Hi group,<p>I haven't posted that much and this is really my first attempt at posting to this board.<p>I think it is more carthatic (sp) than anything else. Seeing the printed word is a lof more powerful than talking to yourself.<p>My situation isn't an unusual one. Let me give alittle quick history of my wife.<p>We have been married 10-1/2 years and have 3 wonderful children. My wife also suffers from the Bi-Polar illness (she is medicated), I believe she is "cycling" as they say in the world of Bi-Polarism. We have always had a tough marraige. There are reasons on both parts, but mainly hers. Over the years I have just built up either tolerence or appathy and in no particualr order. Well, about 6 years ago, my wife got into IRCing (Chatting online) at my urging really. Well, what I didn't know then but soon found out was that she was undiagnosed Bi-Polar (manic depressive). Well, she met a guy online and so on and so on. Soon I was out of the house with a restraining order against me (which was later dropped due to NO EVIDENCE which there shouldn't be.......I didn't do anything). SHe ran up our phone bill a matter of 2 months to over $3600.00......yes, three thousand dollars. This guy left his wife and 3 kids to be with my wife (and our 3 kids). Well, I got a custody order to have the kids live with my parents in the country while we where working all this out. To make a long story a little shorter, the guy did come to California (from Canada...TOronto) and shacked up with my wife for a few months. He had no job and neither did my wife and he was a heavy drinker and smoker. Well, after he got here it only lasted a month longer. We wound up back together and started counseling and soon dropped that because "we had worked out our problems"..........NOT!. <p>Well, skip ahead 12 months later. She was working at Wal-Mart and the manager took a shinning to her and one thing lead to another and he got her alone in a medicated momment (my wifes meds at the time) and took advantage of her. Well, she wound up preggers and I am not one to believe in ABORTION but in this matter, it was really the best. I do regret it to this day, but that is here nor there.<p>Time travel ahead to Dec. 1997 and yet another manager at Wal-Mart (where the prices are always low....LOL), took a shinng to my wife. Well, she abandoned the New YEar's eve holiday to go out with this guy....well, he had his way with her and she soon wound up in the ol' "padded hotel". At this time I started with divorce proceedings and only at the last momment did we abandoned them. The rest of that year and most of 1999 was prob. the best years of our marraige....we where on the perverbial honeymoon. But by mid year 1999 she was "cycling" yet again and wound up yet again in the ol "rubber room de jour". She wasonly there less than 72 hours (5150). Things seemed a little better after that.<p>But through all this muck muck, I became very bitter towards myself and her. I closed off part of my life to her and to all forms of love (unless I wanted "some" which was not that often). I was hurt over the years to the point that I was merely a walking corpse. I wasn't a happy camper. <p>Ok, last time travel...........move ahead to this past October....we wound up pregnant and 2 weeks later my wife had a misscarraige. I admit, I wasn't comforting like she wanted me to be. I was relieved to be quite honest, we didn't need another child in our lives right now. I feel awful for feeling this way, but it is the truth. My wife still has very very very bitter feelings for me. Well, over the Thanksgiving day holiday's we decided we where going to drive to her mothers house for the week (400+ miles away). Well, I knew that she had made contact with some old high school freinds (male), and I thought nothing of it. Remember, I was "Mr. Bitter and Angry". Well, she had lunch with the 2 of them and from what I understand had a great time.<p>Well, when we got home, my wife instantly started acting weird and distancing herself from me....not like we where close at this momment, but I definately felt a divide widening between us. Her sleep patterns became the following (taken from MAYO CLINIC.com on MANIC DEPRESSION):<p>1. Feelings of euphoria, extreme optimism and inflated self-esteem
2. Rapid speech, racing thoughts, agitation and increased physical activity
3. Poor judgment and recklessness
4. Difficulty sleeping
5. Tendency to be easily distracted
6. Extreme irritability <p>I question her online activities and she would reply, "Doing Homework" (she goes to school). I just tended to the kids. I had my suspicions, but didn't want to go there. During this time I have really rededicated my life to Christ and I have a unspeakable joy in my heart. Well, last night after she go home from school, she immediately got on the computer and started "doing homework" (wink wink). I kept busy cleaning and laundry. Well, after the 11:00 news I went to bed and she was asleep on the couch. I dipped into the office to check my e-mail (not that I was expecting $1,000,000 or anything, more of habit), I opened the browswer and typed YAHOO.com and then click "CHECK MAIL". Well, popped up the inbox of stuff I didn't recognize. Stuff that was address from me to my wife and I didn't send any of it. It wasn't anything terrible embarrassing....just a letter to my parents and a picture of a women I found on the net (which I wasn't involved with or had any interest, she was just attracitve and I was feeling down). Then I realise that this wasn't my login, I realise that it was my wifes and after and she didn't sign off . So, after further investigation, I came across a folder filled with 25 e-mails, messenger logs of there online activites. I won't repeat it here, but let's just say, she wasn't trying to sell him life insurance. I wasn't angry, I wasn't mad, I wasn't psycotic (sp), I actually chuckkled. <p>I then proceed to type and e-mail to the both of them and told them I was shamed of both of them. I didn't use any bad words or deroggitory language or name callling, I was quite proud of myself. I told them both that I was saddened but not angry, I was hurt, but not devastated. I printed out one of the e-mails and wrote on it "Have a Nice day" and left it on the desk. I then went to bed. At about 6:00 I heard the footsteps into the office and then "F&*k". Then she ran into the bedroom and started on me about breaking into her e-mail and I had no right to, but she had the right to break into mine?......I didn't yell I didn't scream. <p>She called and talked to this guy and according to her, he was very upset and couln't understand why I would send and e-mail to him. She asked me if I could, e-mail him with an APOLOGY........and for heavens sake...apologize for what?.....letting him start the affair process?<p>Well, basically, she is going to file for divorce and get me out of the house.....blah blah. <p>I know this is quite lengthy and wordy, but I feel better now. Oh, and the kids, they want to be with me!

