For all who have been so kind to me over the last few days and followed my thread of when anger turns to rage and verbal abuse, my husband and I had our talk yesterday and he's moving out this week. I've been an emotional wreck with tears flowing over the slightest thing. I know I have to stand my ground, but I am still in love with the good side of his personality. I wanted him to show me that he thought enough of me and the years we've put into this marrige to agree to get some help. Instead, he's making me feel guilty for drawing the line this time.<p>Today, he told his mother and sister that we are separating when he met them for their pre-Christmas get-together at his father's grave. When he got home, he told me that they were sorry and that they don't hold anything against me. I asked him what he said. He told them that we don't make each other happy anymore and that I don't like to do the things he likes to do. I asked him if told them what the real problem is. He says he told them I have a problem with his temper -- that when we argue, I push him too far and he gets angry. Can you believe that? He is so much in denial.<p>I dread the holidays. I'm thinking of crawling into bed and not getting up until they're over with. I'm going to be spending most of them alone. How are the rest of you coping with this? I thought about volunteering at the local nursing home and haven't given up on that thought yet. I figured I can't feel but so sorry for myself if I do that.<p>Anyway, my best wishes to all of you who are out there dealing with your own pain that we'll all make it through the next couple of weeks and begin the New Year with revived hope for a better year ahead.

Hi Helga,<p>I know how much this hurts! All those emotions when it all starts to fall apart. Just keep yourself going, don't cave in. I'm sorry.<p>Helga, I guess the hard part is that it never got to the point of you being physically hurt, so you wonder if in fact it would have ever gotten that far. Right? But think about it. Think about how frightening it is when it happens. Many women here have been thru the same thing and many have had it go that far. He won't get help Helga. He denies his problem completely, puts the blame on YOU for pushing him too far. He is a ticking timebomb. I personally am glad you put the kabash on this before getting bruises from him.<p>We were all (mostly all) scared and heartbroken when ours first left. Some came back and decided their marriage was important. Some stayed away. Mine stayed away. I swear I aged 10 years in the last 2 years from so much crying. But I can honestly say I'm doing terrific now. You have to realize your worth is so much greater than to be someone's punching bag. Take some time by yourself, nothing wrong with being single. You'll learn more about you and probably like what you find. The healthier the attitude you have about yourself, the sooner you'll realize you didn't really need that anyway.<p>Having said that, when he leaves you might want to reiterate he's welcome back when he seeks some help for his anger problem, when he decides the marriage is important enough to work on together. You don't have to make it so final, leave him with a decision to make.<p>I'll probably be gone for a while after this week so you won't be hearing from me (moving into MY house soon and taking a little vacation). Who knows how long it'll be til I get my computer up and running - I'm no computer whiz. Take care Helga.

Helga,<p>About this time last year, the final seperation and divorce where underway. Please consider anti-depressants. This is a time that you need to be at your best.<p>I understand the lack of energy. It's times like these when you just want to put your head under the covers and forget about the world. At this point, you cannot see the future. You only see the present and it isn't too pretty.<p>Last winter was the coldest one ever for me. I have no family here in Houston and my stbxw was spending her time with the OM. I was worried about her getting custody of our daughter and moving far away to be with the OM which would make it difficult for me to see my daughter.<p>Small steps...<p>That's all it takes really.<p>Picture what you want in life and start working on it. Use this time to build a brighter future. At first you won't have the energy and you won't be able to see into the future. As each new hurdle is met and overcome, you will gain additional energy and things will get easier and better. Realize that though the next step you take will be difficult, the ones after that will be easier and easier. It's a simple question really. Do you want to stay where you are in life and keep reminding yourself of your misery or do you want to move on and be happy? <p>You just have to trust that a brighter future is just over the horizon. I can't describe it really, but the more I worked on myself, the better things got. I am not a religious person and I am hesitant to say that God has a plan, but it's difficult for me to discount what has happened. The more patient I became and the harder I worked, things started falling into place. I got primary custody of my daughter. I was able to spend large amounts of time on a career that I chose and love and got an outstanding performance award. I got a $13,000 raise in a difficult IT market and am pretty much assured of a job. My XW has finally quit being such a pain. (I extended an olive branch and it was grudgingly, but successfully taken). I got a new truck just like I wanted. I've made many new friends. I slowed down to look at life. It is beautiful and wonderful and I've been missing it. <p>Take time to watch the clouds. Take time to drive down the beautiful backroads instead of the overdeveloped freeways. Watch the birds fly through the air. Gather strength from the children as you watch them run around. Drive down to the ocean and watch it ebb and flow. Listen to it's sound and take its peace. The world is a big place. There is a lot of beauty in it. Over time, the pain that you have been through will be replaced by the beauty that is in this world. Over time you will look back on your marriage and say to yourself, "Why was I wasting my time doing that?".<p>I read most of a book recently that deals with change. It's called "Who Moved My Cheese?". On the surface, it seems to be a simple book, but underneath I think you'd find many lessons that can aid you. I know that you don't have much energy at this point, but the book is very short and the reading is easy.<p>This is the bottom. I gets better and better from here.<p>Hugs and stuff,<p>Kevin<p>[ December 16, 2001: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</p>

