I would like some advice its been 18yrs since I dated & not even sure of the signs anymore that someone is interested. A single guy that knows my STBX suprised me a few days ago with a xmas gift a very nice necklace, H never gave me one gift since the 1st yr we were married so I set there acting like a young school girl laughing & thanking him, its the 1st time I ever hugged any man since we were married. He stayed a while then left, thats when I got a little scared about what should I do now? or dont do, maybe he was being nice knowning what a cheating H I had & wanting to brighten my xmas or maybe now he would like to be my friend. We did talk about going places together, we both like old items & looking thur junk stores & flea markets, my H has his new life with MOW living with her when her H has the kids, I never thought about dating or even having a male friend to do things with. How do you know the difference between just needing a friend or lover.
m-17yrs
h-42,w-47
d-pending
HA-jan-2001
H-left in may then July for good
C-12yr,28yr,gd-7yrs old
MOW-married 10yrs
MOW-29yrs,H-looks same age.
c-3 small
MOW-d-pending

Gosh...don't know what to say....I'm about in the same boat as you. Haven't dated in a loooooong time and will probably start thinking about it when the D is final early next year.<p>Just one question: Did you accept the gift? For some reason, it doesn't sound like you know this guy very well....or maybe you do. I, personally, would be a little worried about what accepting a gift like a nice necklace might be interpretted as by the guy. But only you would know that. Or if you don't, or it makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should consider giving it back. <p>However, I probably would have done the same thing...sat there an giggled like a school girl! (Yikes! I don't know if I'll ever feel growup when it comes to guys.....) At least you got a hug from the guy...that's good. <p>Anyway, just some food for thought. I really don't know if you should keep it or not....my concern comes from my own uncertainty about the whole dating scene these days!!<p>Keep the faith.
Aloha,
Ms.O

after 23yrs of marriage dating is new to me, but believe it or not I have dated a few woman. It was great for my self esteem and helped me to realize that I was very like able. It also has helped me learn alot about myself and what I want from other people, I can see now that I don;t have to accept what I get, What I am getting at is take it one day at a time and go with what feels right for you, do not allow anyone to push you into anything or make you feel uncomfortable. I think you will be surprised how nice men can be as friends and who knows maybe you will find a lover also. I always start with the intention of only making a good friend, but always open to the possibility;s of love. You will know what is right for you, have fun and allow yourself to grow and be yourself.

Don't skip to the back of the novel to read the ending before you exp. the adventure of the story.<p>I think you should do what your heart/mind tells you to do. If you think he is a nice man and only wnat to be friends then just be friends. If you want to go out and do something fun. Have at it. <p>If you are ready to go out... You will, if not then you won't.. You are starting to wonder and explore. Only you will know.. <p>I can say this... I'm dating and having a great time. I agree w/ Jabber.. <p>Tex.

One note, since you are not divorced, if there is a custody battle, your STBX could use you bringing "boyfriends" around the kids against you.<p>You sound unsure if you want something more than a friendship, and for that reason alone, I'd suggest you let him know you are flattered by his gift, but in case it is more than a gift between friends, that you do not want to date anyone until the divorce is final, at the soonest.<p>Most people will advise you wait for a while after the divorce to start dating, some say 1-2 years or more, some say you'll know when you're ready. I thought I would wait for at least a year, then I met someone and thought I was wrong about waiting, then that turned out to be a total "rebound" and people got hurt. You might have to put your feelings/heart aside and go with your logic/brain on this one. <p>Good luck.

