a form you can fill out to have the child support payment portion of his paycheck automatically put into your account (with his signature).<p>See both of these are unreasonable requests. But ask him to be a part of the decision making process. The simplest process is not working so if you try and make it more difficult maybe he will start agreeing to the simplest process.

Anna2000, yes your response sounds good.

Hey Northeard,<p>You were thinking along the same lines as me. Actually I got a lot of advice through the friends of IM to help me create the last letter, too. So also a thanks to the IMers!<p>I think that does sound great to ignore the fishing comment, and to just say let's work together.<p>Also, your question about the money for child support, he's not working but he has money. His money won't last forever though.<p>Once he gets a job, then it'll automatically be taken out of his check.<p>For right now, due to Christmas and no jobs, we have to settle for shipping clothes back and forth, but as soon as possible I want to change that, and buy enough clothes not to do this.<p>These two problems are temporary. I just don't know how long the temporary will be.<p>Saying things in a nice way does make me feel a little like a munipulator. I am munipulating to get my way....Does that make sense? Although, I do want us working together so what I am saying is pretty much the truth. I just think he should know his responsibilities without me sweet talking him into doing the right thing, but that's not going to happen.<p>I do also refuse to play his games. He tried pulling me in this one and it didn't work. <p>Take care and thanks. Great minds think alike... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ANNA

Anna, I just read your most recent post and so I thought I'd look at this one. What struck me was your choice of words in your initial email to your stbx. You asked him if he 'planned' to keep the child support up to date. This is not really what you wanted to know. One can 'plan' to do alot of things but circumstances may not allow them to happen. If what you really wanted to know was whether the next child support payment would definately be on time, then that is what you should have asked. I just think there's room for interpretation and confusion based on your choice of the word 'plan'.

AVA,<p>Very good point. You are right, my wording could have been better.<p>Wiffty,<p>One more thing, I keep thinking about the ADD comment. You do know my stbx has never been dianosed with ADD right? I remember someone in an old thread mentioning this as a possibility, I don't know if he does or doesn't.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

the best way to figure it out is to get kids tested.<p>and if they are, and it isn't you, then possibly he got the ADD gene from his dad, or it skipped a generation. . . .<p>wiftty

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>the best way to figure it out is to get kids tested.<p>and if they are, and it isn't you, then possibly he got the ADD gene from his dad, or it skipped a generation. . . .<p>wiftty</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks Wift,<p>I am planning to have son checked. However, it still won't tell me for certain he has it. Although, it's still a good point you made either way. Because he's not responsible in certain areas. I either need to accept this or just let it drive me crazy.<p>Thanks guy.<p>ANNA