I have been w/the same man for 11yrs. Been married for 8 of them. Everything was great between us until our first child was born. We couldn't make love due to preg. probs. After I had my child I went into postpartum depression and didn't realize it. My H blamed me for being depressed and he said that I could change it, if I wanted. Plus I didn't want sex as often as I did before due to other probs. I don't feel I have made love to my H for years, it's just sex to me anymore. My H used to work out on the road and when he wanted to make love and I didn't he would say that he was going to go out and get it somewhere else. I know he was only kidding but, was he really? I don't know what he done when he was away, I just believe him when he says he did nothing. For the last 6 yrs, our marriage has been falling apart w/out me knowing. I thought the way my marriage was, was normal and didn't do anything different. My H is mentally abusive and I didn't realize it until I started talking to a friend who was a third party and experienced in this kind of field. I have been mentally abused all my life and never knew all of what is involed with it. I am now seeing a DR for my depression cuz it started getting real bad to were I didn't want to live anymore. I met an OM who I became friends with and the more we talked and got to know eachother...well you gussed it. I started having feelings for him. Nothing went any farther than that cuz I wouldn't let it. The OM don't even know I had those feelings for him, anyway I told my husband about it and now all of a sudden he's wanting to change. He never has in the past or at least for more than a month so why would he now? Why all of a sudden he's being a kiss a#$? He still at times mentally abuses me and my oldest child (who is not his). He has changed some what but, my question is how long? Besides all that, I have no love for him any more. I still have some feelings cuz I don't want to hurt him with a divorce. I just don't know what to do. We have tried for 3 months on trying to make our marriage work and I still don't love him. I want out of this relationship and he don't. He is also very controlling. He don't think he is but, he always puts stipulations on everything I do or where I go. I feel like a teen and have to answer to my daddy all the time. I'm just beside myself and like I said I want out and don't know how to brake the news to him. Especially before the hollidays. What do I do? Please help... <P>Cherokee

Hold on a minute Cherokee325. You say, <BR> <BR>"My H is mentally abusive and I didn't realize it until I started talking to a friend who was a third party and experienced in this kind of field. I have been mentally abused all my life and never knew all of what is involed with it." <P>You need professional help in determining and treating the effects of mental abuse! You do not mention that this friend has such training. Run don't walk to a professional to get help. With 8 years invested in the realtionship, children and a relatively cooperative husband (at least for now) it seems that joint couseling should be your next step. Let the couselor help to determine if a seperation would help or if your marriage really is over.<P>I think you have too much at stake to base a drastic move such as divorce on the advice of a friend.<P>You didn't get medical help for your depression from a friend why risk your mental health in this way. See a professional!!<BR>

I have to agree with Mudder on this 100%. Get a professional opinion. As for the mental abuse, take a good look at it. Mental abuse can be a very vague term at times. Sometimes, it is cut and dry and other times it is opinion. Exapmle: A man wants his wife to stay at home after having children. If she doesn't want to but feels pressured to do so, she could call that mental abuse. I do not need the details but please seek help for your marriage. It is the single most important vow that you are likely to make. Make it the most important thing to resolve. You would not move a piano upstairs by yourself, it's too big. Get assistance.