Husband has had an affair. It has gone on for three months....i have found out 1 1/2 week ago....prior to my finding out, things were going along very nicely.. Since i found out...things have been going very very badly. Of course, it's all my fault....Everything is my fault...i'm the '*****', i nag too much forcing him to go to the arms of another, etc.,etc....<p>I gave him the ultimatum since he's not willing to put effort forth to work things out...I said "I need to know whether you want to work things out or not. I need to know for piece of mind...you say you want to, but act like you don't want to....." I need some answers. He said he wanted to be single. I said "Okay, fine, you need to leave the house...i will not leave....it's up to you." He said he would not leave since it's his house, he was born and raised here (we live on a 600 acre farm). So, neither will leave. Wisconsin has the 50/50 law...regardless...<p>Please advise me ASAP....I can't play mind games here........ please please please.

ppatch35,<p>If you have children, I am a firm believer the primary caregiver should get the house for the children's sake.<p>If you don't have children, don't move out, get an attorney, let the judge decide. Don't leave until the judge decides though, because you will forfeit all your rights.<p>Take care and good luck,<p>ANNA

I agree...I agreee....I agree!!<p>Hey, if he wants to leave the marriage and be single...THEN LEAVE ALREADY! The person deciding to make a change should do just that....make the change.<p>My H did the same thing. We had just built and moved into a brand new house when the sh*t hit the fan with him. He said the same things as your H.... <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Of course, it's all my fault....Everything is my fault...i'm the '*****', i nag too much forcing him to go to the arms of another, etc.,etc....<hr></blockquote> <p>Finally, he left and moved to his own apt., except that he really was at the OW's house most all the time. <p>Anyway, I stayed in the house...hey, it was my home, for God's sake! Over the next year, he tried to "guilt" me into moving by saying that building the house was "his dream" and that it "hurts him" so much not to be able to live there. (I live on 15 acres and it's soooo nice and quiet! He lives in a crowded neighborhood with dogs barking, chickens cackling, etc. and with the OW.)<p>It really bugged me when he talk like this, but I didn't give in. You know what? I'm not the one who wanted a change...he was. And that's what he got.<p>So I say "STAY" and get this to court right away for a decision. In the meantime, do your own sluething for what house rentals in your area are, just in case.<p>I'm soooo sorry about your situation, but you've found a great place to come talk about it. This forum saved my life. Please come back and find support and strength here.<p>God Bless,
Aloha,
Ms.O

He's really playing mind games with me.....I came home....sat on the couch - didn't say a word...he came over and gave me a foot rub......didn't say alot, but gave me a foot rub....complete with foot lotion.....He said "Jim & Paula called, want us to go to dinner with them friday night." I said "You told me you wanted us to be over...so we don't do 'us' things anymore......so why are you saying these things?" He said " I'll do us things until you are sick of me."<p>Nice huh?<p>What now?

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Wow, he is playing mind games. A few questions:<p>* Is the affair over?
* Does he want to be married to you or not?<p>Let me also say that that house is YOUR HOME too. Maybe he was raised there...and has lived there all his life. But you and he made it YOUR home and if he wants to leave the "you and he" then he should leave.<p>Sorry if this sounds harsh...I've been listening to Dr. Phil on tape...HA!<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

PP35-<p>Welcome. It looks like you have already received a lot of good advice, but I'll add my two cents worth anyway. I agree that the first thing you need to decide is do you want to be married or divorced? Since you are at the beginning of this roller coaster give yourself time to calm down and think clearly. All the Plan A and B stuff is really great. Keep in mind however that like everyone has told you your husband is in the fog right now so he will not react like a rational person.<p>I too am from Wisconsin. I think this 50/50 stuff really stinks in a lot of areas. I agree that you should not leave. It is my personal opinion that the person who chooses to leave a marriage should leave the house, even if it is the house he was raised in. Furthermore, if you do have children definately stay or do everything in your power to. Your kids will go through enough emotional garbage as a result of this, they don't need to be uprooted on top of it. Get an attorney who you trust to give you sound legal advice.<p>Right now your WH is playing games. He wants to relieve his guilt by blaming you, that is where the Plan A stuff really comes in handy, you no longer love bust and most likely will react in a different way then he is accustomed to which will make him uneasy and hopefully make him think a bit. <p>Most importantly, take care of yourself and stick to your decisions. Decide what you want from life and set out to make it happen, but keep in mind that you only have control over your life. Nothing you say or do will change him unless he's ready. That's the worst part. However, keep your faith and trust in God. <p>We are here for you.<p>K