Defcon.
I've read your thread 3-4 times now.. Beleive me I understand what you are going through. But something is bothering me about what you posted. <p>Its more of a feeling than anything else. It just seems that after so much time of being de-sensitized to your situation weren't you kind of looking for this to happen so you could get out of it? You knew she would do just what she did..<p>Just wondering..
Tex.

Defcon,<p>A good man in Texas has a valid point. I was thinking the same thing, and didn't know how to respond to your post.<p>I do think you were looking for a way out. If I'm wrong sorry.<p>Well, if you want out of your marriage, I suggest you don't leave the house, since the children want you as their primary caregiver. Let her move. The children should have their residence.<p>Get counseling for you and the children. I think you need it, and the children will definitely need it.<p>Good luck and sorry you have had such a disfunctional marriage.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Tex, Anna,<p>You are right. I am de-sensitized to the whole situation. FOr years and years I have been building this wall up around me because I felt that I wasn't getting what I wanted. I also don't believe in divorce and we have 3 kids and wanted to stay married for them....yada yada yada. The same old story. I also looked at divorce as failure. They say that suicide is the highest form of self criticism, well, a failed maarraige to me is the highest form. <p>I allowed this to take hold in my life, I allowed myself to live by preconceived ideas and notions. I allowed this to come and take roost in my heart. In doing so, I shut out the people (person) that really needed me the most, my wife. For what ever reason, I felt (feel) she needs me. Maybe because I sense that we never really had a chance to "date". I mean, it was meet, screw, get pregnant, get married. Tex, I was a virgin up until my wife and I had done it. I was 26 when we did make love the first time. We never had time to get to know each other. I felt "there will be time for that in the future". It never happened because, while I was wiser (26 at the time), I wasn't older, I was very naive I wanted so much to be loved that I would sacrifice my beliefs after 26 years of abstenence and have sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex was great but it wasn't the right thing for me at the time.<p>So, getting back to your original point of somehow wanting this to happen,...... no, I don't think I wanted this to happen or expected this to happen. But, my wife being Bi-Polar anything could happen. Maybe you are right to a point that why I might not have been expecting this to happen, I didn't stop it when I saw the early signs, so in that respect you are absolutely right, I was "looking" for this to happen. But that aside, it still hurts and nothing but confusion and disappointment.<p>This is why I am in counseling myself. My wife cried out over the years for help, but I was so self absorbed into "proving" that I was the bread winner and a roof over out head and warm clothes etc. that I allowed this marraige to fail. <p>Was I looking for a way out, maybe, because I feel (felt) like that if "she" wants to get the divorce, then "I win.....nada nada nada", that is what is killing me write now, the childish behavior that I have come to realize that I was exhibiting. Does this negate the fact that my wife has done what she has done?.......NO!, infidelity I don't believe is ever an acceptable alternative.<p>Every "extra marital affair" my wife has had the common thing(s) have always 100% been present. She is "cycling". Also, these EA have always been about one thing......"hard, grinding, passionate sex" (her words, not mind). The words have always been followed by "opening myself to you for the first time in a long time" (or something similar to that). My wife has always felt that if she gets the SEX, then the rest will come. It happened to us, it happened before me, it happened with these other EA, I guess I felt that fighting spirit in me. Well, she seems to think that this one is different because they have know each other for 19 years (but haven't seen or talked to each other for 15 years and only recently made contact....less than a month ago), is that LOVE? seriously, Anna, does that sound like LOVE?<p>Does it sound like I am making excuses?....I hope not, but this past 10 years in more complicated than I have been able to wirte .<p>Thanks for the feedback<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: defcon888 ]</p>