Hi Helga,
I just finished reading your other thread and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I've been dealing with the denial/guilt trip syndrome this weekend with my H. Fortunately, I had an intense therapy session in August where my counselor taught me the difference between real guilt and false guilt. I think I posted a summary of that session here in this forum if you want to look it up. In a nutshell, real guilt is feeling bad for doing something that violates your own core beliefs. False guilt is feeling bad for something you're accused of doing, but didn't really do. <p>I too have drawn a line with my H. I told him I wanted a separation. I offered to be the one who leaves. He said he would go. Somehow, that turned into me "kicking him out right before Christmas." When he left today, he had no place lined up, and he told me he'd be sleeping in his car. In the old days I would feel guilty. His guilt trip would work and I would feel like it's my fault he's sleeping in the car. <p>This time, I know better. It's his own bad choice that he's sleeping in his car (if that's indeed what's he's doing). He wanted to know why I waited until Christmastime for this to happen. I started asking in October. It's not my fault that he stalled and it's almost Christmas! Besides, holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays are all non-events to him anyway. He treats them like any other day. I'm the one who likes those days to be special, not him. So I'm not going to feel guilty that he's sleeping in his car a week before Christmas. He can do better than that, and it's no one's fault but his own that he's sleeping in his car. <p>Helga, I've been in my relationship for 15 years. It's a dance that is likely to continue until one of you exits the scene. Congratulations on taking a stand. It's not easy. It's heartwrenching. Grow a thick layer of teflon and let those guilt trips roll off. As for the holidays, doing little or nothing is an option. Simply being grateful for your spirit and grace is often more than enough. Taking time to pamper yourself and recoup is ok too. It's OK to put yourself at the top of the priority list every now and then! Take care.

Hi Helga,<p>My heart goes out to you tonight as I read your story. I hope he moves out without incident. I will pray you get the strength you need.<p>Helga, you are doing the right thing. He is in denial. Most men are who abuse. My husband told me I made him do it too. His best friend helped me through this with just a few words, he said this to me, "Boy, you have more power in you than anyone I've ever met. I've never met anyone who could control someone's actions before." Husband actually thought that his friend would support him when he told him about the abuse. Even when his friend defended my H's actions it still did no good. They are in so much denial it's a bigger fog than we can ever expect them to get out of.<p>I spend 17 years of my life hoping he would get out of denial and see the truth, he never did. I wish I would have been as strong as you are right now. Although my stbx always refused to get out of my life. I think you are lucky even though you don't feel that way right now. You deserve better, so much better than him. <p>I wonder if he really told his family about the anger. Usually they don't. I was surprised he said he did. It wouldn't surprise if they really don't know. <p>Take care and please keep us posted.<p>Do you have MSN IM? If you do, email me with your addy and I'll add you to IM. We can chat sometime. A support chat group, really helps.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Helga,<p>Remember, "Abuse is wrong at any age!" That means mental, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. What gives a man the right to take out his frustrations of being insecure on a woman? I bet your H wouldn't be so quick to take his frustrations on another man. You know why? Because another man would either challenge, beat, or kill him. A woman is far less likely to do either or all of the three.<p>You don't have to be your husband's personal punching bag. You are worth more than that. You are someone that is valuable because God doesn't make junk; he makes treasures just like you. So let your husband go and be valued as a treasure, since he isn't going to. You owe it to yourself. Remember, God helps those who choose to help themselves. You've taken the first step by setting boundaries. That means that you have limits that you will not tolerate to be overstepped. That is the first step to self-love and self-esteem. Take the time to get in touch with your spirituality. Get to know yourself and soon you will fall in love with yourself.<p>Your husband didn't take a stand---he took the cowardly way out. That's not a stand -- that's a cop out. He didn't want to take responsibility; he wanted to take your power, but your are taking it back. Just stay strong because if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.<p>Canderella

