I need help, i got married not long ago and i already had a 6 year old son, and i have another baby onmy marriage, i know my husband tried to love my son and he does good for him but lately everthing he does bothers him, untill finally he put me on the spot, telling me that i got to choose in between my son and him; I love him and i know he love me, but how can he put me o a situa ssion like this he says that by the end of the school year i got to send my son to his dad or our marriage is over, i don't want to choose , i told him if that was his last word i wouldn't have another alternative than leaving him, but i know he won't let me take my baby boy(our son) and if we get a divorce he'll win, i know i'm so confuse, i can't abandone my son, before anything i'm his mother, but i'm also the mother of a little baby that needs me and i know i'll loose if a divorce him ,i feel like i got to choose in between my kids and i can't.
he said his mind is made up and it won't change, and let him know that he don't leave me another choice but to leave, please if somebody have any idea how i can't get out of this,please help me i'm desperate

First off, WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOUR HUSBAND? <p>Why do you think you would lose lose custody of the baby if you divorce?<p>How old is the baby?<p>This seems like a very jealous and insecure act by your husband. I don't even know what else to say other than I'm interested to the answers to the questions above.

thanks for your help, i don't know where sll this come from, we were fine one moment and them ...my marriage is falling, the reason why i think he might get the custody of my 11 month old baby is because of his job he makes double of what i make, plust the court will look at the point of my having another kid so i know they'll give it to him.
My husband says he's tired of supporting a kid that is not his and dealing with his stuff, i know my son is not perfect but he's a good kid and i know he love me and i love him and i'm going to try anything to make this work but if worst escenario i'll take my two kids and start again, i'm not afraid of it, i know what is to be a single mother, is just that i don't want to loose the family that we have..i need advise please help<p>[ December 12, 2001: Message edited by: lost&confuse ]</p>

Courts do not divide up kids as if they were financial assets, and the fact that your husband makes more money than you just means he will have to pay a significant amount of child support. Unless there are other factors you have not mentioned, it is highly unlikely that the courts will take an infant away from his mother - and if your husband admits that he made you choose between your child and your marriage, that would not help his cause one bit.

I agree with exactly what Nellie told you.<p>Your H's attitude doesn't seem healthy for either of your children. I would suggest family counseling. Blending a family is tough but it can be done! However, I'm concerned that your H is trying to force you to choose between him and your child. What is upsetting him so much that he wants to ship your first son away? Is his bio dad a responsible parent? What about visitation if this DID occur???<p>Your two children have also bonded. I hope your H will realize how painful this would be for three out of four in your home. <p>Post more, we'll try to help.

thank you all for your help, i guess now that he's starting to understands that i would never choose anybody before either one of my kids, and i was firm that if he couldn't love my son then he couldn't love me as well, it looks that he's thinking about what he said,he keeps telling me that he love me and without really saying I"M SORRY he's saying it, still i haven't change my mind, my kids will always go first even before me, but i'm worry that if i take him back maybe a year or 2 along the way the same question will come up agan and i'm not so sure anymore because if he doesn't love my son, then i can't love him....i don't know if maybe profesional help will work, he never treated my son badly, he always said that he was his son and treated him as one, i don't know what happened???????????
Maybe his biological dad has some blame on this , since i got married all he does is try to put my son agains my husband and a lot of other things.
please keep helping me, i really want this to work but but if this is not good for my kids then.........

Hi,<p>How about this? Tell him that if he wants to keep you, he needs to cut off his right arm. He needs to choose between you or his arm.<p>Your boy who came from your very body is as much a part of you as your own arms and legs. If your son's life was in danger, would you not gladly lose an arm or leg or your own life just to save his. If you would be willing to lose your life for your child, then certainly losing a man like this for your son's own welfare should be a no-brainer.<p>You said it yourself right in the first post, you are your son's mom FIRST! That child needs to be protected.<p>I hope he is sorry. But if you see him treating your young innocent defenseless (I repeat) innocent son badly in any way, dump this guy. I'm so serious. And I agree with Nellie that no court is going to make separate arrangements for children. They aren't going to have one go with mom and one go with dad. They will want to keep the children together whether it's now or 2-3 years from now.<p>Trying counseling first will help him identify his problems and work thru them. But after that, if he still behaves this way, bub bye!! Pack his suitcase for him. Just my opinion. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>

Lost&Confused<p>I have a couple more questions:<p>When were you divorced from first kids dad?<p>When did you start dating your current Husband?<p>When did y'all get married?<p>And the clincher, HAS THIS CURRENT RELATIONSHIP EVER BEEN HEALTHY or has he always tried to control you and drive your self-esteem down?