Dear misst,
thank you for your suppt. I am starting to remember now WHY I didn't want my marriage to end, why I HATED being single; why I fought so very hard to keep married...<p>there are SO MANY WARPED, WEIRD guys out there (not all) but now all of a sudden, all my 'friends' want to fix me up with people. I don't want ANY one right now. <p>I'm so very ANGRY at my ex - 1-for cheating; 2-for lying all the time (something also I couldn't tolerate); 3-for FORCING me to make a choice (D) when I didn't want to and pushing me back into a single life.. <p>I wanted to be married, was happiest and content having a 'special' someone. Always have been.<p>If, if, if (he wouldn't have cheated or lied) I am a very, very tolerating person; nothing else really bothered me in my marriage. But the fore mentioned problems were the most destructive to any relationship; I'll never understand why he did it; I hate this. <p>Please be VERY selective; VERY careful and VERY alert when it comes to choosing another person for ANY reason romantically; if there's ANYTHING at all you observe that makes you think 'this will change or that will be better,' RUN LIKE THE WIND!! If you can't find anything at all that you wish was different about that person, you may have a better chance of 'accepting' him for who he is rather then being driven crazy by that SAME behavior later on. <p>Love is a risk, I agree. If you don't take a chance, you'll never know, I agree with this also. Take time to examine yourself first. If you accept this gift, it's definitely encouragement for him.<p>Friends don't usually give gifts, especially men friends. <p>Lonely people are thrilled by attention, any attention sometimes by the opposite sex. <p>Get on your knees and pray very hard. If the Lord has brought you this person, you'll have peace - sometimes God manifests Himself with a deep peace - not a struggle. <p>Let Jesus lead you - NOT YOUR FEELINGS!!! Proverbs 3:5-7 says LEAN NOT on YOUR OWN understanding - DON'T EVEN TRUST YOURSELF! Trust God and His, wisdom and His choice and His guidance. You won't end up in a MESS again. <p>I don't know about anyone else, but I've given it up to Jesus - I'm tired of the 'messes' I plunge into because I don't take my decisions to HIM FIRST. After He fixes the messes, and AFTER SO MUCH PAIN, I'm okay again but LORD IS IT A PAINFUL LESSON! When are we ALL going to LEARN TO trust the Lord?? <p>the flesh wants something SO BAD and gets SO LONELY. Sometimes desperate. As a Christian, I'm learning NOT TO WALK IN THE FLESH. Walk in the SPIRIT - quit going by feelings. They are very powerful and control us a lot. <p>JUST BECAUSE we FEEL something - doesn't mean its what God wants for us. Satan uses EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS to suck us right back into a similar situation. <p>BEFORE you accept a gift - pray about it. <p>As far as dating - I haven't a clue. I hate being single but I hate dating, too. <p>When I get the okay from the Lord, THEN I know it'll be peaceful and smoother and not such a confusing struggle because I'm trying to DECIDE something by myself. <p>I am a sinful, fallible, weak human being. I cannot even trust myself to make decisions as serious as getting involved w/someone because of that. I need HIS DIRECTION - He'll ONLY BRING YOU GOOD and HIS WAY IS SO MUCH LESS PAINFUL. <p>I pray that I never go through a D again - I've read on these boards so many, many different types of situations - people cheating on people, blowing off families and kids, etc. I'm so very saddened by it all. <p>This is NOT how God intended it to be. I know THAT much. I hate to see so many people in pain and despair. NO WONDER GOD HATES DIVORCE. It rips people to shreds and back, it leaves people lost, lonely, grieving, etc. <p>But I DO KNOW the power of God is AWESOME for healing, restoration, WISDOM and BLESSINGS. I DO KNOW THAT 'ALL' things are possible WITH GOD. <p>He says, 'APART from me ye can do NOTHING!' I'll tell you, after the pain of D, I AM BELIEVING THAT MORE AND MORE - it's sinking in more and more. I'm beginning to LIVE that way finally. <p>take care and God Bless
Jordan

thank you all for the help, Im being to believe that H had no real friends, some of the guys who worked on police force told me they are glad he's gone, My new friend as I will call him knew H when they were younger, as far as child custody, not worried, hate to say it but H just wanted to leave everything behind him & start over with OW & her kids, H is only interested in himself lately. Im leaving this up to God if it goes past friendship but its nice just to be friends, Im not even thinking about dating anyone til after Feb thats when D should be final, right now Im still married. thanks

Jordan- you sound like a very wise woman- your advice sounds right on the mark.
Misst- be wary of friendly guys bearing gifts! A guideline I&#8217;ve seen is to allow a month or two per year of marriage, after the divorce, before dating again. Be very careful of telling yourself that you&#8217;ll see someone of the opposite sex &#8220;just as friends&#8221;. Recover from being rejected- maybe join a support group (www.divorcecare.com is one)
Good luck- best wishes.

Agree with Mrs. O, would not have accepted the necklace unless I knew him quite well. I have not had a date since my separation last November.
I am not sure if I want to date, afraid of own lack of self control with a man and me- alone together. I have the opinion it might be walking to close to the "edge of the cliff"!I really never have dated in my entire life. It seems like the relationships just sort of fell into living together or marriage without my having any control over any of it. It seems my emotions carry my mental thot processes right on down the love drain [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm taking notes from some of my single girlfriends. Both of them have had quite a few male friends. <p>IMO, the reason why people say wait to date 1-2 yrs after a divorce is because most people are not in a stable situation emotionally, financially, with the children (if there are any), etc. Meeting a new person and trying to determine if they are romantically suitable and trustworthy takes time and attention. Attention that those recovering from a divorce can't afford at the moment. Simply put, they are too distracted to pick up all of the signals of an impending bad relationship. <p>personally, I would have a hard time accepting something as extravagant as a nice necklace from anyone I didn't know very well (male or female). It seems a bit over the top. My advice would be to arrange group outings and observe him in a variety of settings before you even decide whether you want him as a friend or not. Then if he seems like he would be a good friend, then consider maybe something more. but that's just me. I don't follow the Harlequin Romance version of "love". Lust maybe. Love....no.