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#717725 12/11/01 08:21 PM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 14
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 14
Hi! I'm new here and would like your thoughts on my story. It seems to me since I have been reading these posts for a few days that there is the same pattern in every affair. Maybe I'm just hoping and grasping but here goes, and you can give your own opinions.
I found out 3 yrs ago that my H was having an A with a younger OW. It had been going on for several years (6). Devastation is a total understatment! I did all the "wrong" things because I panicked and immediately gave him and her the power and sunk so low in self-esteem that I couldn't see above water. Of course, he took advantage of this (which I couldn't understand at the time) and totally blamed me and totally rewrote our history as if he had suffered and had been unhappy! We had problems, sure, but we had fun too and raised three wonderful children, put them all through college, had a wonderful life which we enjoyed with so many great friends who looked up to us and loved us so very much. I admit I stopped the "adoring" a long time ago - and yes, became critical at time. However, I never realized until my friends pointed it out that he was the one who always degraded me and jabbed at my self-esteem. Anyway, the OW is "the most wonderful, considerate person he has ever known, and has loved him unconditionally"> Me,I had my chance and now I blew it! So, after I found out, couldn't sleep, would get up and cry and felt as if I was in a nightmare-he said I was so disrespectful since I was keeping him awake and he had to get up for work. I told him to leave after a month, he went to her for three weeks, I panicked, told him to come home, he did but was angry at me and concerned for her. This scenario went on for two years. Back and forth, I moved into an apt for a few months to show him how well I could do, he came almost every nite and went to her too. Couldn't decide. Went to a very good psychiatrist - he would tell me that the doctor said it was my fault - he still couldn't decide. He ruined her life if he leaves her because she gave up so much for him etc.etc.
Came home, found out he was still seeing her, again, again, then Christmas '99 found out again and told him to find out what he wanted. A few weeks later he told me he was happy with her - but he would come by every morning and every nite after work to pick up his vehicle. So, I served him with divorce papers. He was furious. Lived with OW for 7 mos. then comes home again in July, angry again at me. He never really ever tried to work on marriage - only to blame me - we went on a Retrovaille weekend - he told me all weekend how wonderful "their" relationship was and how he found his best friend and we were never best friends like that. Another month, October, found out it was still going on. I moved out on my own, rented a house in another town. I have an wonderful career and am well respected. Loved my place and felt really good - but ofcourse, we were still in contact. He still couldn't decide what he wanted - every time I pushed him for an answer he would attack me. He went to another therapist who he told me made him realize that he was okay and it my problems and issues had caused all of this mess. So, I again served papers in Jan. (this whole A has been extremely expensive!)Our time period was up in May. Through all of this he kept contact, I know he is still very attracted to me sexually and every which way and I know deep down he loves me and is proud of who I am. He has been an alien since all of this surfaced. When I told him in May that although I had wanted nothing more that to work on our marriage, we just can't do it with 3 people (said this for the trillianth time) and when he realized that this time I was serious about going through with the divorce - he stops contacting me and now it's as if I don't exist. I will say that my actions have changed drastically too. I'm not clinging, crying, begging or trying to contact him or see him at all. I did all of those things for over two years - I was a mess. I'm very proud of myself, my self esteem is intact but here is my question: After reading all of your posts here, it has reaffirmed to me that my gut feeling has been right all along. This isn't something that was planned but he is in denial. If this is true, and it seems as if I've implemented my own Plan B - is there any hope for our marriage down the road. And if so, what is your advice? Those of you who have been here and survived. I will anxiously await your answers! Thanks for reading this - sorry so long! Carebear [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#717726 12/11/01 10:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 273
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 273
Hi Carebear,<p>Let me be the first to welcome you to the boards. I'll bet another poster will come along and post several information links for you.<p>Ah yes, your story is old hat around here. Sadly. I'm sure you will run across a story around here and say to yourself "I could have wrote that." If you have read any of the Harley's books, you can quite literally put you and your WSs names in place of the names in the book and perfectly match your situation. It's scarey. The Harley's really know their stuff.<p>My XW (x-wife) was WS (wayward spouse).<p>They do turn into aliens when they are having an affair.<p>He is in a difficult spot as each of you must be meeting certain needs. He is getting his needs met, but is caught between worlds. This does not excuse his behavior, but it does explain it. This "love" he feels is simply him getting his needs met. Since the timing of his needs being met and him meeting and being with the OW are the same, he thinks he is in love with her. He doesn't realize that you are meeting some of those needs that makes him feel in love.<p>As long as he can have his cake and eat it too, he will probably keep this up.<p>It is doubtful the OW can meet all of his needs. Besides, their relationship is founded upon lies and deceit. Left to itself and put under a little pressure that daily life brings, it will likely crumble. It is an illusion.<p>It looks like you have spent years plan A'ing and have gone to a plan B. As long as the affair continues, your relationship with him will not heal.<p>At this point, it looks like you will have to wait for his affair to die a natural death. Usually the OP (other person) is unable to meet all of the WSs needs. Over time, they will realize that they are not nearly the perfect couple (soulmates is the term they often use) that they thought they were.<p>At that point, it will be up to you. What do you want? Do you want a cheater back? If he does want to come back, is he sincere? Does he only want to come back because he has nowhere else to go or is he now ready to be serious about a relationship with you?<p>Again, welcome to the boards. I think you will find an incredible wealth of information here.<p>Kevin

#717727 12/12/01 10:46 AM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 14
C
Junior Member
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 14
Hi Kevin - Thanks so muchy for your words and welcome! I do understand everything you have said - I guess what I am wondering is, is it possible that during the end of the divorce proceedings, when things will get very real for him, is it possible for him to come out of the "fog" and decide to really work on us? Even though in a log of ways it's a "man's world" financially etc., if a woman leaves her husband she still has her "family" around her, but a man gives this up. Thanks again and I hope that my experiences can help someone else! Carebear


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