hi bill , i divorced my first husband back on 97 i met my husband august 98 and got married on august 2000; he never acted like this,he was always caring & loving with both of us, we were even looking for a house, we always talked about our future, he was better with my son than with me i guess :-);I know my son's dad has a lot to do with this, since i got married, he haven't done anything else but trying to put my son agains my husband, calling and hanging up every
day and a lot of other things, i know it haven't been easy and i guess since we got married he thought that it was his responsability dealing with with my son's father. i don't want you to get the wrong impression he has always been a good father for both of my kids and between us everything was great, thats why is so shocking where all this come from one min he was good the next min it wasn't my husband no more, i didn't recognize him,is like somebody else was talking thru his mouth. the one thing i don't have a doubt about it is that my kids will always come first, and i know he's sorry and don't know how to fix it,he says it was the stress, too many things going on,etc(excuses) he knows my answer and he's trying to go back and i don't know anymore, in my heart i want to believe him but i got to think about my kids first, i told him that we won't talk untill friday to give him time to think witch to be honest i know he has already and is sorry, but the one that needs to think is me.
thank you for your help and suport i really need it.

Hi Lost,<p>It sounds like he's cracking under the pressure that many people have in remarriage. Altho it wasn't fair for him to approach you in the way where you need to make a choice, he is admitting his mistake. I really think you should seek out some help because there are counselors who can help with this. It sounds like he needs help also with dealing with your ex.<p>I know my church ran a DivorceCare for people in that situation, but they also had workshops for people in blended family/step situations. It is a very stressful situation to deal with! Check into your newspapers if not with a church and see if there are groups that meet that deal with these problems. I would try that before your son gets caught in the middle for too much longer.<p>Take care.

I wish I could reach inside his head and see what he was thinking when he said those things. It sounds like he's coming back down to earth a little.<p>I like the idea of checking into a blended family class of some sort. Heck it would probably do both of you some good if you can find one. I'd try the churches or call the local SRS office.<p>I noticed you were pregnant before you got married, was that planned? If he's harboring some feelings of entrapment because of that, when you add the 6 year old then that could be bearing down upon him.<p>One thing that I personally think you should change right now is cut off the contact between the X-husband and the new husband. If I were to remarry I would never in a million years expect my wife to deal with my X, nor would I do the same. Though being a good father figure is his responsibility, having to deal with YOUR X is not. On this site we always talk about doing things that YOU can control and this is one of those things. Plus it may reduce his stress level.<p>You know another thought on those same lines is that your hubby could be holding resentment towards the son because he is the reason that he has to put up with your X. <p>I believe just about every standard divorce decree states something about harassment and if it's reaching that level then you may want to seek some legal action.<p>Your husband may be a very reasonable person who is just having to deal with some unreasonable problems right now. There is no excuse for the ultimatum that was laid in front of you but I urge you to seek where that came from and work on the issues that YOU alone can control. <p>I know that you are hurting and torn right now so I also beg you not to rush to a decision either way. Take your time and ensure that you are in the correct state of mind when you make your decision for two precious lives will forever be affected by your choice.<p>God Speed

So sorry for your situation. It would always be an easy decision, if I was placed in the position of "your kid or me!" (In my situation, it was "your mother or me!", "your sister or me!", "your friend or me!" ... X had control issues!!)<p>The problem seems to be the issue of WHY a loving person would ever issue such an ultimatum. I imagine that your oldest son's father is a huge factor. How often does your son see his bio dad? My kids are often difficult to handle after they've been with their dad, but it is aimed at me, not my boyfriend. Your X probably doesn't like sharing "dad duty" with another person!<p>I hope counseling will help your situation. If not, please don't worry that you have to suffer through emotional abuse or you'll lose your kids. Sounds like a typical scare tactic. One I heard a lot.<p>(P.S. I agree with LH's post above.)<p>The whole step-parent thing worries me greatly. My youngest is four, so I guess that means I have at least 14 years before I even consider getting married again. =\<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

seeking help is definilly something i'll do, i know he's sorry, can't stop saying it now that he love us (my son too)it was stupidity,etc I know my X has a lot to do with all this HE IS A PAIN!! but my husband knew all this before, this is not a new issue this is something i've been dealing for a while and i guess my H though that since we married it was his responsability to deal with it too, i tried to talk to my X let him realized the damage he's doing to my son , i can't just get away from him wehave joing custody of my son, for years i've been trying to get full custody but since i was in the military the judge though it wouldn't be good for my son my deployments and not having his real father around so i got out of the military and my H and I were about to open the case again and try to get full custody of him so we can't get my X out of our lifes. you see my surprise now? i really appreciate all your help and support,i'm really trying o understand what hapened?<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: lost&confuse ]<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: lost&confuse ]</p>

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