Hi Helga, <p>I saw your post and it soo much reminded me of 1 year ago. So much has happened. Not all of it good. The pain you are going through now is temporary. When I was in your position, I also came to this site and found many many understanding people. <p>One of your posters here really helped me and it was nice to see him doing so well. Fo1Ho0 (Kevin) has given you good thoughts to dwell on. I'd like to share what he and Dana gave me when I was here, it is called the 5 stages of grieving. <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html <p>Here is what I have learned. Our hurt is temporary. We will and do survive. There is a tomorrow and for now that may be all we can handle. Take each day 1 step at a time. This problem is not all about you. It is about your H seeing past himself and his issues. It is about facing the future and not living in the fantasy. It is about real people, not made up stories and lies. <p>Helga, if he must move he will. Don't worry about what the family or others will think. HIs logic to them will be as visibly confusing to them as it is to you. There may be some denial on their part of realizing how bad things are but as long as you continue to better yourself, then how much longer can they berate you? If any, not for long. <p>You know, the better you make yourself the more the OW has an opportunity to LB. So if anything, revenge is a good reason to continue bettering yourself. At least for now. Later you will do it because it is good for you. Ok?<p>Take Care,
L.

Helga...before I get too much into this, I want you to know that I avoid abuse threads like the plague...why? Well, I'm not too well versed in the subject, and I tend to treat folks like they are me, and I cannot comprehend your hell very well. Having said that, I will say that he has a (minor) point in that you bring that out in him...not your fault, but... you must understand that you either do, or he perceives it that way...same thing, but you knew that already, didn't you?<p>I am sooo sorry, Helga...I really am, but you take care of yourself here...I am genuinely worried about you. You have been here since dirt, and still are a junior member...whassup widdat? You probably went through my whole story on the side, didn't you? Hey! Get off of the sideleines here! Get into the game (your life!), is YOUR life, time to make that so.<p>You are important...God thinks so, I think so, and you should, too. God Bless -Mike

One year ago today, I moved out. (He wouldn't.)<p>It was the most terrifying, excruciating, humiliating, nerve-wracking experience of my life. (He did a number of things that day, including foundering my vehicle and taking off with our children and all their belongings. It was a real horror story.)<p>Yesterday, I had one of the most wonderful Christmas parties with my family that I can remember. I didn't have to wonder if X would go or not, what he would say to my family members he hated, what he would pull before or after the party, if I would catch he!! for laughing at the wrong jokes or answering questions with the wrong words.<p>It is a hard road. I have laughed and cried just about equally over the past year... but that is a good thing. It is an incredible improvement over the previous years, when any sign of my own happiness would push my miserable X into a tirade of blaming and shaming and guilting until I was as depressed and hopeless as he.<p>I got help. He did not. I am happy. He is not.<p>My anger is gone now, along with the fear and the pain and the thoughts of revenge. I am at peace with my decision. I am happy and in love. I am trying to be the best parent I can be. I am future-focused and my dead-end brick walls have become hurdles, sometimes just speedbumps.<p>Yes, God hates divorce. God also commands men to treat their wives as their own bodies... to me, that means abuse is intolerable, not something you live with in order to avoid divorce. This is not meant to stir a religious debate, just my interpretation of God's word for this circumstance.<p>Stay safe.<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

Princess Buttercup,
I find great comfort in your words. After my bravado in encouraging Helga to know the difference between real guilt and false guilt, guess how I feel today? Like a nervous wreck! <p>Helga, leaving is a process, not an event. The process has a lot of ups and downs.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lonesome heart:
<strong>...leaving is a process, not an event. The process has a lot of ups and downs.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Totally agree. So very true.<p>Kevin

Helga-<p>I really feel for you, change is always scary even when it is for the best. You have received a lot of good advice here. You know you did what you had to do. You did not come to that conslusion lightly. <p>Hold strong to your decision. In any type of abusive relationship the abused looses self-esteem, confidence, etc. Your husband is in denial and he is also loosing you and the security you provide. To keep you he will try to make you feel guilty, that is what they do. <p>Take time to build yourself up again. It is your life and you deserve it to be a good one. Focus on the good and keep us posted.<p>K

Hi Helga.<p>I know how you are feeling. It's so hard to deal with all the emotions that come with such a transition. But you know what? You are going to be fine!!! I go through my up and downs too, but hold on and keep posting. Ok?

Helga,<p>Change is extremely hard at times. To quote BrambleRose:<p>Change occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than pain of changing. <p>You are doing the right thing, you deserve happiness and peace. Let your H figure it out on his own. Take care of YOU.<p>Love,
Jo